In Her Mind (Mountain High Valley Low ) (6 page)

“What, Brian?!” she stated, tight-lipped.
“What, Lexie?!”
My response made her stop chopping bell peppers long

enough to sigh and allow her attitude to spread all over her face. I continued staring, concentrating on her every move, scrutinizing her with my eyes.

“What do you want, Brian?” she asked in that same tightlipped manner. “Why do you keep staring at me?” Then she put the knife down and threw her hands in the air. “I wish you would stop because it’s really annoying.”

“Oh, really? You’re annoyed?” I asked with mock surprise. “I thought I didn’t exist? How is it that all of a sudden I annoy you?”

She huffed but didn’t answer. I got up from the couch and swiftly walked over to her. It was clear that I’d caught her off guard because she jumped when I approached her. I have to admit, I’m not one for playing games for any amount of time. I held her firmly by the arm to let her know that I was serious, then waited for her to stare directly into my eyes before speaking. Knowing Lexie as well as I do, the arm grip was sure to get her attention. Even though she looked at me as if she was about to stab me with the knife she was cutting vegetables with, when she read my expression she realized it was time to listen to what I had to say.

“For the past four days you have walked around this house ignoring me and acting like I don’t live here. Now I know you are upset, but this is not the way to handle it. You are being childish and I’m not putting up with it anymore. Either you say what you have to say or leave it alone.” I let her arm go and she grabbed it and held it herself. “I won’t be married to you if I can’t have peace in my own house, so just know that this will be the last time we play this game. From now on, if you have something you need to say to me, say it!”

She narrowed her eyes at me and for a moment I thought she was going to spit in my face. I know for a fact she was surprised because I had never handled her that way before.
“I’m serious, Shelly!” I said.
“What did you just call me?” Lexie’s eyes grew wide and I

Then it hit me. I had called her Shelly. What could have been worse? I had to fix this and fast. If I didn’t have her attention before, I surely had it now.

Shelly.”
“That’s because you are acting like her. I knew that would
finally get your attention.” I tried to play it off.
“Oh! Hell! No! How dare you, Brian? That’s not funny
and don’t try to play it off like you meant to say it. That rolled off
of your tongue a little too naturally. So, Brian, tell me. Just how
much time have you been spending with Shelly that her name
now just rolls naturally off of your tongue? You want to hear what
I have to say—I’ll tell you. I don’t want to be caught up in your
baby mama drama. I’m not trying to put myself out there just to
get hurt. And I don’t appreciate being lied to.”
“Lex, I have never lied to you.”
“Bullshit, Brian! I found your son’s picture way before I
walked into OUR house and found the two of you sound asleep.
How long have you been communicating with Shelly without me
knowing? When did you plan on letting me in on the secret, huh?
How am I supposed to trust you as my husband when I don’t feel
like I can trust you now? How do I know that you won’t wake up
one day and decide that you want your son more than you want
to be with me?”
Lexie’s chest began to rise and fall in rapid succession. I
thought she was about to hyperventilate. Then the tears began to pour from her eyes. She slapped them away as if she was mad they had appeared without her approval. Even though I had asked for her to say what was on her mind, I wasn’t sure how to handle it
once she let it out.
“Lexie.”
“What, Brian?! What do you have to say to me now?” She
turned her back to me. “Just let me know what you want to do.
I need to know. I’m not going to sit around and wait to get my
feelings hurt.”
I couldn’t believe she was thinking this was about an
ultimatum—her or the baby. I wanted both. I just needed time to
find out how to strike a balance. All I could do was rub my head
to try and clear the thoughts running through it.
“Lexie, this is not about you or the baby. You are going to
be my wife and I have a son that I need to be there for. This is all
new to me and I just need to find a way to make it all work out.” “Well, what if Shelly says that you can’t be a part of your
son’s life unless you are with her. That’s just the type of woman
she is, and women like her do it all the time. I can’t compete with
that, so I may as well cut my losses.”
“What are you saying, Lexie?” I felt myself losing control of
my temper.
“Just tell me what the deal is, Brian.” Lexie spoke in a quiet
tone.
“What do you think the deal is, Lexie?” Unconsciously, I
pressed my hands against both sides of my head. Lexie’s tears
flowed like torrents.
“I just don’t want to be left out in the cold. Just let me know
where I stand. I am not going to beg you to be with me and I’m certainly not going to ask you to choose between me and your son.
Just let me know so I know what I have to do.”
I realized that it was up to me to bring clarity to this
situation for Lexie. Looking in her eyes, I saw that the fire was
completely gone. Her once bright, sparkling brown eyes were now
dull and lifeless, as if she were carrying the weight of the world on
one shoulder. I pulled her into me, hoping to restore what had
been lost.
“Lex. I am not asking you to make any type of decision.
And I’m not making any choice here between you and my son.
You are going to be my wife. You are the one I want to share my
life with. Something inside of me knew that the day I met you
alone in that club. But I do have a child, and I will be a part of
his life with you there beside me. There is no question about that.
All I need from you is a little faith and understanding. I’ve never
been in a situation like this before so I’m not experienced in how
to handle it and make it work,” I said, gently cupping Lexie’s face
in my hands. I pushed her tears aside with my thumbs. “Then why the secrecy, Brian?” she sobbed.
“Lexie, I just didn’t know how to bring it to you. But rest
assured, you are the one I want to be with. Shelly has no choice
but to accept that. At the same time, you are going to have to
accept the fact that I will have to deal with Shelly on some level
because she is the mother of my son and I’m not giving up on
him. I lost one child, I won’t lose another.”
At the mention of the baby we lost together, Lexie dropped
her head and cried out. I held her close. Close enough to let her
know without words that I was here to stay. As I held her, my cell
phone rang. At first I was going to ignore the call but decided to at least see who was calling. Still holding on to Lexie, I pulled the phone from my pocket and the display read Shelly. Despite the circumstances, something told me to answer the call. Shelly’s
anxious tone clipped my hello.
“Brian, I need you. BJ’s sick and I need you now. I’m at my
old apartment. Please come right away, sweetie. Your son needs
you,” she whined and hung up the phone.
The deadpan look on Lexie’s face revealed that she had
heard every word Shelly said.

I was happy that Brian was finally on his way over to my place. It took a couple of days to get my old apartment back in order, but boy was I glad I had decided to rent it instead of sell it. I guess I always knew that I would have a need to return to it one day. I had to begin to seriously work my magic to get my life with Brian back.

I checked on BJ to make sure the allergy medicine I had given him was doing its job. When I peeked into his new room, I saw that he looked terribly drowsy as he sat on the floor attempting to play with his toys. One more warm towel should do the trick, I thought. My timing was perfect. By the time my doorbell rang, BJ was half asleep and the warm towel had made his head feel like he had a fever. I held my tired little boy in my arms and whispered to him, “Don’t worry, honey. After a while, Mommy won’t have to do these types of things.” I quickly scanned the room to make sure I didn’t leave any incriminating evidence around.

“Coming!” I opened the door for Brian and practically fell into his arms with BJ.
“What’s happened, Shelly?” Brian asked.
“It’s BJ. I’ve never seen him like this before,” I said as if I were about to cry. “He’s so lifeless. And he has a high fever.”
“How high is it? Brian asked,” looking alarmed.
Like I knew how high his fever was. What was I supposed to do, take the towel’s temperature? He was asking too many questions. All I needed him to do was be really concerned, not interrogate me.
“I don’t know. I don’t have a thermometer here. I guess I forgot to pack it when I left Long Island.”
“Give him here,” Brian said, reaching for BJ. “Hey, little man. What’s wrong? You’re not feeling well?” he said while stroking the boy’s large curls. Then Brian placed his cheek against BJ’s temple to gauge his fake fever. “He’s just a little warm now. Maybe the fever’s come down some. I’ll run to the pharmacy and get a thermometer so we can see how high his fever is. And if we have to, we’ll run him over to the emergency room.”
“Oh, thank you, Brian. He’s never been sick like this before. Here, let me take him,” I said, reaching for BJ. “You really do make a good daddy,” I said seductively and smiled.
“Thanks,” Brian said nervously before walking out of the door.
I slowly closed the door behind him and smiled. Finally, I was on my way. I placed BJ on the couch and went to the kitchen to check on the meal I was preparing. My cooking skills had improved tremendously. Between a few classes and practicing meals on Brandon, I had definitely kicked things up a notch or two in the kitchen. I had prepared a little filet mignon, baked potatoes, and asparagus. I hoped Brian liked asparagus. If he didn’t, he should be satisfied with the steak, potatoes, and what I had to offer for dessert.
When Brian returned, he had a thermometer, several bottles of Gatorade, ice pops, children’s Tylenol, and a toy car. I took the bag from him and took it to the kitchen. Brian went straight for the couch, took BJ into his arms, and began to talk to him.
“Brian, sweetie, what’s all of this for?” I asked as I withdrew all of the items out of the bag.
“Give me the thermometer so I can take his temperature,” he started. “I told the pharmacist about BJ and he told me what to do. He said that he might not have to go to the emergency room if we can break the fever, and that the children’s Tylenol should do the trick. He also asked if he was eating and drinking okay, and if he wasn’t to just give him Gatorade and ice pops to keep him hydrated. Some stuff called Pedialyte is what most doctors or pharmacists recommend, but he said that most kids won’t drink it because it tastes bad. So I went ahead and got everything he said just in case Brice needed it.”
“Wow, Brian, you are really good at this daddy thing, aren’t you?” I handed him the thermometer and stood beside him as if I was anxiously awaiting the results.
Brian carefully removed the instrument from the package and read the instructions. “Okay, little man, open up.” He placed the thermometer into BJ’s mouth and watched the seconds tick away on his Raymond Weil wristwatch. After about a minute, Brian removed the thermometer and read it. “Ninety-nine point nine. He’s just fine.” Then he looked up at me. “Shelly, maybe you should give him a little of the Tylenol just in case.”
“Uh…sure,” I said as I bit the side of my thumb. “Here, let me take him.” I took BJ, who was still half asleep, into the kitchen and pretended to give him the medicine. I quickly brought him back to Brian so he wouldn’t consider leaving so soon. “Okay, I gave it to him. Can you hold him while I check on my dinner?” I gently placed BJ safely back into Brian’s arms then turned toward the kitchen. “Are you hungry?”
“No, I’m fine. Thanks,” he said quickly.
“Aw, come on, Brian. I’ve come a long way with my cooking. Believe me. I’m much better than I used to be. I took classes, you know?”
“Really?” he stated, sounding unconvinced.
“Seriously, Brian. Try a taste. I made filet mignon, baked potatoes, and asparagus. And it’s more than enough.”
“Alright, maybe I’ll taste a little.”
“Yes!” I whispered and pumped my fist in the air. Choosing my best china, I fixed Brian a plate fit for a king.
I wondered how Lexie was going to like this. Not only was I able to pull Brian away from her with a simple call, but I’m sending him back sated. Soon enough, he’ll realize he doesn’t need her at all.
Brian devoured the food and hung out for a few minutes more to make sure BJ was doing well. Seeing him satisfied and happy brought a smile to my face and I couldn’t wait until we were permanently together as a happy family.
“Wow, Shelly. I must admit, that was pretty tasty,” Brian said, snapping me out of my perfect little daydream. “I have to give you credit. You certainly did your thing with that filet mignon. And the asparagus—I don’t even like asparagus and I liked that.”
“I’ve improved in a lot of ways, Brian.”
“That’s good. So listen, I need to go. BJ’s resting now. Call me if you need to.”
“You don’t have to leave so soon, do you?” I said and pouted my lips.
“As a matter of fact I do. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Speaking of talking…we need to talk about us—you, BJ, and me—.”
“Whatever he needs, I’ll be there for him.”
“Hold on,” I told him and ran to put BJ in his bed. That poor boy was sleeping so hard he was snoring, and carrying him around felt like I was carrying weights. I quickly returned to the living room, hoping Brian hadn’t escaped in my brief absence. “I mean us. How do we handle us?” I asked as I sat down on the couch and crossed my legs, showing off my fit, but feminine, muscle tone.
Brian stood, creating distance between us.
“We,” he said, pointing from himself to me several times, “being his parents, will work together to give him what he needs.”
“What he needs,” I got up and met him where he stood, “is his parents around him all of the time, especially when he’s sick and needs us the most.”
“Well, Shelly. It’s possible for us to be good parents and be there for him without living in the same household. Besides, you are married and I have someone in my life.”
“That marriage was a sham and I’m now out of it. You’re not married and we have BJ. We need to be together.”
“I’m sorry, Shelly. That can’t happen.”
Brian was just talking a little crazy and needed me to show him what was best. I was also ready to remind him of what he had missed all these years. I pulled in close to him and touched his chest. He gently removed my hands. I touched him again.
“Brian. Listen to me. I told you before—it’s all or nothing, and that hasn’t changed. Now we have a beautiful little boy together and we need to do what’s best for him. I need you in my life and so does BJ. Either way, I’ll always be around because I am the mother of your child, so we might as well go about this the right way. Your friend will understand.”
“She’s not my friend.”
Brian was getting annoyed but so was I. And I decided to ignore his ‘friend’ comment.
“But, Brian, you knew my terms and you sought me out.” Before I could say another word, Brian put his hands up.
“Shelly, that was two years ago. And the reason I sought you out is because I needed to know if BJ was my son. Any selfrespecting man with an ounce of integrity is not going to be satisfied with the possibility that they might have a child out there somewhere. My dad wasn’t in my life and I vowed that I would be a part of my children’s lives.”
“So this is how you make that happen. I’ve already done my part. You need to let your ‘friend’ go.”
“Listen, I’ve got to go. Call me if something happens to Brice.”
Something in me snapped and I just couldn’t let Brian walk out of that door. He had to know that we could work.
“No, Brian, don’t go.”
“Shelly. You are not getting it. There is no ‘us.’ There will never be an ‘us.’ The only connection we have is Brice and that’s it. I have a life that I am going to live. You need to live yours, too. You have to accept that.”
I started crying uncontrollably. I didn’t expect that to happen and I was pissed that Brian had taken me there emotionally. I was completely out of my head and it pained me that Brian always had the ability to drive me to my breaking point.
“No, I will not and cannot accept that.” It’s all or nothing. There is no Brice without me, Brian. That’s the deal. Pointblank!
Brian huffed and held his head in his hands. “So you are telling me that if I won’t be with you, you are going to deprive BJ of having a relationship with his father? Just because I don’t want to be with you?”
I held my head. The words “don’t want to be with you” played over and over like a broken record.
“I’m sorry, Shelly, but that can’t work for me. I want to be a part of my son’s life but I’m not going to be with you because you want to place this sick demand on me.”
“Sick demand?!” Before I knew it, I had jumped on Brian and began beating his chest and scratching at his face.
My vision was clouded because of my tears and I could hardly hear. Brian tried desperately to stop the barrage of slaps and punches to no avail. I was too wild for him. Finally, he caught hold of my wrists and held them firmly, leaving me unable to move at will.
“Get off of me! You’re hurting me!” I screamed, huffing and puffing.
“Stop trying to hit me,” he said.
Suddenly, BJ was behind us wailing. I pulled myself from Brian’s grip, but before I could get to BJ, Brian had already picked him up and began to comfort him. When I looked at my wrists, they were red where Brian held me. Once Brian was able to calm BJ down, he sat him on the couch and left. A feeling of rejection overwhelmed me but I wasn’t done yet. One way or another, I was going to get him. I took another look at my bruised wrist, picked BJ up and headed down to the precinct.