Into His Keeping (17 page)

Since Jill, he’d spent the first Saturday night in June alone because he couldn’t forget. Every single year. He’d tried to ignore it several times but realized that was impossible. Those had been the darkest nights of his life. The first few years his drive to remain visible so she could find him had kept the demons at bay and he’d spent the entire night working his body past exhaustion in his private hell, the gym, either on the ranch or wherever he was. The last eight years had been worse. He’d lost a little more hope with each passing June. But he couldn’t escape his memories. Especially that night.

“Do you remember what I asked you then?” she wanted to know.

“Yes.” He couldn’t keep pain out of his voice. The gloom surrounding them was nothing compared to where he’d been with the memory she focused on now.

“Aw, Holdin.” Her fingers petted his cheek. He couldn’t raise his head from them. “I asked you to love me enough to allow me the pain of loving you. I’d have been a virgin for the rest of my life if it were up to you.” She was smiling again, her soft voice overflowing with amusement.

“Well, probably not the rest of your life.” Holden kissed her palm then lifted his head to smile with her. “As I recall, I had a plan to take care of that.”

“Mmm,” Jill agreed with him, and they were quiet again for a long while.

Holdin thought she’d gone to sleep. Her little body was still beneath the sheet and her hand rested lightly in his. Out in the hall footsteps squeaked by and hospital employees spoke in what seemed like loud voices.

Then very softly her voice curled around him again. “I think that’s my favorite memory. I’ve missed it. Have you thought of it over the years? It’d seem sad if you haven’t. Like it was abandoned. As lost in nothingness as I was.”

“God, Jill,” Holdin groaned. “I’ve never forgotten one moment with you.”

“But that night, that particular moment in our time together. Have you remembered? Have you ever held me again like you did then?” Jill whispered. Her voice trembled and a single tear slipped down her cheek.

How did he tell her? What words did one use to express a pain so deep it had almost robbed him of life? She wanted to know if he’d ever held her again like he did that long-ago night. Had he ever stopped?

He tried to keep the ragged torture out of his voice. “Jilly-girl, every single year, the first Saturday night in June since the one you gave me, I’ve spent with you. Only you.” He was watching her face. The track of that one tear was a glittering silver ribbon as her lashes lifted slowly.

They looked into each other’s souls for a long moment and then she smiled a tiny, sad little smile that understood what he couldn’t find the words to say. “Thank you, Holdin. I would have been lonely without you keeping me alive.”

“Every moment we had is mine, Jilly-girl. I never gave them up. Not to time, not to distance, not to silence. I never let you go and you were never alone.”

Her eyes had drifted shut again but her hand tightened on his. “You were though.”

“No. I had you. Not like…” Holdin stopped. He’d been about to say not like she’d been alone. Completely alone. Not even a memory of someone loving her. Not like she might be if tomorrow night she didn’t remember her past again. “It’s never going to be like that again. Even if you don’t remember, I will, Jilly-girl. I’ll be here this time. You will never be lost again.”

“I know. You’re a good man, Holdin.” Her voice was a whisper.

“Now might be a good time to tell me your real name, Jilly-girl,” Holdin suggested as softly as she’d spoken.

Jill sighed and her eyes opened. “I suppose it would. You know I told you my father was running from bad guys? He was, but he was protecting me. I witnessed a crime. He was involved with them, that was his business. He never meant for me to be involved. It was an accident that I saw what I did. They gave him a choice. Kill me or hand me over to them. Dad couldn’t exactly go to the cops.” Jill sighed again. “So I’d like my name to stay Jill. Do you understand?”

“Damn it! Are you still in danger? Is Drifter in danger if they figure out who you are? And if you left because they’d tracked you two down back then, remaining Jill Smith as opposed to Jill Taylor is not exactly a cover.”

“I know. I haven’t had time to check if the players are still alive. They could already be in prison. I should have told you back then but I was afraid. I couldn’t give you up and I couldn’t fix the problem. So I ignored it. I still don’t know what to do about that. Coming to you was for Drifter. I never expected you to want me. Not like I wanted you. For me, our relationship was fresh, but I knew you’d lived in the here and now all these years. I couldn’t worry about that past. The present was too important. Our son’s future was all I could worry about.

“I was Carmella Capizzano, daughter of Stephan and Margo Capizzano.”

“So you’re my belladonna,” he drawled in a goofy Italian accent. They both chuckled for a moment. Then Holdin let the humor slip away. “All right, now you’ve told me. I’ll deal with that, baby. Don’t worry about it. There is something else I’ve wondered about over the years. You wouldn’t talk about your mother back then. Is there anything you’d like to tell me tonight?”

“She died right after I was born. I have no memory of her.” Jill smiled at him. “Now you know everything.”

Holdin kissed her hand as he looked into her face. “No. Not everything.”

Jill’s eyes closed and she breathed in deeply again. “I think I’ll go to sleep while you hold me on a warm June evening again. Take me there, Holdin…talk to me like we did then. Pretend for me a little.”

His voice was low and a little uneven with emotion, just as it had been that night. “Jilly-girl, come out to the foaling barn, I have something to show you.”

* * * * *

Fifteen years ago…

In the barn were two new foals. Sweet, fuzzy little creatures on spindly legs. They were all big eyes and adorable wobbles. Jill was enthralled as Holdin let her in a stall with the large mare and her new babies. Delicate little noses were soft as velvet and after a moment investigating the strangers, the babies became comfortable with them and let her pet them as they did what little horses do.

After twenty minutes, Holdin pulled her out of the stall. “I have something to show you,” he said again with his slow smile.

Jill was confused as she glanced back at the foals. Holdin steered her up to the loft and to the back. There was a blanket spread out and beside it, a clean bucket with a couple bottles of soda along with some bottled water.

They were kissing as they sank to the blanket. Hot and hard, they took from each other with open-mouthed greed. Jill moaned as they rolled and Holdin landed on top of her, giving her the heavy weight of him for a few minutes. She loved the feeling of him over her, surrounding her. The weight of him always turned up the excitement for her. It wasn’t that he crushed her, no, but he did firmly control her in this aggressive position.

His mouth sealed to hers, his tongue was deep inside her as his hips bore down on hers. Naturally her legs spread for him, wrapping around him to notch his erection directly over her already burning pussy.

Necking with Holdin was possibly the most exciting pastime this side of nirvana. He was so big and strong. His muscles flexed and strained above her as she petted him. Her hands were very busy pulling his shirt out of his jeans and skimming up his bare back. Holdin groaned into her mouth. The smooth rocking of his hips into the cradle of hers increased.

Nimble fingers went directly to the buttons of her blouse. He lifted his head long enough to shove it off her shoulders. The blouse fell open and soft, shuddering globes spilled over the top of the cheap bra. Holdin arched up, using the powerful muscles in his back to lift his torso so he could rip his shirt off over his head as his eyes feasted on her breasts.

“Finish it for me, Jilly-girl.” His hands landed on either side of her as he supported himself above her. “Take off the blouse and bra for me.”

Jill’s body clenched in excitement. She loved it when he did this. He’d stop and take control of the sexual frenzy. It wasn’t as if he stopped wanting her. It seemed he wanted her more. She could see it in his face. The way he became almost harsh as he held back the desperation was such a turn-on. He’d never broken under the pressure, never lost it again to return to the abandon that started their touching. He became more demanding and oh-so sexy as he showed her how much he loved her body.

It was his control that had allowed them to explore each other in slow detail. Their times together had become more intense as Holdin guided her, commanded and demanded she come for him over and over again. She loved touching him, making him groan in pleasure as her hands and mouth explored the hard planes and ridges of his body. Sometimes he let her do it for a long time.

Then he’d take command again. And, oh mercy, he knew her, knew her body and its responses. Mostly he’d taught her how she could respond. He always seemed to know what would drive her that little bit more crazy than she’d ever been before. Always guiding, controlling and demanding she feel more, experience more. But there was one thing Holdin was very firm on. They’d never included intercourse in lovemaking. His reason was simple. He’d have to hurt her to do it, especially the first time.

Jill smiled up at her lover and shrugged out of her blouse. That left the bra. Her hands cupped her breasts, caressing them as he watched. His jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed. Jill slowly unclasped the front closure of the bra and peeled the cups back.

“That’s my girl,” Holdin growled roughly as he dropped to his elbows so his hands could cup her. “Such a prefect handful you are.” His head swooped down and he roughly sucked a sensitive nipple deep into his mouth. Jill moaned and arched as he pinched and rolled the other nipple.

Holdin was always careful with her, but that didn’t mean he was gentle. Jill found the more demanding he became, the more intense the connection between them. His firm tugging on her sensitive breasts sent stars spinning down to her crotch. There his stiff erection ground into her through two sets of jeans. Her hips arched up a fraction more, inviting the stimulation. Jill moaned as he let her breast pop out of his mouth.

“Such a pretty baby. Look at you all red and swollen. Damn, I love your breasts.” He leaned in and licked around the nipple he’d been tormenting in his mouth. “We have got to get some of that edible oil. I wanna see these glistening,” he murmured as he watched himself stroke her other nipple from root to tip in a pull that stretched her.

“Holdin,” Jill moaned to get his attention back in the present.

“Patience, Jilly-girl.” He smiled as he shifted to his knees beside her. He knelt there, hands casually resting on his thighs, elbows pointed away from his body. The position emphasized the width of a very developed male chest and shoulders, outlining his torso as the lines undulated down to tight hips and then the hard mass of powerful thighs jutting out widely as he rested on his heels. “Shuck off the pants for me,” he commanded softly.

Jill stood and toed off her shoes then slowly unzipped her jeans. His command to strip for him wasn’t new, but it was one that swamped her with conflicting emotions. She felt shrinking shyness battling with screaming excitement. The shyness always lost the major battle and Jill did as he’d directed, but she couldn’t look at him as she did it.

Panting in short breaths to deal with this, she slid her hands down her hips, dragging panties and jeans off. Stepping out of them, she stood before him. Hands fidgeting in front of her, her legs slightly spread, she thrilled to the burn of his eyes moving over her as he knelt looking up. He should have looked like a supplicant at her feet but he didn’t. He was too hard and big, too perfect.

“Come here.” His voice was guttural, a low rumble of command that shot reaction through her lower abdomen.

Jill knew what he wanted. She stepped in front of him, placing her feet on either side of his thighs, spreading her legs for his inspection. Exposing herself to him sent a gushing spike of excitement and embarrassment through her. The intoxicating mix took her to an edge that balanced her between the conflicting emotions, yet it would be impossible to do anything else. Submitting to his intimate attention was emotionally binding for Jill. For Holdin she’d do anything, it seemed.

Big, rough hands glided up the backs of her legs to cup her bottom, squeezing gently as he pulled her hips forward. His mouth moved over her belly, licking, tasting, and gliding over the tremors his attention induced. He turned his cheek to rub the short, soft curls of her mound over it as his growls of pleasure surrounded them. He’d trimmed her there himself, showing her how he liked it. His intimate attention to the details of her body had been shocking at first but he’d explained it to her so well.