Jack & Diane (14 page)

“Diane, don’t lie to me or yourself. This was about your friends moving on to these glamorous jobs and you regretting being stuck in the sticks with some hick.”

“I’ve never said that.”

“Not saying it and not feeling it are two different things. Diane, if you want to go, go, but don’t use Misti’s lies as your excuse. If I’m a mistake just say so.”

Diane did not say anything. He had hoped for a blatant denial of her wanting to go, but did not get that. He looked at her face and only saw confusion. It was his turn to not be able to look at her.

“It’s late and we’re tired. We should go to bed and discuss it after we’ve had time to think,” he said.

She slept in the guest room she used to sleep in, leaving him alone in their room. Neither of them got much sleep. She was up early the next morning in the kitchen fixing coffee when he walked in fully dressed for the day ahead. He walked behind her wrapped his arms around her.

“I missed you so much last night.” She remained stiff in his arms.

“I think maybe I should go and spend time at my parent’s and clear my mind. That’ll give time for the paternity of Misti’s baby to be determined.”

He stepped back as though she’d just stabbed him.

“It’ll be pretty difficult to work things out with you hundreds of miles away. Would this be a temporary living arrangement?”

She looked down at her hands. “I don’t know.”

“I don’t think you leaving is what’s best for our marriage. If you want to go, Diane, go. But I don’t know how welcomed back you’ll be.”

“If I go to sort out my feelings it’s over?”

“What feelings do you have to sort out Diane? Have I screwed up? Yes. Is it unforgivable? Not if you love me. You either love me and want to be with me or you don’t.”

“There is more to it than that.”

“One night of you two doors down instead of by my side and I knew which one I wanted. I knew I wanted to do whatever needed to be done to be with you.”

“If you’re willing to do whatever then give me some time.”

“If you don’t love me enough to know that you want me, absence isn’t going to make your heart grow fonder. Don’t kid me or yourself. If you go home you won’t be back.”

“This is my home. If I come back will I be welcomed?”

“If you’re going to go will you do me a favor and be gone before I return at the end of the day?” he left the house.

♥♥♥

“I saw your bags in your car. I thought I asked you to be gone if you were going.”

Diane had never seen Jack’s eyes so ice cold. “I didn’t want us to say goodbye like that.”

“I don’t want us to say goodbye. We can’t always get what we want.”

“Jack, I love you.”

“Diane, don’t. Don’t give me hope. Please, just go.” He turned to her and she saw tears in his eyes. She walked towards him to comfort him but he turned and walked back out the house.

♥♥♥

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“Hello?”

“Hi Jack,” Diane said hopeful that this time he would talk to her and not just hang up. Sometimes Diane would call just to hear his voice say the two syllable greeting. She’d never meant for this to be the end of them, but things were more black and white for him. Her decision to take a break was viewed as her decision to leave him and he’d not spoken to her in those three months.

There was silence, but no dial tone.

“It’s about your organic certification,” she added before he hung up.

“I don’t need you to handle that for me anymore. I’ll text you the attorney’s information and you can forward what you’ve done to him. Be sure to include your hours in it so I can pay you.”

“I know you don’t need me to do it but I want to do this for you Jack.”

“I don’t want you to do it. And please stop calling.”

“I miss you Jack.”

His response was slamming the phone down, but it did not hang up. She heard muffled voices in the background and then the sound of the phone being picked up followed shortly by the door slamming.

“Hi Diane.”

“Hi Momma.”

“Listen Diane. You know I love you, but Jack’s my son. Please stop torturing him.”

“I’m not torturing him. I just need to talk to him.”

“About what? Are you coming back?”

“I don’t know. I need to talk with him. I need to know if that’s what he wants.”

“Of course it’s what he wants.”

“If that’s what he wants, why doesn’t he even talk to me?”

“Because he’s been miserable since you’ve been gone. The only thing he wants is you, not you on a phone, but you here with him. You need to decide if you want to come back and just do it. If you’re not coming back, stop calling him so he has a chance to heal.”

♥♥♥

A couple of evenings later Diane returned to her parent’s house to see an overnight envelope addressed to her. She sat at the kitchen table with papers in her hand and an open overnight envelope on the table. The tears had dried, leaving salty white trails down her face.

“Diane, what are you doing here?”

“I live here.”

“I know that. What I do not know is why you are here when your heart is on a farm in southern Indiana.”

She thought she saw concern on her Mother’s face and heard a comforting tone in her voice. Diane let the tears fall that she usually reserved for moments alone in her room at night.

“My broken heart is on that farm.”

“Why is your heart broken?”

“Because he lied to me mother and these came today.”

Diane slid the papers across the table. Catherine took the papers from her daughter and read over them briefly.

“Yes, he lied to you. He will probably lie again. That is something people do. He doesn’t really want this,” she said raising the papers, “and neither do you. I was at your wedding and I remember something about loving through turmoil in your vows, not running when the turmoil comes along. He sent these papers because you left him, not because he does not love you.”

“Why are you defending what he did? You don’t even like him mother.”

“I do not dislike him Diane. I am not defending what he did. He loves you. I did not think so at first, but now even I can see that he does. He should have told you but he failed to, does that mean that your marriage should end?”

“Why can’t you just be on my side for once?”

“I am on your side. I have always been on your side.”

“Really? You’re always on my side? You were on my side through the whole ordeal with Alan? I’m sorry, I don’t see how constantly pressuring me to work things out with him was being on my side. I especially don’t see how inviting him to Jack’s and my rehearsal dinner was you being on my side.”

“I did those things because I thought you were making a mistake with Jack. I was trying to protect you from getting hurt. I thought that you would be happier with Alan.”

“Alan cheated! How could he be better?”

“Did you really expect him to be celibate for four years Diane?”

“I never loved him enough to give myself to him. I didn’t love him at all. I was only with him because I thought it would make you happy. I thought you’d be proud of me and finally love me.”

Catherine gasped. “Diane, you don’t think that I love you?”

“I think you only love me because you’re my Mother and it’s the proper thing to do. I am not nearly perfect enough in your eyes for you to love just because. If you don’t want me here you don’t have try and get me to go back to Jack. I’ll leave so you don’t have to be reminded how miserably I’ve failed.”

Diane wiped at the fresh tears on her face and started out of the room. She stopped when she heard what sounded like sob come from her mother. When she turned she was shocked to see her mother with tears running down her face and her hand over her mouth muffling her weeps. She stood frozen with her tear filled eyes locked with her mother’s watery ones. She had never seen her mother shed a single tear, let alone let them pour out and risk her mascara running. Her mother was not a pretty crier.

“Diane, I could not love you more than I do. I thought you knew that.”

“How am I suppose to know that when you are always so critical of me?” The fight had gone out of Diane’s tone.

“I am so proud of you. You are perfect to me. I want so much for your life to be perfect because I love you so much. I have never meant to be critical. I have only tried to guide you.”

“If you want my life to be perfect, why were you pushing me to Alan.”

“I thought you loved him. I thought he made you happy.”

“I love Jack, but you tried so hard to break us up. Why?”

Catherine took a deep breath and looked around before she began to speak. She moved until she was standing right in front of her daughter. She lowered her voice to a barely audible whisper.

“There was someone before your father. His name was Sam. I was head over heels in love with him. He hung the moon and placed every star.” Her mother’s voice did not sound as though these were memories that she revered, but a past she was retelling with a pang of regret.

“I thought he felt the same way about me, but he did not, far from it. Like Jack, he was white.” Diane’s eyes widened with shock. “He was from one of those ‘villes down state that had no blacks. He said and did everything just right for me to give him the one thing I could never get back. Shortly after that he decided he could not be in a long term relationship with a black girl. Marriage was certainly out of the question. He said he needed someone that was ‘more appropriate for his aspirations’.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I was devastated. I lost more weight than was healthy and my grades suffered horribly. That’s when I met your father. He was my tutor. He helped me pull my grades and myself back together. He did not sweep me off my feet in another whirlwind romance, but he took my hand and slowly guided me to a lasting love.”

Diane understood now. She remembered back to her mother’s words during the drive to the farm on the unplanned trip. “You thought Jack was like Sam and Alan was like dad. You thought I’d regret being with Jack.”

“Yes. I was projecting my past onto your present. Do you forgive me?”

“Of course I do.”

“Good.” She hugged her daughter tightly. “I love you Diane.”

“I know that now. I love you too.”

Catherine ended the embrace and held Diane’s face in her hands. “You love Jack and he loves you. If that baby is his, that’s something you will need to face together. You need to forgive him, not for his sake, but because you are not happy without him.”

“Ma, I miss him so much.”

Ma sounded so much more affectionate than mother and Catherine liked it. “You do not have to miss him anymore.”

“You’re right.” Diane kissed her mother on the cheek and headed towards the door.

“Where are you going?”

“Home.”

“Good, but you should fix your face before you go. You look a fright.”

“If I look a fright, you look a horror.” They both laughed. Diane like the direction her relationship was heading with her mother. They’d laughed and cried together for the first time ever this afternoon. More importantly, they understood each other better.

♥♥♥

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“Hi Jack, don’t hang up. I need your help,” Diane rushed out in one breath.

Jack closed his eyes and silently sighed. Every time he heard her voice he felt the sweet swell of hope and the bitter plunge of despair. He knew he shouldn’t answer her calls, but he craved the sound of her voice saying his name.

“What do you need help with?” He kept his voice neutral and void of desire.

“My car has stopped. Can you come get me?”

“Diane, it would be quicker if you called AAA. They’d make it to you long before I made it to Gary.”

“I’m not in Gary. I’m somewhere on the road between Bloomington and the farm. It’s dark, I’m surrounded by corn and I’m scared.”

Jack’s heart began to race. Was she coming back or was she bringing the divorce papers and piercing his heart by putting the final nail in their marriage’s coffin. If she was coming back he’d want to take her in his arms and kiss her breathless. If she had the divorce papers, he’d want to take her in his arms and kiss her senseless to convince her to stay.

“I’ll be there in a few.”

The entire way to her he sent up prayers that she was coming back home. He couldn’t wait to see her but didn’t think he could stomach seeing her again. Life had been miserable since she left, but he wanted her to be happy, even if it wasn’t with him. He really wished she could be happy with him.

When he finally caught sight of her car, a huge case of nerves hit him. He turned the truck around so that it was directly behind her car. Instead of going to her window he walked to the front of the car and motioned for her to pop the hood. She popped the hood then got out of the car. She was standing close enough that he could smell her perfume in the breeze.

“Thank you for coming Jack.”

“No problem,” he said examining under the hood with a flashlight, afraid to look at her for fear of what he might see in her eyes.

“It’s good to see you.”

“Is it?” he said still studying the car’s inner workings.

She stepped closer and put her soft hand on his stubble roughened chin, gently turning him towards her. “Whatever is wrong with the car can be handled tomorrow.”

Jack studied her face in the light from his headlights. “Why are you here?”

“Your Mom said you still love me and that you wanted me back, if I wanted to come back. Is that true? Do you want me back?”

“Do you want to come back?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure? I can’t take it if you change your mind again.”

“I’m sure. I love you. These have been the most miserable months of my life.” Tears welled up in her eyes. “Especially when I got the divorce papers.” Tears began to stream down her face.

Jack wiped the tears away. “You promised you’d never cry again.” He claimed her mouth, moving his hands to her waist and pulling her close. When he heard the soft moan he’d missed so much over the last few months he picked her up and carried her to his truck. He drove the short distance home at a breakneck pace.

♥♥♥

“Good morning,” she said trying to avoid assaulting him with her morning breath. He pinched her upper thigh. “Oww. What was that for?”

“I wanted to make sure you were really here and not just a dream.”

“You’re suppose to pinch yourself.”

“I like pinching you better,” he said with a chuckle.

She sat up in the bed, making sure to cover her body with the sheet. “Last night, we got distracted and really didn’t get to talk about the things that came between us.”

“You’re right.” He sat up too. “I know you think you won’t have a career here, but I was thinking. I did a lot of thinking about you while you were gone.”

“I was thinking about you too. I was more hoping that you didn’t hate me. You wouldn’t talk to me and I thought it was because you hated me and didn’t want me anymore.”

“If I talked to you there was a good chance I’d be in jail for kidnapping. Hearing your voice made me want to tie you up and bring you back here against your will.”

“Is it wrong that I’m kind of turned on by that?”

“Only if it’s wrong that it turns me on that that turns you on.”

“You said you were thinking about my career?” She asked getting them back on task.

“Well, I was thinking about all the advice and help you’ve given. Like helping with the transfer of the farm and Cooper mentioned you helping him with some contracts.”

“How much business is it like that, and how many of the people around here are going to come to me.”

“You saw the turnout at our wedding.”

“That’s because word got out it was an open bar.”

He laughed. “That was part of it, but most of them were there for us. They were happy for me because they like you so much. Most people blame me for you leaving. I’ve talked with a lot of people and they want you to take them on as clients. I was thinking you can start in the house and as you get more clients we can rent an office in Bloomington.”

“Or I can go work at a small firm there. One of my professors is a partner and was excited to get my call this afternoon. I’m suppose to have lunch with her and her partner later in the week.”

“I wish there was a way for you to have your big city firm and be here with me.”

“I don’t. I don’t feel that I’m giving anything up by being right here. I experienced the big city firm and I didn’t like it. In fact I hated it. I was just a very small cog in a giant machine.”

“At least now you won’t wonder about the road not taken.”

“True.” She took a deep breath, “I did some thinking about the Misti issue.”

“About that-”

“Listen, I love you,” she continued before he could speak. “If being a stepmother is part of the package, I’ll be the best stepmother I can be. With Misti for a mother the child will need all the help it can get.”

“Do you really mean that?”

“Yes.”

“How did I get so lucky?” he asked pulling her close.

“I drive a foreign car.”

“You won’t be a stepmother. The baby’s not mine. Trevor, one of the bartenders at Cooper’s place said he drove me home Halloween night. She was already pregnant that night anyway.”

“I’m sorry I ran. I won’t do that again. It was just all so overwhelming and I didn’t deal with it as well as I could have.”

“I should have told you about Misti sooner.”

“I should have told you about the applications and interviews.”

“We can’t keep things from each other. We have to be honest about everything, including our feelings.”

She let the sheet fall to her waist. “I feel like making up for lost time.”

♥♥♥

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