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“Are you seriously drinking before school?”

“Yep. Gotta do something to take the edge off.”

“What edge? What’s so terrible that you have to do that?” I asked, pointing to a flask he wasn’t hiding very well.

“I told you already. My parents, my past, my future,” he slurred, waving his arms around.

“Hey, tone it down. You’re being pretty obvious.”

“Good, maybe they’ll kick me out.”

“Logan, grow up. We all have crap to deal with. So deal with it. Avoiding it isn’t doing you any favors.”

“Oh, so now I get advice from you? Queen of dysfunction? You can’t even speak because of how messed up you are! Oh, but wait- now you’re in love and normal, and everything will be just fine,” he said sarcastically through gritted teeth.

“You’re an ass.” I turned to walk away, but ran into a chest I knew all too well. Jake wrapped a protective arm around me.

“Are you ok,” Jake asked before he turned his attention to Logan. I nodded yes. “If you come near her again you’ll regret it,” he threatened in a tone that made me shiver.

“How much did you hear?” I asked once we were inside.

“Enough to know you can fend for yourself.” He pulled me into a hug.

“He’s drunk. It’s just....sad.”

“Well, he’s not your problem.” He kissed the top of my head and insisted he walk me to class.

My little interaction with Logan nagged at the back of my mind for most of the day, but I pushed it aside and reminded myself that it was Friday. I was free from all of this for two days, and I’d probably spend both days with Jake.

After school, I headed straight to the coffee shop. We had a lull before the onslaught of 5:00 commuters bombarded us. After that it was quiet again. I made Jake promise to stay at home. I felt bad that he spent so much time at the shop watching me work. He reluctantly agreed, but he did text me a few times to entertain me.

Just before I was ready to close a little surprise walked in the door. Blaine and three other girls from school sauntered in. I was ready to end my shift and call it a night, and I was in no mood for the B.S. they were no doubt about to dish out.

“Blaine, I’m closing.”

“Oh, we’re not here for coffee. We’re here to chat,” she said in her most condescending tone.

“And what could we possibly have to chat about?” I stayed behind the counter where the panic button was located, knowing I didn’t have good odds in a fight of four against one.

“So you have a new boyfriend, and you’ve wrecked my old one.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I think it’s only fair I wreck yours, right?”

“Leave.” My patience was wearing thin.

“When I’m done I’ll go.”

“Look, you’re boyfriend was wrecked a long, long time ago. And for the record, you’re the only one who thinks you’re in a relationship with Logan. He’s flat-out denied that you mean anything to him.” I had just hit below the belt, but I was done with her. She didn’t respond to that comment.

“We’ll see how loyal your new boy toy is. Funny, I never noticed him before you started going out. He’s pretty hot.”

“Oh my God. You’re beyond gross. Go ahead and try. I’m not even a little worried. I’m sure it’ll help improve things with Logan too,” I added sarcastically.

“We’ll see.”

After they finally left, I closed up as fast as I could and got out of there. Blaine was clearly crazy, so I wasn’t about to put anything past her. As soon as I got home I sent Jake a text. I told him I couldn’t wait to see him and he warned me that he’d be up early. He was true to his word. I was up and ready before the sun came up and he showed up just minutes later.

15

Jake was back to driving his small Jeep now that the roads had been cleared a little. He opened the door for me and I hopped in. It was toasty warm inside. As soon as he was in he leaned over and pulled my lips to his. The kiss was urgent and hungry and in just moments we were both getting carried away right in front of my house.

He pulled himself away and I gave a disappointed pout at the absence of his lips. He grinned at me and ran his thumb across my lower lip.

“We should get something to eat before I end up devouring you.” The comment gave me goosebumps.

We ended up at the pancake place. As we ate our hotcakes, we mapped out our day. We were in no rush and let our server refill our hot chocolate over and over.

“What if we saw two movies? We could have dinner in between,” he suggested.

“Well, are there two movies we want to see?” I asked.

“I don’t really think it matters. I doubt we’ll be watching much.”

I started blushing immediately, catching his meaning. “Good point.”

“I love it when you blush,” he said, and the comment made my cheeks burn. Our server gave us the check and saved me from having to say anything else.

After we paid we hopped back in his jeep and took off without a plan. “I know where I want to take you,” he blurted out as he started heading downtown where all of the quirky shops were. We pulled up in front of a store that had no name- just a sign out front that said “Antiques and Collectibles”. “You’re going to love this!”

My eyes got huge once we walked in. Everywhere I looked my eyes landed on a toy from a time past. But something in the back of the store caught all of my attention and I started walking that way without any warning to Jake.

“Don’t get lost!” he joked as he tried to catch up with me. Then he saw what I saw. Rows and rows of little houses, painted carefully with no detail missed. Lights were on inside of them and little dolls were displayed in each tiny room- doing normal, family things. They were all Victorian style houses, all painted in bright colors.

“These are amazing,” I said as I traced the details on the woodwork of a purple and green house.

“They are. Did you have one when you were little?”

“Yeah. I still do. My mom had little people painted to look like our family. I played with that thing everyday. I used to try to get Noah to play, but he’d tell me it was too girly.”

“He was right. I would have said the same thing,” he teased.

“I guess,” I said with a smile. It was nice to be able to speak about him and not his tragedy. “I always loved the tiny kitchen stuff.”

“It’s pretty amazing how detailed it can be,” he said as we both peered into the tiny windows. “Wanna see my favorite part of the store?”

I nodded yes and he pulled me by the hand to a section of the store that was covered in wall to wall rows of comic books. He seemed to know exactly which box he wanted to look in. “These are what I spend most of my money on.” He pulled out a few comics that were carefully sealed in plastic bags. They were old crime stories. No super heroes or goofy characters. “Some of these were based on true stories. Those are my fave.”

“These are great. I don’t know much about comics.”

“You will after you hang out with me. I think this is the only reason I work in my Grandpa’s shop. I spend all the money I earn in here. What do you spend yours on?”

I instinctively looked down at my feet. I didn’t like thinking about going away while we were spending time together, but somehow I was always reminded. “I save it all.” When I looked back up at him his smile was gone. I saw the muscles in his jaw working a little. He didn’t say whatever was on the tip of his tongue.

“Should we go see what’s playing?” I took his hand as he led me out of the store. I felt responsible for the dark cloud that popped up over our mood. My feet were suddenly stuck in place. He tried to pull me along, but came to a stop when I did.

“Do we need to talk about this?” I blurted out. He let go of my hand and ran frustrated fingers through his hair.

“I don’t know. Maybe?” He paced a little and shoved his hands into his jean pockets. “I think about it...a lot.”

“Me too.” It was the truth. My rational brain said giving up my dreams for a boy was out of the question, but my heart was a whole different story.

He stopped pacing and stood in front of me. I thought about how my head fit perfectly into the space under his chin when he hugged me. Then he pulled me into one of those hugs and kissed the top of my head. “Let’s just focus on right now.”

“Agreed,” I said just before he gave me a soft kiss and pulled me in the direction of his jeep.

We bought tickets to a movie and found seats in the very back. Lucky for us, the theater stayed almost empty. It was almost impossible to keep our lips apart the whole time and the movie’s plot was wasted on us. When it was over, we both giggled at how we didn’t even notice the credits come up. We decided we’d take an early dinner break and headed to a little cafe next door. We were greeted with an unpleasant surprise when we walked in. Blaine and Logan shared the tiny waiting area with us as we waited to be seated.

Jake immediately put a protective arm around my shoulder but the distance between Blaine and Logan could be felt more than seen.

“Let’s go somewhere else,” I said. I was ready to walk out when Logan spoke up. He looked nervous as he fidgeted with his fingers.

“Stay.”

“I’d rather not,” I shot back.

“I’d rather you didn’t either,” Blaine said with crossed arms and an angry face. I let out a frustrated sigh and I regretted letting Blaine know she was getting under my skin. I grabbed Jake by the hand and pulled him out and into the cold night.

“I’m sorry. I can’t stay in there. Can we just eat popcorn for dinner?” He pulled me into the warmth of his arms and kissed the top of my head, instantly making me smile.

“Maybe we can even spring for nachos.”

“I like nachos. I can’t promise I’ll share,” I said with a grin. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder as we began to walk back to the movies, and in the window of the cafe I caught a glimpse of Logan watching us, and Blaine watching him with a disgusted look.

We sat in the lobby and nibbled on snacks as we waited for our showing to seat. I could tell Jake had something on his mind with how distracted he was. “Hey, what’s going on in there,” I said as I tapped his temple. He sighed and looked me straight in the eyes.

“Was there something with you and Logan? I mean...he’s very territorial with you.”

“No. Not a thing. Seriously. After Noah, we didn’t speak....like at all.”

“Then what’s his problem?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t.”

“And Blaine...she hates you. Why?” I set my plate of nachos down on the bench and leaned against the wall behind me.

“One day, I was all by myself and they stormed the coffee shop. He got the impression that it instantly made us best friends. The truth is that I don’t want to revisit that part of my life again. As for Blaine- who the hell knows?” As if saved by the bell the doors opened and seating began. Another plot was lost on us as we lost ourselves in the back row of the movie theater.

The next few weeks we began to build a routine. During our days at school we’d steal any moment we could find to be together, if only for a moment. My evenings were kept busy with schoolwork and the coffee house, but it was hard to concentrate on anything but the next time I would get to see Jake.

Blaine and Logan were far from my thoughts. Her dirty looks bounced off of me and had little effect. I was too preoccupied with thinking about the butterflies Jake gave me, but it was hard to ignore how miserable Logan looked. I assumed it was because he was stuck with a miserable person for a girlfriend.

I surprised myself by thinking about in-state colleges- somewhere closer to Jake. Ivy League would take me pretty far away, but my rational brain reminded myself that this is what I had been working for and not to give up on it so easily. I always managed to push the thought out of my mind. It was a problem for another day.

16

The weather was finally starting to warm up just slightly and most of the snow had started to melt. Our little town was covered in puddles and brown piles of ice. I was glad the weekend had arrived. Jake had plans to go see his mom, which meant he’d travel all weekend, so we decided to meet for breakfast before he left. I was happy to get out of the house. My dad had been sent home and was “recovering”. My usually tense home was even worse now.

We went to our favorite spot and ordered pancakes, but I found myself only picking at mine.

“What’s on your mind, Meg?”

“I don’t know,” I lied. The truth was that thinking about Jake being far away had me thinking about when I would be far away, and it made my insides ache. He set his fork down and looked at me thoughtfully.

“Tell me,” he said, reaching for my hand.

“Have you ever thought about where you’ll go to school?”

“So we are going to talk about this?”

“I guess so. I’m sorry, but it’s been eating at me. I keep thinking about how far away I might be.” The more I spoke, the more I felt like I was on the verge of tears.

“What happened to just enjoying right now?”

“That’s the problem. I’m enjoying right now too much.” A worried crease appeared between his eyebrows and he tried to understand what I was saying.

“You’re not saying you’d rather not enjoy right now, are you?” His voice was a little shaky when he asked it.

“No! I’m not saying that at all! I just wish I could take you with me....or maybe I should stay,” I said below my breath.

“Wait a sec, I won’t be the reason you give up on a dream. We’ll figure something out, but not that.” He looked at his watch and I knew I had the most horrible timing because he had to go. “Can we talk about this more when I get back tomorrow night?”

I nodded yes because I was afraid to try and speak. I didn’t want to start crying in the middle of the restaurant.

It was a quiet drive home. He opened my door for me and hugged me tight before he drove away. We made a promise to talk as soon as he got back. In the meantime, I knew I’d have some thinking to do.

I looked at my front door and then back to my little hatchback. I decided to go for a drive and visit Noah. When I got to his stone, there was a small pile of dirty snow pushed up against his name. I dug it away with my hands and used my coat sleeve to dry the spot off.

“Things are complicated, Big Brother. I never thought in a million years that I would have a reason besides you to stay in Flagstaff.”

I settled into the damp ground and rested against his stone. No one else was out in the cemetery. It was quiet and peaceful and the sun was shining full force. “You’d like Jake. He’s so sweet, and he makes me crack up- a lot like you used to.” I laughed to myself at a random memory of Noah and me, rolling on the living room floor, laughing at nothing in particular. “Oh man,” I groaned. “What am I gonna do?” After I said it, a few unexpected tears fell from the corner of my eyes. Apparently he and I really did need to talk about this.

I was snapped out of my peace and quiet when I heard footsteps crunching through the soggy grass. I looked up to see Logan approaching. I quickly stood and wiped my eyes with the back of my hands.

“Sorry- I didn’t think you’d be here. You haven’t been for a few weeks,” he said, apologetically.

“I didn’t know you were keeping track.” I was more defensive than I needed to be.

“I didn’t come here to fight.” He put his hands up in defeat. “I just came to talk to my friend.”

“I was just leaving. He’s all yours.”

“I was talking about you.” I started walking away but stopped when he spoke again.

“Oh.”

He paced a moment then got right to the point. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, and I’m sorry I didn’t do more to bring you back when you faded away. I’m sorry I pretended we never existed to each other, or that I never told my friends how funny you are, or how your smile could melt every inch of snow in town.”

I was speechless and at a loss for how to respond to what he was saying.

“If I could do everything over again, I’d change so much. Noah would have wanted me to be there for you. Instead I pop back into your life while I’m drunk. I suggest we go crash the place where you work because I’m too chicken shit to stop in on my own...or sober. Then I get you mixed up with Blaine’s drama. I don’t blame you for hating me.”

“Logan, I don’t hate you. And I don’t know what to say.” It was the truth. My mind felt too overwhelmed to respond.

“Do you love him?”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“I just want to know if you’re happy. Do you love him?”

“Yeah, I think I do. Do you love her?”

“No.” I felt sorry for him as soon as he said it.

“Then why are you with her?”

“She’s like any other addiction.” His words were so honest it hurt.

“Maybe she’s not good for you, Logan. Maybe you need to surround yourself with better people and things. Lay off the drinking.”

He gave a bitter laugh before he responded. “If you lived in my mind, you’d want to cloud it too.”

“Maybe. Or maybe you should face whatever’s in there and deal with it.”

“You know what’s in there. You’re the only one that knows.”

I shook my head in frustration and stuffed my hands into my pockets. “Logan, I’ll be here for you, but that won’t do you much good unless you get real help.” I looked around for his car, but didn’t see one. “How did you get here?”

“I walked.”

“Let me give you a ride.” He didn’t argue, but he didn’t want to go home either. We both agreed on the coffee shop. Betsy and Mark looked a little puzzled when we walked in together. “I know once Blaine finds out about this that I’ll have hell to pay.” I hadn’t meant to say it out loud. He looked at me and shook his head.

“Well, I can’t really argue with that,” he admitted. “I’ll deal with her. I don’t know how, but I will.” A crazy thought formed in my head after he said it.

“Call her now. Invite her here.”

“You’re joking,” he said, but I could tell he knew I was serious from the way he was looking at me.

“If she’s going to be part of your life then she deserves to know everything that goes on in your mind.” We flopped onto one of the sofas and he pulled out his phone.

“I’ll text. I don’t want to hear her screaming at me.”

Hey- come to the coffee shop.

The one the skank works at?

Just get here.

Is she there?

Just get here.

She got there about fifteen minutes later and did not look pleased to see us sitting next to each other on the couch.

“What the hell is going on?” She yelled it loud enough to attract attention to herself.

“Nothing is
going on
. I just need to talk to you. Megan convinced me that I need to be honest with you about everything. Calm down and sit.” She looked between us and paced a little.

“Are you breaking up with me?”

“Ok, that’s my cue to leave you two alone. Good luck, Logan.” I stopped at the counter before I left. “I think I might need a latte for my exhausted mind.” Betsy was already at the machine and on it before I had said it.

“That kid is complicated,” she stated as she handed me my cup.

“You have no idea.” I rolled my eyes when I said it. I glanced over my shoulder to see if they were talking and they were. Logan looked nervous and I couldn’t read Blaine. I had to walk away and forced my feet to move to my car. I felt my phone buzz just after I buckled up. It was a text from Jake.

I miss you too much!!!
Reading it gave my heart a little flutter.

Then you should come back ASAP! I miss you too!

Tomorrow you’re all mine! xo

XO

As I headed home, I thought about how thankful I was to Jake and how much I was looking forward to spending every minute with him. That’s when I could feel it- my entire obsession about leaving town faded away in that instant. It wasn’t a rash decision or impulsive. It was what my heart knew was right and perfect. Jake wasn’t just a high school crush. He was my forever. I couldn’t erase the smile from my face as I walked into my house, but it faded in an instant when I found both of my parents on the couch, waiting for me inside.

17

After my initial shock passed, I tried to walk past casually, but that was lost on them. They seemed just as nervous as I was.

“Sit down, Meg. We need to talk.” The shock picked back up after my mom said the words. I did as I was told, sitting in an armchair across from them. As unlikely as it was, I felt like I was going to be grilled by both of them in their debut parental act of my teen years. I decide to urge them on.

“What’s going on?”

My mom spoke up first. It was hard enough for my dad to even make eye contact. “Your dad is doing much better now and we’ve had an eye opener these last few weeks. We haven’t been what you’ve needed and we plan to change that.” My dad’s eyes welled up as my mom spoke. I was cautious as I took in what she said. “This place is tainted. The memory of everything we have gone through as a family has been toxic for the three of us.”

I wanted to scoff at her use of the words “we” and “family”. They had pretty much abandoned me emotionally years ago and had no idea of what it had been like. “What are you getting at?” I finally managed to ask.

“Even though you only have a year and a half left of high school, your dad and I agree that it’s not too late for a fresh start for us. We can’t do that here. Not with a memory around every corner.”