I'm Not the Biggest Bitch in This Relationship (24 page)

The Humane Society of the United States is described as the nation's largest animal-protection organization, backed by 11 million Americans. The HSUS works to reduce suffering and improve the lives of all animals by advocating for better laws; investigating animal cruelty; encouraging corporations to adopt animal-friendly policies; conducting animal rescue and disaster relief; and providing direct care for thousands of animals at their six centers for equines and wild animals, and through a program that provides free spay/neuter and wellness clinics to a number of impoverished communities that are without regular veterinary care. For more, I urge you to go to
www.humanesociety.org

Most of the contributors to
Bitch
have local dog shelters, rescues and charities that are near and dear to their hearts—many of which they started on their own—and those are listed with their bios. I hope this anthology makes you take a closer look at their causes, your local animal shelters and rescue groups.

 

 

My mother also believed in the healing power of laughter. Erma Bombeck was our favorite writer. I always felt like I had two Midwestern moms looking over me, teaching the importance of humor in this world. It is what unites us. It is what keeps us sane.

A love of laughter and dogs: That is the uniting thread in
Bitch.
This book has truly been a labor of love, but one I realize has been worth it every time I kneeled down to hug my main mutts, Marge and Mabel, and their kisses warmed me, their smiles centered me, their love buoyed me.

Though we recently lost Marge, our nearly fourteen-year-old, eighty-pound Scooby-Doo mix, who saw me through five books and was truly my best friend, I realize she taught me more about faith, joy, hope and living in the moment than most people. Her sister, Mabel, our furry innocent and Labradoodle-beagle mix, has big paws to fill, but is already teaching me new wonders and filling my heart every day. And, one day soon, Gary and I will rescue another dog. In truth, that rescue will rescue us, and a long walk to new understandings will begin again. I cannot wait for that journey.

Unconditional love and laughter: Those are the gifts dogs bring us, and the beauty of this book.

So, enjoy! Laugh! And hug your dogs for me!

xx,

Wade

Acknowledgments

Thanks, first and foremost, to my mutts, Marge and Mabel. This book is because of you. (Although you really did none of the work, since you don't have opposable thumbs.) Thanks to my agent, Wendy Sherman, who loved the idea from day one, despite her first words being: “Ummm, Wade, do you know how much work an anthology involves?” I didn't. Do now. But so worth it. Thanks to my wonderful editor, Danielle Perez, who also loved this book (maybe even more than I did? Is that possible? Yes!) from day one, who loves dogs, and who worked tirelessly to make this a better book and an amazing experience. Thanks to everyone at NAL—from art to legal, to marketing, publicity and sales! You are a talented and driven team. Thanks to Jeff Wild of
Chelsea Lately
for all of his incredible help. Thanks to each and every contributor for responding to my insane queries, my endless follow-ups, my manic e-mails, and for writing such amazing pieces about dogs—current and past—that have changed your lives. I will forever be indebted to your kindness. You made me believe that there are not only good people in this world, but there are good people who happen to be writers, and, believe me, that is a rare thing indeed, I've learned. Thanks to Kathy Bauch at the Humane Society of the United States for her patience, kindness, support, and wonderful work. And, thanks to all of you, the people in this world who have opened their hearts, homes and wallets to rescues in need. Your light is making this world a brighter, barkier place. Finally, to Gary: I would not be here without you. I would not be me without you. I simply wouldn't be. And, neither would Marge or Mabel. And, my heartfelt apologies for continuing to scream, “SWEEET-IEEEE! Bring me some coffee!” Sorry, but I still think it's funny.

Wade Rouse, Editor

With work hailed by John Searles on NBC's
Today
show as “laugh-out-loud funny” and praised by
USA Today
as having “a wise, witty and often wicked voice,” Wade Rouse is the critically acclaimed author of the memoirs
America's Boy
,
Confessions of a Prep School Mommy Handler
, and the bestselling
At Least in the City Someone Would Hear Me Scream: Misadventures in Search of the Simple Life
. His latest memoir,
It's All Relative: Two Families, Three Dogs, 34 Holidays, and 50 Boxes of Wine
, attempts to answer the question, “How come the only thing my family tree ever grows is nuts?” by looking at the yearly celebrations that unite us all and bring out the very best and worst in our nearest and dearest. Wade is a regular contributor to Michigan Public Radio and a humor columnist for
Metrosource
magazine. His essays have appeared in numerous national magazines and anthologies, including
Forbes.com
, Chicago Public Radio, Canadian Broadcasting's
Definitely Not the Opera
, and
The Customer Is Always Wrong: The Retail Chronicles
. Wade lives outside the resort town of Saugatuck, Michigan, where—between blizzards and beach weather—he writes and battles for bed space with his partner, Gary, and their mutt, Mabel. For more, visit
www.WadeRouse.com
,
www.WadesWriters.com
, or
www.rhspeakers.com
. Wade supports Wishbone Pet Rescue (
www.wishbonepetrescue.com/wpr/
) and Harbor Humane Society (
www.harborhumane.org
).

 

“My Best Paw Foreword” copyright © Chelsea Handler, 2011

“Dum-Diddle-Dum-Dum” copyright © Wade Rouse, 2011

“A Dog Day of Summer” copyright © W. Bruce Cameron, 2011

“Dogs Are the New Children” copyright © Jen Lancaster, 2011

“Oedipus Rex” copyright © Stephanie Klein, 2011

“Ménage à Dog” copyright © Alice Bradley, 2011

“There's No Place Like Home, Judy” copyright © Alec Mapa, 2011

“The Lone Wolf ” copyright © Laurie Notaro, 2011

“The Evil Stepmother” copyright © Jane Green, 2011

“Scratching at My Door, Tail Between His Legs” copyright © Caprice Crane, 2011

“Walking My Dog Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death Is a Nice Way to Start the Day” copyright © Bob Smith, 2011

“A Courtly Soul” copyright © Rita Mae Brown, 2011

“The Little Rascal” copyright © Beth Harbison, 2011

“Are You a Rascal or a Ringo?” copyright © Jeff Marx, 2011

“Squatting with Stella by Starlight” copyright © Allie Larkin, 2011

“Peekapoo, Where Are You?” copyright © Annabelle Gurwitch, 2011

“Pimping Out Delilah” copyright © Sarah Pekkanen, 2011

“Wuzsha, Wuzsha, Wuzsha!” copyright © Eddie Sarfaty, 2011

“My Dog, the Dominatrix” copyright © Jenny Gardiner, 2011

“Are You Smarter Than a Terrier?” copyright © Beth Macias, 2011

“Fairy Tales Can Come True” copyright © Jill Connor Browne, 2011