Jodi's Journey (30 page)

“Point taken,” she agreed. “All right, say
whatever it is you want to say so I can get on with my bath. I was
really looking forward to this time. Now you've come along and
spoiled it.”

Hunt hung his head for a long moment, then
looked up at the door. How could he tell her all he needed to tell
her in one day? There was so much he wanted to share with her, but
they had to get past a few of the impasses first. “Back on the
trail, we kind of came to some conclusions.”

She rolled her eyes. “And you are worried I
took you too seriously?”

“No.” He shot up out of the chair and looked
at her again. This time, his eyes softened on her, all of her. His
gaze went down the length of the tub. He still couldn't see
anything, the tub was full of bubbles, but he intimated he could. A
man could only stand so much and his limits were close. After all,
he was her husband. “No, I only hope you were serious.”

She blushed.

There was a dangerous arousal to his gaze, he
was certain. He couldn't hide everything from her.

“Go on and turn your head back to the door,
please.”

“All right, that's fair.” He smiled
seductively. “I couldn't concentrate on what I needed to say if I
kept looking at you.”

She studied him a long moment, her eyes going
up and down him thoroughly, obviously trying to embarrass him a
little. But he didn't feel the slightest bit embarrassed.

“Couldn't we take this up…later?” she
suggested.

“No.” He didn't hesitate with that word. His
voice was soft, but serious. He cleared his throat. “We can't. I've
got some things to tell you. Then maybe we can take it up later.”
He rubbed his chin and frowned at the door. “When you first met me,
you couldn't stand the sight of me. You knew nothing about me,
really, but your feelings were completely honest, and I understood
them.”

She squirmed a little. “Well, I didn't know
you then.”

“Exactly.” He nodded. “But before you go out
of this room, you will know me for what I am. It wouldn't be fair
to start a relationship with someone without knowing a little more
about them. And us being a family is certainly a relationship.”

She seemed to consider his words, then leaned
forward a little, lifted her foot out of the water and began to
wash her toes. “All right…”

“Do you have to do that right this minute?”
he asked, his agitation showing.

“Well, this is a bathtub and I am bathing,”
she defended.

This time, he turned those dark blue eyes on
her, and without a word, he poked her foot back into the tub.

“What is the matter with you?” she
yelled.

“I'm trying to talk to you, and you
keep…seducing me…with those pretty pink feet.” He frowned, turning
away again.

“Humph,” she grunted, “feet are not pretty;
they are practical, not pretty.”

“Will you shut up and let me talk for a
while?” he shouted. The look in his eyes told her he was very
affected by her lack of dress, and that if she pushed it, he might
actually join her in the water.

“So talk.”

“Look…” His face was desperate, raw emotion
peeled away any façade. “I had to find some place to talk to you
that you would sit still and listen. This was the last straw. I've
got some things I need to say, but how can I talk when you sit
there looking at me with those beautiful cow eyes, and pink feet,
and God only knows what's beneath those bubbles, that is driving me
crazy. Don't you know how bad I want to jump in that tub with you?
Now settle down and behave. I've got some important things to
say…first.”

Jodi blushed again, and this time she really
was speechless.

“Jodi, the war was a horrible thing.”

“Clem told me I should put the war behind me,
that it belongs in the past.”

“Well, he's right. But I've got some things
you need to know, and I've got to talk about the war. After all,
your first opinion of me was that I was a no-account coward.”

“I didn't know you then…” she began.

“I know…just listen, please.”

“Okay, I'm listening.”

“It pitted brother against brother, family
against family. Just like that jayhawker was telling you. Some men,
well…some men became worse: monsters, mean, hard. Some men became
cowards. I was one of them.”

Jodi heard his words and took a deep breath.
“I've gotten to know you pretty well on the trail, and you didn't
run from anything. You handled that herd as though you were born to
do so. So what happened in the war…doesn't matter anymore. Clem…he
told me I needed to put the war away. He said it was over and best
forgotten. I think he was right, don't you?”

Hunt glanced down at her after she finished
speaking. She wasn't as prepared for the desire she saw in his
eyes. This time, she looked away.

But she knew he continued to look at her, all
of her. He sat very still, his eyes seeming to memorize every part
of her as though he could really see through the bubbles.

Finally, he trained his eyes back on the door
and she was able to relax again.

“I was a Confederate officer,” he began,
taking a deep breath.

“I'd heard that much,” she added.

“But you didn't know I was a Union spy, did
you?” he asked, his voice lowering a notch.

Her breath hitched. “A spy…?” Her eyes
rounded on him with surprise.

“Yeah, a spy. And to understand this you have
to know about Jacob. You see, when I was growing up, Jacob was my
best friend. We played, fished, hunted, did everything together.
But Jacob was a Negro, something that didn't bother me one way or
another. Still doesn't.”

“I understand that. I've seen that in you,
the way you accept people for what they are, not how they
look.”

“To make a long story short, they hung Jacob
when he was only eleven years old,” Hunt said in finality, as
though that said everything.

Jodi gasped and looked at him. “Why? Why did
they hang him? And who hung him?”

“His crime was stealing a pie. But it was
more than that. He was black and they wanted to make an example of
him to the community. So they hung him. They wanted his dad, who
was a real thief. They figured if they hung his boy, he'd show up.
They were right. His dad got wind of what was going on, but he was
too late to help Jacob. As Jacob hung from the rope, his dad lay at
his feet, crying and begging for the boy's life. As to who hung
him, it was the upstanding citizens of the town, the mayor
included.”

Jodi felt emotions clouding her. “Go on…” She
listened intently.

“They didn't do anything to his father except
beat him half to death. But they stopped just short of killing him.
I was hiding in the bushes, crying. They just left Jacob there,
swinging from that danged rope.”

“And how did this affect you?” Jodi
whispered. “I mean, what changed…?”

“It affected me badly, I'm afraid. Jacob
meant a lot to me. So when I got older I enlisted in the Union
army, never once forgetting about Jacob. I wanted to free them all;
I wanted to help those people. No matter what it took. I wanted to
see justice done. However, since I was southern born and bred, the
Union army decided I'd be more valuable to them if I spied as a
Confederate officer. So they had me enlist in the Confederate army.
I had more education than most of them, so they gave me an
officer's title. Jodi…” He looked at her with such raw emotion.
“You aren't going to like what I'm about to tell you, but I'm
responsible for a lot of southern boys dying.”

Jodi hesitated, confused by all these facts,
and yet, knowing him as she did, she faltered with trying to
understand. “I'm listening.”

“I knew your brother, Jodi. Oh, not
personally, but I recognized him, and I saw him fall as I joined my
troops. By then, even I was confused as to how I felt about the war
and the people in it. You'll be glad to know, your brother fought
to the end. He was a good soldier.”

Jodi's tears began to fall now. She was
unable to stop them. “Go on. Tell me all of it.”

“It was at Shiloh where he fell, along with
many others from Esser Crossing. I recognized most of them. That's
when things began to change. Things like when you see people die
who you know and there's nothing you can do to change it. I
realized that the war wasn't about just the Negroes, but about us
not understanding each other. The north and the south, they were so
different. Still are. That's why some people still fight about
it.”

“I'm not sure I follow you,” she said.

“Well, the north will say something to the
south and the south doesn't understand it and gets angry. It's
almost like two countries going at it, not able to make out what
the other is all about.”

“Was my father among them?” she choked.

“No…he wasn't there.” Hunt cleared his throat
again. One hand went to her shoulder, but only to steady her, not
seduce her.

“I'm glad you told me about my brother,” she
cried, turning her head. “I've so wanted to know about him.”

“I'm sorry, Jodi.”

Jodi rested her head against the bathtub. She
moved her lips to graze the top of his hand, then she turned away
again.

“My father talked my brother into joining. I
didn't want him to go. Begged him to stay out of it. But he always
wanted to make Pa proud. I don't know what happened to Pa. I may
never know.”

Hunt nodded. He wouldn't hurt her with the
truth of this. He couldn't. It would be too cruel. It was one
secret he would keep no matter what. To protect her. “Maybe it's
best…”

“Maybe…”

“Anyway, I began to doubt whether I had
chosen the right side. I had become close to the men in my troop.
Too close. An officer can't do that or he'll go mad. So many of
them fell. But God saved me…in a way. It wasn't a way I would have
chosen, but he did get me out of that war.”

Jodi scrunched up her nose. “What do you mean
God saved you?”

“You believe in God. I heard you talking to
him once, myself,” Hunt said, gazing into her eyes for a
moment.

“Yeah…I believe in him. And his son. And that
he died to save us from our sins.”

“Me too. Anyway, the next battle, we met with
cannon fire. My men had taken a beating; they couldn't go on. We
were low on ammunition, had too many injured. But I had to lead
them…and I did—right into a trap. A trap I knew was waiting for
them. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done.

“A cannon went off close by, very close, and
suddenly I couldn't hear. Nothing. I saw their mouths move, saw
them die, but I couldn't help them. I saw them being cut down, one
by one, but I couldn't stop it. I couldn't give them instructions
to save themselves, even though by now, I wanted to—desperately
wanted to. I looked around, tried to get my bearings, tried to
figure out how to go on. Every man in that troop died, Jodi. Every
man. Men I knew and liked. Just like Jacob. There was nothing to go
back to. Nothing to stay for. I knew I couldn't take it anymore so
I reported to my superior officers on the Confederate side. They
issued an immediate discharge, a medical discharge. They simply
told me to go home. From their expressions, they knew the cowardice
inside me.”

“And the Union…what happened? Did they let
you go too?” Her emotions were caught up in his story now; she had
somehow put down her brother’s death and gone on.

“No…I left and I never went back to them. So
you see, what you thought of me was correct. I was a coward. I
deserted the Union army.”

“Well, under the circumstances, I wouldn't
say you deserted. I mean, seems to me like you could only be
discharged by one.”

“I should have gone back. I should have faced
my responsibility.”

“No, I don't believe that. Not in your
condition. Oh why didn't you tell anyone about this…all the
suffering you did?”

“Because I couldn’t hear, I got my men
killed, Jodi. Don't you see?” he gasped.

Jodi sat up in the tub, forgetting her
protection, but then grabbing it. “You are deaf?”

“Partially, yes.” Hunt nodded. Now he was
looking at her. His eyes glazed with the desire she, too, felt.

“Why didn't you tell anyone?” she exclaimed.
“I mean, when you came home? People drew their own conclusions. All
of them wrong. Including me…”

“Because I felt when I came back that I had
deserted my men, let them down, got them killed, and my allegiance
to the North seemed ludicrous. I no longer understood where I
belonged. I killed my own men in that last battle as surely as if I
had pulled the trigger,” he said gruffly. “And I been living with
their ghosts ever since.”

There was a long silence, then her wet hand
extended to touch his. “I'm glad you told me. I can understand you
better now.”

Hunt looked at her, his eyes full of regrets,
his mouth hung in defeat.

“So now you know. I am the coward you always
thought I was. I wanted you to know, so that there are no lies
between us. I still want to make a family, to raise the baby…but if
this cuts too deep, then let me know now.”

“You still want to raise this child as your
own?” she barely uttered.

“Yes. You see, I don't care that it's
Hershel's baby. It's just a baby to me. A sweet, innocent little
baby. And Hershel will never have the pleasure of knowing it was
his,” he said, staring at her.

“I like that idea…a lot,” she murmured, her
eyes seeking his.

“But can you live with me…knowing what you do
now?”

“Is that all you want from me? Just to live
with you?” she asked breathlessly, awaiting his answer.

“I don't deserve much else, but it would make
me h…” He choked on his words. “My god, Jodi!”

She had stepped out of the tub, wrapping a
towel around her as she came up to him and threw his hat on the
floor. She pulled his shirt up from his pants; he helped her get it
off. She tugged at his belt buckle and smiled impishly. “I think,”
she said in her most provocative tone, “it's time Hunter Johnson
took what's his…”