Instead of You (17 page)

   My foot pressed down on the accelerator and I sped up, knowing I should drive straight to my mom’s house, but that’s not where I ended up.

   I could see the glowing embers of what used to be a pretty large bonfire, and I shook my head at the teenagers who couldn’t even properly put out a fire before they abandoned it.  Although, it was providing a little light, which I was thankful for.

   I’d parked in the lot with all the others, not surprised at how easily my memory returned and took me right to it.  I’d wrestled with the decision to use my cell phone as a flashlight, knowing that if anyone saw me it would be really difficult to explain the situation without raising some red flags.  So, I’d used it until I got close to the end of the path, then I’d waited a few yards away from the main campsite, in the dark, behind some trees, watching to see if anyone was still up.

  There was a group of ten or so kids near the slowly dying fire, but just moments after I’d spotted them, one yelled, “Who’s up for skinny dipping?”

   There were a bunch of cheers and then they all ran down the beach toward the river.  I couldn’t see another person anywhere, so I stepped out from the trees, walked past the fire, and headed toward the meadow where I knew all the tents would be.

   “Kenzie,” I whispered loudly, the screen of my cell phone lighting the path.  I passed seven tents before one caught my eye.  I knelt down next to the tent, near the door that was zipped closed, and took a deep breath.  I was about 80 percent sure it was McKenzie’s tent, but I had no idea if she was in there, let alone in there by herself.  What if one of her friends were in the tent?  How would I explain my being there at all?  What could I possibly say that would excuse me, a teacher, unzipping a student’s tent in the middle of the night?  Never mind the thoughts racing through my brain at what I’d like to do to said student.

   I was possibly making the biggest mistake of my life, unzipping that tent.

   I didn’t care.

   The zipper moved smoothly over the tines, quieter than expected, and I opened the tent just enough to pull the nylon fabric back and look inside.  There I saw McKenzie, alone, sleeping.  I let out a relieved sigh, then opened the tent enough for me to climb in, trying to be as quiet as possible.  She started to stir as I was closing the tent back up.

   “Becca?” she asked, groggily.

   “No, babe, it’s me.”  There was a second sleeping bag laid out next to her, I assumed for Becca, so I stretched out on my side, facing her.

   “Hayes?”  There was shock in her voice, confusion as well.  “What are you doing here?”  She pushed up on one hand, her hair falling from her face.  I couldn’t stop the hand that reached out and tucked some of her crazy hair behind her ear.

   “I wanted to see you,” I replied honestly, even if my urge to see her was more complicated than that.

   Her eyes softened at my words.  “I want to see you too, but if anyone else sees you, you’ll get in so much trouble.”

   “No one saw me.  Promise.  C’mere.”  I motioned for her to lie with me and loved the fact that she came without reservation.  I opened my arms to her and she came to me immediately.  Fitting herself against my side, her arm draped over my stomach and her head rested on my chest.  After a few moments of content silence, she tilted her head to look up at me.

   “I thought you were spending the night in Bellingham.”

   “I was planning on it, but the longer I stayed there, away from you, the more I needed to come back.”  Her eyes never left mine as I spoke.  “I was kind of a dick about you coming to this party, but only because I know what high school guys are like, especially when a beautiful girl who was previously unavailable is back on the market.”

   “I didn’t come to the party to look for guys.  I came because it’s what normal high school students do.  It’s what I would have done before Cory died.  I just wanted to do something ordinary.”

   “I know.”  When I lost her eyes I knew there was something she wasn’t telling me.  “What is it?”  I used my finger to bring her eyes back to mine.

   “You weren’t entirely wrong.”  Her words were whispered, as if she were afraid to say them.  “There was one, um, situation.”

   “What happened?”  I left my finger at the bottom of her chin, the gentle pressure there not changing, but I could feel the tension in my body growing, my muscles tightening, the adrenaline coursing through me.

   “It was Nate.”  At his name, my blood ran hot and fast.  “He tried to get me to go back to his tent with him, to get me drunk.  But the guys stopped him and kicked him out of the party.”

   “I’m going to kick his ass.”  I let go of her chin, but only to run my hand through my hair, itching to punch a wall and angry there wasn’t something firmer than the nylon tent around.

   “No, you’re not.  Hayes, look at me.”  This time it was her hand pulling my cheek around to look back at her.  “You can’t let him get to you.  He’s a douche bag who thought he had a chance with me, but he doesn’t.  No one does.  But you.  Until we’re able to be out in the open with our relationship, you’re just going to have to trust that I’ll never let the Nates of the world come between us.”

   I took real issue with the fact that I had to trust a bunch of high school guys to keep my girl safe at a party.  It sucked that I couldn’t just walk into that party holding her hand, making sure every guy knew she was mine.  But all that was my fault.  I was the one who’d put us in that situation, and there wasn’t much I could do about it.

   “I want to be the one to protect you.”  Her eyes went soft at my words, and her body relaxed into mine.  I rolled toward her just slightly, letting my lips find hers, loving the way her breath pulled in quickly at the touch.  She kissed me back, her hands moving around my neck, up into my hair.  I continued until I was over her completely, my legs straddling her sleeping bag, instantly frustrated with the thick and puffy layer between us.

   As I kissed her, I fumbled for the zipper, found it, then unzipped the bag as far as I could without pulling my lips from hers.  Once the sleeping bag was open, my hands reached for her, but all I felt were more layers.

   “What the hell are you wearing?” I whispered as a laugh escaped me. 

   “I didn’t want to get cold,” she answered by way of explanation.  I squinted in the dark and looked down at an oversized hoodie, a pair of sweatpants, and peeking just above the waistband of those, was the waistband of a pair of jeans.

   “Are you seriously wearing two pairs of pants?”  More snickers.

   “I get cold easily.”  She pouted and I wanted to kiss her lips so fucking bad.  So I did.

   I sucked her bottom lip into my mouth, biting gently, hands gently resting on either side of her neck.  I released her lip only to ask, “Mind if I remove a few layers?  I promise to keep you warm.”  She nodded slightly, then reached down and pulled her hoodie over her head.  Then she reached down again and I smiled as she pulled the long-sleeved t-shirt over her head, only to reveal a tank top.  She threw both her tops in the corner of the tent, so I stripped off my own jacket, tossing it in the same corner.  Then I moved down and pulled the sweatpants over her hips.  She helped, lifting up so I could get them down her legs.

   I wanted to take everything off, wanted access to all of her, but I knew we needed to take it slow.  I also knew, no matter how much I wanted her in that moment, I didn’t want our first time together to be in a tent at a high school party.  But I did want part of her, just a tiny piece to tuck away, something between us.

   I leaned back down, one hand resting on the ground beside her head, the other on her waist, and put my mouth to her neck.  I heard her gasp, felt her stomach muscles tighten beneath me, and it only spurred me on.  I trailed wet, hard kisses up the column of her throat, only to move back down again.  Her body started moving beneath me, breaths quickening, hips rolling.  My hand moved up her waist, her tank top bunching up, moving with my hand, until I felt the swell of her breast.  She arched into me and I knew she wanted me to touch her there.

   I slipped my fingers beneath the hem of her thin tank, stopped kissing her, and breathed out a rough, “Is this all right?”

   “Yes,” she replied instantly.

   My fingers dipped under her shirt and moved to cover her breast.  I felt the lace of her bra and palmed her, while my mouth moved over her jaw and back to her lips.  She fit perfectly in my hand, and that small fact wasn’t lost on me.  In fact, every single part of her fit perfectly against me.  I stopped kissing her just long enough to pull her tank top over her head, but she surprised me when she sat up, forcing me to also, then climbing onto my lap.  Her legs wrapped around my waist and her hands gripped the bottom of my shirt and brought it up slowly, tugging it off me.  Her eyes found mine, and without words, she reached behind her back, unclasped her bra, and tossed it in the corner with the rest of our clothes.

   My heart was thundering in my chest, and I tried to keep my eyes on hers, tried hard not to be
that guy
who is distracted by boobs, but I couldn’t help it.  I loved her, all of her, and this was the first time she was showing me a part of herself that was sacred.  My eyes lowered.

   Fuck.

   She was perfect.

   I always knew she would be.

   My hands went to her, gently cupping both her breasts, and I saw her chest shake with a shattering breath, goose bumps breaking out over her sensitive flesh.  I dragged my thumb over her perfectly pink-brown nipple, and even in the dark of the tent I could see it stretch and stiffen, reacting to my touch.

   “Christ, Kenz, you’re gorgeous.”

   “Hayes,” she whispered, wrapping her legs tighter around me as her hands gripped the back of my neck.  My arms instinctively moved to wrap around her waist, and then we were pressed together, skin to skin, and I almost couldn’t believe it was real.  She was softer than I imagined, her hair silkier, skin warmer.  Everything about her was
more
. 

   Our mouths devoured each other, my hands trying to feel every bit of her exposed to me, and
fuck
, when she started rocking her hips against me I lost it.  I lifted her, laid her back down on the sleeping bag, and pulled my mouth from hers.

   “You stop me if you’re not comfortable, Kenz.  I swear, just tell me no, and I’ll back off, but right now, my mouth wants to taste more of you.”  She nodded, biting her bottom lip, and I started pressing open kisses down her throat, over her collarbone, and across the swell of her breasts.  I used one hand to palm her, squeezing her, loving the whimpers that came from her mouth.  Then I slowly moved my mouth to her other breast, using my tongue to circle her, watching her eyes roll back in her head, then taking her fully in my mouth.  I sucked gently at first, wanting to watch her react to my mouth, but when she rolled up, making the most beautiful sounds of pleasure, I couldn’t help but draw her even further in, sucking hard, all while pinching her other nipple between my fingers.

   “Baby, you have to be quiet,” I murmured around her breast after she let out a low, guttural moan.  I thought about someone hearing her cry out, and that alone made me uneasy—I didn’t want anyone to hear her but me.  Her sounds were for me alone.  But if someone heard her, they’d know she was with someone, and we didn’t need that kind of talk.

   “I’m trying,” she gasped.  “Oh, God…,” she cried softly as I pulled her nipple back in my mouth.  “Please, Hayes,” she started.

   “What, Kenzie?  Tell me what you need.”

   “I don’t know….”

   I moved my hands to the side, trailing lightly over her ribs, and placed a line of small kisses down the center of her.  I paid special attention to her navel, but all that got me was more panting and low moaning.  When I made it to the closure on her jeans, I met her eyes, silently asking her if she wanted me to stop.  She gave me a small nod, and I swear I’d never felt luckier in my life.

   I unbuttoned her jeans, pulled the zipper down, then tugged them off her legs, watching her lift and wiggle her hips to assist.  It was dark, but I could see the stark white of her underwear and the sweet lace that lined the edges.  I let out my own groan as I trailed my nose across her belly just above the soft edge of lace.  I wanted to do so many things with her, to her, but I tried to rein myself in.

   I pressed my lips against her skin again, moving up to her mouth, kissing her, feeling her bare legs wrap around me again.  She used her feet to pull me down to her and,
Jesus, fuck,
she ground her hips up into me.  Something inside me snapped and the thread of sanity I was so desperately gripping slid right through my fingers.  My hand rested on her hip, then slid to her knee, holding her to me, then I thrust against her, watching as her eyes fluttered closed and her mouth fell open, only a soft moan coming from her.

   So many countless nights I’d dreamed of being with her, of watching her underneath me, this was all too surreal, and so much better than I imagined.

   Suddenly I felt her hand at the button of my jeans and I stilled, closing my hand around hers.  “Kenzie, we can’t.”  My forehead was pressed against hers, my breaths panting out of me at a rapid pace.

   “I want to touch you.”  Her voice was raspy, deep, drowsy almost.  And sexy as fuck.  Her hand wriggled free from mine and she unbuttoned my pants.  I lost the will to stop her.  “We don’t have to have sex, but I at least want to feel you.”  I opened my eyes to find her staring right at me, paused, waiting for permission.  Suddenly, our roles were reversed, and she was the one taking cues from me.

   I would deny her nothing.

   I finished unzipping my pants and pushed them over my hips, kicking them off, then rolling off Kenzie so we were facing each other.  I reached up, pressed my hand to her cheek, then slid it back into her hair, pulling her lips to mine.  I felt her hand tremble as it grazed my stomach, her fingers tentatively pulling on the elastic of my boxer briefs.  I lost my breath as her hand slid in and wrapped around me.  Our lips were just a breath apart, both of us panting, her fingers moving gingerly over the most sensitive part of me.