Into the Deep 02 Out of the Shallows (26 page)

“So are you going to say anything ever again?” Andie asked patiently. She glanced at the clock on the mantel above her fireplace. “It’s been ten minutes.”

I eased back against her sofa. “I’m trying to put the right words together to apologize but I can’t. There are no right words. I’m sorry we argued. I’m sorry I chose Jake over you. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you for weeks. And I am beyond sorry that I couldn’t get unstuck from the quagmire I’ve found myself in since Jake… and everything… I’m sorry I didn’t get unstuck and brave and face you. I’m sorry I didn’t help you get through this.”

Andie placed coffee on the table in front of me before sitting back down on the armchair, her own mug clasped in her hands. She curled her feet underneath her and took a sip.

I waited for her to say something.

I’d been waiting for twenty minutes.

“Are you going to say anything now?”

She cocked her head to the side to study me. “What would you like me to say?”

“I don’t know. Anything.”

“You’re lying.”

I almost rolled my eyes. She was using her therapist voice. I refrained and nodded. “Okay, I admit it. I want you to forgive me.”

Time seemed to move slowly as I waited for Andie’s reply. She made me wait while she sipped her coffee until there was nothing left to sip. I waited while she leaned forward to place her empty mug on the table before slowly sitting back.

“Does this lengthy silence mean it’s irreparable?”

Andie’s expression turned curious at the question. “What’s irreparable?”

“The damage I’ve done to this family.”

She was silent so long, I feared we were about to sit through another twenty minutes of torturous quiet, but then her expression turned pained. “I knew it. I hoped I was wrong, but I knew it.”

“Knew what?”

“That the reason it’s taken you this long to turn up on my doorstep is because you’ve taken on the blame for this whole thing.”

Shocked, I said, “Don’t you blame me for this whole thing?”

Instead of answering my question, Andie leaned forward. “Is it true you took the LSATs? That you’re going to law school?”

I wasn’t there to discuss my future career. I was there to mend our relationship. “Andie—”

She held up a hand, cutting me off. “Law school?”

I sighed and reluctantly nodded. “Yes. Law school.”

“Last time we spoke, you’d decided to pursue the police academy. I want to know what changed.”

“Why are we talking about this?”

Andie raised an eyebrow at me. “Because it’s important.”

“An answer any time now would be good.”

I didn’t want to talk about my career or anything that wasn’t about Andie and repairing our relationship. This time was supposed to be about her. But I’d been sitting there for ten minutes trying to dodge the question.

I heaved another sigh. “I would think it was obvious.” When she made no reply, I continued, “Andie, you didn’t see what your accident did to Mom and Dad. They held it together but barely. They nearly lost you and it took its toll. It made them… fragile, vulnerable in a way I didn’t expect, in a way that scared me. I don’t ever want to put them through something like that again. You don’t know how relieved they were when I told them I wouldn’t pursue a career as a cop.”

I could tell by the look in her eyes that my sister understood, but there was something else there too. “And what about you? What about what you want? What about your happiness?”

“I’m not doing this out of martyrdom. I don’t want them to have to go through that again. I wanted to be a cop. But I need my family to be okay more. I’m compromising.” I leaned forward, hoping she could see the sincerity in my eyes. “It was hard to make that decision. And yes, I feel a little lost right now, but I don’t regret giving Mom and Dad peace of mind. Careers… they come and go, right? It’s the people in our lives who are important. So I’m okay with this decision.”

After a few moments, Andie nodded. “Okay.”

“I felt lost for a while after the accident,” Andie spoke up, breaking the silence.

I waited for her to elaborate.

“You said you feel lost.” She explained, “I’m just saying, I get it. Everything felt different after the accident. Mom and Dad were different. Even Rick. And you… you weren’t there at all. Was part of that because you feel lost?”

I nodded. “You’re a part of me. Like a limb. Like lungs. To be me, truly me, I need you in my life. It’s always going to be hard for me to find myself if you’re not in my life.” Emotion clawed at my chest. “I couldn’t move past the guilt and it changed me. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger.”

“I was mad at you,” she said. “Like I mentioned before, when I was in recovery, I was pretty scared. I’ve never been scared like that and that’s partly because I’ve always had this brave little sister in my life who somehow managed to make me feel safe.” She glanced away and I caught the shimmer in her eyes. “I was lost too and I was mad at you.”

I looked at my hands, trying to find the right words. “I don’t know how to make sense of why. I can try to explain…”

“I’m listening,” she prompted.

My stomach flipped as it all rushed me, all the reasons my life had spiraled out of control these last few months. It all tumbled out of my mouth, just like it had done with Jake. “I felt like I was being punished. Your accident, I felt like it was punishment for the way I treated you, for putting Jake before you. The guilt was just…” I sucked it up and for the next twenty minutes, I told her everything I’d confessed to Jake. My terror that Andie would die. My guilt, my bargain with God, the resentment, and then the paralysis when she woke up.

Andie was quiet for a while, scrutinizing me in that inner psychiatrist way of hers. She was so quiet, I was afraid I’d mucked up the explanation.

But then she said, “I stopped being mad at you pretty quickly during my recovery. I went back to worrying like I had been for the months we didn’t talk. Especially after Rick and Mom and Dad told me you were by my side more than anyone when I was in the coma. It hurt that you didn’t come around for my recovery or after, but I forgive you for that, Charley. I forgave you months ago.”

Once the little niggle of resentment I’d been feeling over Andie’s confession was swamped by the relief that she’d forgiven me, I asked calmly, “If you forgave me, why didn’t
you
come to see
me
?”

Andie gave me her
I’m smarter than you
look that always drove me crazy. “Because of who you are. Everything you just told me, with the exception of your pact with God, I already guessed. Mom and Dad told me about law school and I knew that this whole thing had to be impacted by that. I know you better than anyone, maybe even better than you know yourself. And I knew that if I made the first move, you’d hold on to your guilt until your fingers bled. You needed to be the one to push past it, to be brave like always, and come to me first. It was the only way you’d feel okay about yourself.”

I shook my head. “You say you forgive me, but we both know I still should’ve been here.”

“How could you have been? You were in another country.”

“I wasn’t even here emotionally, though,” I insisted, a part of me needing her to be mad at me to substantiate my own self-reproach.

“Charley, why do you always need to save people? Who you are is going to crush you unless you learn to ease up on yourself. You can’t control fate. You can’t save everyone.”

“But I shouldn’t have put Jake before you. I shouldn’t have treated you like that. Surely you agree I’m to blame for that?”

“No, I don’t.” Andie shook her head stubbornly. “About two weeks after that telephone conversation, Rick and I got into a big argument about it. I’d been snapping at him for every little thing because I was pissed at you. Finally he’d had enough and told me that I was partly to blame for my argument with you.” She laughed softly. “And you know that pissed me off even more because I knew he was right.” Andie leaned forward, her expression sincere. “Charley, I should never have put you in that position. I was living in the past. I was scared Jake was going to hurt you like he did before. When he left last time, I came back to this kid who wasn’t my sister and it scared me shitless. And not just for you but selfishly for me, too. I’ve always needed you to be strong and brave, and when Jake left you, I suddenly realized you were mortal, just like the rest of us.”

Stunned, my voice was husky with emotion. “I never knew you felt that way.”

“Because it sounds silly. I’m a grown-up. We’re supposed to stop hero-worshipping and putting people up on pedestals after the age of ten. But you bounced back from Jake, and yeah, you were different, but you were strong still and you were my sister again. I just didn’t want to lose that. So I pushed my opinion on you and I let Dad’s overprotectiveness about the whole thing fuel my opinion and somewhere along the line, I forgot to trust you. Our argument was my fault. You shouldn’t have handled it the way you did but I shouldn’t have tried to make you choose between the people you love. It put you in an impossible position, Charley. I told Dad that too.” She smiled. “I think he may even have listened. So if Jake is the guy for you, I promise I’ll support you on it. I promise I’ll trust you.”