Incensed (9 page)

“Haw haw,” he laughed in a decidedly American way. “You fell for Bob's fake accent. Thought we were British, right?”

“I did,” I said. “You got me.”

“We don't want the wrong people to know we're Americans!”

Bob came up and rubbed his pink sea-anemone mouth. “We can tell you're not the wrong sort of people. Did I really fool you?”

I nodded and smiled. If I played along, they'd buy more. “Yes, I fell for it completely. It was perfect.”

The other two guys gathered around. They looked like retired cops—walking around with guarded casualness. A surprisingly high number of American tourists are ex-police. I guess the word was out among them that Taipei was a great vacation place that was seemingly crime-free. What they don't know won't hurt them.

“Wait a second, hold on now,” said Bob. “Are you an American? Your English is just a little too good.”

I crossed my arms and smiled. “I went to college in the States,” I said, not mentioning that I never finished. “You're Bob, right? Please call me Johnny.” I shook hands with him. He had to buy something from me now. You can't not buy something from someone whose name you know. I made sure to introduce myself to each of them.

“What have we got here?” the ex-cop named Jeff said to himself as he cast a critical eye upon my award-winning skewers. “How about that one? What the heck is it?”

“You don't want that one,” I said. “I think you better go with something safer. It's too Taiwanese for you.” That would challenge their manhoods.

“Jeff is tougher than he looks,” said Bob. “This man's seen murder victims.”

I raised an eyebrow and threw out a challenge. “Well, Jeff, do you think you can handle pig uterus? If that's too much for you, the chicken uterus is just to the left.”

Jeff sucked in his lips and opened his eyes wide. “I'm not even sure what the uterus does,” he said with a nervous smile. “How about, you know, a straight-up beef or chicken thing?”

I reached over the counter and touched his shoulder. “I've got you covered, Jeff. We've got satay-style chicken and beef.” I called out in Taiwanese for Mei-ling to bring over the goods from the main grill in the back that was manned by Dwayne.

All four men immediately evaluated Mei-ling's teenage cleavage as she transferred a tray of skewers to the front grill.

“I didn't know,” said Bob, “that Taiwanese women were so alluring.”

I shrugged. “I don't think of her like that,” I said. “For one thing, she's my cousin, and she's sixteen.” Three of the men shoved their hands in their shorts pockets while Jeff let out a low whistle. I didn't know what the age of consent was in the US but it sure wasn't sixteen, which was Taiwan's. “Say hello to the customers, Mei-ling,” I said in English.

“Hello,” she said. Like most Taiwanese, she sounded nice and innocent when she spoke English. I pointed out the intestine skewers to the men.

“Mei-ling made these herself. It's only her first day but I think she did a pretty good job. Should I add these to your order?”

“Oh, yeah, we want to support Mei-ling,” said Bob.

“Sure thing,” said Jeff. I loaded them up with skewers and even threw in a small bag of sausages. Mei-ling thanked each of the men. They looked at her wistfully as they left.

“I should have told them I was a singer,” Mei-ling said. “They would have bought my songs!”

“They wouldn't get your kind of music,” I said.

She pouted. “They would've bought it just because I'm cute. I could tell.”

I couldn't argue with her. They had gone for her hideously asymmetrical (by my standards) skewers, which I'm sure they wouldn't have the guts to eat. They would eat the sausages, at least—they had a familiar form factor.

Some Australian women came by and were also charmed with Mei-ling. “Cute as a button,” they called her, which I thought was odd since all the buttons I had ever seen were rather utilitarian and plain.

I should have hired a girl sooner. Maybe Dwayne and Frankie and I hadn't been able to squeeze all the New Taiwan dollars that Unknown Pleasures was capable of yielding. I could crunch the numbers and see if it was cost-effective to keep her for a month or so. I'd have to pay her, after all.

Maybe I could even get a karaoke system and let her sing her songs a little bit.

No, scratch that. She would drive people away.

As the hours went by I could tell we were picking up substantially more cash than the typical night. Mei-ling seemed to enjoy learning the ropes, how to read people and draw them in. Too bad her English wasn't so great. I think part of the problem is that the English language is overt and specific in a way that Taiwanese find offensive. The Taiwanese language, like Mandarin, is by comparison vague and indirect. Speaking it in a familiar way with a stranger gives you an assholic quality.

“
Ma de
, this is the place!”

The foul mouth belonged to a short and enthusiastic high school student, his shirt untucked. He had brought a dozen boys and girls to Unknown Pleasures. I smiled. It was always a short kid who led the packs. Why?

“Hey guys, welcome to my venerable stand!” I called out.

The little leader nearly fell over. “You! You're the guy who got shot!”

“If you all buy something, I'll show you the bullet wound.”

“You didn't actually get shot, Jing-nan!” yelled Mei-ling.

“Who said I did?” I lifted Fatty from its shelf and hefted the pot over my head. “This is the brave little soldier who took a bullet for me! When you're all done eating, take a picture with Fatty!”

The kids lit up and lined up. I caught Mei-ling's exaggerated look of disgust at my sales technique. Maybe she didn't have it in her to do this.

Chapter Six

An opportune time came
for my bathroom break. I posted Mei-ling in the front; Dwayne and Frankie said they'd keep a lookout.

A few young women were waiting to get into our restroom. It's our private restroom, yes, but a group of attractive women attracts both men and women. For such an attraction I was willing to self-sacrifice and trudge all the way to the common restroom halfway across the night market.

The bathrooms in the pavilion were poorly marked, sparing many souls from their horrors. They were cleaner since the Singaporean tourists sued the tourist bureau but still not up to Taipei's usual standards. Some people blame the foreign tourists but I suspect the cleaning company just plain sucks. I checked myself in an unsplattered quadrant of the mirror and flashed my warmest smile. That was a face that could sell two hundred skewers an hour.

I left the bathroom and almost immediately a hand crashed into my left shoulder.

“Jing-nan!” It was the new captain of the local precinct, the one just outside the northern border of the night market. He had the squat head of a panda and the same baggy eyes. But his face was unfriendly and his voice downright mean.

“Hello, Captain Huang,” I said. He was about my height but his shoulders were half a foot wider. Those shoulders pressed in on me as we walked, threatening to smear me across the front fenders of a row of parked mopeds.

My fame from the shooting incident came with not a small amount of embarrassment for the cops. Loose policing was blamed by the media for the attempt on my life and the assailant's clean getaway. The old captain resigned shortly thereafter. Captain Huang was appointed last week and had paid me a personal visit at Unknown Pleasures. It was a courtesy call minus the courtesy and he wouldn't even accept a free skewer. If a cop won't take free food, then something is seriously wrong.

“That girl you got at your shitty booth,” he started. “She's quite a looker.” An evil gleam came over his sad eyes.

“She's my cousin,” I said.

“Oh, I know. She's Big Eye's big girl, isn't she?” He examined my surprise and added, “Didn't know I knew about your uncle and his buddies, huh?”

“Say, Captain Huang, would you mind not walking so close to me? I bruise easily.”

He grabbed my left arm and braced it at the elbow in a way that was just painful enough. We walked two more paces and I could feel where his grip was loose. If I cranked my arm clockwise half a turn, I could free my arm. If I went the full turn I could grab his wrist, pull his arm behind his back and have him on his knees.

The things I've learned from wrestling with Dwayne during the lulls.

I decided to allow Captain Huang to continue believing he had me restrained. For one thing it would be bad to antagonize a cop, much less a captain. After all, the local precinct already had it in for me for making them look bad. For another thing, the captain would never forgive a public humiliation and he'd find a way to shut down Unknown Pleasures. My good business sense prevailed but my impulses couldn't be restrained entirely. I made some token gestures to free my arm.

Captian Huang responded by tightening his grip, a crucial strategic mistake, by the way. “Stay with me, Jing-nan,” he growled.

In exasperation, I turned to him. “Why are you treating me like a criminal?”

He couldn't suppress a laugh. “You are a criminal! You and your whole crooked family! Just wait. I'm going to get enough on you to shut down your rinky-dink cover operation and put the whole Chen clan in jail.”

I stopped walking, bringing the both of us to a halt. “I'm sorry that you personally didn't have a chance to play hero to save me and that your predecessor ended up getting sacked because he didn't, either.”

“You're not sorry. You're not innocent, either! Everyone running a stand here has something in their past. You're nothing but a bunch of carnival barkers.”

I looked at him hard. “I've never done anything wrong.”

The captain pushed back his hat, revealing a forehead scarred with acne. He must have had it rough in high school. “What about Big Eye? How innocent is he?” The captain finally let go of my arm to poke a thumb into my left breast, centimeters away from the nipple. “Did you know that a couple years back this farmer plowing his field outside Taichung accidentally dug up two charred bodies?”

“It was all over the news.”

“Why did Big Eye kill those guys?”

“Was it Big Eye? I thought the case was still unsolved.” I felt smug because I was sure that my uncle, as bad as he was, hadn't killed anybody. Big Eye didn't have it in him. At heart, the guy was a comedian. Big Eye's pal Gao was a hell of shot, but I was sure my uncle only used him for protection. Cops don't go around murdering people.

Captain Huang twisted his hand and pointed at my nose. “I know all about you people. You went down to Taichung for that big summit meeting with Big Eye and Wood Duck and some other
jiaotou
s. Think I don't know about that, either, huh? You think I don't know about all the properties in Taipei that Big Eye owns? You think I don't know that his daughter is living in one of them?”

One talent I have learned in all the self-promotion that I do is to realize when it's useless to talk to somebody. They've already made their mind up and they won't consider anything I say. I usually leave them and fish elsewhere. In this case, I didn't want to have the captain tag along all the way to Unknown Pleasures. Dwayne would punch him in the face and end up in jail.

Dwayne is a fighter. In all my roughhousing with him, I've learned that simply doing nothing usually confounds an opponent. I relaxed my arms at my sides and stared directly at Captain Huang, keeping my face blank. At first he had both hands up like a praying mantis, ready to counter any sudden move from me. The captain was baffled when none came. His eyes narrowed and his mouth twisted into a bait worm waiting to be cut up and hooked.

“Think you're funny or something?” he asked. “Just wait. Everybody thinks you're some big hero. I know the real story.” He straightened up, turned sideways, and disappeared into the crowd.

When I got back
to Unknown Pleasures I saw Mei-ling sitting in a corner seat, turned to the wall, while Dwayne handled the orders.

I sat next to my cousin as she brought up a wad of tissues and dabbed her eyes.

“What happened?” I asked.

She hid her hands under the table. “Some policemen came by and said I wasn't permitted to work here and you could lose your license.”

“Aw, shit,” I said out loud.

Her shoulders slumped to her knees. “I'm sorry, Jing-nan. I think I got you in trouble.”

“You didn't do anything wrong. Those people are out to get me and you just got in the way.” I patted her hand. “Well, maybe now would be a good time for you to walk through the night market. Have some fun. Motherfuck these guys.”

She smiled. “Wow, I didn't know my cousin cursed like a truck driver!”

“Your dad was the one who taught me. You should have been there to hear the things he said in front of me when I was a kid.” I smiled and reached into my wallet. I forced a NT$1,000 note onto her. About thirty American dollars. You could feed a family of four for two days with that. “Get a nice dress or something. The clothes stalls all have unique things. Call me if someone tries to overcharge you.”

Young people recover quickly, especially when they have money. We didn't see her for a few hours. When she came back she had two boys in tow, skinny shirkers wearing glasses. They looked smart but I pegged them as destined for dead-end office jobs.

“Who are your friends, Mei-ling?” I asked.

The slightly taller boy spoke up first. “She said her name was Shu-hui!” He turned to his companion. “Told ya she was lying!”

“I'm sorry, boys,” Mei-ling said. “But a woman has to protect herself. You could be ruffians for all I really know.” She smiled sweetly.

“Are you going to be here tomorrow night?” asked the shorter boy. His hopeful, plum-tomato face showed signs he was preparing himself for disappointment.

“Probably not,” she said. “But please drop by my artist page and stay in touch.” She handed business cards to both of them and I saw their eyes pop open.

“Can I get one of those, too?” I asked Mei-ling.

“I don't have many left,” she said quickly. I reached over and grabbed the wrist of the smaller kid and turned it.

The card featured a full-color picture of a naked Mei-ling stretched across a couch, her legs strategically posed and the index fingers of each hand covering her nipples.

I grabbed the cards back from the boys.

“Time for you to go!” I declared.

The taller boy frowned. “Too late! I already memorized the web address!”

I took a step toward him and both of them scrammed. “Mei-ling, are you trying to break into the porn industry?”

She jutted out her bottom jaw and bent her neck like a vulture. “I am not naked! I'm still covered up!”

“Is that picture from the session that Whistle paid for? No wonder you won that online contest!”

Foiled and found out, Mei-ling now bared her front teeth like a rat making a last stand. “Hold that pose,” I said, snapping a picture of her with my camera. “I'm going to upload this so people can see what you really look like.”

“Why are you trying to ruin my career?”

I dangled the card in front of her. “What does this have to do with singing? You're just trying to sell skin!”

“If that's what it takes, I'll do it.” She screwed her face hard.

“Yeah? What would Big Eye say if he saw this picture?”

She blinked. “No, don't. Please. Whistle will be in a lot of trouble.”

I sure didn't want to ensnare that guy in this bullshit. He was already preyed upon by Mei-ling. “Look. You've seen enough action for tonight. It's almost ten o'clock and it's time for you to go home.”

“It's still early,” she said. “Whistle and Gao would let me stay out later!”

“The difference between them and me is I don't work for you.”

Dwayne and Frankie took
over the stand. If my presence weren't so key for roping in the tourists, I would leave early every night.

Mei-ling and I walked south and entered the Jiantian station. “Mei-ling, how much do you have left on your EasyCard?”

She looked at me apologetically. “I don't have one. I bought a single-journey ticket to come here. Was that wrong?”

“It's cheaper to use a card. Please tell me you still have a valid student ID. We can get a student EasyCard.”

Mei-ling twisted the clasp to her bag and it puckered open. “I have it somewhere. They wanted me to come back to school so they could confiscate it, but I never did.” She cackled.

“You sound like Big Eye when you do that.”

She produced her ID and held it over her head in victory. “Of course I do. He taught me the value in being smug.”

The woman at the booth solemnly issued Mei-ling a SmartCard and reminded her she wasn't supposed to let anyone else use it. The pass was a handy thing. Not only did it work in the metros and the buses, it could also be used to pay for things at 7-11 and Friendly Mart.

I broke out my wallet and added more money to her card at a machine. “Now you're a real Taipei person,” I told her as I handed the card to her. “Don't embarrass us.”

The train came quickly and was mostly empty. I took a seat but Mei-ling continued to stand, mesmerized by the video ads. We shot south over the Keelung River and I watched her steady herself by grabbing a strap by the plastic handle. Mei-ling might be all right in Taipei, I thought. Her arms were spider-leg skinny. She needed to eat more. Everybody needed to eat more, especially at my night-market stand.

I watched Mei-ling sway with Taipei's city lights blinking by in the background. I had to admit that she did look like a singing star. Too-skinny actually worked for her, and her skin glowed. As the train plunged underground, Mei-ling dropped into the seat next to me. She'd already seen every commercial twice.

“You need something to read for the train,” I said.

“I have a book on my phone, but I think it's rude to read since I'm with you.”

“You're so polite.”

“I don't need a chaperone, you know. Taipei isn't that dangerous.”

“I'm trying to protect Taipei from you!”

She stepped on my foot. “What are we going to do tomorrow?”

“How about we go to the National Palace Museum?”

She wrinkled her nose. “Sounds like a school trip.”

“It's an interesting place. I never wanted to go when I was young but once I was there, I didn't want to leave.” She didn't look convinced. “It's a lot more than just the jades that look like fatty pork and cabbage.”

She laughed at the mention of the museum's most famous pieces. “I can't remember the last time I was at a museum,” she said. “The last few times they wouldn't let me go on field trips because I was a discipline problem.”

“For both our sakes, be good while you're here. You and your dad have issues, but you and I have a clean slate. Let's keep it that way. Promise not to hand out any more of those cards while you're here.”

She clasped her hands together and smiled sweetly. “Anything you say, big cousin, because you know best!” I smiled because it was funny and I could tell that she was still going to do whatever the hell she wanted to.

At the Da'an Park station we stepped out of the air-conditioned car and the cool humidity of the night closed over us like a hood. I noticed Mei-ling shivering.

“I hope you packed a jacket,” I told her.

“I have a few,” she said, rubbing her bare arms.

“You don't have enough fat. That's why you can't take the cold.”