Incendiary (18 page)

I closed my eyes and I felt something on the back of my neck. It might of been his lips. Or it might of been my husband’s lips or Jasper’s lips I had 8 G&Ts inside me telling me it made no difference. Terence’s hand moved on my thigh. I gasped and it moved up my leg. I felt his hand push under the elastic of my knickers. Oh god I thought here I go again. I felt his fingers combing through my pubes and I felt the white van behind us blow up and I felt our cab flying eighty feet up in the air high above Bethnal Green tube. I felt the red blood gushing out of me while our cab spun black in the night under the smiling faces of the Shield of Hope. I felt his weight on mine as we lay burning in the wreckage. Oh god it was so bloody nice not to die alone.

The rush of booze got stronger. I opened my eyes and we were turning right onto Bethnal Green Road and we hadn’t been blown up after all. I felt sweet saliva in my mouth.

—Oh dear I think I need to get out.

The cabbie stamped on the brakes and pulled the cab over quick sharp. They know from the tone of your voice when you’re serious. I got out and puked on the double yellows while Terence Butcher held my shoulders. My puke was pure gin you could of cleaned brass with it. When we got back in the cab I felt much better. I smiled at Terence.

—Sorry.

—Don’t apologise, he said. There but for the grace of god and all that.

We were driving past the KFC and the sari shops now we were only 2 mins from my flat.

—Oh look I’m nearly home.

—Are you sure you’re going to be alright? said Terence.

The driver turned onto Barnet Grove.

—Let me come in with you, said Terence.

—It’s almost curfew. You realise if you come in you’ll be stuck with me for the night.

—Yes, he said. That was the general idea.

—What about your wife?

—I’ll call her, he said. I’ll tell her I’m overnighting at the office.

I held on to his hand. My skin was tingling and my stomach was jumping. The emptiness inside me was howling like the wind round tall buildings. The driver slowed up for the speed bumps on Barnet Grove. My street was all grey and dismal with Tesco bags blowing down it like the ghosts of value shopping.

—Anywhere in particular? said the cabbie.

—Anywhere here.

The cab stopped and I squeezed Terence Butcher’s hand.

—Terence. I like you. Let’s not spoil this. Go home to your wife tonight. Get up tomorrow morning and feel good. Look after your kids. Believe me you don’t know how important it is. And then think about it and if you want me then you can have me. Only let’s not do it like this. Please let’s do it so your wife and kids don’t ever find out.

Terence blinked at me. He looked so sad. I wanted him so badly I could feel the emptiness inside me shouting NO NO NO but I did it anyway. I squeezed Terence’s hand one last time then I let it go and I opened the cab door. I got out and grabbed the door handle and slammed Terence Butcher safely back inside his life and his kids and his wife in her Dunlop Green Flash. I waved good-bye and watched his tired face pressed up against the window glass.

I stared up at the dead faces of the Shield of Hope floating in the orange sky. I stared for a long time and then I went inside and up to my flat and I got Mr. Rabbit and I curled up with him on the floor of my boy’s room. I slept and I dreamed of my husband and my boy. They were setting off for heaven in our old blue Astra and their Arsenal away strip. They were ever so excited to be going. I’d made them packed lunches in case it was a long journey. My husband smiled at me. He was tall and handsome and he was all in one piece. I smiled back at him. We’ll be off now love he said. You come after us as soon as you like. I waved them good-bye. My boy was smiling and waving with his nose stuck up against the back window. I watched them drive off up Barnet Grove and into the rising sun.

When I woke up my boy’s room was rosy pink from the new day coming in through the curtains. And me? Me I was still smiling.

*                  *                  *

Later that morning I took my hangover into the shower. I say the shower Osama but actually I was standing in the bath. Our shower was one of those rubber hose efforts you stick on to the bath taps. My boy used to love it. He used to take it off the taps and make you hold the rubber ends to your ears so he could talk to you through the showerhead like it was a microphone. What he used to say was COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP I suppose it was my husband taught him that.

The boy loved that game it used to take hours to actually wash his hair. Still you saved me that chore didn’t you Osama. So it was just my own hair I was washing when the doorbell went. I was washing it for the third time. I never could get the smell of smoke out of it since May Day.

I wrapped a towel round my head and I put on my pink bathrobe and went to the front door. I put the chain on the door and opened it a crack and looked out. It was Petra Sutherland standing there. She was wearing maroon stiletto boots silky flower-print skirt pink cashmere rolltop sweater and her hair was long and straight and shiny. She stood there looking at me. Her face was very white there was no blood in it.

—What must I do to get rid of you? she said.

I tried to shut the front door but Petra jammed one of her boots into the gap. Both of us started pushing at the door but she couldn’t open it on account of the chain and I couldn’t close it on account of her foot.

—What do you want?

—I want you to stop chasing after Jasper, she said.

—I never chased after him.

—Liar, said Petra. Trollop.

She pushed her face right up into the gap of the door and sneered at me.

—He came home reeking of you last night, she said. I know your smell. You smell of this place. I spent a whole night in it.

—You don’t understand.

—Oh I understand perfectly well, she said. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. Let me in.

—Nah I don’t think so.

—People don’t tell me no, she said. Let me in. We’re going to have this out once and for all.

—Please. I’m not feeling well. Can’t you and Jasper both just leave me alone?

—Us leave you alone? said Petra. Oh that’s funny. That’s a good one.

—Please. You don’t know the situation. It’s Jasper you want to have a word with. Not me.

—No, she said. Let me in. I’m prepared to stay here all day if that’s what it takes.

—Suit yourself.

I went back and finished my shower. It wasn’t the sort of shower you see on the Timotei adverts with a Swedish girl in a waterfall. The water was a bit brown from the rust in the pipes and I could hear Petra banging on the front door the whole time and screaming at me to OPEN THIS DAMN DOOR. By the time I got out and started drying my hair she was trying something different she was yelling THERE IS A PAEDOPHILE IN THIS FLAT. I suppose she thought an angry mob would appear out of nowhere like they do in the
Daily Mail
and help her storm in but she still had a lot to learn about the Wellington Estate. Round here they wouldn’t piss on themselves if they were on fire let alone the neighbours.

I went into the bedroom and put on a white T-shirt and white trackie bottoms. I lay on the bed just minding my own till the banging and the shouting went quiet and then I went back to the front door. Petra was sitting on the floor with her back against the wall and her foot still jammed in the door. Her head was down on her knees.

—You finished are you? Got it all out of your system?

Petra looked up at me her eyes were red and puffy and there were streaks of black mascara down her face. It was a bit of a shock I hadn’t put her down for the sort of girl who has feelings. The timer ran out on the stairway lights and the landing went dark behind her. We just stared at each other for a long time through the gap in the door. Petra sniffed.

—You’d better come in.

I took the chain off the door and opened it wide and Petra snapped her head up to look at me.

—Come on get up before I change my mind.

Petra started to put her hands down on the floor to push herself up but the floor was all mucky and she had a good look at it and held her hand out to me instead. I took hold of her hand and pulled her up. When she was up we let go of each other’s hands as quick as we could.

—I need to clean up, said Petra.

—Yeah. Well. You know where the bathroom is don’t you?

I went into the kitchen and I didn’t know what to do with myself so I took all the mugs out of the cupboard and then I put them back in with their colours in the same order as the rainbow from right to left and all of their handles pointing outwards except for the one mug that had a handle on each side. I didn’t know what to do with it and I was still holding it in my hands when Petra came into the kitchen. She’d washed all that streaky mascara off and her face looked very white and new without makeup. I held the mug up.

—Coffee?

Petra looked at the jar of instant sitting on the worktop.

—I think I’d rather have vodka, she said. Do you still have some?

—Yeah. Only I didn’t have you down as a morning drinker.

—It isn’t the morning yet, said Petra. I haven’t slept.

I poured Petra a vodka from the freezer. I felt poorly just looking at it but Petra knocked it straight back and passed me the empty glass.

—Ouch, she said. Again.

I poured her another and we went into the lounge and sat down at different ends of the sofa. Petra looked out at Barnet Grove through the net curtains. Those 3 kids were out there on their bikes again turning slow circles just like they were on May Day it made me nervous.

—The really stupid thing, said Petra. Is that I never really cared about Jasper. Until I realised he was slipping away from me.

I didn’t say anything.

—It’s awful of course, she said. Not really to feel anything about someone until one’s faced with losing them. I suppose you think that’s awfully selfish.

—Nah. I don’t think. I mean I don’t really have the imagination do I?

Petra smiled. She was still looking out the window.

—You can be terribly dry can’t you? she said.

I just gave her a small shrug she couldn’t see on account of her back was turned. I sat there hugging one of the sofa cushions I was getting another wave of my hangover and it was best not to move around too much.

—It hasn’t been the same between Jasper and me since May Day, said Petra. I don’t know whether to blame you or Osama bin Laden. I don’t know which of you is worse.

—Yeah. Well. Have you talked to Jasper about it?

—Jasper’s not in a good place right now, said Petra. He’s been overdoing it. He’s not easy to talk to.

—You’d better give it a go though eh?

Petra was still looking out the window. You could see her back going all stiff and angry and when she spoke her voice was shaking.

—How dare you? she said. How dare you tell me what I better had and better hadn’t do? You’re the one that’s got my Jasper into this state. You’re the one chasing after him with your cute little tush and your sweet little sob story.

Petra stood up and spun round to face me.

—You parasite, she said. Just because your sad little life is over doesn’t give you the right to come after mine.

—You’re having a laugh aren’t you? I’ve seen how you live and I’d rather die.

—Hah, said Petra. Look at me and tell me you weren’t with Jasper yesterday evening.

—That’s not what I’m saying.

—Slut, whispered Petra.

She slapped me round the face it was hard and vicious. I didn’t see her hand coming and it caught me half round the chin and half in the throat it snapped my head back so I heard the bones in my neck click. I fell back on the sofa I was holding my face but it didn’t hurt I was just thinking how strange this is how very bloody strange. How strange to of been around so many blokes in my life and some of them real mischievous pieces of work at that and would you believe it the very first person to slap me about is the Lifestyle editor of the
Sunday
effing
Telegraph
. Well I couldn’t help it Osama I just started laughing I mean you’d probably be the same yourself if after everything you’ve been through the first person to get past all your bodyguards and storm into your high mountain cave was wearing maroon stiletto boots and lipstick. I took my hand away from my face and there was blood on it. I suppose I was cut from the rings on Petra’s fingers. I just lay back on the sofa and laughed with the blood dripping off my face and onto my white T-shirt.

—You really are a lunatic aren’t you? said Petra. You think this is funny?

—Listen Petra you’ve said your piece now why don’t you just clear off.

—I am not budging, said Petra. Not until you promise never to have anything to do with Jasper again.

—Petra. Just listen for once will you? Jasper’s the one chasing me. I hide from him. I sneak home and stay here with the lights off and when he comes knocking I keep the door shut.

Petra shook her head and frowned.

—What I don’t understand, she said, is what on earth Jasper sees in you.

She spread her arms out.

—I mean look at this place. This horrendous little place. Is it the squalor he gets off on? Because I could do squalor. Or is it the drudgery? Would he become besotted with me if I gave up one of the best jobs in British media and started doing. I don’t know. Whatever the hell it is you do?

—Tea. I make the tea and I do a bit of filing.

—Super, said Petra. How thrilling for both of you. The conversations you must have.

—Give it a rest will you?

—Or is it simply you? said Petra. Is it your nice little tits and your sad little eyes and your darling Lady Di hair? Because I can do the tits and I can do the eyes and I can do the hair. I can do it all. You think I’m joking? You want to see me do the hair?

Petra ran out of the lounge and into the kitchen. I heard her smashing about in the drawers and when she came back in she was carrying the kitchen scissors. She held them up to her lovely long shiny hair.

—No. Petra. Please. That’s enough now.

Petra started cutting away at her hair thwack thwack thwack. There was gold hair falling all over the carpet and Petra was shouting THERE! THERE! THAT’S HOW HE LIKES IT IS IT? THERE! I couldn’t stop her she was in a rage and I wasn’t going to go near her while she had those scissors. So I just did like they do in the nature films when they get some wild animal going off like that. They just hop up on the roof of the Land Rover and stay up there till it’s safe again. I just went round the back of the sofa and let Petra get on with it and when she was finished she let the scissors fall down on the carpet and she stood there trembling and looking like the things you want to forget about the 1980s. Actually I suppose what I mean Osama is the things we want to forget like Duran Duran and the Thompson Twins not the things you want to forget like the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan. Anyway my point is I was safe round the back of the sofa.