Instead of You (16 page)

   I collapsed back onto the log, hands covering my face, trying to hide the tears that had escaped and were trailing down my cheeks.  Holly and Becca both took seats on either side of me, one of them with her arm around me, the other rubbing my knee tenderly.  I wasn’t sure which was which, but it didn’t matter.  They were there, trying to comfort me.

   “Kenzie, don’t let that asshole get into your head.  Cory loved you.  He would have kicked his ass if he were here.”

   Those words were true.  Cory never would have let anyone talk to me that way, say those horrible things about me.  He’d always protected me.  Even back in third grade when Ray Samuels would chase me around the playground and pull my pigtails.  Cory pushed him down and told him to leave me alone.  He’d always looked out for me.

   “I know,” I said through a sniffle.

   “And don’t believe what he said about you.  Just because you never had sex with him doesn’t mean you’re frigid or a tease.”

   “Holly!” Becca exclaimed.  “Damn it, don’t say shit like that to her right now.”

   “I’m just trying to help.”

   “Guys, I’m fine,” I said, wiping my cheeks with the palm of my hand.  “Nathan is a jerk.  And he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.  I was just caught off guard by his words.  I didn’t expect to be verbally assaulted around the campfire.”

   “Kenz,” Becca said softly, her hand rubbing a small circle near the top of my back. “It’s okay if you’re not fine.  He said some pretty horrible shit.”

   “Listen, Cory was a normal seventeen-year-old guy.  He wanted to have sex,” I said, my voice dropping to a whisper at the end of the sentence.  “But he never pressured me, and he never expected it.  Can we just drop it now?”

   “Sure,” Holly said.

   “I’m going to go for a walk.”

   “We’ll come with you,” Becca said, standing with me and Holly following suit.  I sighed, really wanting to be alone, but I knew the woods at night in the middle of nowhere wasn’t a smart place to find some alone time.

   We walked down the riverbed, keeping about ten feet between us and the water because, gators, and also we didn’t want our feet getting wet.  Holly and Becca were talking, dissecting every word Jacob had said to Becca, every move he made, and searching for evidence to substantiate the fact that he was totally crazy for her.  I heard their words, their voices floating over the sounds of the water rushing by, and let myself get a little lost in the darkness of my mind.

   My thoughts were centered on Cory.  Nathan’s words had stirred a proverbial pot I’d been happy to let rest for the last two weeks, but I couldn’t ignore the wave of thoughts and emotions that were flowing through me.

   If Cory and his father hadn’t been killed that night, my life would be so different in that moment.  I couldn’t help but think about what would have happened that night, that week, the rest of the year, if Cory were still here.  All of it was good, I wanted a life for Cory, wanted him here with me, but now, looking back, I don’t want him in that same capacity.  I wanted to grab a hold of aspects of him, tiny slivers of the friend I had in him, and remember those parts best.  But he was also my boyfriend.  That part caused me the most trouble.

   It was late, the moon was hiding behind some clouds and trees, and there were no lights besides the sparkling stars that managed to peek out from behind those clouds.  Darkness was simply everywhere.  I could hardly see the ground in front of me, and that notion was mirrored in my mind—darkness.  My life with Cory would have been dark in some ways, in the best ways and the worst.  I didn’t want to live in that world, and I would never know if I would have had the courage to end it, to tell Cory I wasn’t in love with him and would never be.

   The weight of my thoughts pressed down on me, slowed me down, and I heard my friends’ voices drifting farther and farther away.

   With troubling thoughts trampling through my brain, heartbeat racing and pounding through me, hands shaking, breath hitching, I finally just collapsed to the ground, panic taking over.  I pulled up my knees, wrapped my arms around them, and dropped my head into the crook created there.  I focused on breathing, trying to tame the flow of thoughts. 

   It only took a few moments for Holly and Becca to realize I wasn’t with them anymore, and I heard them coming back.

   “McKenzie, what is it?” Becca asked, kneeling down next to me.  “Holly, call someone.” 

   “I don’t have any service,” she replied frantically.

   “Kenz, what’s wrong?”  Now Becca sounded scared too. 

   “I’m okay, I just need a minute,” I managed, a hoarse whisper croaking from me.

   “Are you freaking out because Nate wanted to get you drunk and molest you?”

   Becca screamed, “Holly!” and the very same time I let out an enormous laugh.  I laughed until I cried.  Holly was a handful sometimes, but I never wanted her to have a filter installed.  The thoughts and words that came out of her sometimes were the best parts of my day.  Like right then.

   “Holly, oh my God, you’re just so wacked,” I said through the sputtering end of my laughter.

   “What?” she asked innocently, because she had no idea why her question was inappropriate.  “Besides, you’re the one on the ground having a breakdown.”

   Her words weren’t as unkind as they seemed, I knew her well enough to realize she wasn’t trying to be rude.  And anyway, she had a point.

   “Why
are
you on the ground having a breakdown?” Becca asked, sitting down next to me, probably ruining her favorite denim skirt.

   I didn’t know what to tell them.  My heart was telling me to just be honest.  Or, as honest as I could be.

   “What would you guys say if I told you….” My heart thundered in my chest.

   “Whatever it is, Kenz, you can tell us,” Holly said softly from her seat next to me on the ground, redeeming herself.

   “Yeah, you’re scaring me.  Just spit it out,” Becca demanded.

   “I was never in love with Cory.”  I said the words, finally said the words to someone besides Hayes.  The truth was heavy when you tried to keep it inside.  And although I wasn’t completely weightless, the words definitely took some pressure off.  I let out a loud sigh, immediately glad I’d let the truth out.

   “Wait. What?” Becca asked.

   “I was never in love with him.  I had nothing beyond really affectionate, friendly feelings toward him.  He was my very, very best friend, but I wasn’t in love with him.” 

   “But…,” Becca stammered.  “But you were with him for two years.  You guys, like,
did
stuff.”

   I shrugged, even though I knew they couldn’t see me very well.  “I know.  I’ll probably never be able to fully explain our relationship, but I never wanted to hurt him, and I thought maybe, someday, I’d fall in love with him.  I thought maybe I was a late bloomer.”

   “You were just going to be with him until, when?  Forever?  Because you hoped you’d one day, maybe, eventually fall in love with him?”  This came from Becca, and I was a little surprised at how upset she sounded.

   “I wasn’t 100 percent aware of how I felt until he was gone, Becca.  I loved him, I did.  So much.  More than anything.  But I can’t explain the amount of relief that came with his death.  I’ll never be able to forgive myself for that, but it happened.”

   “Wow,” Holly whispered.  “That must be really hard for you.”

   I nodded, once again wiping away a tear rolling over my cheek.  “I was never untrue to him, and I never stayed with him for any reason other than, well, because I
wanted
to be in love with him.  I hoped every day that I would wake up and that one piece that was missing would just fall into place.  But it never did.”  A sob broke free and my head dropped back into my little hiding spot.  “I would never have hurt him on purpose.”

   “God, Kenz, this is crazy.  We all thought you guys were the real deal.  Like, house, kids, dogs.  The forever kind of thing.”

   “I know.”  Everything she said was everything I’d tried to give Cory. I’d wanted him to have whatever he wanted, even if I couldn’t love him the way he loved me.  I’d have done anything for him.  “If he hadn’t died, that’s what would have happened, Becca.  I would have been with him forever.  Half of me thinks I would have been okay with that.  But now, the other part of me who realizes fully what was going on, the terrible part of my brain, is actually
thankful
he died.”  I let out a cry as more sobs broke free.  I hadn’t cried this hard since the first night we lost him.

   “Oh, Kenzie,” Holly said, wrapping her arm around me and putting her mouth right next to my ear.  “You’re not thankful he died, that’s ridiculous.  You’re thankful that you don’t have to force yourself to live a lie anymore, and that’s understandable.  You loved Cory, we all know that.  No one could deny that.  But just because you can imagine a life without him doesn’t mean you’re glad he’s gone.”

   “I’m not glad he’s gone,” I said quietly, knowing it was the truth.  But I couldn’t help but question whether I wanted to go back to how it was before.  Knowing what life could be like with Hayes, what just a glance from him could make me feel, I wasn’t sure I could have gone back to the life I had with Cory.  I was also glad, in a terrible, terrible way, that I didn’t have that choice.  I didn’t have to choose between Cory and Hayes and I would probably forever be grateful for that.

Chapter Fifteen

Hayes

   The meeting with my cohorts was exactly as I expected, and was very similar to all the meetings we’d had since the beginning of the program.  The only difference was, this was the first one I’d been able to attend since Cory and my father were killed.  I’d missed a couple and thankfully my advisor was very accommodating, but it was nice to have something to do back in Bellingham, nice to go back to a physical place that didn’t hold any bad or confusing memories.

   As I’d expected, my advisor, Donna Hunter, had explained my situation to the other cohorts, so when I approached the table at the café we always met at, I was received with a lot of sympathetic expressions.  Everyone expressed their condolences, and once they were convinced I wasn’t going to break down and cry, the meeting moved along as all the others had before it.

   Aside from Donna, there were five other students in my group, all of us at the same point in the process of obtaining our master’s in education and our teaching license.  The meetings served as a way for us students to talk about our in-classroom experiences, bounce ideas off each other, and decompress if needed.  I’d been pretty lucky to be grouped with five pretty awesome students, and Donna was probably the best advisor I could have asked for.

   After the official meeting was over, Donna asked me to stay behind.  I said good-bye to all my fellow students and waited for Donna to dive into whatever she wanted to discuss.

   “I hope you didn’t mind me telling the others about your situation.”  Her words were compassionate and worried. 

   “It’s fine.  I’m sure everyone was wondering why I’d been gone for so long, missed so many meetings.”

   She nodded.  “They were.  But they were also glad when I told them you wanted to continue with the program despite the tragedy.  How is your classroom going?  Are you handling everything all right?”

   I shrugged.  “I think it’s going well.  Mr. White has been really helpful, a great resource, the class is great, and I’ve been able to adopt the curriculum to work with my thesis topic.”

   “That’s great,” she said, but the tone of her voice indicated she wasn’t convinced.  “What about the emotional aspect of the assignment?  How are you faring working in the same class your brother used to attend?  That must be difficult.”

   “I guess I’m really lucky that Cory and I were four years apart.  I never went to high school when he was there, so I don’t really have that connotation.  When I go in that building it feels weird, but only because it’s where I went, not because Cory was there.”

   “Well, that’s a good thing, I suppose.”

   “I think so.”

   “I know Mrs. Anderson and Mr. White already explained this to you, but I wanted to reiterate:  If this assignment proves to be too difficult, or you realize, at any point, that it is not in your best interest to be at that school, in that classroom, the university and I are willing to let you take an incomplete.  You can come back at any point and pick up right where you left off.  There will be no detriment to your GPA, or your licensure status.”

   “Except that I won’t actually
be
licensed.  I’ll have to wait another six months at the very least.”

   Donna folded her hands on the table, threading her fingers together, giving me a sad look.  “It wouldn’t be the end of the world.”  She sounded like my mother, before she lost her husband, son, and mind.  Before she fell apart, with good reason.  I knew Donna was just expressing concern for me, but it made me uncomfortable.  I wasn’t used to people, especially in academia, questioning my capabilities.  She let out a breath, her shoulders loosening, slumping forward just a bit.  “Promise me you won’t hang on to an unhealthy situation.  Please, promise me you’ll let us know if you need to walk away.  We’ll all understand, Hayes.”

   “I promise if I feel I need to leave the classroom, I will.”  It would take wild horses to drag me away from the one hour a day I got to be in the same room with McKenzie.

  
McKenzie.

   She’d gone to that party and the two-hour drive back home was only spent imagining the things that could happen there.  I’d been on the Holstater compound before; I went to school with Ryan’s older brother.  I knew there would be alcohol and guys waiting to take advantage of drunk girls.  And I also knew Nathan Patterson would be there. 

   I tried calling her a few times, hoping maybe she’d decided not to go after all, but when my calls went directly to voice mail, I knew she was at the compound and had no signal.

  
Shit.

   I didn’t want to be that caveman who couldn’t control himself, but, damn it, I couldn’t control myself.  She was with her friends, but her friends were all paired off, and I didn’t want to imagine what could happen to her if she were left all alone.