(in)visible (3 page)

He shook his head and laughed. “I’ll risk it.”

As soon as he started guiding me, heads started to turn. Something weird was happening. People were noticing me. They saw me every day, but I was like the walls and furniture. I didn’t get a second look. Now they were really seeing me and I didn’t know how I felt about that. “I don’t know if I like all the looks you’re getting,” he said.

“Are you sure they’re not looking at you? Making sure you’re not insane?” We stopped dancing for a second and he looked me in the eyes. All joking was gone.

“You really don’t know how incredible you look, do you?” His words were melting me and it was too much to handle. I pulled away.

“I need to go. I’m sorry. You’re really nice, but I can’t...I just...I’m sorry,” I stammered as I made my way to the hallway. He didn’t try to follow and I was glad. I needed to catch my breath. I thought I had the hall to myself until I saw Logan sitting on the ground, leaning against the lockers.

“We were supposed to grow up and get married. Do you remember that, Eggy?” My heart squeezed when he used his nickname for me. I hadn’t heard it since we were kids. “I was going to marry you so I could be Noah’s brother.” He laughed a bitter laugh. This night just kept getting weirder and weirder.

“You’re drunk,” I said bluntly, not really caring about how I sounded.

“Probably, but the strange thing is that I’m seeing a few things more clearly than I have in so long.” His words left me speechless for a moment. At this point I knew there was no good place to hide, so I headed back into the gym and back behind the refreshment table. Jake caught my eye and gave me a nod once he saw me, but he didn't make an attempt to talk to me again. I didn't see Logan again either. I was thankful that the night wrapped up quietly. I grabbed my coat and took off before anything or anyone could stop me.

When I pulled into the driveway I could hear an all too familiar sound- my parents in a screaming match. I was in no mood to be caught in the middle, so I headed to the only other place I could think of- the coffee shop. Mark and Betsy both shot me a disappointed look as soon as they saw me walk in. “Meg, this is your night off. We shouldn’t be seeing your face.”

“Are you tired of my face?” I jokingly asked. I knew they worried about me and my lack of a social life.

“We’re tired of your face not being engaged in stupid teenage behavior.”

“Can I just say in my defense that I have had one of the weirdest nights on record?”

“It’s dead in here. Entertain us with details,” Mark said as he cleaned out the bakery case.

“I think I was hit on.” Even as I said it, I had to mentally go over the details to convince myself that it really had happened. Mark and Betsy both stopped what they were doing and stared at me in shocked silence.

“Details!” Mark reminded me. I went over the events of the night and got a little worried at the huge grin Betsy wore during my story.

“Someone likes our girl. See what happens once you stop hiding behind tent clothes?” Betsy had been telling me to start dressing like a girl for months, and I ignored her each time.

“Whatever,” I said as I rolled my eyes. “It’s the Logan part that bothers me most.” I sighed and settled back on the sofa we were all sitting on. There was no one in the shop and they had considered closing up early, but that all changed when a few cars pulled into the lot.

Blaine walked in with an entourage surrounding her. I scanned the crowd for Logan, but he was no where to be seen. “This is no good. I’m going to get out of here,” I said as I tried to sneak out of sight, but it was too late. She was walking my way.

“Don’t you belong behind the counter?” She asked with a hand on her hip.

“It’s my night off.” I tried to sound neutral, but it was difficult.

“Good. The drink you made me last time sucked.” She smirked and looked at her friends. They all shared a laugh at my expense. I could see Mark and Betsy sitting on the edge of the couch, ready to pounce if necessary. “Did you bring Logan back with you? Seems he’s lowered his standards quite a bit,” she said with a sarcastic laugh. I was done here.

“Look, I don’t know what your problem is, but you really should leave.” I stood my ground and looked her in the eyes. I could have sworn I caught one of the girls behind her smiling at my bravado. I had nothing to prove here, and I wasn’t one of her sheep- begging for acceptance.

“You’re my problem,” she snapped, taking a step closer. I didn’t back down. “You come along and think you can move in on someone else’s boyfriend?” I could not hold back the eye roll I gave her.

“Logan? This is about him? Just for the record, you might want to make it clear to him that he’s your boyfriend. He’s all yours, and if you knew him, or
anything
about him, you would know that I don’t really want anything to do with him.” Everyone’s eyes shifted to the door when I said it and I looked to see what they were all staring at. During my rant, Logan had entered the shop. The expression on his face made me cringe. What I said had hurt him. He composed himself quickly and made his way over to us. He grabbed Blaine by the hand and pulled her out of the shop without a single word. Her entourage looked at one another and whispered back and forth. I decided this was a good time to give Mark and Betsy a hug and make my exit, hardly being noticed at all.

6

The scream fest was over once I got home. I peeled my party dress off and slipped into my pajamas. I was exhausted but it was almost impossible to sleep. My brain replayed the last few days over and over. I had gone from invisible to involved in drama with the most popular girl in school. It made me wonder if Logan had ever told anyone about our history, or if he just pretended that we had never meant anything to each other.

Sleep took over at some wee hour in the morning, and even though I probably should have slept in, I was up with the sun. I tried to get out of the house before my parents had their daily war. I pulled my hair into a bun and got myself dressed. I didn’t have anything planned, but I got in my car anyway. I had no destination in mind, but I ended up exactly where I usually ended up- right in front of Logan’s house. With everything that had happened I knew this was a bad idea, but I needed to be close to where my best memories were. I reminded myself that Logan would probably be hung over and asleep for many more hours. I sat back in my seat and pictured us all playing on the lawn. Noah would try to do stunts on his bike and Logan and I would watch in complete awe. I had forced myself to get every detail of these memories right. I could picture how the sky looked and what the day smelled like. I was so lost in my memories that I almost didn’t notice the soft tapping on the passenger window. I turned to see a shivering Logan. He gave me a small wave when I looked at him. I unlocked the doors and he slipped into the seat next to me.

I laughed out loud when I saw what he was wearing. He was in his boxers and slippers, and there was no shirt under his letterman jacket. He leaned close to the heater and cupped his hands close to his face, breathing on them to warm up. “Are you trying to get frostbite?” I asked sarcastically?

“I didn’t want to miss you. I grabbed my coat and ran out.”

“Why aren’t you sleeping it off?”

“I haven’t been sleeping very well. Look, I’m sorry about Blaine. I’ll talk to her. I’ll get her off your back.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure next week it’ll blow over. She’ll see we don’t really talk and it’ll be like before.”

“No. I don’t want her to see that.” Now he was facing me, still shivering. “I don’t want it to be like that anymore.”

“Logan, you can’t just go back. We can’t pick up where we left off.” He was quiet for a long time as we both stared at my old yard.

“It was my fault. I told him to ride down Devil’s Hill,” he whispered. I was stunned by his words. This time I turned to him.

“Logan, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. We were stupid kids. No one knew that car would come out of nowhere.”

“But I see it all the time. I think about it all the time.” He fought back tears as he said it. He was gritting his teeth when he spoke next. “I made him do it. I can’t forgive myself for that.”

“You were just a kid.” I put my hand on his. As much as I missed my brother, I never blamed anyone. I never knew he felt like this.

“I was a little asshole. When Noah died I had to pretend that part of my life never existed. I froze you out and I’m sorry I did that.”

“We both disappeared into something that had nothing to do with him. That’s what we had to do to survive. We were too young to understand how this would affect us down the road.”

“Is it too late?” he asked. There was something desperate in his eyes when he said it.

“Too late for what?”

“For us? I should have been there for you. I should have looked out for you. That’s what he would have wanted.”

“Logan, you don’t owe me anything. This was a lifetime ago. Everything has changed. We’ve changed. I just want to survive the rest of high school so I can get the hell out of this place and put it all past me.” We both turned in our seat and looked out of the front windshield in silence. I thought about how he didn’t feel like a stranger to me. Even after all this time, our silence was comfortable.

“I didn’t eat for a week after Noah died. I didn’t come out of my room, and I didn’t talk to anyone. I took all of our pictures, all the mementos from camps and birthdays, and I buried them in the back yard. I didn’t talk to you because you reminded me that he existed. I wanted to forget, but I never did. I was so ashamed of how I treated you that I didn’t have the guts to ask how you were. All these years and I know it’s too late.” He was facing me again, but I couldn’t look at him. Tears of frustration and confusion spilled from my eyes. Why was all of this happening now? I had gone for so long without any trouble and it was crashing in my face. I swallowed a deep breath before I spoke, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.

“I need to go. I have stuff to do.”

“Can I stay with you today? I don’t want to be here at home. Let’s do something.”

I sniffed and wiped my eyes again. “Like what?”

“Go to a movie, or play mini golf. I don’t care. I just don’t want to be alone today.” He sighed and sat back in his seat. The truth was that I didn’t want to be alone either.

“I’m not going anywhere with you...until you put some pants on.” He almost flew out of the car.

“Don’t. Go. Anywhere! I’ll be out in ten minutes.” He made motions for me to stay put as he went into his house, and he was true to his word. He was out in less than ten minutes.

“So, where to? And if I get jumped by a bunch of cheerleaders for hanging out with you, I hold you solely responsible.”

“No one’s jumping anyone,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “Go down Fletcher street,” he said, pointing in the direction like I didn’t know where it was.

“There’s nothing there but the ravine,” I said with a confused look on my face.

“I know.” I shrugged my shoulders and headed out. Logan flipped through my iPod, looking at my music as I drove. He finally picked something and settled back in his seat.

I pulled into a parking spot that over-looked the ravine. I hadn’t been here in years and I was amazed at how beautiful it was in the winter. Little frozen crystals had formed on the needles of the evergreen trees, making them look like they had been decorated for Christmas.

“Come on,” he said as he got out of the car. He started walking down a path that led into the creek bed below.

“Where are we going?” I asked, as I hesitantly followed him.

“You’ll see,” was the only answer he offered.

He maneuvered his path like he had been down it a million times. We finally came into a little clearing from all of the trees and I could see what he brought me here to see. There was a small waterfall in the middle of the creek. Most of it had been frozen solid, but there were a few streams of water still flowing down the little ledge. I was fascinated by how the frozen water looked. It was captured almost like a picture.

“It’s a lot prettier in spring,” Logan said, pulling me from my thoughts.

“I think it’s beautiful like this.” I was whispering and I didn’t know why. I couldn’t take my eyes off of the sights around me.

“I don’t want us to be strangers anymore, Eggy. I can’t take not having you in my life. Every good memory I have involves you.” I turned to look at him and I could see his eyes glistening. I swallowed hard.

“Really? Every one? What’s been going on for the last six years?” I didn’t mean for it to sound as sarcastic as it did. He eyed me cautiously, and shook his head.

“Things have not been fantastic. My dad and I can’t seem to agree on my future,” he said with a heavy sigh.

“What do you mean?”

“He says military, I say college. I don’t know what I want to spend the rest of my life doing, but I don’t want to figure that out in the military.”

The little revelation surprised me. I had always pictured Logan having it super easy. “That’s harsh. Does he know you don’t want the same thing?”

“No, and not because I haven’t tried to tell him. He won’t listen. Whatever. Enough about me, what about you?” He was snapping a small twig he had found into tiny pieces.