Irresistible Forces (26 page)

“I can see that. Where'd you get it?”

“Bulgari. It was a Christmas present from Cal.” There was no point lying about that too. She had to be honest about something.

“That's quite a gift,” he said, looking unhappy about it. “It must have cost him a pretty penny.”

“He's very generous with his employees,” she said coolly, as Steve turned to look at her, his eyes filled with pain and questions.

“Do I need to ask you if you're more than that to him?” he asked, and as their eyes met, she shook her head slowly. She didn't want him to know, and she wasn't going to tell him. She was sure now. It would have been easier to shoot him than to tell him. And she had neither the desire, nor the courage.

“No, you don't. The watch doesn't mean anything.” He nodded, and set it back down on the table. And Cal's name never came up again for the rest of the weekend.

They went out for pizza that night, and hung around the apartment the next day. He took her out for hamburgers on Saturday night, which was his idea of a Valentine's Day celebration. And finally, on Saturday night, she made love with him. It had none of their old spark and flame, and he knew something was wrong afterward when he held her.

“This lifestyle of ours isn't doing us any good,” he said quietly. “We're going to have to do something about it one of these days. Things are going downhill fast, aren't they?” It was more a statement than a question.

“I know. We just have to be patient,” she said softly.

“It's taking too big a toll on us,” he said, as he went to help himself to a beer. They had bought a six-pack that morning. But what he didn't know was that the toll had already been taken. “I'll call around again, when I get home, and see what I can drum up. This can't go on forever.” She nodded and said nothing in answer, and she lay awake for hours that night as he slept next to her. She was aching to call Cal, but she didn't dare. If Steve had woken up and heard her, it would have been a disaster.

They sat around and read the paper together the next day, and he looked at listings for houses in Pacific Heights. He was upset that she hadn't found one yet, but she told him she had been too busy.

“I guess we both have,” he said, and told her that they had to fly back and forth more. The awkwardness they'd experienced this time had truly upset him.

He didn't attempt to make love to her again. The night before hadn't been much of a success for either of them. She had been in tears by the time it was over. They had a late dinner at the airport before he left, and she stood watching his plane after he got on the red-eye. He had kissed her before he boarded, and she had held him tightly as they stood there. She felt as though she would lose him forever if he left again, and she wanted to beg him to stay, but the words wouldn't come, and she knew he couldn't stay anyway. He had to go back to New York and his job there.

As the plane headed toward the runway, she turned and walked away, and she cried all the way back to her apartment. It had been a ghastly weekend. And when the phone rang, when she got home, she thought it was Cal, and picked it up. But it was Steve from the plane.

“Just remember one thing, Merrie,” he said.

“What's that?” The words had a familiar echo to them.

“How much I love you.” It was exactly what Cal had said the last time she talked to him on Friday.

“I love you too,” she said in a choked voice. “I'm sorry it was such a lousy weekend.” She owed him so much more than that, but it had all been too much for her, and she didn't know what she was going to do about Cal now.

“It wasn't that bad. It takes a little readjusting when we get back together. I'll try and come back in two weeks, if I can. And why don't you try and come home next weekend? We'll get back on track, sweetheart. And if I don't find a job soon, I'll come out and drive a cab if I have to.”

“I wouldn't let you do that,” she said sadly.

“Let's see what happens when Lucas gets back. That's only two more weeks. Maybe I'll just pack up and come out there.” The words sounded like a death knell to her. She would either have to face the music with him, or end it with Cal, and the prospect of doing either was terrifying.

“I love you, Steve,” she said, and meant it this time. She was utterly miserable, and more confused than she'd ever been. And what's more, she knew she deserved to be.

“I love you too, babe,” he said before he hung up. And she sat crying for a while, not sure what to do now.

The next call, an hour later, was from Cal. He sounded a mess, and confessed that it had been a nightmarish weekend for him. He had been going insane thinking about her. He didn't want to tell her how jealous he had been, imagining her in bed with Steve. All he wanted now was to see her.

“Can I come over?” he asked, and she wanted to tell him he couldn't, but she felt the same pull toward him she always did. It was driven more by chemistry than by reason.

“I'm a mess,” she warned. “This has been the worst weekend of my life.”

“Mine too. Let's try and get over it together.” She had no idea what she was going to do when she saw him again, or how she'd feel when she did. But the moment she opened the door to him, she knew. She fell into his arms and dissolved into sobs, clinging to him. And all he could do was kiss her and hold her, and within minutes they were in the bed she had shared with Steve the night before. But she couldn't even think of that now. All she wanted was Cal, as badly as he wanted her, and he took her with all the strength and power of the passion they shared, and they lay together in each other's arms, clinging to each other like two lost souls until morning.

Chapter 16

S
O HOW WAS
it?” Anna asked Steve on Monday morning when he got in. He had taken a cab from the airport to the hospital, and he looked tired and drawn and, as usual, his clothes were wrinkled.

“How was it?” He looked at her blankly for an instant. “It stank, if you want me to be honest. I don't know what's wrong, but I'd say just about everything is. She acted as though I were a stranger. And when she wasn't refusing to make love with me, she was crying. I had a really fantastic weekend. Thanks for asking.” He looked and sounded exhausted.

“Shit.” Anna looked sorry for him, and wondered if she had made the wrong suggestion when she told him to go out there and surprise her. “What do you think is happening with her?” Anna was intrigued by what he was describing.

“Honestly? I don't know. I think she's working too hard. And maybe she's just getting weird living alone. What do I know?”

There was a question on the tip of Anna's tongue, but she was afraid to ask him. She liked him too much to want to hurt him. But he could see that she had something on her mind, as he poured himself a styrofoam cup full of black coffee.

“What are you not saying to me?” They had come to know each other well in the two months they'd worked together.

“It's probably a really dumb question. I was going to ask if you think she's seeing someone. Maybe she's freaked out about it, and feels guilty.”

“Meredith?” He looked amused. “No way. We've never cheated on each other. I trust her completely. I think our being apart is turning her frigid and neurotic. It's a great combination.”

“Maybe she needs therapy,” Anna said practically.

“Maybe she needs me. And I'm stuck here, working my ass off, with no job to go to in California. It's a real shit situation.”

“No one said it was going to be easy.”

“Thank you, doctor, for the five-cent psychiatry. Now, tell me what happened here this weekend.” He looked grim as they sat down in his office and got down to business.

“Two brain surgeries, a compound fracture of a femur, three head-ons involving a total of thirteen people, and four shootings, two fatalities as a result, the others all went home the next day. And that's about it. Oh, and two sprained ankles.” She reeled them off like three BLTs and two salamis.

“Jesus, are you kidding?”

“Nope. We had a busy weekend. Sounds like more fun than yours though.”

“You're right on that score.” But he felt better that he was back at work now. In some ways, this was saner, and he understood it better. Here at least, he could make a difference.

Anna showed him the charts, and reviewed all her cases with him, and he was impressed by everything she'd done, and grateful for her shoulder to cry on about his lost weekend.

They worked together all afternoon, and did surgery together that night, and on Tuesday morning she went home to her daughter. He was going off duty that night, and the chief resident was taking over for him.

“Do you want to come by for macaroni and cheese and hot dogs?”

“Now there's a memorable combination. How about if I bring some steaks for you and Felicia?”

“We don't need charity, Steve,” she said, looking insulted. “If you want what's on the menu, come. If you want something fancier, go to a restaurant.” She had a lot of pride and a lot of heart, and more balls than most men he knew, and he liked that about her. She wasn't embarrassed about being poor, and she didn't want handouts from anyone.

“I didn't mean to insult your cooking. I love macaroni and cheese,” he said with a look of admiration for her. “What time can I come by?”

“Come whenever you get off work. You can take a shower at my place, if you want, or you can just sit around looking a mess if that feels better. It's strictly come as you are.” He also loved that about her. She didn't put on airs, or expect them from him. She was an honest, straightforward person.

“I'll see you around seven. Can I bring some beer, or will you kick my ass over that too? I just don't happen to love orange juice,” which was all she had had the last time.

“Okay, you can bring beer. But no wine or champagne.” She knew how wealthy he was, because of his wife, and she didn't want to share the wealth with him. In fact, she was uptight about it.

“Do you mind if I come in my limo?”

“Whatever turns you on. Come in your jet plane, if you want.” She was smiling at him, and he knew she had forgiven him for offering to bring steaks. She was a porcupine sometimes, but her inside was pure marsh-mallow.

“Can I land my helicopter on the roof?”

“Oh go fuck yourself, and go back to work,” she growled at him, and went home to Felicia.

And that night, he showed up at her apartment on the West Side at six thirty. The resident had come early for a change, and Steve had used the opportunity to leave while he could, before any new patients came in and he'd wind up staying.

When Anna opened the door for him, she was wearing jeans and a white angora sweater. She looked pretty and soft, and the body that disappeared in scrubs was very much in evidence in the angora. Her jeans looked like they were wallpapered to her, and the sweater was molded to her breasts in a way that was very distracting. Her hair was down, and she was wearing a pair of comfortable old slippers. And Felicia was hopping around the room in a pair of clean pink flannel pajamas. And for once the cockroaches had disappeared. The landlord had “exterminated” them a few days before, which Anna claimed usually lasted about ten minutes.

But in spite of the simple fare, the dinner she made for him was delicious. The macaroni and cheese was good, the hot dogs were huge, and she had made corn-bread. He had brought two six-packs of beer, so he could leave one for her, and a chocolate cake that had looked good to him at the deli.

“You don't have to eat it,” he teased, “if you feel like I'm buying you.”

“I will!” Felicia chimed in.

“I'll help you,” Steve said, helping her to a big piece, as Anna grinned at him. He was always nice to her daughter, and she was sorry for him that he didn't have his own children. She wondered about Meredith sometimes, what kind of woman she really was. She had the feeling at times that Steve had a lot of illusions about her.

Steve gave Anna a piece of the chocolate cake, too, and they all agreed it was delicious.

At eight o'clock Anna put Felicia to bed, and Steve volunteered to read her a story, while Anna did the dishes. And by the time she was through, Felicia was sound asleep, and Steve had come back to the tiny kitchen.

“What did you read her?” Anna asked with curiosity. Felicia had a number of favorites.

“One of my medical textbooks. I figured you'd want me to influence her early.”

“Very funny,” she said, as she dried her hands on a clean towel. Everything in the apartment was threadbare, but spotless. She was immaculate, and had managed to turn the place into a cozy home for them, which had been a real challenge. The paint was peeling off the walls, and the rooms were small, and they looked out on another ugly building. It seemed light-years away from his apartment, but Anna had never seen it.

He handed her another beer, and they sat down on the couch, talking and drinking. They talked about the hospital, as they always did, and then they talked about Puerto Rico, and she admitted that she missed it.

“I miss my family, my friends. I miss a lot of things.” And she talked about her dreams then. She still wanted to go to a Third World country one day, and help people who were in greater need than the kids in the gangs they saw constantly in the trauma unit. “Maybe someday,” she said, as she set the bottle of beer down on her coffee table.

“All I want to do is to get to California one of these days,” he said, “that's about as Third World as it gets for me. You're a lot braver than I am.”

“I'mjust not as spoiled,” she teased him. She always insisted that she didn't care about material things, but like everyone else, she did, to some extent, just not as much as some of the people they knew, or even himself, or Merrie. Sometimes she tried to make him feel guilty, but he didn't.

“You're so damn politically correct, you make me sick sometimes,” he said, with a grin. He felt relaxed with her, and very happy. The sting of the disastrous weekend in California had begun to dim for him. And he was beginning to think that maybe it hadn't been quite as awful as he first thought it. But for once, he didn't discuss Meredith with her. They just talked about themselves. She talked about Yale, and about her dreams for Felicia.

“I want her to be a lawyer. They make more money than we do.”

“My garbage man makes more money than we do. And by the way, I thought you disapproved of making too much money.”

“Not for my daughter,” she smiled with good humor. She was a good mother, and a good person, and Steve liked her. Besides, she was beautiful and sexy and easy to be with.

“So how come you don't have a boyfriend?” he asked her after a while, and she smiled at him. They had a way of putting each other on the spot and asking tough questions. But they both gave each other honest answers.

“I don't have time. I work too hard. Besides, I haven't met anyone I cared about in years. All the guys I meet are gay, assholes, or married.”

“That sounds appealing,” he said, relaxing on her couch. “What's wrong with gay guys?” he teased her.

“I hate sharing my clothes with the guys I go out with. They usually look better in them than I do.”

“That wouldn't be easy.” He paid her a backhanded compliment and she smiled. She enjoyed being with him. “Well, that takes care of the gay guys. And I guess assholes are a little tough, but interesting sometimes. They have a certain charm, you'll have to admit. What about married?”

“I don't like the odds,” she said simply. “I don't play games I can't win anymore. I learned that lesson early.” The odds had been stacked against her with Felicia's father. His family had won on that one.

“That's sensible,” Steve said matter-of-factly. “I've never fooled around myself actually. It never seemed fair to Merrie. Besides, I've never found anyone I like better.”

“Even now that she's not here?” Anna's eyes bored into his with her pointed questions. And he tried not to look at her breasts in her sweater. “You're a pretty straight guy if you can be faithful to a woman you see once or twice a month, sometimes less. That's impressive.”

“Just stupid, I guess.” He was a nice guy, and she knew it.

“What if you knew she weren't being faithful to you, Steve?”

“That couldn't happen. I know her. All she thinks about is her work anyway. She lives, sleeps, eats, breathes it.”

“That's not too sexy,” Anna said bluntly.

“Not lately.” He was honest with her. And there was something sad in his eyes as he said it. He didn't think Meredith was cheating on him, but he did think they were losing ground somehow, losing touch, and worse yet, losing each other. He had felt it clearly the previous weekend in California.

“You love her a lot, don't you?” He nodded, but there was more there, and feeling her probing eyes on him, he dug deeper.

“I love her. But I have to admit something has changed since she left. Sometimes it feels like we're not married anymore, and we're just dating … or just friends … or something. Living this far apart, when we see each other now, it's like I can't reach her. It's a lousy feeling.”

“It must be.” Anna had her own theories about it, but she didn't want to hurt him, so she didn't share them with him. But she knew women better than he did. She had also begun to think that he might never move to California. It just wasn't happening, and his wife didn't seem too anxious for him to be there. But she didn't say that to him either. Besides, he loved the trauma unit, and she couldn't see him leaving. “It's funny how people drift apart. I was in love with a guy once, and he moved away. I obsessed about him for a year. He was all I could think of. And when I saw him again, he was like a different person. I had this fantasy of him that had nothing to do with reality. He was actually kind of an asshole,” she admitted and he smiled at her.

“At least he wasn't gay or married. There must be some other guys out there, Anna, single ones. Maybe you're just not trying.”

“They're not out there, believe me. And it's too much trouble to find them.”

“That's the real problem. You're lazy.” She was anything but at the hospital. But he suspected she was too scared to get involved with anyone. She had old wounds and old scars to protect. She was hiding.

They sat and talked for a long time, and at ten o'clock she yawned, and he looked at his watch. “I should go,” he said, but he hated going back to his empty apartment, and she was nice to talk to.

“You don't have to. I don't usually go to bed till midnight.”

“What do you do all alone here?”

“Read mostly.”

“That sounds lonely,” he said softly. They were both lonely, in a city full of people.

“It is sometimes, but I don't mind it. Lonely is good sometimes. It makes you think, and know things you might not otherwise. I'm not afraid to be lonely,” she said bravely.

“I am sometimes,” he said honestly. “My life was so much better when my wife was here. Now I have nothing to go home to. You have Felicia.”

“That's true,” she nodded, as he looked at her, and almost instinctively he touched her cheek, and was surprised by how silky it felt. She was extraordinarily appealing, and very sexy. And she hadn't pulled away when he touched her, which surprised him. It made him feel bolder, and he pulled her gently toward him and kissed her. And she didn't stop him.

“Am I doing something stupid here?” he asked her in a whisper. “I'm not gay, but I am married, and I could turn out to be an asshole.”

“I don't think so,” she whispered back. “I know the deal here … and the ground rules.”

“What are they?” He was startled at how open she was to him. They were two lonely, hungry people, and there was an almost irresistible meal on the table. It was hard for either of them to refuse it. And they felt safe with each other.

“The ground rules are that you love your wife, and you may wind up in California,” she said simply.