Intentional (15 page)

About a half hour later, the music stops. I hear Cade going into the kitchen; he’s fiddling with the coffeemaker. I scamper down the steps. I don’t want to miss this. “Good morning!” He looks up at me. His hair is wet and mussed; he’s already had a shower.

He looks tired. “You’re a morning person.” It’s not a question.

I laugh. “And that’s a disappointment because…”

He shakes his head. “Not a disappointment. I just don’t do mornings very well.”

I smile. “Well, let’s fix that. Have you figured out the coffee machine yet?”

He backs off, splays his hands out. “It’s all yours. You would think with my engineering degree, I could figure this out.”

“Ha, you have it wrong—it’s in the genes.” I know feminists around the world would groan at that comment, but it’s true. Women are simply better in the kitchen than men. Okay, maybe not all men, but most. Maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt, though. “Do you cook?”

He looks at me, confused. “Cook what?”

I ask, “Like, anything?”

“I can cook eggs,” he says with pride.

Okay, that’s a start. “Anything else?”

“That, my dear Mattie, is the extent of my cooking expertise—scrambled eggs. I can also fry them, but my scrambled eggs are much better. How about you? Are you some sort of chef or something?” I think he’s starting to figure me out “or something.”

I start looking in the refrigerator for something to eat. He comes behind me. “Oh, this is getting interesting! My day is looking up all of a sudden. Is there anything in there that you can cook up for me?” As I look at him, he has that hopeful-little-boy look again.

I sigh. “Yes, Cade. Go sit down—I’ll put something together for you.” He practically skips back to the table. Typical bachelor.

I make him eggs Benedict. It’s one of my favorite dishes, so I made sure to buy the ingredients on my way up to the cabin. I put the plate in front of him. He looks at it like it might move. “Try it—it has eggs.”

He laughs and takes a little bite. He looks surprised. “Mmmm, that’s good.” He devours the food in about two minutes.

“More?” I get him a second plate and listen to him as he groans in delight. I like that he enjoys food so much. Maybe I can cook for him sometimes—as a friend, of course. Only a friend.

We spend the rest of the morning and early afternoon enjoying ourselves on the deck. It’s huge, with comfortable lawn chairs. The sun is out, and it gently warms our skin. The sound of the birds chirping lulls me into a contemplative mood. I look down at the expansive lawn that slopes gently down to the river. I can’t see any fish today. But I know they are there, just below the surface. The feeling of peace comes back to me. I embrace it.

I’m able to get a few more questions by Cade without having to play the Questions game. Bourbon does not sound good at all today. I found out that he has a twenty-one-year-old sister attending Harvard and that his mom owns a large Montessori preschool on Mercer Island. His dad is an ER doctor at Overlake Hospital in Bellevue. “Are you all overachievers or what?” I ask.

Cade laughs. “Nah. All of us just kind of went our own way. Followed our dreams and all that.”

I’m really curious about Cade’s tattoos. They don’t seem to match his personality. I’ve always thought of people with tattoos as being rebellious. Cade doesn’t seem rebellious to me at all—his tattoos seem to be more of an artistic expression.

I want to know more about the tattoos, but I want to get a couple more questions out of the way first. I blurt out, “How old are you, and do you have any piercings?”

He answers, “Twenty-six” and stops. Is he being evasive?

“Okay, what about the piercings?”

He asks, “What do you think?”

I don’t even know why I’m so curious about this. “Well, I don’t see any…”

He gives me a wink and replies, “That doesn’t mean I don’t have any where you can’t see.”

Uh-oh. Now I’m embarrassed. I’ve heard about body piercings in some very private places. Why did I ask that stupid question? I can feel my face start to turn red. He takes pity on me, laughing. “No, Mattie, I don’t have those types of piercings—what type of man do you think I am?”

“I’m not sure. I’ve only known you a day!”

His face is serious. “It feels like so much longer, don’t you think?”

“Yeah,” I nod. “It does.”

I ask, “Can you tell me about your tattoos? Are they personal?”

Cade looks over at me. “Yes, they are. But I’ll tell you a little bit about them. How about I give you one fact a week about each one? That way, you’ll be drawn back to me for more information.” He smiles as he says it, but I detect something in his eyes. It’s that vulnerability I saw yesterday. How can a handsome, smart, talented guy like him have any insecurities? He must have women throwing themselves at him all the time.

“Okay, I’ll bite. Tell me about this one.” I point to the tattoo of a small swallow.

“You’ll bite? Promise?” he jokes. I roll my eyes. “This one represents hope and achievement. I got it right before graduation. I was basically hoping for a job.”

I laugh. “I know a lot of people who could benefit from that tip. It seemed to work for you. You have two jobs!”

“Yeah, about that—would you like to come tomorrow to one of our shows? I’d love for you to meet all the guys and hear us play.”

I don’t have to think long about this one. “Yes, that sounds like fun. I’ll ask Julianne and Sam if they can come also. We can make a night of it. I haven’t been out for months!”

His face is excited. “It’s a date!”

My face falls. I need to talk to Cade.

He looks at me. “I said something wrong, didn’t I?”

“No. You didn’t say anything wrong at all. I just need to make myself really clear. I think you’re great; I really like you a lot.”

Cade cringes. He puts his hands over his face. “Not the friend talk! No, don’t do it to me!”

This makes me laugh. “No, it’s not the friend talk. But it’s close. I don’t plan on dating. I don’t plan on having a relationship—maybe ever. I certainly won’t ever, ever fall in love again.”

Cade stops laughing. “Man, what the hell did he do to you?”

The pain that I have been shoving down for months makes another unwelcome appearance. Tears sting my eyes. “He destroyed everything. The worst part is that I lost trust. I trusted him with everything in my soul. I would have done anything for him. He was my everything, and he threw it all away. I can never allow myself to be in that position again. I barely lived through it this time. If it happened again, I don’t think I could survive it.”

Cade nods. “Yeah. I get it.” He waits a few minutes. “Can we be almost-dating friends? That way we can hang out and have fun
without all the other stuff messing everything up.” Cade is so much fun. He makes me laugh so much.

I reach over to shake his hand. “Sure, almost-dating friends it is.”

Chapter 24

June

Cade

I’m in trouble. I’m not going to be able to shake this one. I’ve avoided any type of relationship for almost my entire adult life. Mattie. Oh, man, she’s beautiful. She’s smart and funny. I feel so good when I’m with her. I should be running in the opposite direction, but she’s pulling me in minute by minute. I think I’m falling for her, and it scares me.

I haven’t told her how much we have in common. I also made a vow never to love again. I didn’t realize how lonely I’ve become until I held her in my arms. I’ve wasted years keeping my emotions locked up. Will I need to wait years for Mattie’s walls to come down?

She’s safe with me. Maybe she will be able to sense it. I would never do to her what Jeremy did. I want her. I think I need her. My feelings for her are so confusing. They feel so new, like I’m in high school again. I can’t wait until I see her again tomorrow.

Chapter 25

June

Mattie

I don’t want to leave. The realization surprises me. This trip to Julianne’s cabin has been a turning point for me. I’ve been slowly but surely coming back to life. Now I’m feeling almost normal. I look over at Cade. He’s packing up. I start cleaning the kitchen. We look at each other from across the room. I think we’re both feeling the same way. It’s so easy with him. I feel like I can be myself. I don’t have to hide.

I know I have to be careful. There is something about Cade that makes me want to put my arms around him. I turn away from him and start putting the dishes away. We finish up with the packing and cleaning. We linger for a little bit longer on the deck.

Finally, I can’t drag it out any more. I gather my belongings and head for my car. I say, “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Cade smiles. “I’ll look forward to it. And, Mattie, thanks for being here with me. I haven’t had this much fun for a long time.”

I nod my head. “Me too.” I’ve got to get out of here. “See ya!” With that, I throw all my stuff in the car and make a beeline out the driveway and back home.

I’m home for about ten minutes before Julianne comes knocking on my door. “I want to hear everything!” She’s jumping up and down. Oh my gosh—what does she think happened?

“Julianne, settle down. There’s nothing to tell! We just hung out.”

She gets a sly look on her face. “That’s not what Sam said.”

What the heck? “What did Sam say?” I feel myself start to blush. I don’t know why—absolutely nothing happened. Okay, maybe a little spooning on the couch. That’s nothing—right?

Julianne looks deflated for a moment. “So, nothing at all?” I reply, “Spill it, Julianne. What in the world did Sam tell you?”

“Well, actually, not a lot. Cade just told him how much he liked you.”

I don’t know why, but I’m getting that warm feeling in my body again. I can feel little flutters in my stomach. I order my body to
stop it. I laugh at Julianne’s disappointment. “Oh, Julianne, I like him too. But believe me, nothing is going to happen.”

“Why not?”

This is the second time in twenty-four hours that I am faced with telling someone about my breakup and subsequent move. I’ve avoided it thus far by distracting her with talk about business, cooking, anything and everything except for my love life—or lack thereof. I think she just assumed I had a boyfriend tucked away somewhere.

“Okay, Julianne. I’m going to make this as short as possible. I fell in love and got engaged, he cheated, and I moved to Mercer Island.”

She looks downright shocked. “Someone cheated on you. But why? Was he insane?”

I want to say yes, he was, but I’m just not sure. “Oh, Julianne, it’s complicated. It’s over now. I’m still not ready to talk about him. I just know that it will be a long time, if ever, before I’ll get involved again like that.”

Julianne looks disappointed. “Okay, Mattie. But please, if you ever need to talk about it, I’m here. Okay?” I give her a hug. I
officially have my first new friend in the state of Washington, city of Mercer Island.

Chapter 26

June

Mattie

I toss and turn, trying to sleep. Why can’t I? It’s not because I’m excited for tomorrow. No, it’s not. I’ve had too much caffeine—that’s it. Wait. Have I had caffeine today? I turn and fluff my pillow, tossing again. My mind is replaying the past couple days. Every time I close my eyes, I see Cade’s smile. I feel panicked, a little excited. Oh no, this isn’t going to happen. Maybe I shouldn’t go tomorrow. If I’m having these feelings, what will it be like to see Cade onstage? I have to admit to myself, there is something way sexy about a guy who can play an instrument and sing. My heart is pounding just imagining it. I can’t go. I want to go. I toss again. Am I going to sleep at all tonight?

Julianne and Sam swing by my apartment to pick me up for our night out. After much deliberation and a pep talk to myself, I decide to suck it up and go. It’s Saturday night, after all. I have vowed to control myself. I will control my emotions. We’re going a little late—it’s after 10:00 p.m. I find out that Cade has left us some passes, so we don’t have to worry about getting in at the door. I’ve been learning a lot
about Cade and his band from both Julianne and Sam. Apparently, they are very popular. They’ve been playing together for five years and have somewhat of a cult following.

We find a parking lot in downtown Seattle on Fourth and Pine. We’ll have to walk a few blocks to the club. It’s a nice evening. I find myself wondering where all the rain is that everyone always associates with Seattle. Of course, I’ve seen the rain, just not very often.

As we’re walking, I stop suddenly. “Hey, guys, what’s the name of Cade’s band, anyway?”

Sam laughs. “We were wondering when you were going to ask.”

“Well?”

“It’s Hard Reign. Hard
R-e-i-g-n
—get it?”

Oh, that’s funny—I was just thinking about the rain. “Clever.”

We get past the doorman guarding the entrance to the Emerald City Nightclub. I can’t believe this place—it’s huge. I wasn’t expecting a venue this big. There must be a hundred tables with a large dance floor below a huge stage. It’s wall-to-wall bodies, dancing, drinking, and partying. I can’t help but get swept up into the atmosphere.