Imminence (6 page)

Gunward was undeniably tempting and breathtakingly handsome, but I had left him for good. I was with David and I could never leave him and my children. I had chosen this life and wanted nothing else.

David felt my story was unbelievable, but when I told him that he could Google for information about Gunward, he perked up. I told him that Gunward was the feared Gysingevargen of Sweden and how what he had done had augmented the worldwide hatred of wolves. Because of Gunward, every single wolf in Sweden had been killed. Only shape shifters and their packs had survived, and only because they had taken human forms and hidden the mortal wolves among them. I told him about my escape and my decision to take a human form permanently. About my parents and my brothers and what it was like to live as a wolf. I also told him that our pack was waiting for me to return to my place, as the alpha female beside Gunward. I told him about the young rebellious shape shifters and Gunward’s promise to protect us. At the end I could think of nothing else to tell. David just sat quietly. Had I lost the game after all? Finally David rose and hugged me. First he wrapped his arms around me gently, but soon his grip became tighter and he buried his face into my hair desperately. I felt his breath on my forehead, his lips on my face. “Sofia,” he whispered.

I pressed my head against his chest and listened to his strong heartbeat. This was where I belonged. This was what I had chosen. David held me in his arms for a long time and when he finally let go, he demanded me to promise I would have nothing to do with Gunward. I remained totally silent. I knew that sooner or later I would have to break my promise and I was afraid to say anything. David looked at me quizzically and repeated his demand.

“I´m sorry but I just cannot close Gunward out of my life, not now when he has found me.” I said very quietly, avoiding David´s eyes.

“But you didn't want him to find you. You ran away once. We can run away again together. He can never find us!” David was nearly shouting out of desperation.

“I wish you were right, but he can trace me. Running away won’t help. You have to understand that I can’t sweep this underneath the carpet and pretend nothing has changed. He came to stay and he brought a new, strong pack with him. I don´t even know how big his pack is, but I've sensed its strength. I’ll have to face him again,” I sighed quietly, my voice resolute.

David stared at me as if he couldn't believe what I was saying. I knew how hard it was for him to accept that my past had returned to torment me and that it now involved my family as well. David might be able to accept on some level that I was a shape shifter, but the fact that there were more of us was pushing his understanding to its limit. Gunward’s invasion of our home and the meeting of these two men had woken a deep-seated jealousy and I knew David hated it. He wanted to trust me, but it was difficult after what Gunward had told him and what he had witnessed today. Thank God he didn't know how longingly I had snuggled into Gunward’s arms and how tight the connection between Gunward and me was. He knew he’d had nearly twenty years with me, longer than Gunward had had, and although I tried to explain that ties between wolves were not counted in years, he could not understand it. As I had been joined with Gunward, it would have made no difference whether he and I had spent only a few hours together as opposed to my many years with David. Our union was forever. I had decided to dissolve it, though deep inside I knew it couldn't be done. The only way of breaking our union was if the elders decided to free me from it, and I could see no reason why they would do so. I couldn't give David what he most wanted, but I had to promise him something so he would calm down. I looked at him and tried to smile bravely.

“I can’t promise you what you want, but I promise I will do my utmost that you and the girls need not have anything to do with Gunward or his pack. This is my problem and even though we had agreed to solve our problems together, this is one I´m going to handle alone.”

David shook his head in disbelief. “So you´re going to shut me out of this?”

“Yes,” I answered, determined. David looked at me thoughtfully.

“Great. I give you until the end of summer. But if there´s any trouble with Gunward or the likes of him, I can’t promise to remain in the sidelines. This is my family, too, and I´m ready to fight for it and for things to return to normal.”

I didn't want to remind him that I, too, was one of the likes of Gunward. I knew I couldn't strike a better deal with him, so I decided to say yes.

“Until the end of summer,” I sighed.

I would have my hands full before the summer was over. Outside, the first leaves of spring were budding, but I knew this situation would not be resolved soon. I didn't have the heart to tell David that I believed this was just the beginning of troubles to come. I didn't know how right I was.

It was a beautiful, still evening and we all sat on the sauna terrace, enjoying the silence. It felt like an eternity since Gunward’s visit. There was still some snow on the ground, but evidently it was more spring than winter- after all it was the end of April. The air was full of elements of spring, mixed with promises of the coming summer, and I hoped everything would go as nice and easily as it had gone so far. We knew Gunward existed somewhere near, but he didn't distract our family life, so we had told the girls nothing, but they had undoubtedly sensed the tension between David and me. Now, though, I leaned against David and he slowly stroked my hair. Clarissa and Marie were playing at cards and Flow and Bruun lay at my feet, relaxed. I smelled David’s scent, clean from the sauna, and enjoyed his closeness. We had missed this. A moment of peace with the family, nothing to distract us. Somewhere in the borderlands of my awareness I sensed movement in the nearby forest, but whatever moved there was far enough to not constitute a danger to my family.

Suddenly the silence was broken by the howl of a wolf. It was not a threatening sound; it was rather one of deep sadness. Startled, Marie and Clarissa moved closer to us. I gave the dogs an unspoken warning not to join in the howling.

“Listen,” I said. “Wolves are gathering somewhere near. I don’t think you’ll ever again hear anything like this. It’s a rare thing to hear wolves sing.”

“This howling doesn’t sound anything like singing to me,” Clarissa muttered. I silenced her with a look.

“Listen and enjoy,” I told them. Shrugging, Clarissa closed her eyes and Marie followed suit.

We heard one wolf begin the song in a deep voice and urge others to join in. Each wolf’s voice was different, but they sang in perfect harmony nonetheless. I recognized the leader as Gunward and felt a stab of guilt in my heart. Even though the rest of my family didn’t understand the song, they felt the deep sadness it voiced. The grief cut so deep and the despair emanating from the song was so wrenching that Marie began to cry.

David looked at me, accusation and jealousy burning in his eyes. I felt my heart break. David would never quite understand me, nor could he ever truly accept me as I was. As a shape shifter. Our moment of peace was over. David rose and went inside, but the rest of us stayed to hear the song that made our hearts cry. Even my daughters noticed the longing emanating from me. I wrapped my arms around them and they snuggled up against me. I pressed my face into Marie’s hair and felt her intermittent deep breaths as quiet sobs shook her. Clarissa, too, began to sense the message of the song and I felt her sigh deeply in turn as the sadness overcame her. She wrapped her arm tighter around me and scooted as close as she could. I took comfort in them. Indoors, David could be heard clattering dishes, but I wasn’t able to care. It was almost a hundred and ninety years since I’d last heard anything this beautiful. This time it didn’t matter if David was offended. He and I both knew the song was meant for me and even if David couldn’t stand it, I was determined to enjoy it. I felt so sorely compelled to join in it that only my daughters, snuggled up in my arms, prevented me from leaping off the terrace and dashing off into the forest to join the wolves.

That night none of us could sleep. I sensed Clarissa and Marie lying in their beds, ill at ease, waiting for the mournful song to end. David, forced to share this experience with us, lay in our bed as far from me as he could without falling off the bed. And I – I lived the song of the wolves, embodied it with every cell. The wolves sang all through the night and only at dawn did they stop. One by one, as they had begun, until only Gunward’s deep song resonated in the waking forest.

A deep sadness had overtaken me. As I couldn’t sleep, I got up and went out to the terrace. I sat down on the garden swing and stared out into the forest. Although Gunward’s song had died down, I could still sense his proximity. I cautiously felt around and found him nearby. A great dark brown wolf stood on a large rock by a forest pool and its gaze was fixed on our house. I let my mind join with that of the wolf, but had I been able to, I would have pulled back at once. Gunward’s elation was unbelievable. It would have wanted to run to me and press its head into my lap. I knew I would have permitted it and burrowed my hands in its long, soft coat to caress it. I would have pressed my cheek against the wolf’s and delighted in its wet nose and joyful licks. Nevertheless, I managed to convey to the wolf an interdiction so absolute that it agreed to remain hidden by the trees. Gunward gripped my mind tightly. It explored all my memories and whenever it encountered mine and David’s shared memories it started, as if struck by electric shock, and withdrew cautiously. Its great paws left indentations in the soft moss and I knew that if I wanted to, I’d be able to find its tracks long after it had gone. Its ears were tilted forward and I knew it was observing our surroundings with vigilance. Our minds reveled in our encounter and I concentrated on the moment. I enjoyed a sense of peace, for I knew Gunward was guarding our family. I shared its lupine senses and got as far to being a wolf as was possible without submitting myself to the change. I still didn’t know exactly how many wolves comprised his pack, but at this moment I didn’t care. My senses were so full of Gunward I didn’t even notice David - who had woken up sitting down beside me. He looked at me for a moment and at once understood what was going on.

My glazed stare was locked somewhere between the trees and my lips were curved in a smile of rapture. My mind was so tightly joined with Gunward’s that David couldn’t bear to watch it. Gunward’s mind was strong and brooked no distractions. It held me in a strong grip and claimed all of me. David didn’t even try to get my attention. Enraged, he marched back inside. Only the bang of the main door jolted me from my reverie and when I tore my gaze off the wolf, I saw only dust billowing on our driveway as David sped away from me. Gunward’s connection with me was yet so strong that I couldn’t have followed David even if I had wanted to. Gunward was overjoyed. He took pleasure in David’s anguish and through me he was able to find David’s most vulnerable spots. The uncertainty that tore at him whenever I was close to Gunward. The understanding of how thin a thread kept me with David. David, unable to see into my mind, didn’t know that the thread, thin though it was, was very strong and entwined with the threads spun by our children. It would be very difficult to cut. Gunward knew that but was determined to do all he could to cut that thread, for there was also a strong tie between him and me and Gunward was convinced that no other tie could be stronger. Not even the ties between me and my children.

I got up slowly. I felt faint. I forced myself to move, but at the door I felt compelled to turn around and throw one more yearning glance at the forest. I cursed myself. I was truly stupid. As I entered our house, my sleepy daughters were already sitting in the kitchen, preparing to go to school. Only five more weeks until the summer holiday. This summer, however, we were unlikely to be able to enjoy a family holiday, as the proximity of the wolves would cause tension between David and me, and I knew Marie and Clarissa would notice that. I would have to come up with something to keep the wolves away, especially Gunward, but no matter how hard I tried to concentrate, my head felt empty. I knew this might be because deep down I wanted to keep Gunward close to me, even if it would fracture my relationship with David. Thus the only way to maintain peace with David was to find a way for Gunward and his pack to stay close to my family without David taking him for a rival. However, I couldn’t with any certainty promise David that our family would be safe with the wolves, and I myself needed to be assured that nothing would harm my family. My only option seemed to be a complete split from Gunward and the other wolves, but I didn’t know if I was ready for that. I needed them. My head felt as if it was about to crack. I gave the girls quick hugs and marched out. Once again I had made a complete mess of things. Right now, human life felt all too complicated and difficult.

I was very tired. I didn’t dare call David, as I deemed it better to let him calm down at his own pace. I knew he would relent once he had considered things from a distance. I packed my training backpack, having decided to drive to the nearby training course with Flow and Bruun. My dogs didn’t need training as such, but lately I had spent so little time with them that I missed their closeness. The dogs were always eager to train and this time, too, jumped into the car before I’d asked them to. I’d much rather have spent the morning walking in the forest, but I didn’t dare let Flow and Bruun run freely around there. Not now, when the whole forest apparently teemed with wolves. In the shape of wolves, shape shifters also behaved like wolves and although people tend to believe hybrids to be very like wolves, this is not the case. Were we out on the fells, hungry wolves would eat my hybrids without hesitation, because they are not part of the wolf pack. I couldn’t be entirely sure whether the wolves considered Flow and Bruun to belong in my pack and thus in theirs, but I dared not risk the wolves deeming my beloved hybrids to be prey, and killing them. Flow and Bruun would certainly smell the wolves’ tracks and go eagerly after them.