Joke Trap (5 page)

Grandad was laughing so much he looked like he was going to have a heart attack. Dad, on the other hand, didn’t seem to like being on the receiving end of so many Dad Jokes. ‘Excuse me,’ Dad said, as he tried to move past Grandad. But Grandad spun around and caught Dad in a huge bear hug. He squeezed him so tight I thought Dad’s eyes were going to pop out.

‘What are you doing?’ Dad asked, gasping, as he tried to squirm free. But Grandad wouldn’t let go.

‘Oh, sorry, son,’ he said at last, loosening his grip. ‘I thought you said “Squeeze me”.’

Dad looked as if he was about to say something but then he just rolled his eyes and marched off towards the kitchen.

When we’d all sat down for lunch, Grandad tapped his knife against one of the glasses to get our attention. Then, just as we’d arranged, he made a little speech. He announced that we were putting on a show and that the dad’s should sit back, relax and enjoy.

It was then that both the dad’s started to look really worried.

R
ight on cue, Mattie and Hattie jumped up from the table. We’d built a mini stage at one end of grandad’s family room, with a curtain we could pull across. We’d lined up the desk lamps we’d collected — from the council clean-up, plus the ones from Grandad’s place and the ones from our own bedrooms — in front of the stage. They were the most bizarro set of footlights you’ve ever seen.

First up was Ben. He popped out through the curtain and started the show with a blistering harmonica solo — just to get everyone’s attention. There was an especially good bit where he made a sound like a train going faster and faster. Even the two dads were whooping and hollering and applauding.

Then I pulled on the ropes to make the curtains sweep apart and Hattie and Mattie ran onto the stage.

They’d been rehearsing for days.

First they sang the Crystal Gale song, ‘Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue,’ but they sang it so it went, ‘Doughnuts Make My Brown Eyes Blue’ — just like Ben’s dad always sings it. They had doughnuts hidden behind their backs and every time they sang ‘doughnuts’ they pulled them out and held them up to their eyes, like a weird pair of doughnutty glasses.

Next up was the Britney Spears song, ‘Oops, I Did It Again’. But they used the same lyrics as Ben’s dad — ‘Oops I Dated A Pen’. As they sang, Mattie and Hattie each pulled out a pen and starting dancing with it. They even started talking to the pens, and giving them little kisses.

Finally they sang the Human League song, ‘Don’t You Want Me Baby?’ But, of course, they sang it Ben’s-dad style — ‘Don’t Chew On Me Baby’, with Mattie and Hattie dancing around pretending to chew each others’ arms.

We thought it was a really excellent show and laughed until we were nearly sick, but Ben’s dad just sat there, not knowing what to say. He looked a bit deflated by the end of the last song. All he said was, ‘But I thought Britney really did date a pen. I thought it was all about how she loved to write things down.’

After the show, Dad asked if the food was ready yet. ‘No, Dad,’ I said, trying to control my Joke Mouth, ‘it’s more of a brownish colour.’

Grandad then put a really huge platter in the middle of the table. I knew I had to get in first with the classic Dad Joke, so I quickly said, ‘Well, here’s
my
meal. I don’t know what the rest of you are having.’

Dad was left opening and closing his mouth like a fish. He was obviously just about to say the same thing. Oh well, too slow.

During the meal I kept up a steady stream of Dad Jokes.

When some of Dad’s peas slipped off his plate, I got in with, ‘Look, Dad, you’ve pee’d on the table.’

And as soon we’d finished eating, I leaned back, patted my tummy and said, ‘Good thing we ate when we did, because I’m not a bit hungry now!’

I’d heard all these gags about a million times from Dad, but now he was too weak and delirious to say them first. We were like two prize fighters going into the fifteenth round. And he hadn’t landed one punch.

Finally I went in for the killer blow. Just after Grandad served dessert (it was ice-cream with topping), I asked Dad what time it was.

He fell right into my trap. He looked at his watch. ‘It’s 2. 30.’

Ben and I had been planning this moment all week. We both chorused back at him, ‘Well you’d better go to the dentist then.’

Dad just looked blank. So we had to explain. ‘Tooth hurty. So you better go and see a dentist, get it? Get it?’

We both burst out laughing. And so did Mattie and Hattie, who giggled so much they ended up rolling around on the floor again.

Dad looked like he was in pain. He groaned and held his stomach, then put his hands over his ears as if just one more Dad Joke might cause his brain to explode. Ben’s dad did the same.

Dad finally got up from the table. He looked totally defeated. ‘I understand what you are trying to do. You are trying to teach me that while bad jokes are wonderful, I have to sometimes give you a break from them. Just as I would like a break right now.’

Ben’s dad stood up, too. ‘And that while singing along to music is good fun, maybe I should learn at least some of the words. Because listening to the wrong words all the time is, well, a little bit painful.’

Ben and I smiled. Maybe the dad’s weren’t so bad after all. Maybe we should cut them some slack. And maybe we should stop making terrible jokes ourselves for a little bit.

The trouble was, almost straightaway, they really did ask for it.

‘Let’s have a truce,’ Dad said. ‘Shall I put the kettle on?’

I couldn’t help myself. ‘Only,’ I said, ‘if you think it will fit. I reckon it might be a bit tight on you, though.’

After we’d had tea we all said goodbye to Grandad. Ben and I promised to come back the next day to help take down all the props. For the first ten minutes of the drive home
nobody said anything. Not Ben. Not me. Not Hattie or Mattie. Not the dads. The car was full of the most terrible silence. I guess my dad didn’t want to say anything in case a Dad Joke came out. And Ben’s dad probably didn’t want to put a CD on in case he started singing along to it with the wrong words.

And we didn’t want to talk. After giving the dad’s such a hard time, it seemed a bit mean to say anything that was even a little bit fun.