Intentions - SF9 (15 page)

"So that's why you acted like you didn't know I existed?" Ryan asked.

"Yep. But I heard you talking to one of the other trainers about going out with Shelly Sterns, and I knew you needed some advice. That woman had run through every lesbian in the city, and I knew you were headed for trouble if you started hanging out in her crowd. So I asked if you knew how to have safer sex and when you confessed your abject ignorance, I knew I had to instruct you."

"But why did you…?"

"Show you in person?" she asked with a wink.

"Yeah."

"Well, I am only human, Ryan," she laughed. "I decided to listen to my sponsor and not fall in love with you, but you were so willing, and beautiful and ripe…just like a luscious peach waiting to be picked." She shook her head a little as she shot Jamie an embarrassed glance and said, "Sorry, I got carried away."

"It's okay," she said easily. "It happens to me on a daily basis."

"Anyway," Ally continued, "I let my lust get the better of me, and I showed this innocent young thing how to have a very good time without putting herself at risk. Ooh, she was such a good student that I had to fight valiantly not to fall in love with her." She turned to Ryan and said earnestly, "That's why I couldn't see you very often, Ryan, and why I didn't let you get to know me very well. I knew I was risking my sobriety every time we were together, but I just couldn't stop!"

"I thought you just didn't want to see me that often," Ryan said softly.

"No, far from it," Ally insisted. "It was only this past year that I came to terms with the fact that I had begun to use sex just like I had used alcohol and drugs. That's why I decided to stop sleeping with you, Ryan. I knew we shouldn't be together, but I also knew that I wouldn't look for another woman if I knew I could have you whenever I needed you, so I decided to go cold turkey."

"Was that hard for you?" Jamie asked sympathetically, wondering how one could voluntarily stop seeing someone as wonderful as her partner.

"It was nearly as hard as when I stopped drinking," she acknowledged softly. "But it really has been for the best for both of us. I can see how happy Ryan is with you, Jamie. And I think I have a chance to build a relationship with Ellen. I think it's worked out for the best."

"It certainly has for me," Jamie said as she gave her partner a squeeze.

Ryan was still shaking her head as she commented, "I just never knew you felt like that about me. I wish I had known," she said sadly.

"That would not have been a good idea, Ryan. I knew that you were interested in me, and I couldn't have stood my ground if you had tried to convince me to get closer. I just couldn't risk it. You're not an addict, Ryan. You don't know how powerful the pull is."

"Do you really think I appealed to your most broken self?" Ryan asked, a confused and slightly hurt look on her face.

Ally blushed again. Jamie took her cue from the look on her face and said, "I'm going to get dessert ready." When Ryan started to stand, she pushed her down easily by just resting a hand on her shoulder. "You two stay and chat. I'll be back in a few."

Ally smiled at her departing form and said, "She's special."

"I know that," Ryan agreed. "I thank God every day for bringing her into my life."

Ally looked at her for a minute and said, "This is a little hard to explain, Ryan. You were not bad for me, in general. The real problem is that I'm trying hard to give up my need to control my partner in bed. I don't know if I could have done that with you," she said softly as she stared at the floor. "Our personalities just fit together too well."

Ryan pursed her lips and furrowed her brow, trying to understand Ally's statement. The larger woman came over to sit next to Ryan on the sofa, then lifted her hand and brushed her thumb down Ryan's pink cheek as she said, "I've told you that I was sexually abused by my brother." Ryan nodded slowly as Ally continued. "He was a few years older, and he overpowered me--not so much by force as by his presence and his personality. I found myself acting that out with you almost immediately. And there was a very big part of me that was afraid those urges would get worse over time. I've been fighting the need to physically dominate women, and I don't know if I could have fought it with you. There's something about you that just makes me want to own you," she said softly as she bent down to place a very tender kiss on Ryan's lips. "You're just too tempting, my little peach."

Ryan rested her head on her friend's shoulder as she took in a deep breath. "I'm glad you told me, Ally. I've always been a little insecure about why you didn't want to get closer. There was a part of me that thought you just didn't like me enough."

"Nothing could be further from the truth," she whispered, gathering her in her arms for a tender hug. "I love you, Ryan, and I always will. But I want you to be with someone who can love you for yourself, without the echoes of the past invading constantly."

"I'm so glad you told me," she sniffed as she tried to stifle her tears.

Ally grabbed a tissue and gently wiped the tears that threatened to escape from Ryan's red-rimmed eyes. "It's okay, Sugar," she said softly as she patted her back. "It's okay."

Jamie could hear nothing but low voices coming from the parlor, and she knew that if Ryan wanted her to come back she would appear in the kitchen, so she busied herself making a very attractive platter of cheese and fruit. She was in the middle of brewing espresso when she felt herself being enveloped in a warm hug. "Thank you," Ryan whispered as she leaned over her.

"For what?" Jamie asked as she turned in her lover's embrace.

"For inviting her, for asking her all of those questions, for being my lover, for putting up with me when I'm cranky, and for being the prettiest girl in the whole Bay Area."

"Most of those things are part of the job description, Love. And I think you're a little biased about the prettiest girl thing."

"I am biased," Ryan admitted. "But I still think you're the most wonderful woman in the world."

It was quite late when Ally finally said goodbye. Jamie accepted a hug, but when Ally turned to Ryan the smaller woman suggested, "Honey, why don't you walk Ally out to her car?"

Ryan shot her a grateful look as she escorted her friend to the street. "She seems like a very understanding woman," Ally said, grasping Ryan's hand.

"She is that," Ryan said fondly. "And given my past, she has reason to be insanely jealous. But she seems more interested in my past than suspicious of it. Like tonight. I thought she wanted to know more about you, but I think she really wanted to know more about me."

"Well I think you did very well for yourself. I hope you bring each other a lot of happiness."

"We do," Ryan agreed. "We really do."

"I just find one thing kind of funny," Ally said as she folded her long frame into her small car. She looked up at Ryan with a grin and revealed, "I think it's cute that such a little woman can top you so easily."

"Hey!" Ryan complained good-naturedly. "I told you-I am not a bottom!"

"Keep dreaming, Sugar. But I will let you in on a little secret," she said as Ryan leaned down into her open window. "The fact that you don't recognize it is what makes it so darned cute!"

For the final time that night, Ryan blushed deeply as she shook her head and smiled down at her friend. "You keep in touch, Big Girl," she said fondly as she leaned in for a kiss.

"I will. Take care of your precious self." She gave Ryan one final broad smile and a little wave as she drove off down the dark street.

When Ryan came back in the house, she stood behind her partner at the sink and wrapped her arms around her tightly. Jamie didn't speak, didn't ask her why she was nearly squeezing the breath out of her…since she had a fairly good idea. Drying her hands quickly, she leaned her head back against her partner and stroked her bare arms for a few moments.

"Thanks," Ryan said softly, after a long time had passed.

Turning in her embrace, Jamie just looked up at her and said, "You're welcome, Sweetheart." She ran her hands through Ryan's hair, tossing it behind her shoulders and fluffing the bangs. "You had a pretty tough night, didn't you?"

With a ghost of a smile, Ryan nodded, pleased that Jamie seemed to understand that the discussion with Ally had taken a lot out of her. "How about you? Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm great," Jamie said sincerely. "I learned a lot about Ally, and, more importantly, a lot about you."

"I learned a lot, too," Ryan agreed. "I guess I feel better…but I feel a little raw, you know?"

"Yes, I know," she soothed. "Why don't we go to bed now? We can finish cleaning up in the morning."

Ryan looked around suspiciously, her eyes wide as she said, "You don't think Da can see dirty dishes from Noe, do you? He'd rather we leave the front door open all night than leave the kitchen dirty."

"You look like you need some hugs," Jamie declared, taking her partner's hand. "Sometimes hugs are more important than anything else…even something as vital as a clean kitchen." She gripped the tip of Ryan's nose between her thumb and index finger and gave it a gentle tug. "That'll be our little secret, Sweetie. We'll never admit that we broke the cardinal rule of the O'Flaherty family."

When Jamie came out of the bath, Ryan was in the process of unlacing her boots. She kicked them off and stood to unbuckle her belt, with Jamie watching her out of the corner of her eye as she went to get a T-shirt for herself from the dresser. The jeans fell to the floor, and Ryan bent over to pick them up, showing off her cute little butt to Jamie's appreciative eyes. The taller woman hooked her thumbs into her shorts to peel them off, but Jamie came up behind her and placed a hand on her arm. "Leave 'em," she said softly, meeting Ryan's surprised eyes.

The full, pink lips curled into a grin, blue eyes sparking interest as her voice dropped a little and she said, "All right."

Jamie pushed her back onto the bed and crawled up next to her, resting her head on Ryan's chest. The dark woman still wore her sports bra and sleeveless black T-shirt, and Jamie decided to leave both garments on her for the time being. She pulled the shirt up just enough to be able to reach her hand inside the shorts and begin to rub gentle circles on Ryan's belly. "I don't think of you with other women much," she said. "I used to," she added with a chuckle, "but I don't anymore."

"Tell me about the used to part," Ryan asked, loving it when her partner talked about the beginnings of her sexual desire for her.

Jamie laughed softly, her fingers never ceasing their gentle stroking. "We had a few pretty intense discussions when I was with Jack," she reminded her. "Especially when I got comfortable enough to tell you how bad things were with him sexually."

"Yeah…" Ryan said, urging her on.

"Yeah…we had a really uh…intense discussion when I was down at my parents'…I guess it was Thanksgiving…or maybe Christmas…"

"Thanksgiving," Ryan said emphatically. "We went for a bike ride and we stopped at a picnic table and started talking about sex." Her eyebrows popped a few times as she said, "It was fun."

Jamie sat up just enough to be able to face her, then asked, "Were you…um…did you think…did you…um…what do you mean, fun?"

"Not that kinda fun," Ryan smiled. "I didn't allow myself to consciously think of you in a sexual manner back then. But even though my mind didn't participate, I think my body was reacting to you." She smiled gently and said, "It was a long ride home."

"Oooh," Jamie smiled as her hand slipped out of the shorts and came to rest between Ryan's legs. She gave her a gentle pat and asked, "Got your motor running, huh?"

"Yep. I got home, stripped, and climbed into bed without even taking a shower." She gave her partner a rakish grin and added, "I had myself good that day."

Jamie smiled at her choice of words and echoed them. "I had myself, too," she admitted. "We'd been talking about oral sex, and I had this image that I could not banish from my brain. I saw you, on your back, with some unspecified woman between your legs, loving you with her mouth." She shivered violently as she recalled the image, still clear in her mind. "I could just feel what you were feeling as she licked and nibbled on you-thanks to your excellent powers of description, I might add," she said, patting Ryan's belly.

"I hadn't thought about the woman that introduced me to oral sex in the longest time," Ryan smiled. "But she had me again that afternoon." She chuckled low in her chest as she added, "She'd gotten even better over the years."

"I just bet she did," Jamie smiled. "Anyway, back to my original point. I don't often think of you with someone else, but when Ally was talking about how you were when she was with you the first time, I started to get excited."

"Really?" Ryan smiled, rolling onto her side to see her partner more fully.

"Really. I had this image of you…all cute and innocent and naïve…lying in Ally's bed while she uh…played with you." A very becoming blush stole across her cheeks, and Ryan had a need to find out what was behind it.

Ryan's voice grew low and took on a very sexy timbre. "What did you imagine her doing to me, Babe? Be specific," she added, nudging her partner with her hip.

"Mmm…I don't think I can," Jamie said. "I don't really know what you two did together…and I don't really know how it would be to um…use things on each other…so I just had this mmm…I don't know," she said, sighing heavily.