In Memory (36 page)

That almost sounds like I’ll automatically forgive him. I’m not going to. He broke my heart, and he’ll have to work to fix it.

But misdirected anger doesn’t help anything. Anger in general rarely does.

So I will be as happy as I can be, my normal self, because that’s all I can really ask for. My own happiness is up to me.

G
uess I had to reach the deepest sadness to bounce back.

After all that though, I feel kind of crazy. I’ve never been the type to just freak out like that. Maybe the knowledge that I’m going to die in 47 days is weighing more heavily on me than I thought.

As most Sundays go, it was relaxing today, and Terra and I started watching a new show, another supernatural type one. Terra’s always liked these types of shows, maybe because she really believes in it.

She didn’t even stop to consider the fact that curses don’t exist. That’s one of her best qualities, I think, that she simply just
believes.
It simplifies a lot of explanations.

H
ope he shows up to school tomorrow; we only have a few days left before exams start.

46 Days, 12 January, Monday

Beautiful. Tragic. Heartbreaker. Strong. Stoic. Broken. Brilliant. Bright.

Gone.

Noah disappeared.

Nobody has heard or seen from him since he last saw me on Tuesday. My mind jumped to horrible conclusions, wondering if he actually tried to kill himself. Ariel seemed to think the same thing, almost immediately turning red and suppressing tears in her eyes.

After English today, Mrs. Trumpeter held Julia, Ariel and I back, asking us seriously if we knew where he was. Apparently, his father was calling the school, in so
me charade of concern. H
e filed a missing person’s report as well.

We answered honestly,
that we really didn’t know. H
ated that it was the truth. Ever since I’ve known him, I’ve had a fairly good idea of his
well-being
, and his location, safe or not.

So it’s weird to not know.

But he wasn’t at the hospital, this much is certain at least.
Dunno
if that’s a good or bad thing.

45 Days, 13 January, Tuesday

Things have become really
stressful lately. W
ish it was Friday so I could look forward to a relaxing weekend to recover from exam stress, deathday stress, and the fact that Noah, by all accounts, is missing.

Julia and Ariel are really helping me keep it together right now. Friends really are the best support during times like this. To thank them for their friendship, I made a huge lunch for us all to eat together.

I
ncluded what I understood to be their
favourites
; a few mini loaves of banana bread for Ariel, and tuna salad with celery for Julia. Our time spent together today was largely comfortable, mostly because the topic of Noah’s whereabouts never came up in actual conversation. It was likely that we were all thinking about him, but not saying anything for fear of the uncomfortable tension that accompanied that mystery.

Terra doesn’t talk about him anymore ei
ther. She’s locked his room. O
nly know that because I tried to go in today, and found the knob immobile.

W
as go
ing to just go in there and…
D
unno
, just confirm he was
ever here
maybe.

44 Days, 14 January, Wednesday

G
ot called to the office today, to pick up a letter addressed to me. It was on familiar ivory stationery, sealed with a silver rose sticker.

(Now that I think about it, Noah always kept that stationery in his binder.)

Dear Aerie,

You will not see me again. I am sorry, but I simply cannot allow you to ever be tainted by my father. I cannot see any other alternative than to disappear. Don’t try to find me.

Noah

He’d crossed out his whole letter, and continued another below it.

It had never been my intention to have to leave you in pe
rson.  I am so sorry for what I’ve done. Please understand
I believe there is no other option.  I cannot allow you to be a part of my life any longer. This may seem foolhardy, but I cannot let you be hurt. However, I do realise that in leaving, I have hurt you. Forget me. Forget everything about me.  I request that you leave me in the past, do not keep me in memory. You won’t see me again.

I’
m sorry,

Noah

There were smudges in the ink towards the end of it, like it was getting wet while he wrote. The way it was written, though, it almost feels like a suicide note. Apparently, it was left in the office, and the secretary discovered it under a stack of papers. Since it was addressed to me on the front, they delivered it without question. I was reading it in English today, and Mrs. Trumpeter noticed the handwriting.

“Aerian! Is that a letter from Noah? Has he been writing to you since he’s gone missing?”

L
ooked at the letter, studying the fine lines of his name. “No. He left this in the office the day he disappeared.”

Mrs. Trumpeter looked sympathetic, “Are you alright dear? I know this must be very difficult for you.”

“The uncertainty
of it is what’s difficult.” C
ontinued staring at his name, and the apology above it. “This makes it sound like he…”

“What, dear?”

“The way he wrote it, it sounds like he was going to kill himself.”

She gasped, and placed her hand over her mouth, her eyes fixed on the letter. “Are you certain?”

“He says that I’ll never see him again.”

Mrs. Trumpeter said something after that, and I sort of numbly nodded. The 3:30 bell rang, and I silently left, holding the letter in my hand all the way home.

You won’t
see me again.

43 Days, 15 January, Thursday

How am I supposed to regain some kind of normality? The worst part of this whole thing is the uncertainty. There was no closure, not really. He just left.

The letter didn’t help. It only made it worse.

D
id decide to go look for him this weekend though. If anything, it’ll make me feel like I’m actually doing something constructive.

He’d say “A short, blunt human pyramid.” And then smile.

Inside joke, I guess.

Tomorrow after school, I’m going to walk around town, and just see if there’s any sign of him at all.

N
eed something more concrete from him than letters and words.

42 Days, 16 January, Friday

T
hink fate likes me.

F
ound Noah today, but couldn’t even get close to him.

As I was walking down one of the alleys in the seedier part of town, I saw him shuffling towards me. I froze, staring, momentarily unsure if it was even
him
. He looked terrible, even an alley’s length away. There was a brown blanket wrapped around his shoulders, and a mouldy looking toque on his head. His skin was as pale as the snow falling down around him, shadowed by smudges of dirt. The way he walked was sort of slow, with regular breaths puffing out of his mouth with each step. By all accounts, he looked very much like someone who’d been living on the street for weeks.

Noah bent down, picked something up, and put it in his pocket, before continuing on. As he got nearer to me, I could see his eyes widen, and he threw the blanket off, tearing down the alley in the opposite direction.

Obviously, I chased him, but he was way faster
than me. R
emember that from a long time ago. He should be an Olympic sprinter or something.

C
ould follow his footsteps though, which really helped. There were othe
r people staring as I ran by,
could feel their gazes on me. No doubt they watched him go by too, and a chase scene is always exciting.

My heart thrummed with excitement. At least he’s
alive,
at least he’s alive. K
ept repeating that as I thundered through the snow after him.

He’s running away, but at least he’s alive.

Eventually, the alleyway opened up onto the street, and his footsteps became lost in the many others. I looked around wildly for him, and then I saw…

A man was holding his arm, and leading him down the sidewalk. The man was huge, and in an expensive-looking suit and coat. Noah may be fast, but I don’t think there’s any way he’s getting out of that man’s gorilla grip.

C
alled his name and ran towards him, which now doesn’t seem like the best idea.

Noah looked around, a blus
h rising in his sallow face. C
ould easily read his
lips;
it was something I’d seen countless times before.

“I’m sorry.”

The gorilla-looking man looked around too, and glowered at me. At least there were other people nearby
, so he didn’t say anything. H
ave a feeling his voice would be growly and terrifying.

Noah reached into his pocket, and dropped something red on the ground, before a fancy-looking car pulled up, and the gorilla man and he got inside. The car drove past me, and I could see his thin hand pressed against the glass of the window.

So he’s
safe now, presumably. C
an only imagine the gorilla man was some kind of government guy
or something. G
uess I chased him right to that guy; gorilla-man must’ve been searching for him too.

When I went to see what he dropped, I found a clear plastic red heart in the
snow. P
icked it up, inwardly smiling as I realised exactly what that meant. Something I’d never thought of until just now.

He never gave back the heart I had given him.

He always kept it.

T
hought he lied to me, but he didn’t. You have no idea the relief I feel right now.

Somehow, I just know that everything is going to be okay
now. No matter what happens. K
now my heart and soul will be safe in his possession.

F
inally feel happy again.

He’s alive, and that’s all I can really ask for.

T
ried my best to fix the heart I broke, but glue stuck to all the seams, and looked terrible. Not to mention, a lot of the pieces were m
issing. O
pted to put it in it
s own box in amongst the other hearts, placing the new one on the very top of the pile.

G
uess the reminder of the broken heart will serve me well in the future.

Terra was happy to see me in good spirits, and we had one of the nicest evenings for a long while.

M
ade a lovely dessert and we watched telly until pretty late.

41 Days, 17 January, Saturday

Good thing I had work today.

A
ctually got to talk to Noah today. But… he didn’t speak.

He came into the hospital, accompanied by his father. His father made a big show of being with Noah throughout his whole
checkup
, which it seemed most people bought as a ‘caring father routine’.

Noah was really ill, from the infection on his back that went untended for the past 10 days. (It’s hard to believe he’d been gone that long.) He was also really
weak;
it’s a wonder he could even run away from me yesterday.
Adrenaline, I guess.

Terra wouldn’t allow me
near him until his father left to deal with some paperwork and left him under the supervision of a couple nurses. Surreptitiously, I sat next to him, making sure he saw the glimmer of my blue heart.

From my seat next to him, I could feel the anxiety that gave him an unmistakable tension.

Noah looked at me, right in the eye, and then looked away, a crimson blush
colouring
his face.

D
ecided to just say everything I needed to say to him. “I do forgive you for trying to run away. I know what you intended to do. But you broke my heart, and it’s not going to be easily fixed.”

He looked wretched when I said that, resolutely staring at his hands.

“I love you, and I will forever and always, but you need to trust me more. You can’t run away from your problems, even if it is for noble reasons. You only wanted to protect me, I know. But I have to fight my own battles, and that includes fighting
him.
” He flinched when I emphasized there, “I know the idea of me ever confronting him is terrifying to you. So much so that you left me, and risked your own life.”