Interrupted (The Progress Series) (25 page)

As he put one leg into his jeans, he leaned over and Charlie saw a new tattoo—one she hadn’t remembered from her time with him before. She tried to concentrate on it, but with his constant movement she couldn’t make out what it was. He was balancing to insert his other leg and had to bend over again. That time she saw it, unmistakably: a frog, being dissected. All of its limbs were pinned down and spread open. There was a cut from the frog’s throat to its groin where its skin peeled back that mimicked Jesse’s scar tissue. Mechanical gears replaced its internal organs.

*

I was wrong.

This was always about revenge.

*

She gathered her wits and tried to stand. The tearing pain of sex had her back down to her knees instantly. Not realizing how boorish he had been with her, she now felt violated but tried to keep a firm expression. She failed; her jaw clenched as she closed her eyes. She felt his arm around her and opened her eyes in shock.

“Stand up,” he said forcefully.

“I’m fine, I got it,” she said.

She began putting on her pants and tried to make sense of her ripped tank top. Her shredded underpants remained on the floor.

He stood and stared at her with a complex array of emotions covering his face, constantly changing. He was struggling with something but he wasn’t speaking. It was clear he was conflicted, but Charlie had no idea why.

“What, Jess? You don’t need to say anything, I remember how this game works. Besides, you’ve done what you came here to do. You sought your vengeance and you’ve earned it. It’s yours,” she said, trying to put on her shoes.

“Are you okay?” he asked, trying to keep indifference about him.

“You’ve completely fucked me over.” She paused because she still couldn’t understand the look on his face. “Which is exactly what you came here to do to me tonight, wasn’t it? I understand. I get it. It’s done.”
And I deserve it.

He continued to stand in a defensive pose, but dropped his shoulders twice, like he was about to say something.

“Tell me you were wrong,” he finally said.

“What?”

“When you left me that night. Tell me you were wrong,” he repeated.

“You need to stop being so angry. Why is this useful to you? How does carrying this on your shoulders make you better? You must be…exhausted, Jess.”

“Shut up and tell me you were wrong!”

“Fine! That night was the best mistake I’ve ever made! So just move on. Go on to the next girl and collect another fucking tattoo to show for all the innocent girls who have wronged you,” she screamed.

His defensive posture remained and his eyes darkened as they focused on the chain around her neck. Her small silver teddy bear was exposed.

She looked down and quickly shoved it back underneath her shirt.

“One call, Charlie. That’s all I need to make. One fucking call, and you’ll lose your job. Your home. And your precious little fiancé.”

Charlie’s face turned down as her breath caught. “I knew it.”

“Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it?” he said, putting his hands in his pockets with a shrug.

Fighting tears, fighting rage, she held her breath. “I know that’s not how you really feel about me. I can see it in your eyes.”

*

“There’s the door. I’m sure you can find your own way out,” he whispered.

Charlie had never felt so low in her life. Within a week, she went from being on top of the world to becoming a cheater, a cliché, someone she wouldn’t want to know or be friends with. Temptation had gotten the best of her, and now she was filthy, smutty, and rotten. On top of loathing herself for what she had done, her self-esteem plummeted about her image. Feeling fat again, ugly and gruesome, she had gone from a safe and content existence to being the most dramatic and detestable person she knew.

She threw herself on the couch, opened a box of cookies and two different bags of chips. Uncorking a bottle of wine, she began consuming everything she could. She tried filling the voids that were roaming her insides. First it was her heart that felt empty, then her stomach. After two glasses of wine, she felt her mind slipping as well, not making sense of anything anymore.

She tried watching television. After flipping through all the channels, she opted for silence. The only thing she could hear was her own crunching and the voice in her head telling her how despicable she was.

Once fatigue set in, she pulled a blanket over her on the couch and drifted asleep.

*

Jesse stayed awake the rest of the night. After a trip to the liquor store, he returned to his apartment an hour later to find her still gone. He sat in his chair with
Progress
playing on a loop. He drank several glasses of whiskey and read the letter that had slipped out of her purse at the park. The letter was dated from three days after the first time they had sex.

Dear Jess,

I haven’t decided whether or not I’ll give you this letter, but I’m going to write it with the intention of you reading it someday.

I hate not being able to be honest with you. But I’m way too defensive, needy and prideful where you’re concerned. I’ve reached this point where I plan the things I want to say to you. But of course the subject of “us” is always brushed under the rug and saved for another day, another time, when we’ll both be ready to face it.

I’ve decided that day will never come.

I don’t regret that night, and I’m sorry if you do. And I’m sorry if you were ever disappointed. I’m not as experienced as, well, you. But I need you in my life. I need you as my friend. Who knows? Maybe the sexual tension will finally pass now that the mystery is over. I’ll understand if it’s too weird for you, but I’m kind of addicted to you. To “us.” I’ve been pretty miserable for the past few days, not knowing what you’re thinking, not being able to ask you, not being able to see you.

I know we’re not in love with each other. But I don’t think, even twenty years from now, I could ever stop adoring you.

There’s something about your mixed messages that had kept me at your beck and call. It probably freaks you out that I’ve thought about you for so long, and so hard. I had been trying to put all the pieces together, but it’s like a god damned never-ending jigsaw puzzle that just keeps accumulating in my head. It’s starting to overflow out my ears.

I left you that night for a few reasons. I had been thinking so much about myself and how you made me feel, that I hadn’t taken into consideration whether or not “you and I” should happen at all. When you asked me to stay, well, let’s just say that was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I couldn’t stay. I feared the rejection you might give me the next morning with a change of heart. I feared what would happen if I let myself fall in love with you. But most of all, I feared for you. You’re not ready for what I need. And I certainly don’t have the understanding or patience for your moods. I am not right for you. God, I wish I was. I wish I was everything you wanted and needed me to be. I long for a fairytale ending, a dark knight on a white horse, a happily ever after. But with you, I just can’t do it. I couldn’t let myself be a part of that night anymore. Everything had been perfect, and I needed to leave before you crushed it for me.

The bottom line is…I can’t be the person you deserve. I know I’m sassy, sarcastic, foxy, feisty, and about a dozen other adorable words you choose to describe me. But that’s not enough. That’s all superficial bullshit. You need someone better than me. She needs to be patient, kind, forgiving, less defensive. You need someone who doesn’t hold your words against you. Someone who can understand and relate to your mind. With time, I can see a relationship between the two of us chipping away at all the things I love about us now. Slowly shredding it until there’s nothing left.

Walking away seemed like the best thing to do at the time. But there isn’t a minute of the day I don’t wish I had made a different choice.

I’m tired, Jess. I’m exhausted from the game we play. I need the truth. If you can’t give me that, then I don’t want to hear anything else you have to say.

Please, just tell me how you feel.

-Charlie

*

Saturday

Charlie woke to Samuel hovering over her. She shot up and felt a headache rush up. She plopped back down and covered her eyes.

"What time is it?” she asked.

“Almost noon. I had to call my mom to come get me at the airport. What’s going on?”

She rolled over on the couch, gripping her stomach as she recalled the events of the night before.

“Oh, Sam.” She curled up and began to unload painful cries into the pillow.

Samuel wrapped his arms around her and set his head on her back.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” he asked.

She sat up abruptly. “Don’t touch me.”

He stood up and took a step backward. “Jesus, Charlie. What did I do?”

“Oh, god. Nothing,” she said between gasps. “You didn’t do anything wrong,”

“Babe. Talk to me.”

“No. You need to leave. Go, stay with Gabe for a while. Or your mom.”

“Charlie. No. I want to be here with you.”

“Just go! You’re going to be pissed off at yourself if you stay.”

Disoriented, he was still unable to understand.

“This isn’t like you at all, Charlie.” He scratched the back of his head. “But, okay. I’ll go if you need me to.”

After gathering a few clean clothes from the bedroom, Sam bent over and kissed her cheek. “I love you,” he said.

She heard the door shut and lock.

Her tears began again. She covered herself with the blanket and fell back asleep.

“Big day today!” Roxanne said, walking into the office on Monday morning.

“What do you mean?” Charlie asked.

“Oh honey, you look horrible! Bad weekend?”

“Yeah. Bad weekend. What did you mean, ‘big day?’”

“Oh! The storm. We’re supposed to get over a foot. I hope you brought boots, we’ll be out there all day,” Roxanne said.

“Right, the storm. I forgot. I’ll have to run back to my apartment and get some gear. Did you okay your overtime with Robin?” asked Charlie.

“Yep. Snow is snow. We can’t have the residents slipping out there.”

Charlie agreed. “When is it supposed to start?”

“Any minute now. Just last week it was sunny and warm. Tell me again why we live in this state?” Roxanne asked rhetorically while peering out the window at the clouds.

As the wet and heavy snow fell, Roxanne and Charlie discussed future events they could plan for the residents, which apartments would be moving out at the end of the month, and their game plan to get them all clean in time for new residents to move in. At lunchtime, Charlie went out and got the two of them fast food.

“So, are you going to tell me what was going on the other day with two-oh-nine?” Roxanne said while munching on her French fries.

“Oh Roxanne, I am so sorry about that. He’s been a bit of a problem in the past week. It’s a really long story, but I promise I’m on top of it. I assure you we won’t be having any more issues with him,” Charlie said, trying to remain professional as a lump gathered in her throat.

“Yeah, it looked like the two of you were getting pretty cozy.”

“For lack of a better term, he’s my ex. I don’t know what kind of impression I gave him, but he was under the assumption that what you saw was acceptable. I have since spoken with him and it’s been made clear that his behavior was distasteful and unwelcomed.” Charlie tried to stay calm and authoritative, executing her words wisely and not believing a word coming out of her own mouth.

“Oh, I don’t know, if it was me I would welcome the hell out of him,” Roxanne said.

Charlie had to keep her burger from flying out of her mouth as a result of her immediate laughter. She covered her mouth and giggled silly.

Her throat gathered a lump as guilt rapidly absorbed her body.
I’m laughing. I’m having a good time. I shouldn’t be allowed. I should be feeling horrible right now. Samuel is suffering because of what I did to him, because I’m pretty sure he’s figured it out by now. Jesse has been so angry with me for so long. Maybe
I am
a monster.

Her smile gone, she fixed herself on work. “Okay, so after lunch we’ll go out and shovel the walkways and steps, okay? I’m not sure when the plows are going to get here, but make sure you get rid of any snow within a foot of the curbs, too. You can put some salt down. Then, we’ll come back here and wait for another hour or two and hit the steps again. Sound good?”

“Sounds like a plan! Make sure you get on different boots. Oh, and grab some gloves, a hat, and a scarf while you’re at it. I’m surprised at how cold it is out there,” Roxanne said.

“Oh Roxanne, what would I do without you?”

“Hey, grab a board game or two if you have any. If we’re going to be here all night, we might as well have some fun!” Roxanne said.