Incendiary (17 page)

I smiled at him and put my hand on his face.

—That’s nice.

He leaned towards me.

—Would you do it? he said. Would you come away with me for a weekend? We’d take the caravan down to the coast. Brighton maybe. Or Worthing. What do you say?

—I’m not sure.

—I’m not sure either, he said. They’ve got better facilities at Worthing but it’s quite dear so maybe Brighton would be a better bet.

—I mean I’m not sure whether we should go at all. What about your wife?

—I don’t think we’d take her, he said. It’s quite a small caravan you see and Tessa comes with rather a lot of baggage. Breeding. Family money. The people who have it aren’t like you and me. They’ll be polite enough to you. But try to get too close and they’ll put back that distance. Try to step inside their circle and they’ll close ranks. Us and them are not the same species. Don’t make the same mistake I made. Don’t ever get involved with the upper classes.

—Shall we have another drink?

Terence Butcher stood up.

—Alright, he said. Stay there. I’ll go.

He took our empties back to the bar and I sat there thinking about Jasper Black and Petra Sutherland. Terence was 100 percent right god help me I never should of got involved but I couldn’t think about that now on account of I was having trouble balancing on my seat and I needed a wee. I got up from our table and I picked up my handbag and walked over to the Ladies. I wasn’t too steady on my pins.

There were 2 cubicles in there and wouldn’t you know it I picked the one with no lock on the door. It’s sod’s law only you probably call it something different down your neck of the woods Osama like THE DIVINE WILL OF THE PROPHET but my point is there were 2 cubicles and I chose the one with no lock on the door and I was so desperate for a wee that I didn’t care so I just pulled my knickers down and sat on the seat and did my wee while I held the toilet door closed with my foot.

I was doing my wee and thinking about what Terence Butcher said. I thought about ruffling his hair in the caravan with the sun coming in very bright through the windows and my boy laughing and doing somersaults on the long grass outside. My boy was giggling. He was ever so happy. He had his yellow wellies on. When he’d had enough of somersaulting we’d go for a walk. Him and me and Terence Butcher. We’d laugh and play 1–2–3 Whoops! and find some puddles for the boy to splash in.

I was so happy. Suddenly I really could see myself with Terence Butcher. I started whispering to my husband don’t worry love I’ll never forget you but you know how it is. You’d of wanted me to find someone wouldn’t you? You wouldn’t of wanted me to drift and blow away all alone like some old carrier bag. I smiled it was like all the emptiness was draining out of me with my wee. I sat there on the toilet for a little while after my wee was finished. I closed my eyes and hugged myself because for the first time in I don’t know how long I wasn’t feeling nervous. I was smiling because just for the moment I didn’t see flames and I didn’t hear screaming. I was smiling because my life wasn’t empty any more it was ready to be filled. There’s a difference you see Osama and that difference is called HOPE.

But when I opened my eyes I stopped smiling straight away because Jasper Black was standing in the door of the cubicle. I pulled my legs together and hugged my arms round my knees so he couldn’t see anything.

—What the hell do you think you’re doing?

—You left the door open, said Jasper Black. I thought you wanted company.

He came into the cubicle and closed the door behind him and leaned back on it. He stood there for the longest time just looking down at me with his 7 haircuts and his stupid grin. He looked a bit unsteady on his pins too. I should think he was more drunk than I was.

—Who were you talking to? he said.

—No one.

—Yeah right, he said.

He took a wrap of paper out of his jacket pocket and unfolded it.

—Cocaine, he said. Want some?

—No. Listen you’d better get out before my boyfriend comes to see why I’m taking so long. He’s a big chap. If he finds you in here with me you’ll be dead meat.

Jasper lifted his powder up to his nose and sniffed it right off the wrap. He stood there watching me. I think I knew what was coming but I didn’t even have time to scream. He moved so fast. He came forward and pushed his hand over my mouth before I could open it. I tried to get up but he sat on me. His weight crushed my bum into the toilet seat and his crutch was pushed against my tummy. It was hard to breathe. I was slapping at his face with my hands and scratching him but it didn’t seem to bother him. He was just laughing. With the hand that wasn’t covering my mouth he started fingering my neck and my tits. The way his hand scratched at my tits it reminded me of this programme I saw on the telly where an armadillo tries to dig into an anthill.

There wasn’t anything I could do. He pinned me down on that toilet seat. I thought he was going to rape me but he didn’t. He moved his face right up to mine and he started kissing me on the cheeks and the eyes and the nose. His breath had that horrible sweet smell that comes in the evening from starting to drink in the afternoon and not stopping. He kept kissing me it went on and on. Like he was putting off what had to come next.

There were cuts on his face from shaving. It looked like he must of been drunk before he even left his place. There was dandruff on his shoulders. The T-shirt he was wearing could of done with a wash. Maybe it was all the G&T but I suddenly felt so sad for me and for him. You’ve got to be pretty far gone before you pull a stunt like he just had. I mean the list of your crimes is pretty long Osama but I don’t think anyone’s accusing you of following girls into the khazi.

This wasn’t like Jasper Black. I looked in his eyes and I could see it now. He wanted to stop but it was out of control. His life was skidding into mine and it was happening in slow motion like a car crash. He shoved one hand down between us and he pushed his thumb up inside me and it hurt because I wasn’t ready and all the emptiness flooded back in with it.

I gave up struggling. There was no point any more and I didn’t want him to hurt me any worse than he had to. It was very quiet then in the cubicle with just the hiss of his sick sweet breath on my face. He stopped kissing me when I stopped fighting. I could tell he was surprised. His eyes went narrow and he stopped pushing so hard with his hand on my mouth. He just held me there for the longest time with his thumb pushed inside me. I could feel the blood pulsing in it very quick.

Tears ran down my cheeks onto his hand. Jasper stared at me in the green glow of the toilet striplights. I watched the flesh scoured off his face by white-hot flying shrapnel and spattered on the wall of the toilet cubicle until all the lonely dykes’ graffiti was drowned and dripping with blood. Jasper’s thumb made small nervous twitches inside me and my guts began to twist. I listened to his breath hiss and a tap drip drip in the washbasin outside. Then I heard the door to the Ladies open and swing closed again. There were 2 footsteps. Then silence. Terence Butcher’s voice came from the other side of the cubicle door.

—Hello? he said. Look I’m sorry about this but you’ve been in there for ages. I just wondered if everything was alright?

Jasper was staring at me. I saw the pupils of his eyes go twice the size and I felt his hand tighten on my mouth. He looked over his shoulder to the cubicle door and then he looked back at me. Both his hands were trembling. I could feel his panic on both sides of my skin.

—Hello? said Terence. Look if you’re poorly it’s alright. Come on out of there. I’ll help you clean up. We’ll go for a coffee somewhere.

Jasper’s eyes went wild. He was looking all around the cubicle for another way out. Maybe one of those small high windows they always have in films. But there wasn’t one.

—Listen, said Terence. Just tell me you’re alright and I’ll wait for you outside. Otherwise I’m going to have to come in.

Jasper made the tiniest sound then. It was the smallest start of a cry. Just a sad little squeak right in the back of his throat. It was the exact same sound my boy used to make the instant after he’d fallen over and banged himself a nasty knock. Just before his face crumpled up with misery and the tears started.

Now you wouldn’t understand this Osama because you’re not a mother. That’s my whole point I suppose. But when I heard that sad little squeak I went on autopilot. I still had my hands free and I moved one of them up to Jasper’s cheek. I stroked his face very gentle. Then I took my other hand and I pulled down on the wrist of the hand he was holding over my mouth. He fought against me for just the tiniest part of a second and then he looked in my eyes and he let his hand fall away from my mouth onto my shoulder. Suddenly he was as good as gold. He was waiting to see what I was going to do. I looked right into his eyes and I felt his thumb trembling inside me. I opened my mouth.

—Terence? I’m alright. Sorry about this. I’ve just had a little bit too much to drink I’ll be right as rain in 2 ticks. I’m a bit embarrassed so go on and have your drink and I’ll be out in a minute.

—Sure? said Terence Butcher.

—Sure.

I stroked Jasper’s hair. Terence Butcher went away then and Jasper breathed out.

—Oh Jesus, he said. Thanks.

He let his forehead drop onto my shoulder he was still shaking. I stroked his hair and I reached down with my other hand and I took his wrist and I pushed his hand down very gently so his thumb came out of me. I pulled his head in closer to my neck and I whispered in his ear.

—There you go. You’re a good boy really. You’ve just been very lonely haven’t you?

Jasper didn’t say anything. His breathing was shallow and fast in my ear and then very slowly it turned into sobs. He didn’t make any fuss he just sobbed very quietly and it didn’t die down for a long time. I sat there just letting him get it all out. You’d think all that sadness inside us would of been deafening but actually it made less noise than the slow drip drip of the tap in the basin outside the cubicle door.

*                  *                  *

When I got back to our table I smiled at Terence Butcher and the drink he’d lined up for me.

—Ah. Gin & Terence. Lovely.

—You sure? he said. I thought you might’ve had enough.

—Yeah well that was 10 minutes ago. This is now.

—Alright, he said. But on your own headache be it.

Terence Butcher stood up and I went up to him and put my arm round his waist. I leaned in to him and put my head against his chest. I closed my eyes and the flames and the shrapnel were gone again. There was just my boy playing on the long grass outside the caravan. I opened my eyes and looked up at Terence Butcher.

—You’re alright Terence Butcher. You know that?

We drank our drinks and I went up to the bar with Terence to get 2 more in but just then the landlord called time. Terence told him to give us a lock in.

—I don’t think so, said the landlord. The police are pretty strict at the moment.

—Listen, said Terence. The police are pretty drunk at the moment. We’ve had a hard week trying to stop you lot getting blown up. If we’re not allowed to get properly drunk now then we won’t let off enough steam. Which means we’ll be all wound up at work next week. Which means we won’t be able to do our jobs properly. Which means every single one of you will die. So I tell you what. I’ll give you a signed order to stay open another 10 minutes for security reasons.

The landlord smiled.

—Very good sir, he said. Always pleased to do my bit for national security.

—Good man, said Terence Butcher.

He wrote the landlord an official order in biro on the back of a beer mat and the landlord gave us 2 free drinks.

We rolled out of the Approach about half 11 and it was chaos out there. Everyone was trying to get home before curfew. There was a line of choppers flying low over Approach Road heading into town. They battered away into the darkness making a noise like death and nobody wanted reminding about dying so everyone was out the front of the pub giving them the finger. The choppers made a dirty twisting wind that raised up all the rubbish from the side streets. It was going everywhere. All the Burger King wrappers and the fag butts and the used condoms were blowing against the car windscreens like a poorly blizzard.

We were lucky to get a black cab. Terence flagged one down and told the cabbie Barnet Grove and when the cabbie said no Terence showed him his police ID and asked if he wanted to keep his licence. So we got in and Terence slammed the cab door. The helicopters and the rubbish were left outside and it was all quiet apart from the cabbie effing and blinding to himself about weren’t we just his typical bloody luck.

—Thank Christ for that, said Terence.

He slid back into the seat. He was sitting closer than he needed to. His leg was touching mine. I felt his weight pressing against me when we turned right onto Old Ford Road.

—God I feel better for that, he said. You were right you know. A night out was just what the doctor ordered.

I just looked out the window. I didn’t feel like answering. I must of had 8 G&Ts inside me. It felt like I wasn’t going anywhere but London was racing past me. Actually it looked like London was trying to get to the khazi before it puked. It was one of those nights you get sometimes in London where every last bastard is drunk. It was one of those nights where City toffs in Hackett shirts jump out in front of your cab waving their hands and shouting TARXI! TARXI! so the cabbie has to swerve round them and shout can’t you see I’m taken you silly little cunt excuse my French. It was one of those nights where the day can’t come soon enough.

Terence Butcher put his hand on my knee. My tights were ripped and I felt his skin on my skin. I looked at him and I smiled.

—Not here Terence. There’ll be time for all that.

I turned and looked out of the window. We’d just turned down Cambridge Heath Road and the traffic was all jammed up. People were running to catch the last buses and there were coppers with megaphones bawling at them to get a move on.