Infinite (Strange and Beautiful, Book 1) (73 page)

Congratulations
were given all around, and Mom thought we should celebrate a successful show.
Dad seemed uncertain—probably thinking of how much money he’d have to shell
out—until Mom suggested she and Dad go by the store for ice cream and everyone
came back to the house to celebrate.

I
turned to ask Jackson if he could come, but I didn’t see him anywhere. I looked
around for a few minutes, and even asked a few of the others if they’d seen
him. No one knew where he was, so I ventured outside to see if he’d come out
with the crowd. When I couldn’t find his car anywhere in the lot, I realized he
must have left.

I
couldn’t believe he’d gone without telling me, but I sighed, shaking my head,
and went back inside. Apparently, he was still pissed and pouting; I wasn’t
looking forward to fixing this mess.

Saturday,
March 31
^st
, 2007

Frozen
with fear

My
heart aches.

The ice
in his eyes

Leaves
me paralyzed.

Vanished,
gone,

Out of
my sight;

He
slipped away

Like a
thief in the night

Panic
blisters from

Questions
unanswered;

The
wound splits, broken,

Seeping
from fragile skin.

When
Jackson left the community center without so much as a word, Tegan and I rode
back to my house with Mark. I barely even noticed Mark’s jarring driving. My
mind was too preoccupied. Somewhere in the back of my mind I was grateful that
my first fight with Jackson wasn’t over something as ridiculous as cottage
cheese, but I realized that might’ve been easier; at least in that case words
were exchanged.

Back
at home, everyone kept asking about Jackson. I wasn’t entirely sure how to
explain. I couldn’t tell them we’d had a fight because, technically, we hadn’t
fought. In the end, I told them he had to get back home because he had to work
the next morning. Only Mark and Tegan knew this was a fib, but it wasn’t a
wholehearted lie; Jackson did have to work. Only I knew that really wasn’t why
he’d taken off.

Normally,
Jackson would call during his lunch break when he had to work during the
weekends. Sometimes we’d make plans for later; other times he’d apologize over
and over again as he informed me he’d promised his evening to Jordan or one of
his other friends.

When
I didn’t hear from Jackson the next day, around the usual time he took a break,
I decided to call him. It rang a few times before going to voicemail. Since I
knew Jackson always answered his cell phone—unless he didn’t recognize the
number or didn’t want to speak to whoever was calling—I became certain I was
being given the silent treatment, which, in my eyes, was akin to a fight.

As
much as it bothered me, I found I couldn’t blame Jackson entirely for not
wanting to talk to me. I’d been snippy with him, and looking at his actions in
retrospect, he really hadn’t done anything so terrible. If my parents hadn’t
been just a few seats away, my reaction might not have been so extreme. I
probably still would have felt uncomfortable with the PDA, but, aside from a
few boob gropes since Valentine’s Day, Jackson had never acted that way before;
I wasn’t at all used to that kind of behavior.

When
I confided in Tegan, explaining what exactly had happened, she grimaced. “I
don’t know what to say, Sil.”

I
really hadn’t expected her to since her experience with the opposite sex was
about the same as mine. She and Mark were only just at the kissing stage of
their newfound relationship.

“I
don’t think we’ll go much further anytime soon,” she’d confessed when we spoke
about it. “At least not until there’s some sort of commitment.”

I
didn’t bother to point out that I was certain Mark was wholeheartedly committed
to her. I wasn’t sure Tegan was ready to hear that. Sometimes she still seemed
confounded that she and Mark were even dating at all. 

With
no insight from Tegan on Jackson’s sudden spur of grabby behavior, I was left
to me own devices to sort it out. I tried to think around it, but the most
obvious answer was Jackson was a horny, teenage guy. If so, it only made sense
he’d be all over me since I was his girlfriend. Still, that didn’t sit well
with me; I wasn’t sure I was ready for much more than letting him put his hand
up my shirt.

I
hadn’t thought of it much since our first date when we discussed it, but I
couldn’t ignore the fact that Jackson was more experienced than me. From the
way Stevie and Skylar talked, not having sex for an extended amount of time was
akin to drug withdrawal, so the discovery that he might want something more
wasn’t so surprising.

 I
cared about Jackson. A lot. It might have even been love. I couldn’t say for
sure. Too many adults were quick to say, “You’re too young to know what love
is.” I wasn’t about to run off and proclaim any deep feelings of adoration
prematurely. Still, despite my feelings for Jackson, I wasn’t sure I was ready
to have sex with him.

Even
though we’d been together for a little over three months, which was longer than
most people waited to have sex these days, it just felt too soon. Sex was a big
deal, and I wasn’t about to take that step simply because everyone else was
doing it.

I
spent most of Saturday driving myself crazy trying to sort it all out. As much
as it pained me to do so, I finally decided I needed advice from someone with
experience. With that in mind, I went to find Skylar since she seemed the least
likely to freak out. Mom and I might’ve been bonding more as of late, but I had
no intentions of bringing her into this discussion. Luke was also out of the question.
He was likely to do something drastic and see to it that Jackson and I never
consummated our relationship.

I
found Skylar in her room. She was changing into her work clothes without any
thought for closing the door before doing so. I wasn’t sure why it was my luck
to walk past her room while she was underdressed, but it always seemed to work
out that way.

I
rolled my eyes at the sight of her prancing about in her work shirt and undies.
“Hey,” I greeted as I stepped into the room.

“Hey,”
she said, distracted as she looked around the room. I walked over and sat on
her bed. “I’m going to be late for work,” she muttered. I couldn’t be sure if
she was speaking more to me or to herself.

“Sky,
can I ask you something?”

“Make
it quick.” She still wasn’t paying much attention to me. “And where the hell
are my work pants?”

I
glanced around, but I didn’t see her pants anywhere. Her room wasn’t nearly as
messy as mine, but it wasn’t the most organized either. She had a lot of
painting and drawing supplies scattered about while clothes were left in
various piles around the room.

“I
don’t know,” I shrugged. “I don’t see them.” I bit my lip, wondering if this
was the best time to talk to Skylar. Still, I knew if I didn’t do it now, I
might lose my nerve later. I took a deep breath before asking, “Skylar, how did
you know you were ready to have sex?”

That
stopped her dead in her tracks and she turned to face me. “Why are you asking
that?”

“Just
curious,” I shrugged.

She
eyed me suspiciously, as if she didn’t believe me, but she didn’t call me out
on the lie. After a moment, she shrugged. “I don’t know. I just knew.” She
shrugged again. “It seemed right, like I was ready, and it just happened, you
know?”

No,
I didn’t know, but I nodded anyway. It wasn’t exactly the most profound advice,
but I should have known to expect as much from Skylar. Despite the fact she
hadn’t been a total wench over the last few months, she was still Skylar, which
meant she still suffered from bouts of self-absorbed bitchiness. Sighing, I stood
to leave as Skylar’s eyes lip up.

“There
they are!” I watched, amused, as she rushed over to the bed and picked up the
khaki pants she was required to wear to work. “You were sitting on them!” She
glared at me.

I
rolled my eyes and shrugged as I headed back to my room.

Talking
to Skylar seemed pretty useless. “Just knowing” seemed like such a copout. I
wanted to know
how
she knew, but Skylar didn’t seem inclined to share. I
was right back at square one, feeling frustrated and flustered.

If
only I knew what to do. I was sure I hadn’t handled things well with Jackson.
I’d never actually voiced my aversion to PDA. It was unfair of me to assume
that he just knew. Also, I wasn’t exactly a prude when we were in private. I
hated to think I’d been giving him mixed ideas.

Still,
I hated not talking to Jackson. It reminded me too much of those months earlier
when we’d gotten our signals crossed. I’d thought we were past that, but I
remembered how Jackson had walked away when I confronted him about the situation
with Skylar. Maybe that was just the way he handled things. I couldn’t be sure,
but I knew I didn’t like it. I wanted to get things sorted out and back to
normal, but I wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Tegan
and Mark had a date; otherwise, I’d have invited Tegan over to hang out. Not
that I was the best company. I distracted myself through the evening by
watching Lifetime movies. I indulged in chips and chocolate for dinner since
Mom wasn’t around to ask what was wrong or reprimand me for substituting junk
food for an actual meal because she and Dad went out to dinner with friends.

When
I ran out of things to watch, I headed up to my room, deciding to go to bed
early. With Mom and Dad out, Skylar at work and Luke with friends, the house
was shockingly quiet. It was reminiscent of those first days after Mom went
back to work. Bizarre as it was, it felt too quiet, and I couldn’t find sleep
when I closed my eyes.

I
considered turning on the light and reading for a while, but I stared into the
darkness instead. The light switch was by the door, and the book I was
currently reading was sitting on my desk. Turning on the light and getting my
book would take far too much energy to move.

Finally,
my thoughts began to clear and my eyes grew heavy. I couldn’t say how long I
was asleep, but I was startled awake by the blinding brightness of the overhead
light. Groaning, I squinted and moved my sluggish hands to shield them from the
glow.

“Silly?”

I
recognized Skylar’s voice and grunted.

“Listen.”
The bed dipped as she seated herself on the edge. “I was being a jerk earlier.”

I
rubbed my sleepy eyes and sat up slowly. “And you felt the need to wake me up
to tell me this?” Managing to open my eyes without being blinded, I looked at
her.

“I
lied earlier,” she sighed. “I didn’t ‘just know’ I was ready like I said, but
it did just happen.”

I
stared at Skylar, wondering why she’d felt the need to come and tell me this.
She seemed to read my mind, though, because she went on.

“I
wanted you to know the truth,” she explained. “I don’t want you to do the same
thing I did. I was caught up in the moment, and I don’t think I ever realized
how quickly things could go from one to the other until that night.”

“Was
it a mistake?”

“Yes
and no,” Skylar sighed. She shrugged one shoulder and pursed her lips, as if to
consider her words. “It probably could have happened under better
circumstances, and I know I could have been better prepared, but I don’t regret
who it happened with.”

I
nodded. That made sense.

“What
I really wanted you to know was that I can’t tell you how you’ll know if you’re
ready or the time is right.” She paused. “It’s different for everyone, you
know, but I guess my best advice is: if it doesn’t feel right or you’re not
comfortable, don’t do it. Don’t let anyone else decide what’s right for you,
okay?”

I
nodded again, feeling a bit dumbstruck. It was odd hearing Skylar talk this
way. It made me wonder what had happened with her, but I didn’t think she’d
tell me. It seemed as if she was purposely being vague, and it seemed rude to
pry. After all, I didn’t want the details; I was just curious. There was one
question I thought was fair game. “How old were you the first time?”

“Around
your age,” she sighed. “But, please, don’t use me for any basis for what’s right.”

“Don’t
worry.” I grinned. “I won’t.”

“Hey!”
She shoved me playfully in the shoulder. “What’s got you all worried about sex
anyway? Did Jackson try something?”

“No.”
I couldn’t help it. I blushed. “It’s just that I know he’s . . . not a virgin.
I guess I just thought . . .”

“Okay.”
Skylar held up a hand to stop me. “Before you go getting worried, let me ask
this: how far have things gone already?”

I
blushed at the idea of telling my sister that Jackson felt me up. I wasn’t even
sure I
could
say it.

She
sighed when I didn’t answer and asked with a grimace, “Has he touched you . .
.” She nodded downward, as if to finish the question.

As
soon as I realized what she was asking, I yelped, drawing back and shaking my
head. “No! He’s just felt me up!” I blurted. My face bloomed with heat as soon
as the words were out. I looked away, embarrassed.

Skylar
sighed in what I guessed to be relief. “Well, if things haven’t gone south of
the border,” she smirked, “I don’t think you have a lot to worry about.” She
paused, raising an eyebrow. “If you’re not ready to have sex, you could always
just give him a hand job.”

“Skylar!”
I cried with a mortified glare.

“You’re
the one that brought up the issue of sex,” she pointed out, but a bit of pink
rose high on Skylar’s cheeks. “I was just trying to be helpful.”

“Yeah,
thanks,” I said, sarcastically, and then mimicked. “Just give him a hand job.”