In an Adventure With Napoleon (19 page)

‘He’s not coming back, you know,’ said Jennifer,
appearing at the pirate with a scarf’s side and putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. ‘The Captain’s gone to that great pirate feast in the sea. The one he was always talking about, where the waitresses all wear those off-the-shoulder medieval-style lacy tops, and they never run out of grog or chops.’

‘I guess so,’ the pirate with a scarf said sadly. ‘I just hope there’s somebody there to wipe the meat grease from his beard in the afterlife. You know what a messy eater he is.’

‘Come on, we’ll be late. They’re about to unveil the memorial.’

A solemn crowd waited outside the St Helena Museum of Natural History and Antiquities, which now had the large red curtain from the town hall tacked onto one of its walls. Everybody looked sad but slim, because they were wearing black, which is flattering to the fuller figure. Several of the gamine lady islanders blew their noses noisily into their handkerchiefs. Even the ‘Monstrous Manatee’ had come out to pay his respects.

‘We’re gathered here today to remember our island’s two greatest residents,’ said the Governor, standing on top of a small box in front of the curtain. ‘Now, unfortunately we can’t carry out the Pirate Captain’s exact wishes for his memorial, because we don’t have either
the troupe of dancing girls or the swimming pool full of jelly. Nor can we implement Monsieur Bonaparte’s desires to the letter, because the technology has yet to be invented that can rearrange the stars in the night sky so that they form a big dot-to-dot picture of his face. But hopefully, were they able to be here today, they would both approve of this little memorial. May it be a lesson to us all.’

He yanked on a piece of rope and the curtain fell away to reveal a large mural. It showed the Pirate Captain and Napoleon, each atop a brightly coloured pony, galloping down a road made out of rainbows whilst an assortment of woodland creatures looked on. At the bottom were the words:

‘Would you like to add a few words, pirate with a scarf?’ asked the Governor.

The pirate with a scarf stepped forward and awkwardly traced a little picture in the sand with the toe of his boot. ‘I don’t really know what to say. It’s true the Pirate Captain wasn’t perfect. He could be pretty forgetful to be honest. He got through astrolabes like you wouldn’t
believe. He tended to rely on “running people through” as a substitute for reasoned arguments. And he certainly had some strange ideas about where babies come from. But despite all that – ’

The pirate with a scarf stopped dead. Most of the audience grumblingly muttered that they thought this was a pretty poor eulogy, but then they followed the pirate with a scarf’s startled gaze and saw two shambling figures emerge from the sea and wander up the beach towards them.

‘Sea Monsters!’ exclaimed the albino pirate.

‘Come to feast on our guts!’ wailed the Governor. ‘Or whatever bit of anatomy it is sea monsters eat at this time of day.’

As the two figures got closer the pirates saw that it wasn’t sea monsters. In fact, it seemed to be a pair of surprisingly burly, bearded washerwomen. They were laughing and having quite an animated chat.

‘Hello, you scurvy knaves,’ roared one of the washerwomen, in a familiar booming voice. ‘What on earth is all this? Where are my dancing girls in jelly?’

‘Pirate Captain!’ exclaimed the pirates, because that’s who it was. They rushed forward, and then checked themselves when, as one, they all had the same thought.

‘Are you a ghost or are you a zombie?’ asked the albino pirate tentatively. ‘If you’re a zombie then don’t just say “ghost” in order to gain ready access to our brains.’

The Captain patted him on the head reassuringly
and looked the mural up and down. ‘Not sure you’ve done justice to my famous hourglass figure,’ he sniffed, hands on hips. ‘But I like the ponies, they’re a nice touch.’

‘Your pony is called Starchaser. And Mister Napoleon’s is called Moon jumper,’ said the pirate in green eagerly. ‘I’ve written some stories about the adventures you get up to riding about on them in the afterlife.’

‘And they’ve done you very well, Napoleon,’ added the Captain, turning to the other washerwoman, who the pirates now saw was actually the moonfaced little general. ‘Really caught the quiet strength of your eyebrows.’

‘Hang on,’ said Jennifer. ‘Do you mean to say you two like each other now?’

‘Yes, it’s amazing what five days sharing the same bit of driftwood will do for a relationship,’ said Napoleon, winking. ‘It’s real kill-or-cure stuff. I think they should recommend it to married couples going through difficulties.’

‘But where have you
been
all this time? And why
aren’t
you in the afterlife?’ asked the pirate with gout.

‘Like Napoleon says, we drifted around for a while. Endless lapping waves, unremitting tedium, all the usual lost-at-sea stuff. But Neptune must have been in one of his better moods, because just before we got to drawing lots for who got to eat my succulent thighs first, we were picked up by a passing ship. Of course, slightly less
fortunately it turned out to be a slave-ship run by those black-hearted brigands from the East India Company. So before you could say “I like ham” we were thrown in the hold and clapped in irons.’

‘Dear me. How on earth did you escape?’ asked the Governor.

‘Aarrr, well. It’s a bit of long story.’ The Pirate Captain sat down on a rock, adjusted his frock and lit a cigarette. ‘There we were, halfway to the other side of the world, hanging upside down in the bowels of this devil ship, facing certain death or worse …’

‘… and that’s how we defeated the combined forces of the East India Company, the Jade Emperor’s golden hordes, the King of the Cowboys, and the International Crime Cartel, armed only with a piece of seaweed and six barnacles.’

All the pirates and islanders clapped, because it was easily the most exciting tale any of them had ever heard, or would ever be likely to hear, with inciting incidents and second-act climaxes and setbacks and moments of despair and character arcs and long dark nights of the soul and last-minute reprieves in all the right places.

‘The only thing I don’t quite understand,’ said the Governor, frowning, ‘is how you ended up emerging from the sea dressed as washerwomen?’

‘Oh, let’s not get into that right now,’ said the Pirate Captain, yawning. ‘Because it’s a whole other kettle of fish that I may or may not choose to explain at a later date, depending on how the mood takes me.’

‘Fair enough, Captain,’ said Jennifer. ‘We’re just happy you’re back. Anyhow, you’ll be delighted to know that we kept up with the bee-keeping. We’ve become quite proficient at it. It turns out the albino pirate is a bit of a natural.’

‘Yes, Captain,’ added the Governor happily. ‘Famous Nautical Honey is now St Helena’s most popular export.’
³¹

‘Aaarrr, about that,’ the Pirate Captain said, absently twirling a lock of beard hair around his finger. ‘I hate to disappoint you, lads, but I’ve had another one of my unpredictable changes of heart.’

‘You mean we’re going to be pirates again?’ asked Jennifer, clapping her hands in delight.

The Captain grinned. ‘Maybe I am a bit of an antique when it comes to modern piracy. And possibly we’re not the most successful bunch of brigands ever to sail the seven seas. But I still have a glossier beard and better tattoos than any of these young idiots with their all their fancy side-partings and qualifications. So just as soon as we’ve patched up the boat, who’s up for finding some treasure? Even if it
is
guarded by Giant Crabs with terrible clacking pincers?’

The pirates waved goodbye to Napoleon and the Governor as the pirate boat sailed away from the island. They rubbed their faces against the rigging and happily inhaled the smell of tar and weevils. A few of them fell over, because they’d been on land so long that they hadn’t found their sea legs yet, except for the pirate with a hook for a hand, who’d found his sea legs because they were prosthetic and made out of wood, and he kept them safely in a trunk next to his hammock.

‘It’s good that Mister Napoleon has decided to go back to trying to conquer the world once he’s finished his memoirs,’ said the pirate in green.

‘And we’re glad you decided bee-keeping wasn’t being true to yourself, Captain,’ said the pirate with a scarf. ‘In fact, the lads clubbed together and made you something.’

The pirate with a scarf beckoned to the albino pirate, who stepped forward sheepishly. He handed the Captain a little trophy that appeared to be made mostly from foil and sticky tape. The Pirate Captain held it up in the sunlight and peered at the inscription.

‘
For the Pirate Captain
,’ he read. ‘
You’ll always be OUR Pirate of the Year. Love, the crew.
’ The Captain paused, and bit his lip. ‘Boys, I don’t know what to say. I mean, obviously this trophy is extremely poorly made and of no monetary value at all, and I don’t suppose the judging
process was particularly rigorous, but still, I’m touched. Anyhow, it’s been a long day and I need to get out of these washerwoman clothes,’ said the Pirate Captain, handing the wheel over to his second in command and heading towards his cabin.

‘Oh, and lads?’ The Pirate Captain stopped mid-stride, turned round and pulled a serious face. ‘The best thing about the seaside is the Punch and Judy shows.’ Then he marched through the big oak doors to his office.

‘He’s right, said the pirate in green. ‘It is the Punch and Judy shows.’

‘Especially the bit with the crocodile and the sausages,’ said the albino pirate.

And with that, the pirates went downstairs to do some shantying.