Into the Blackness (Blackness Series Book 4) (26 page)

I hang up and hurl the burner phone into the wall, shattering it to pieces before releasing a feral scream and collapsing in a heap on the floor. Having this soundproof room is a saving grace in this moment as my cacophonous sobs echo through the space.

The one thing I’ve wanted in life they just made dirty. Have a baby for the op? What kind of demented fucking shit is that? I feel sick to my stomach with rage and pain.

Nick. Fucking Nick. He starts that shit off telling me what Shane wants and then tells me after spending the day thinking it over it’s what he wants too. What woman in the world wants that? I’m not the most romantic person, but that was agonizing. If he had just come to me and told me he loved me and wanted a life with me I would have melted. I don’t need much. I haven’t asked him for shit. I just want real and happy. I don’t want to be a vessel for an op. I don’t want to be a convenient option.

I heard what Nick said. Those words were nice. They felt good until I remembered what precipitated them. It’s like Shane dared Nick to take the next step. I know I’m hurt and emotional right now and maybe I’ll see things clearer once the sorrow seeps away, but I’m fucking struggling right now. How could he do that to me if he loves me? If Jess told me to convince Nick to knock me up for the op, I would have told her to go fuck herself. I never would’ve asked Nick to sacrifice something so personal for an op. Never. Even if it’s what I wanted.

If I wanted that with Nick I would have just told him, without anyone telling me to. I would have led with that before anyone had the chance to try to convince me. I’m sure Nick wants me. I saw the love in his face as he spoke. He believes the things he said, but he fucked it up. I’m too heartbroken to see anything else right now.

I pull my gun out of the safe and attach the silencer. If I have to shoot him…I will and I don’t want to alarm the boys. I steady myself on my feet and brush away the last of my tears before opening the office. Nick is leaning against the wall across from me as I exit. His eyes widen when he sees the gun.

“Kat,” he whispers in astonishment.

“Don’t. If you come near me, I’ll put a bullet in you,” I seethe. “I can’t believe you just did that to me.”

I move past him into the bedroom, then the bathroom and stop in the dressing room. I pull on the same clothes I wore today as Nick hovers at the door deciding what to do.

“Please talk to me,” he pleads softly.

“You and Shane broke my fucking heart,” I say as tears spill over my lids, hot angry pain-filled tears.

“Kat, it came from a good place. I obviously didn’t do a good job of explaining it if you’re this upset.” He nods at the gun in my hand.

“Did Shane say he wanted you to get me pregnant for this op?” I demand.

“Yes, but—” I cut him off.

“See that’s where you fucked up, Nick. There’s no but in that conversation. I have nothing left. I’ve given the agency everything. Every single piece of me has gone to the DCA. And you know what? I gave it willingly. I love what I do. But it has a fucking limit. My reproductive life is where my goddamn limit is. I would
never
use a baby for an op. If you knew anything about me you’d know I would fucking die before I’d do that.

“And then you. Jesus Christ, I don’t even know what to say to you. You start off tellin’ me that shit about Shane and then tell me it’s what you’ve thought about all day and realize you want it too. How the fuck is that supposed to make me feel? It’s like you were standing on the edge of a cliff afraid to jump and Shane had to push you.”

“That’s not how it was,” he growls.

“Don’t fucking growl at me!” I shout.

“I’m tryin’ to keep my shit together. Give me a little latitude.”

I remain silent with a brow raised.

“Yes, it was Shane’s suggestion and no, I wasn’t thinkin’ about plannin’ a family seriously before he said it this morning. We already had sex and knew there was a risk of you gettin’ pregnant. We fuckin’ talked about this shit. I told you then I didn’t care if you ended up pregnant. I still don’t.”

“You’re movin’ between two things that have nothing to do with each other. If we get pregnant because we’re together and it just happens that’s one thing. Doin’ it intentionally for the op is another. The fact that you don’t see the difference is a fucking issue above and beyond the rest of this mess.”

“I don’t want this for the op,” he argues ardently.

“No? That’s not what it sounded like. It sounded like you found a way in on the op and decided it fit in with your plans so why not.”

“You’re twisting this shit in a way that it doesn’t need to be,” he grumbles.

“How the fuck would you see it from my point of view? Think about it for a minute. I find out that a person I thought was my best friend just asked my…whatever you are…‘boyfriend’ to get me pregnant for the op. That on its own is gut-wrenching. Then I find out I can use the baby to get out of the DCA because my friend doesn’t give a shit about me enough to just talk to me and let me know I deserve more on my own terms. Then my boyfriend has a convenient epiphany that he wants that whole life with me, baby and all. How would you feel? Would you feel loved and adored? Or would you feel dirty and used?”

“I don’t know,” he answers honestly.

“Well, I feel dirty and fuckin’ used. If you’d come to me tonight and said, ‘Kat I love you. I want a life with you. Let’s have a baby.’ I probably would’ve agreed. But knowing this whole thing originated with Shane and the op, I can’t see past it.”

“I meant what I said tonight. I understand why you’re hurt. I didn’t do this the right way, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I love you, Kat. I’m sorry I fucked this up. I’m really fuckin’ sorry,” he finishes in a wounded voice.

“I need a break. This is too much for me to process right now. I’m remaining on the op, but I gave Shane my resignation. I’m done after this. I’m gonna sleep in the guest room tonight. Tell the boys I’m sick when they ask. I’ll get my mask back on tomorrow, but not tonight. I can’t.”

I move past him, climb the stairs and lock myself in the guest room. I push my gun under my pillow and curl into a ball. I want to cry and sob, but I feel numb right now. I feel empty and lost. The DCA has been my home and now it’s my enemy. Game face on Kat. One last time.

Kat

I pull my aching body from the guest bed, hiding my weapon in the back of my pants beneath my fluffy sweater. I hurt everywhere, but it’s my heart that’s taken the brunt of the assault. So much for a good night’s sleep being the cure. My mother always used to tell me that and she was usually right, but she got this one wrong. I know better than to get emotionally involved. One, it’s against DCA protocol to become emotionally attached during an op. Two, I lost the two people I loved the most in life and had no control in those losses. I decided when I joined the DCA I would never experience grief like that in my life again. I naïvely believed I could do this, have Nick and the boys, and everything would be okay. I’m an idiot. No, it’s worse than that. I know better.

I plod down the stairs exhausted and embarrassed, realizing it’s early afternoon. I can do this. It’s just another op. I’m the best agent the DCA has ever had. I can play any character at any moment. Damn it, I can run circles around Nick Cooper. He’ll see.

I climb in the shower and scour away the anguish covering my body. This is it. The moment where I’ll be tested like I’ve never been before. Shane warned me about this when he inserted himself in my life. He told me one day I’d be on an op and I wouldn’t be trained for what I was going to face, that no training can prepare an agent for every scenario. I never thought it would be a moment like this. I thought it would be me fighting a ninja in a pitch-black room (What? It could happen). Instead, my test will be my broken heart and myself. I can do this. I will do this.

I can’t do this. The moment I enter the kitchen and the boys light up at the sight of me, I know. I can’t fucking do this. I feel the color leave my cheeks and my stomach rolls just like when a roller coaster is hovering at the edge of the big drop, only mine doesn’t stop at the bottom. Game face on Kat. Come on.

“Aunt Kay, you look rough,” Dane announces my grotesque appearance to the group. Nick is finishing making sandwiches for lunch while the boys look on from the breakfast bar.

“I’m still not feelin’ great,” I lie.

Jake furrows his brow but doesn’t comment. Instead, he climbs to his feet and presses his hand to my forehead.

“No fever. What’s wrong?” he questions sweetly, peering into my eyes with concern and searching for a lie.

“I hurt all over and I’m exhausted.”

Jake’s satisfied with my answer because he doesn’t find a lie. That’s because I wasn’t lying. If I’m going to pull through this op I’ll have to hone my lying to surpass Jake’s detection. He’ll be my greatest adversary. No, Jake’s not my opponent, he’s someone I love. I can’t have him in my life for long, this has an expiration date, but for now, he’s here and I love him.

I meet Nick’s fake chocolate eyes and offer him nothing. He’s hurt and I could give a shit because I’m completely demolished. Nick sees that in my face and remains the distance from me my gaze is demanding.

“Sunshine, why don’t you get back in bed? I’ve got the boys covered. Some rest should help.” His suggestion is more than his words appear to be on the surface.

“I’m gonna need more than a nap,” I grumble. Shit, that’s not what I would say. The boys look at me slightly confused at my attitude. “Sorry guys. I guess I could use a nap. I’ll come down once I feel better.”

With that, I trudge toward the stairs, leading me to the bed I’ve shared with Nick for months. This always felt like a safe place to fall. After what transpired in here last night, it feels like I’m willingly climbing back into a nightmare. I hate Nick and Shane for this. Absolutely. Fucking. Hate them.

“Don’t touch me!” I wake up yelling.

“It’s just me, Kat,” Jake’s soothing voice hovers at the edge of the bed. When I open my eyes his hands are in the universal don’t shoot pose and I feel like shit all over again.

“Sorry, Jake. I must’ve been having a nightmare,” I lie.

“Thought you didn’t get those anymore?” he questions the lie.

“Sometimes when I’m sick, I do.”

He believes this information. Again, it’s not a lie. I do get nightmares when I’m sick from time to time.

“You feelin’ any better?” he asks softly, sitting on the bed facing me.

“Not really.”

“Should we get you an appointment with the doctor?”

“I’ll be fine. It’s just a cold or flu. Nothin’ too big,” I finish off rubbing my neck to add to the effect I’m using with my voice.

“I’m sorry you’re sick. You want me to stay with you for a while? We could watch movies and I could rub your back.” He adds his dazzling smile to his kind words and I almost lose it. I can’t do this.

“As good as that sounds, I think I should just sleep some more. Is that okay?”

“Whatever you need is okay, Kat. I just wanted to offer what you’ve given me when I needed you.”

I use everything I have to steel myself against the emotions raging within me and offer Jake a small weary smile. He brushes a strand of hair from my face and stands up. I watch as he walks away and wait for him to shut the door with a soft click. Only then, do I shove my face in my pillow and sob like a baby.

I never knew. I had no idea I could love like this. My entire adult life I made sure I never ventured in this direction. It was unknown and scary as hell. I was right to fear it. I think I’m dying this hurts so badly. I love those boys like they’re my own and I’m not going to get to keep them. Nick made that clear last night with his shit. This is an op and we’re all just moving cogs within a large wheel. I need some distance from the five of them to get myself back in the game. Once my head’s right, I can do this. When my heart is less broken and functioning like it did only a few months ago, I can do this with ease.