Joke Trap (3 page)

‘Oh, yeah,’ said Ben, seeing exactly what I meant, ‘he’d say, “I bought this pear on credit — that’s why they decided to charge it”.’

‘Or,’ I said, inwardly groaning, ‘he’d say, “this fruit should be wearing long pants — I’m sick of these shorts”.’

‘Or,’ said Ben, “I’m sick of the state of this fruit — it’s just shocking”.’

By this time we were rolling around laughing like really little kids. I’d cracked up at all our jokes so far, but I knew I could go one better.

‘Or,’ I said, ‘he’d say, “If I wanted to conduct something, I’d have chosen a banana”. And then he’d hum a bit of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony — “Ba – Na – Na – Na - Na”.’

It was Ben’s turn to shout for mercy. ‘You’d better watch it, you’re getting good at Dad Jokes. It might be contagious.’

Suddenly we both stopped laughing. I felt sick in the stomach. Maybe he was right. Maybe it was genetic. I had to do something to stop my father, or I would end up spouting lame jokes whether I liked it or not.

And, who knows, Ben might start muddling up all the lyrics to his favourite songs.

Something had to be done — and fast.

I
t was Ben who finally came up with the idea of how to cure both dads. The plan involved Ben, me, my grandad, and Hattie and Mattie. It also involved a lot of preparation.

First we had to collect the ammunition. We needed a long list of song lyrics that people had mangled. And as many terrible Dad Jokes as we could find. Once we had a decent collection of both, we’d need to lay our trap.

First came the song lyrics. We asked our
friends, we asked our neighbours, we even asked our teachers, ‘What are the song lyrics you always get muddled up?’

My maths teacher, Mr Oswolski, said he’d always loved a song with the lyric ‘ride on the peace train’. Except he thought it was ‘right on the pea stain’.

And Ben’s mum admitted there’s a song which goes, ‘There’s a bad moon on the rise’. Except she always thought it went, ‘There’s a bathroom on the right’.

We asked Ben’s big brother and he confessed he really loved this song with the words, ‘I like smoke and lightning’. But for ages he thought they were singing, ‘I like smoking ice-cream’.

Then came the Dad Jokes. We collected stacks of them. In the supermarket, Mr Romano told us how he used to say to his father ‘I’m hungry’, and his father would always say back to him, ‘Hi Hungry, I’m your father’.

‘It was such a terrible joke,’ Mr Romano said, shaking his head, ‘but he’d say it every single time‘.

Then we saw Sam in the veggie shop and asked him if his dad did any Dad Jokes.

‘Oh, yes,’ Sam said, as he sorted through some tomatoes. ‘I once had an accident and had to go to hospital. When I woke up after the operation my father put on a very serious face and asked the doctor, “Will he be able to play the piano?” And the doctor said, “Yes, he’ll be fine”. And then my dad said, “That’s funny, because he could never play it before”. For years afterwards he told everyone about what he’d said as if it was the best joke ever.’

Next we saw Susan, one of the parents who used to coach our debating team. We asked her about Dad Jokes and she groaned straightaway.

‘At school I’d been taught about the steam engine and how it had been invented by this man called Watt. I told my Dad and then every time we’d say “What?” at home, my father would say, “Watt? Didn’t he invent the steam engine?” It wasn’t funny the first time, but that didn’t stop him from saying it again and again. ‘

We went all day like this, collecting songs and jokes until Ben announced we had plenty. ‘Enough,’ he said, ‘now it’s time to gather the props.’

I still didn’t quite know what Ben had in mind, but he showed me the list of props. It was pretty intriguing:

We managed to collect most of the props from the council clean-up — except the roast beef, of course. Then we were ready to go around to my grandad’s house so we could put the master plan into action.

I explained to Grandad about my new school and how I was trying to make some friends. I told him how Dad was getting worse and worse with the Dad Jokes. And how I knew that if I brought a friend home, Dad would be really embarrassing, and how I would just
die
if Dad did the fart joke.

Then Ben explained about his harmonica and the band, and how embarrassed he would be if his father gave Stevie a lift home.

Grandad just sat there listening to us. Once we’d stopped talking, he sat there for a while longer. And then he started to laugh. And laugh. And laugh.

He laughed until tears were rolling down his face.

Finally he managed to get a few words out. ‘I will definitely help you. For a start, I need to get revenge myself. I used to know lots of Dad Jokes. And I used to do them when your dad was little,’ he said, turning to me, ‘but your dad was such a wimp. He was a very serious little boy and he used to frown and beg me to stop joking, so in the end I gave in. I remember he gave me a really long lecture about doing the fart joke when he was about ten years old. ‘

Grandad stood up like he was about to make a speech. ‘You know, he gave me such a hard time I once went a whole month without doing the gag about the graveyard. You know, the one about how the graveyard is…’

‘Yes,’ I groaned, ‘the dead centre of town.’

‘Yeah,’ said Grandad, ‘but I had this other one about how people are just…’