Irreversible Damage (Irreparable) (16 page)

Brady and Andrew wave from the water. I hold my hand up, waving back with a smile. I throw on my swimsuit and cover-up to join them, but by the time I make it downstairs, they’ve come in from the water. They’re milling about on the back deck. Brady sees me through the glass and comes inside. I’m grateful. I haven’t stepped foot on that deck since I lost Mona.

“Good, morning, Sunshine.”

I’m riding a high, delighting in his bright smile. “Yes, it is,” I agree as I try to fight him off from hugging me. “Brady, stop. You’re wet.”

He ignores my protests and pulls me close, smothering me with his wet body. “I love you.”

I push him away and walk into the kitchen where I start brewing a pot of coffee. Brady follows me. “I thought you had practice this morning.” It’s why he told me we couldn’t spend the night at LaFonda’s.

He shrugs. “I did, but I called it off to spend the day with Andrew.”

I come crashing down hard as the never-ending doubt creeps into my thoughts again. He didn’t cancel to spend the night with me at our favorite place. I shake it off, disgusted with myself. I hate the insecure waif of a woman I’m turning into. I plaster a smile on my face before Brady notices. “Perfect! What should we do?”

Brady nibbles his bottom lip. He looks down and mumbles under his breath. His eyes lift to meet mine with a hint of ambiguity. “I promised to take him to the Wild Animal Park.”

“Great, I love it there.” I see his face twist as his brow creases. I know what’s coming.

“I kinda told him it would just be the two of us.”

“Oh.” My lip starts to tremble. I bite down on the stupid thing.
Get a grip
. He should spend some alone time with Andrew. “Okay.” I play nonchalant. “Yeah, you two should have fun.”

His hands grip both sides of my arms. My gaze falls to my feet.  “Look at me.”

I lift my head to meet his eyes.

“It’s not that I don’t want you around.”

I start nodding like a lunatic as my mind tries to sort out where the hell I’m ever going to fit into this picture.

“He doesn’t know me. He’s nervous, and I thought that for today it would be best if I hung out with him without any distractions.”

He has no idea he’s just kicked me in gut with the truth. The truth about what I truly mean to him. I’m a distraction. It’s the word I’ve been looking for since Mona died. The one I felt but could never put my finger on. I’m a distraction from his music, his friends, and now his son.

I offer him a weak nod, stepping away from him. “No, you’re right. Andrew needs you.” I need him, too, but I won’t tell him that. I don’t want him to see that our relationship is hanging by a thin thread and that Andrew’s arrival might have very well snapped it. That would be a “distraction”.  I force myself to look at him. “Have fun.”

He smiles. It’s one of those smiles that tells me he knows something’s wrong and he wants me to tell him. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

“Of course.” I shrug, feeling even more insecure. Brady would never have had to ask me before. He would have known I was upset and fixed it immediately.

“Thanks for understanding.” He plants a quick peck on my cheek. “I’m going up to change. I love you.”

When I look out the sliding glass doors, I realize it’s time to let go. I ward off the memories of the night I lost Mona and go out to the deck where Andrew is at the table, laughing with Liv and Harrison. Liv’s eyes meet mine as I sit down next to Andrew. It’s obvious we’ll be having a long talk later.

“Hello, Andrew.” I smile at him.

“Hello.” He looks at me, but doesn’t smile. “My dad’s taking me to the Wild Animal Park, and you can’t come.”

“Andrew! That wasn’t very polite,” Liv scolds him.

“No, Liv. It’s fine,” I reassure her, although on the inside I’m dying. This kid will never accept me. I fight hard to keep my smile intact. “I’m sure you’ll have a blast with your dad. He’s looking forward to it.”

“Yep.” He smiles up at me, though I know it’s only because he’s happy I’m not going.

The slider opens. Brady comes out to the deck. He’s changed into jeans and a deep blue T-shirt. It’s the one that make his eyes look even greener. It’s my favorite. His eyes go right to Andrew, and he smiles. “Hey, buddy, you ready to go?”

“He’s ready.” Liv gets up from the table and picks up a bag from the ground. “I changed his clothes and packed you a bag. Anything you need is in there. Don’t forget to put sunscreen on him or he’ll burn.”

I want to roll my eyes. The kid has Brady’s skin. He’s not about to burn. It dawns on me that even Liv gets to be the auntie she’d planned on being for Mona. I feel like running. Why are all of my thoughts so petty?

When Brady and Andrew leave, Harrison takes a hint from Liv and tells her he’s going to the Center and will see her later.

Harrison has barely shut the sliding glass door when she fills the seat next to me. “Are you all right?”

There are no tears. I’m done crying. Anger controls my emotions, and I have no idea how to stop it. “Oh, yeah, just peachy. My whore of a husband has a kid with another woman and doesn’t really want me around. I’m fucking fabulous.”

“Tori!”

I hold my hand up. “Don’t fucking start, Liv.”

“I’m worried about you.” Her voice stays calm, but she looks upset.  “I know this is hard on you.”

“It’s beyond that, Liv. It’s impossible. My little girl is gone. Brady has a replacement. I’m sure before long Annabelle will replace me, too.”

“Stop it!”

I turn to her, surprised by the anger in her voice.

“Andrew could never replace Mona, but he is Brady’s son, Tor. He can’t ignore that.”

I glare at her, consumed by my bitter, angry thoughts.

“As for Annabelle, you have nothing to worry about. Brady loves you.”

“I’m a distraction!” I don’t want to fight with Liv, but I’m pissed. I don’t want to listen to her defend him.

“Don’t you ever think that!” She’s shouting at me. It makes me even angrier.

“I’m not assuming anything here, Liv. Brady said it.”

“Oh, shit.” She tilts her head for a moment, contemplating. “Look, I’m sure he didn’t mean it.”

“Oh, no. He meant it.” He might not know it, but he meant it.

She’s shaking her head adamantly. I know she doesn’t want to believe it. “You just need to give it some time.”

“Time?” I laugh mockingly, and toss my head back. Time has been flying by. Every day is up and down, high and low; I can’t possibly give it any more time. “I’m tired of waiting for our lives to settle. It’s exhausting.”

She puts her hand on my knee. It burns my skin. I don’t want her to touch me. I’m beyond reassurance. “I know, but you have to be strong.”

I wish she’d drop it. She doesn’t understand. When I’m high, it’s off the charts, but when I’m low, I sit in a lonely pit of depression, withering away into nothing. That’s where I am now.  “I can’t do it anymore, Liv. I’m out of fight.”

“So what are you going to do?”

I can’t even look at my best friend. I know she’s disappointed. “The only thing I know for sure is that I’m not going to wait around for my life to start while Brady finishes sorting his out.”

She squeezes my hand. “Promise me that you won’t make any rash decisions without talking to me.”

I nod. “I won’t.” I’m lying my ass off. If there’s a “rash decision”, I’ll make it alone.

“I love you,” she says with a sad smile. “I’m always here for you to vent.”

“I know. I love you, too.”

After Liv leaves me, I’m alone with my dismal thoughts. It’s not good. All I can do is think about how miserable I am in this house. I’m a stranger.

I hate feeling like I’m not me. Sometimes it’s as though I’m watching my life from a distance. I want to scream at Tori. I want to shake her out of this funk, but when I reach out to her, there’s only air. It’s hopeless.

I go in the house, pull my phone from my purse, and dial my mother’s number.

My dad answers. “Hello, baby girl.”

“Hi, Daddy. Is Mom around?”

“Hmm…. You don’t want to talk to the old man, huh?”

I smile. “I love you, Daddy.”

I hear him sigh. “But you need your mother.”

“Please.”

“All right, darling. I love you. Hang on.”

I hear him call for her.

“Hey, sweetheart. Is everything okay?” The worry in her voice filters through phone.

“No, Mom,” I wail into the phone. “It’s not.”

“Oh, dear. Tell me what’s wrong.”

I fill her in on Andrew’s arrival. I tell her all about my turbulent emotions and my uncertainty about Brady’s feeling for me. I even go so far as to tell her that I think I may have made a mistake marrying him.

“Wait! What?” she shrieks.

I realize my error. I never told her that Brady and I had run off and gotten hitched. “Brady and I went to Vegas. He wanted us to be married before Mona was born.”

She gasps into the phone. “I can’t believe you never told me.”

“I know. We were going to plan a big family wedding after she was born.” It’s one of the many things that were never talked about again after Mona died.

“Well, I’m disappointed, but I did foolish things when I was young.”

I play with a string hanging from the end of my cover up. “I have no idea what to do.”

“Have you talked to Brady?”

“I can’t.” I suck my bottom lip to stop it from quivering. “That’s the worst part. I’ve always been able to talk to him.”

“Oh, Tori. You should tell him how you feel.”

“I can’t.”

The phone goes quiet, the silence lingering until I almost hang up. “What do you want to do, honey?”

“I’m thinking about school,” I admit, knowing it will make her happy. She was disappointed when I quit. “Can I move there?”

“Of course, but you need to really think if you want a life without Brady. You’ve been through something tragic. That, on top of your hormones, can take a toll on your emotions. Make sure you don’t make a decision you’ll regret.”

“I will,” I say with a sigh.

“Listen, give it a week. If you still feel the same way, Dad and I will make the arrangements.”

“Thanks, Mom. I love you.”

“I love you, too, sweetheart.”

After I hang up with my mom, I think about what she said. Am I prepared to live without Brady? I don’t know if I am.

Chapter 19

Tori

It’s been a week of the same. I blend into the background while Brady jumps into his role as a father. Annabelle drops Andrew off every day to visit. A few evenings when she comes to pick him up, Brady invites her to stay for dinner. I escape to the Center on those nights, politely declining his offer to join them. I get a fucking invite to dinner in my own house. Why doesn’t he see how that makes me feel?

The band practices daily to prepare for a string of shows Jesse has lined up. Andrew stays in the studio for all the practices even when I offer to hang out with him. I’ve offered the movies, and swimming. I even bought him a Lego set, only to be told he doesn’t like Legos. What kid doesn’t like Legos?  This morning I ask if he’d like to go with me to the Center, thinking he’d have fun playing with other kids his age. He refuses, wanting to stay with Brady.

I’ve tried to discuss it with Brady. He tells me not to push it and that Andrew will come around. After our conversation, it’s blatantly clear that I no longer belong here. It’s just as he said — I’m a distraction.

Once practice starts and the house is quiet, I go upstairs to call my mom. I can’t pretend everything is okay anymore. After we speak, I go downstairs to get a bite to eat. As I pass the bathroom in the hall, the door swings open and Annabelle comes out. She nearly bumps into me.

“What are you doing here?”

She smiles. It’s the fake one that’s always plastered to her face when I’m around. “Brady invited me to stay and watch them practice. They’re fantastic.”

I can’t look at her. “Yeah, they are.”

“Are you all right?” she asks, and she actually sounds sincere.

“No, not really.” I look up at her. “Can we talk?”

“Sure.”

“Do you think you could talk to Andrew? I’m really happy he gets to spend so much time with Brady, but I’d like to get to know him.”

She looks at me like I have blood coming out of my eyes or something. “Why?”

The question takes me by surprise. It should be obvious.

“Well, if he’s going to be around, it’d be nice if we could have a relationship.”

“I don’t see why that’s necessary.” Her glib tone makes me realize what a mistake it was to ask. “He’s here to spend time with his father.”

I sigh and try to hold it together. “I get that, but I’m his stepmother.”

Her lip curls into a snarl. “No, you are Brady’s wife…for now.”

“Excuse me?” I know what she’s meaning to imply, but I wonder if she’ll actually admit it.

“Andrew needs a family.” She grins and I want to punch her. “A father and a mother. Surely you can see that.”

I don’t even know how to respond to the brazen bitch standing in front of me, mostly because she’s right. Children do need both parents. “Good luck with that,” I spit angrily as I turn and run back upstairs. God, that was lame. I should have leveled her. I fall onto the bed, sulking as depression overcomes me, coaxing my body to sleep.

“Wake up, beautiful.”

I open my eyes slowly. Brady’s sitting on the bed next to me. “Dinner’s ready.”

I smile and stretch. “What time is it?”

He taps my lips with his index finger. “Six-thirty.”

“I slept the entire day.” I don’t feel rested. I’m groggy, and my thoughts are still reeling from my little altercation with Brady’s baby mama. “I’ll be down in a minute.”

“Okay.” He slips off the bed without even a peck. Come to think of it, I can’t remember the last time he kissed me.

I wash my face and brush my hair before I go down for dinner. The aroma of pizza wafts down the hall. My stomach growls, reminding me that I never ate today, and why. Voices from the kitchen stop me in my tracks. I hear Brady offer Annabelle a beer.

“I shouldn’t. I have to drive back.” Her high-pitched voice prickles my skin. Then she giggles, and I gag.

“You can crash in the spare room.”