Indigo Road (10 page)

Placing my hands on his chest, I pushed him
gently, separating us.

I took a step back, not knowing what to say,
but when Johnno advanced toward me—obviously wanting to kiss me
again—I stopped him.

“
No. I can’t
do this. I’m not…” I’m not what? Gay? I just had my tongue down a
strange man’s throat and I didn’t hate it. Quite the
opposite
; the guy could kiss. But it
wasn’t right, he wasn’t the man I wanted.

“
Man
.” Johnno
laughed
like it wasn’t a big
deal. He must have recognized the look on my face as he pinpointed
my thoughts. “You can’t tell me you’re not
gay,
or at least bi. You were
into it as much as I was. I saw the way you were checking me out
when I came out of the water.” Johnno laughed again and then
smiled. It seemed so easy for him.

“
No, I mean.
I was into it, but I’m not sure…
I
don’t…
Oh
fuck.”

“Are you straight?” Johnno asked, his smile
gone.

“
I don’t know
what I am. That was
sort of my first…
kiss with another guy.” God this was embarrassing. I looked at my
feet in the sand.

Johnno half
sighed, half laughed before slapping me on the back. “Man, don’t
sweat
it. You’ll figure it out in time. I
came out when I was twenty-two, but a friend of mine didn’t realize
he was gay until his thirties. Don’t rush this, man. It’s a process
all gay guys go through at some point. Your mind will tell you when
it’s right and when it’s not.
I’m
guessing
your mind just told you it
wasn’t?”

“
Yes and
no
. It felt right. Just… not with you.”
My word choice wasn’t the best and I didn’t want to see the
rejection I was sure was in his eyes. Johnno laughed again and
pulled me into a sideways hug, no trace of rejection in his
gaze.

“
You’re
cool
, man, no probs. Sometimes it’s
right, and well, sometimes it ain’t.”

Relief
washed
over
me
like warm water.

“Thank you,” I told him.

“What for?”

“
For making
me realize who
is
right.”

Johnno’s smile was wide. He picked up his
board and we walked back to the dunes together.

“
So where are
you headed next?” he asked casually
.

“California. We want to be in San Diego by
Christmas.”

“
Cool, I’m
headed south too, but not for a bit yet. Surf here is pumpin’. I’ll
head to California
later on. Hey, I heard
you can surf under the Golden Gate Bridge, is that true? It’d be
such a trip.”

“
Uh, I don’t
know. Country boy
, remember?” I poked
myself in the chest.

“
Yeah, that’s
right. Hey
, is this you? Cool ride.” I
hadn’t
noticed,
but we had walked to the parking lot. Alex was sitting at
the table eating breakfast, and when he looked up and saw us, he
scowled. Probably didn’t get much sleep with the sound of the waves
last night.

“Come and meet Alex, he’s…” I trailed off,
not sure what to call him anymore.

“Right?” Johnno lifted an eyebrow, his tone
knowing.

“
Yeah.
Right
,” I
said, smiling. Alex was so right my chest lightened and I had an
urge to run to him and tell him everything I felt.

“
Alex, this
is Johnno. He’s on a
surfing vacation
from Australia,” I said when we approached the van.

“G’day, I’m Dave. Josh told me a lot about
you.”

“I thought you said your name was Johnno?” I
asked him, confused.

“
It is. Dave
Johnson. It’s either Davo or Johnno.
” He
shrugged. “I’ll answer to both.”

“Not Davey or Johnny?”

He winced.
“
Never
Davey or Johnny.”

“You Aussies are weird.”

“
We could
argue about that all day and not come to an
agreement
.” Johnno laughed. His smile was
wide, but it faded when Alex glared at him and grunted.

“
Uh, right
then. I’ll be off. Josh
, it was great to
meet you. I hope you get what’s
right
.” Johnno squeezed my
shoulder before sauntering off back down the dunes, board under his
arm, his wetsuit flapping at his legs. He looked back once, his
gaze flitting between myself and Alex, and he smiled
sadly.

Alex stood
abruptly, knocking the chair over, a mixture of anger and
disappoint
ment etched on his features. He
balled his fists, his knuckles white.

“I’m going for a walk.” He turned on his heel
and headed down the beach in the opposite direction to Johnno.

I STOOD
dumbstruck for
a minute, wanting to run after Alex and find out what was wrong,
but I sensed this was one of those times he needed to be by
himself. I looked toward where Johnno had headed and saw him
standing on a dune, waving his arms frantically, telling me to
chase after Alex.
Go,
go!

Should I? It took me a split second to
decide.

I packed up
the back of Maude as quick as
lightning,
locked the doors, and took off down the dunes. I looked back and
Johnno waved before giving me a double thumbs-up, a wide grin on
his tanned face.

“
Alex, wait.
Alex!” Alex kept walking, his
six-foot-plus frame eating up the sand with long, angry
strides. I had to jog to catch up. I finally reached him, but he
kept walking, ignoring my presence.

I reached for
his arm, but he shook me off. “For God’s sake,
stop,
will you?”

“Go away, Josh. Run back to Johnno or Davo or
whatever his name is.” Alex spat.

“
For God’s
sake, what have I done?” I was still jogging beside him, but he
didn’t answer. “I can’t fix it if I don’t know what the problem is.
What did I do?” I was pleading now
; it
wasn’t like him to get this upset.

Alex took a
deep breath. “You kissed him. You fucking kissed him!” I
didn’t know how it was
possible,
but Alex’s strides
became longer.

“Just stop, will you. I can’t talk and run at
the same time.” Alex stopped abruptly, his shoulders heaving. “You
saw that?” I asked, keeping my voice level once we’d come to a
halt.

“
Yes
, I saw it. How could
you?”

“
What? You’re
mad at me because I kissed a guy? Because I’m gay?” It didn’t make
any sense. His cousin was gay and Alex
was the most tolerant person I knew.

“You’re not gay, Josh.” Alex’s temper flared.
“I’d know if you were.”

“I don’t know what I am, to be honest. But
regardless, why are you so pissed because I kissed a guy?”

Alex threw
his hands up and took a couple of steps away before turning
around
, hurt and sadness etching his
features. A tear trickled down his cheek and his shoulders heaved
with the effort of trying to keep them at bay. “Because you should
have kissed
me
.”

All the air
left my lungs in a great
whoosh.

There was a
silence I
’d never known before. We were
standing at the edge of the Pacific Ocean—great waves crashing to
the shore, gulls screeching overhead—and I didn’t hear anything
except the blood rushing through my ears.

We stood there staring at each other for a
long minute before Alex turned and walked away.

“
I’m sorry.”
His voice was
a whisper, so soft I barely
heard it.

It took me another long second to move my
feet and chase after him, again.

“
You were,” I
called out. “You
were
my first kiss.” I caught up
with
him and grabbed his arm,
spinning him toward me. “You were,” I repeated, my voice
softer.

I
gripped his biceps, feeling the muscles under
his thin T-shirt.

“
I was sick.
I was out of it, but I remember fingers running through my hair and
soft lips on my forehead. I remember those same
lips brushing gently
over
mine.” Alex’s eyes swam. “I wanted more, but you
pulled away and I was too sick to ask you to do it
again.”

I didn’t
mention that one time during college as I truly thought he didn’t
remember it.
I loosened my grip on his
arms and pushed my hands
into
the sleeves of his shirt, caressing his warm
skin. Our
eyes
locked.

“
Johnno
kissed me
. I didn’t instigate
it
but I didn’t push
him away either, at least not to begin with. And…” I hurried on,
needing to tell him everything. “And I’m glad he did. I’m glad he
kissed me. He made me realize that kissing a guy wasn’t as weird as
I thought it would be. It was right, but wrong at the same time.
Kissing a guy was right, but not him.
He
wasn’t right.”

I searched
Alex’s eyes, hoping he understood. He looked drained, emotionally
wrung out
, but there was a tiny spark of
hope in his gaze. I stepped closer, bringing our bodies in line
until I could feel his warmth seep into my bones. I stood on tiptoe
and leaned forward slightly, our mouths just an inch apart. Alex’s
lips parted on a
breath,
but he didn’t close the gap. If I wanted to kiss
him, I had to make the effort. He wasn’t going to meet me
halfway.

Closing my
eyes, I brushed my lips gently over his. They were softer than I
remembered from my
fever-induced
haze
but just as
sweet. Our mouths moved together hesitantly, testing. Did Alex
still want this? Did he want me to kiss him after I’d just kissed
Johnno? God help me if he didn’t, because
this
was right. Alex’s mouth
on mine, my hands on his skin, was right.

I removed my
hands from his shirt, intending
to break
apart so I could see his reaction, but just as I was about to move,
Alex brought his arms around me, holding me prisoner. He tilted his
head and deepened the kiss. I had no choice but to open for him as
he explored my mouth, and I melted against him, my hands circling
his waist. Our lips and
tongues
tangled together as we discovered a side of each
other we’d never known before. Alex kissed with a passion I hadn’t
suspected he possessed. This kiss wasn’t at all like the one I
shared with the strange Australian. This kiss was filled with
possibilities, with plans for the future, and it lasted for what
seemed like an eternity.

This kiss was right.

The need for oxygen was the only reason we
broke apart, albeit reluctantly. Alex rested his forehead against
mine as we caught our breath and it mingled in the small space
between us.

In the
distance
I could hear
hollering, and I looked toward the dunes, wondering what it was.
Johnno was standing on the top of a dune, cheering. I waved,
wrapping my other arm around Alex and resting my head against his
shoulder.

Johnno gave
us a final cheer and a wave before jumping down the other side of
the
sand, disappearing.

“
I should
thank him, you think?
” Alex asked,
nodding in the direction that Johnno had stood.

“I would’ve kissed you eventually, but yeah,
he just made me do it sooner.”

WE WERE taking things slowly.

Really slowly.

Like glacial.

In the
past
week,
we
hadn’t done anything except kiss hesitantly and hold hands while
falling asleep. On the odd
occasion,
we would entwine our
pinky fingers while walking down a street or waiting for the
laundry.

Alex would
give me a quick peck on the lips in the morning before climbing out
of Maude and heading to the pee tree—or
showers, depending on where we were staying—and that would
be the end of the affection for the day until we said goodnight.
That’s when he would really kiss me, our tongues tangling, enjoying
the taste and feel of each other, but it would never last long
enough. Just when I thought he was about to take it one step
further, he’d break away, hold my hand, and say
goodnight.

It was beyond frustrating.

If I thought I’d had blue balls previously,
it had nothing on this.

I wanted to
touch him, feel him. Have him feel and touch me in return. I’d
never lusted after a man before, but holy hell, did I want Alex.
But it seemed he was reluctant to try anything else. Did he still
want to kiss me, or was he doing it
only
because he felt he had to since he kissed me that day on the beach?
Was he kissing me because he knew I wanted him to? Not knowing was
doing my head in but I was too scared to ask in case it all
stopped.