Intentional (25 page)
Authors: MK Harkins
Tuesday
Jeremy
I need to get in to see her. Why can’t they see that? I’m pacing back and forth. That Cade guy is here again. I haven’t really talked to him since Saturday. We keep avoiding each other. He looks up at me; he looks exasperated. “Why are you here, anyway? Did you bring that crazy girl with you to Seattle?”
I’ve been trying not to talk to him for this very reason. I still want to punch his lights out. “To answer your first question, it’s none of your business. The answer to your second question is no.”
Cade looks annoyed. “So, you think you can cheat on Mattie and come prancing back into her life? I can tell you that’s not going to fly with her. She’s moved on. She’ll never get over that betrayal.”
I’m angry. “Don’t you think I know that? I’ve known Mattie a lot longer than you!” I turn away from him. I need distance. I storm out and go to the cafeteria.
As I enter the cafeteria, I’m stricken by a thought. Oh my God, I’m having a déjà vu moment. Didn’t I have a similar conversation
with Evan when he tried to talk to Mattie in my office? I feel bile in the back of my throat. Is history going to repeat itself? She told me it didn’t matter if Evan cheated or not—she had already moved on. Am I going to be Evan in this scenario? Has she moved on to Cade?
When I get back, there is a bigger crowd of people. I don’t want to deal with this now. I go to the nurses’ station again. “Well? Can I see her now?” The nurse rolls her eyes. I know I’ve asked about every ten minutes, but this is getting ridiculous.
I wait another hour. One of the nurses approaches me. Mattie is asking to see me. My heart starts to race. I walk into her room, and our eyes meet.
Tuesday
Mattie
I want to get the talk with Jeremy over with. The staggering relief I felt when I found out he was alive remains, but I’m having a problem figuring out the reason why he showed up in Seattle in the first place. I think maybe he wanted to warn me about Sarah. I appreciate his effort, but I don’t like the way he punched Cade. How I live my life is none
of his business. I will always care about him—and, if I’m being honest with myself, a part of me will always love him—but I can never get over his betrayal. He has to take some responsibility for the situation that happened. Obviously, Sarah came apart over the whole thing. I’m not sure if it was a one-night stand or if they had a longer relationship and broke up. Whatever happened set the wheels in motion leading up to her meltdown on Saturday.
Jeremy comes in and sits down quietly in the chair next to my bed. It’s the first time I really get a good look at him. He looks like he’s lost a little weight. His face is covered in a three-day beard. He looks tired. I look into his eyes. He’s still so beautiful. My heart starts to falter. Why does he always get such a physical reaction out of me? I just want him gone.
I ask him softly, “What do you want, Jeremy?”
He looks so sad. “It was intentional, Mattie.”
My mind is trying to wrap itself around his words. “Intentional? What do you mean?” He reaches over to hold my hand. I pull away. He looks down at the bed. I’ve upset him.
“Sarah,” he answers. “Sarah deliberately set up everything. She intended to break us up.”
I look at him blankly. “Sarah set up everything? On purpose?” I’m foolishly repeating what he is saying.
“Yes, Sarah staged the whole sleeping-together thing. She drugged me, Mattie. I didn’t find out about it until three months ago. I wanted to tell you, but you were already gone. I couldn’t find you.”
This is too much information for me to process. Does this mean that Jeremy never cheated? “Jeremy, can you please start from the beginning? I need to know what happened.”
“Do you remember the day before you came home from Florida? That was the day we had our office party. I had two glasses of punch; Sarah gave both to me. Within an hour, I started to feel off. I remember thinking that the drinks were much stronger than I had thought. I felt dizzy and out of it. I started to feel really sick. Sarah was by me the whole time. She told me I was in no shape to drive. I did feel pretty awful, so I agreed to let her drive me home. I really don’t remember much of anything after that until about two minutes before you came into my room the next morning. I have fuzzy memories of Sarah taking off my clothes.” He pauses. He looks uncomfortable, and his face reddens. “I remember her kissing me, but that’s all. I remember thinking,
Why can’t I move?
”
He reaches for my hand again. This time, I don’t move it. “Mattie, I never touched her. I never betrayed you. She drugged me and took advantage of my weakened state. I know for a fact that we never had sex. The drug she gave me is called Rohypnol. It’s a date-rape drug.”
He jumps up. “Just a minute—I have to get someone.” I’m confused. He’s leaving in the middle of his story? He comes back with some guy. I think it’s the guy who was at the bar, spouting something about drugs during all of the craziness.
Jeremy says, “I brought him from Sedona. His name is Jimmy. Sarah bought the drug from him.” If this situation weren’t so horrible, this might make me laugh. He’s such a lawyer—he’s bringing this Jimmy person to prove to me what Sarah did. I remember well Jeremy’s tendency to want complete control of everything, so it makes sense that he dragged a witness with him to Seattle. I smile before I’m even aware of it. I need to stop; I can sense myself drifting back in time.
Jimmy is nodding his head. “That’s right, beautiful. That Sarah girl bought the drug from me. I swear I wouldn’t have given to her if I had known she would give it to Mr. H!”
Jeremy is looking at me hopefully. “Do you have any questions for him, Mattie?”
Even though I feel he betrayed me, I don’t think he’s a liar. I would have believed him even without the proof of what Sarah was capable of. I shake my head and say, “I believe you.” He looks relieved. He asks Jimmy to leave.
Jeremy sits back down. He takes one of my hands in both of his. “Mattie, you don’t have any idea of the hell I’ve been living in since this all happened. Every single minute of every day, I have suffered without you. It’s excruciating. I miss you, I ache for you. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t breathe without you. I left my job just so I could find you. You are everything to me Mattie. Please tell me you’ll think about all that I’ve told you.”
“I will, Jeremy. Can you please let everyone know that I’m not up to any more visitors today? I’ll talk to everyone tomorrow. I need time to think.”
He leans down and presses his face into my hand. “Please pick me, Mattie. God, Mattie, we should never have been apart.” He stands up reluctantly and leaves the room.
I lie in my hospital bed for eight hours straight. Thinking. Processing. I’m trying to sort out all of the feelings that have ripped through my body for the past nine months. Betrayal, grief, sadness, anger, hope, peace, and then happiness.
I’ve been both sad about and angry with Jeremy for so long, it feels weird to let it go—it has been such a part of me. It was my reality. That has all changed. I can feel the gigantic walls I’ve constructed around my heart start to slowly melt away. The memories that I’ve tried so hard to push away start to reappear. This time I am safe; the memories don’t hurt anymore. I let my mind wander freely through the past. I remember the smile that Jeremy had only for me. I feel his love warm me again. I remember the laughter. I remember the joy. Most of all, I remember the friendship. Jeremy was my best friend. I know that now.
Jeremy is not a cheater. Jeremy did not betray me. Jeremy is a victim of Sarah, just like me. Sarah—I wonder if she knew that I really did love her. She played her part well. I thought we were best friends the entire time. I will grieve for Sarah. I will grieve for the person that she will never be. She will never overcome her hatred for me. She died with it. She won’t have any more chances to stop herself from her
downward spiral. She died alone. I will go to her funeral, even after all she’s done, and I will cry for the way she left this world. I will cry for all the love that she tossed away. I will cry for her parents, and I will pray for their healing. I go to sleep with tears running down my face.
Jeremy
Tuesday
I finally got to talk with Mattie. I told her everything. The ball is in her court. I know it will take a while for everything to sink in. After I left her hospital room, I went into the waiting area to let everyone know that she wasn’t up to seeing anyone else today.
Cade looks at me curiously—he’s trying to judge if I’m lying or not. I tell him, “I’ve given her a lot of information about Sarah; she just needs to be alone.” He nods once. Cade looks awful. If he wasn’t such a threat to me, I might feel a little bad for him.
I decide to head back to my hotel room, taking Jimmy with me. I need a shower and a change of clothes. I know Jimmy will appreciate it—he’s been like a caged lion for days.
Jimmy has been worried that the police were going to charge him for Sarah’s death. After Jerry jostled the gun out of Sarah’s hands, Jimmy picked it up. Sarah and Jimmy were wrestling with the gun when it went off. The police did their research and conducted all their interviews yesterday. Everyone agreed that Jimmy shot Sarah in self-defense. No charges were filed. Now all I have to do is give him a good lecture about selling or using drugs and send him home.
This is all coming to an end. I just don’t know how it’s going to work out.
After my shower, I sit by the window and stare out at Puget Sound. After the storm on Sunday morning, everything has cleared up and the views are spectacular. Everything feels cleansed. The sun is shining warmly down on the city of Seattle. I don’t think I’ve seen a city so diverse and beautiful. I sit and watch the ferries make their way to Bremerton, Bainbridge Island, or Poulsbo. The seagulls are dive-bombing into the water, looking for food. If I look real close, yes, I can see the fishmongers tossing some poor fish for the tourists. They love it—when you come to Seattle, it’s one of those things that everyone wants to see.
I wonder how long I’ll be in Seattle. Will Mattie send me away immediately? I spent the first five months after our breakup feeling horrible and guilty. These past four months have been about searching for and finally finding Mattie. In all the time I’ve looked for her, I’ve never really thought about Mattie’s rejecting me. I should have. Now that the reality is here, it might be too much for me to bear. I’ve loved her for so long, so completely, and with such passion, I simply won’t know what to do. I will fight for her—but if she makes a different choice, I will have to respect it.
I head back to the hospital the next morning. It’s early, around seven o’clock. No one is in the waiting area. Thank God. I want a little time to collect my thoughts. I need to be there for Mattie. I can’t imagine what she’s going through.
Wednesday
Mattie
One of the nurses—I’ve learned her name is Becca—comes in to take my blood pressure. I ask her when I can go home. She smiles and pats my arm. “All in good time, my pretty.” I’m trying to remember where I’ve heard that expression—and I think it’s from
The Wizard of Oz
. Was she quoting from the Wicked Witch? That’s all I need!
She says, “There’s a very handsome man waiting for you out there. He thinks you aren’t ready for visitors. What do you think? Can I send him in?”
I ask, “Is he a drop-dead-gorgeous guy with tattoos?”
She smiles. “Oh, Lordy, how did you know?”
I smile. “Yes, send him in.”
I know before I even start the conversation with Cade that it will be the most difficult one of my entire life. I have to tell him everything. He needs to know the truth. He enters the door and gives me a big smile. I love his smile—it makes me melt.
He approaches the bed and looks at me cautiously. “Can I sit on the side of your bed?” He wants to get closer.
“Sure, have a seat.” I pat the bed next to me. Cade sits down carefully. We just look at each other. He reaches for my hand, and I let him hold it. We are going to need to hold each other after this is all over.