JAXON (The Caine Brothers Book 4) (14 page)

She’d never been more relieved than when they moved on to tour the farmer’s market. It was one of the biggest of the season. So many of the booths had samples of fruits, veggies, breads, sweets, jams, jellies, and other foods that by the time they returned to Summer’s place for chili, Lily was already full.

Jaxon ate a loaded chili dog and moaned his appreciation until Summer chuckled, satisfied with his approval.

When they finished eating, Jaxon pushed his plate away, wiped his face, and said, “What now?”

Lily couldn’t help chuckling. “You’re like a kid at the fair.”

“I’m having fun. Let’s go check out the amphitheater.”

Music had played in the background all day as different bands and musicians took the stage, or the festival had broadcast music over the loudspeakers, but they still hadn’t managed to get over and listen.

They strolled to the amphitheater, holding hands. It hurt to hold hands. But it hurt not to hold hands. Lily had already started to steel herself for when he left, but it hadn’t helped at all.

She hadn’t told Summer, but she planned to wait until Jaxon left to confirm her pregnancy. She’d deal with the future after that. She suspected Jaxon would go back to his life and she’d fade into his memory. If she was pregnant, she knew she’d have to tell him. She couldn’t be one of those women who hid a baby from its father. He deserved to know. But, back in his real life, it might seem less important. Maybe he’d visit his child every now and then. Write, send birthday and holiday gifts, call.

She harbored no fantasy that somehow they’d have an idyllic life together. Music was his life and he couldn’t do that here. Food activism was her life, and she was committed to her causes and organizations in Houston. That left them at an impasse.

Jaxon found them a spot in the shade and laid out a blanket they’d brought. An all-female group had the stage, singing something country.

Lily sat on the blanket and Jaxon laid with his head in her lap. She brushed his hair back from his face, stroking her fingers through it as she listened to the music. He closed his eyes and smiled.

“That feels good.”

She froze. “I can’t do this anymore, Jaxon.” She choked on the words, they hurt so bad to say.

“I’d ask you what you mean, but I guess I know.”

“The fake happiness is killing me.”

“It’s not fake. I’ve really never been this happy. I’ve just chosen to enjoy it while I can.”

She pursed her lips in a sour line before saying, “Well, good for you. But my heart is breaking. I know you have to go, and that’s fine. Neither of us ever made any promises. But I can’t help having fallen in love with you, and I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt.”

“You could come with me.”

She studied his face—his eyes—to decide if he meant it, or if he just said it because it seemed like something he should say. That she’d just been thinking about it gave her chills of déjà vu. His expression convinced her of his sincerity, which only deflated her more.

“I don’t think I can do that. I wouldn’t fit into your world the way you’ve fit into mine. Besides, I have important work here.”

He took her hand in his and kissed the palm. “There are hungry people everywhere. They could all use your help.”

She hadn’t thought about that. He had a point. But with all the traveling his band inevitably did, she’d never be in one place long enough to do anything useful. Then there was the maybe-baby. She didn’t want to drag a baby all over the world in a plane or a bus, from stadium to auditorium to whatever other venue he played at.

“I don’t know how well that would work.”

“Do you not want to come with me?”

“Are you asking me to?” Her heart soared that he might flat-out ask. She’d told herself over and over it wasn’t practical, she couldn’t go, she had a life here. She tried to think of it as ripping off a bandage and allowing the healing to take place. But her raw, in-love heart wanted him to ask.

“I want you to do what you want to do.”

Her heart sank. He wouldn’t ask her. And why would he? It was foolish of her to dream about it. Each of them had separate, incompatible lives, and she knew that. It was silly to think otherwise. Before she’d met him, Lily had been pragmatic, no-nonsense, rational. Jaxon had turned her life and her heart upside down. It would take a while after he left, but she’d get back to herself, and get her life back onto an even keel, maybe plus one.

Whoever said it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all was an idiot. It hurt like hell.

He checked the time on his phone, then sat up and grabbed his guitar. “Before you say anything else, I have something for you.”

He hopped up and took off for the stage. When he got there, he climbed the steps and grabbed the mic.

“Hi everyone. I hope you’re enjoying the afternoon here at the festival.”

He received some lukewarm response from the crowd. Lily bit her lip and chuckled. He probably hadn’t had that little audience interaction in ages.

“Well, I’m having a great time,” he said, soldiering on. “My name is Jaxon. I’m going to play a song for you I wrote just recently for an amazing woman. It’s called ‘Loving Lily.’”

Lily’s mouth fell open in shock as he launched into the opening chords. It started slow and soulful, then built into a kind of rock ballad that sounded good even on an acoustic guitar. She could imagine it with a full band in a big concert.

The lyrics spoke to everything they’d experience together—the joy, the power, the desire, the bittersweet. It murmured to her heart, whispering tempting promises that dared her to drop everything and run away with him. To tell him her secret and hope they could be a family.

He was very good—at writing, singing, and performing. She understood why millions of women—fans in general—mooned over him. By the time he’d hit the middle of the song, he even had the crowd at the festival mesmerized. If they hadn’t paid him any attention when he walked on stage, he sure had it now. People clapped along, some had got up to dance, but everyone’s eyes were on the stage.

He had a gift.

He’d given a piece of it to her.

Right before he planned to leave.

Jaxon strolled into the studio in Los Angeles, ready to work. He felt alive, energized, and confident. This album would be even bigger than the last.

If only he could stop thinking about Lily. It had only been a little over a week, but he had no experience with this kind of thing. How long did it take to get over being in love with someone?

He moved through the lobby and into the bowels of the building. When he entered the outer part of the actual recording studio, he ran into Cory and Marco. Through the glass he could see Simon on his keyboards.

“There he is,” Cory said, dragging Jaxon into a bear hug. “We missed you, man.”

“Right,” Jaxon said. “Like you didn’t all scatter to the wind and live it up.”

Cory shrugged. “Okay, speaking for myself, I missed you. Not enough to sit around and mope about it, but I noticed you weren’t there.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“Yo,” Marco said. “Are we going to do this? Simon’s been in there warming up his nimble fingers and driving me ape-shit crazy with his neo-techno-whatever-the-hell crap he’s playing.”

“Y’all have had a chance to read through the songs and music, right?” Jaxon asked, ignoring Marco’s grumbling.

He’d given everything to Mike when he got back to town, and Mike had distributed it to the guys.

“Yeah, we looked at it. It’s good stuff,” Marco said.

“I like it,” Cory said.

Jermaine entered the room with a donut and coffee. He grinned when he saw Jaxon. “My man,” he said.

“Hey Jermaine. How’s it going?”

“Good. The new songs are good. It’s a different sound, but good.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you had an epiphany of some sort while you were on retreat,” Cory said. He raised his brows in a question, as if he expected Jaxon to spill.

Instead, Jaxon just shrugged. “I just needed some time away.”

“So how was the kooky caretaker?” Marco asked, hitting closer to the target that Cory had taken aim at.

“She was hot, wasn’t she?” Jermaine asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

Yes, she was. He missed her. There had to be a way for things to work. But no matter how he turned it over in his head, he couldn’t figure it out.

“She was nice,” he said. “Can we get to work? Where’s Mike?”

“Nice? That’s it?” Marco asked.

“She musta been old, or ugly, or lesbian or something,” Jermaine said.

“Actually, she was a gorgeous little ginger activist,” Jaxon said, acknowledging a protective need to defend Lily. “And she was nice.”

At that moment Simon popped his head out of the studio area and in his crisp British accent asked, “So are we going to make some music or what?”

Thank God for Simon. Otherwise, Jaxon might have made more of a fool of himself.

Mike followed shortly behind Jermaine with his own coffee and donut, as Marco and Jermaine were headed into the studio.

“Just stop playing that weird shit,” Marco said, following Simon.

“Good to see you Jaxon,” Mike said. “By the looks of it, the retreat was just the ticket.”

“Yeah,” Jaxon said.

Cory gave him a suspicious side-eye, and grabbed him by the arm. “C’mon. Let’s make some music.”

They flew through recording, and four months later—with a week break to visit family at Christmas, while trying not to think about being in Houston and not seeing Lily—after all the mixing and post-production and whatnot, Jaxon was pretty damn proud of what they’d done.

They were two days away from debuting some of the songs at their next concert, but Jaxon couldn’t summon his usual pre-concert excitement. He wished Lily could be there to see it.

“What the fuck is up with you?” Cory asked.

They sat in the living room of Cory’s beach house in Malibu, just the two of them, drinking beer, eating pizza, and playing video games.

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been different since you got back. You’re distant, and broody. More serious. If I didn’t know you better, I’d say you were sad.”

Jaxon didn’t think he’d come across as sad. Maybe distant and serious. He’d thought he hid his feelings better than that. “Sorry.”

“Sorry? Jeez, what really happened to you in Houston?”

Cory was his best friend, and after his brothers the one person he should be able to talk to about anything.

He took a leap of faith and hoped Cory wouldn’t laugh at him. “I met someone.”

Cory nodded, maintaining his focus on the game, taking Jaxon’s announcement in stride. “She the one all these songs are about?”

“They’re not
all
about her.”

Cory snorted and paused the game. “Dude, they’re all about her. You fell in love.”

“No, I didn’t.” His denial was half-hearted at best. And a big fat lie. “Okay, fine. I did. But I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve never been in love.”

Cory put his hands up in defense. “Don’t look at me. I haven’t either. You need to talk to someone who has. Aren’t some of your brothers married?”

“Yeah.”

“So ask them.”

“You’re not freaked out by this?”

“Are you?”

“Kind of.”

Cory grabbed another piece of pizza and took a bite, chewing thoughtfully. Once he’d swallowed, he said, “You were out of control, before. I’m not surprised you crashed and burned. Whoever she is, it’s obvious she made a difference in your life. She’s important enough and special enough that she cut through your bullshit past and got to you. I can’t wait to meet her.”

“She and I talked about this before I left. How would we make a relationship work when we’re always on the road, bouncing around from town to town? She’s involved in a lot of causes and charity organizations in Houston that she doesn’t want to leave behind. Our lives are literally incompatible.”

“We can’t keep up this pace forever. It’s no way to live, man,” Cory said. “I always thought of it like we’d do the crazy life on the road until we got established and had a solid fan base, then we could settle and have a saner touring schedule.”

Jaxon didn’t know why he hadn’t thought about that. He sort of figured they’d go full force until their fame burned out, but how did the bands with staying power do it? They couldn’t keep up the kind of pace Raising Caine had set, so why should Raising Caine?

A tiny spark of hope came to life in his mind. Maybe, just maybe he could have his career and have Lily, too.

While Cory worked on his pizza and beer and went back to his game, Jaxon texted Hunter, Xander, and Damian, asking if they were available for a Skype call. Damian was out of the country somewhere on a super-secret SEAL mission, but Hunter and Xander signed on.

“Hey, bro, what’s up?” Xander said, his face tiny on the phone screen.

“Hang on,” Jaxon said, then to Cory—who had just lost his game and sworn about it while slamming his controller on the table—he said, “I’m switching to the TV. You’re done, right?”

“Yeah. Stupid fucking game,” Cory grumbled.

Jaxon switched the Skype call to the TV, and his brothers’ faces suddenly filled the screen.

“Hey, guys,” Jaxon said. “You remember Cory?”

“What’s up?” Xander asked. “When are you going to come see us?”

“You sound like an old grandmother,” Hunter said, smirking.

“Shut up, asshole,” Xander said.

“I was actually in Houston for a month in August. That’s part of why I’m calling.”

“Wait, you were in town and didn’t visit any of us?” Hunter asked.

“Jesus, you guys. We saw each other at Christmas.”

“What were you so busy with in August you couldn’t even call?” Xander asked. Jaxon knew they were just giving him shit, but he hoped Xander didn’t find out he’d taken Lily to the Outpost and hadn’t told him. He’d never hear the end of that.

“I was on a retreat. We were scheduled to be in the studio to record a new album in October, but I couldn’t write. So I needed a break. Anyway, the reason I called is…”

He didn’t know how to tell them he’d fallen in love without it turning into a shit-fest. At Damian’s wedding they’d all been merciless when he claimed he’d remain a bachelor forever.