Jolt! (19 page)

The professional counseling process, getting his spiritual and moral priorities back in order, and Mike's slow but determined decision to overcome his addiction and get his life back on track is a remarkable story.

That night over dinner when Mike told me the story of his recovery, the one thing that stood out on his journey back to health and wholeness was accountability. The first thing Mike did was to leave the ministry in order to take the time to work through the problem. The second thing he did was to set up a relationship of accountability with another pastor. He said that without the element of accountability, all the counseling, education, and love in the world would have failed.

» ACCOUNTABILITY IS CRITICAL IN A DIGITAL CULTURE WHERE INDISCRETIONS ARE NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO HIDE.

Accountability is simply agreeing with a trusted friend who will hold you to your promises—someone you meet with regularly, who knows you intimately, who isn't afraid to speak the truth in love, who will call you to excellence, and who will force you to stay the course. When I met Mike, it was after two years of accountability and counseling. His marriage was stronger than ever, and he had grown to the point that another pastor had given him the chance to be mentored under his leadership, as the first step of his eventual restoration into full-time ministry.

The changes you need to make may not have anything to do with an addiction to pornography. (Although for male readers, I would urge you to do a gut check on your desires and feelings in this area. Most of us guys love to see a beautiful woman, and in a society where sexuality is flaunted, it's often difficult to avoid taking that second look. So it never hurts to understand that, for most males, the potential for sexual blunders is significant, and I would suggest you not only stay on the alert but also keep an ongoing dialogue with your wife or friend about the issue.)

But even if the immediate changes you need to make are in other areas, accountability is still critical. Find someone you know, trust, and respect. (I say this because if it's someone you don't respect, chances are, you won't take his warnings or advice.) Share with him your desire for change, and both of you agree that you'll work together to help keep you on the path toward real change.

TIPS ON ACCOUNTABILITY

Find the right person.

It might be your doctor, pastor, spouse, mentor, or a respected friend. In most cases, I don't recommend someone from the office since the political pressures of the workplace might come into play. You need to find a person who isn't intimidated by you and who will tell you the truth in love, no matter what. Finding someone who knows something about the particular area you're trying to change is good. For instance, if you want to improve your leadership skills, your spouse might not be the best accountability partner. On the other hand, if you want to improve your listening, he or she might be perfect.

Find someone with your personal values. For instance, if spiritual faith is important to you, don't pick someone who trivializes religion; or if you're a political conservative, pick another political conservative. The same holds true for a liberal. The point is, you don't want your time together derailed because of conflicting beliefs or values, so find a partner who shares your personal views on morality, ethics, values, and even political ideals. The purpose of these sessions is accountability, not debate, so you don't want to waste your precious time arguing about issues that have nothing to do with your desire for change.

Meet together on a regular basis.

Generally, I recommend once or twice a month. If it's a critical change, however, you might want to meet on a weekly basis. Share your progress, ask for insights and suggestions, and be completely open and transparent. No one can help you if you're holding back, so if you want real change, spill your guts.

If you want to change your attitude toward people, tell your accountability partner if you've been short with an assistant or rude to another employee. If you want to change your time management skills, tell him how many times you were late this week. Your accontability partner can't help you if you hold back, so give him the information he needs so he can help you progress.

Probably the best accountability partner is another person who wants to grow and change. I suggest you find someone who wants to change in other areas, but the fact that your partner also wants to change will make him or her more committed and helpful in your situation. Plus, it's always encouraging when you can help that individual as well, because it gives you both an increased motivation to grow.

Consider more than one accountability partner.

I know many executives who meet with a group of two or three people. Too many becomes time-consuming and unwieldy, but multiple members of a group can often bring more insight and wisdom to the mix.

» A REAL ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER IS A “TEAM MEMBER” WHO'S DEDICATED TO YOUR SUCCESS. PICK YOUR PARTNERS WISELY, MEET WITH THEM REGULARLY, AND COMMIT TO THE PROCESS.

How long should the relationship last? Technically, it should last until you've experienced genuine change. But the fact is, I know many people who started holding each other accountable in a particular area and have continued meeting for years, long after the initial purpose was accomplished. Even after they overcame their initial challenge, they found that meeting with a trusted friend on a regular basis to share experiences, obstacles, and frustrations is a fantastic tool for personal growth.

Something important to mention is that outside of a husband/wife relationship, accountability partners should be of the same gender. Intimate details and challenges are often discussed in these meetings, and it's simply not healthy for a man and woman to share this type of information—especially if either person is married to someone else. Integrity plays an important role here, and you'll achieve far better results if issues of gender and sexuality don't play a role.

Also, when you meet, it's important to realize the confidential nature of the sessions. This isn't professional counseling, but it's critical that each of you is comfortable that what you say will not be passed on to others.

Finally, understand the critical importance of “confession.” If you don't share the honest reality of what you've been experiencing, then the fact that you meet on a regular basis won't do you much good. In this case, confession isn't a religious act, but it is confessing your mistakes, shortcomings, and errors and getting them off your chest. But for confession to work, it has to be real, heartfelt, and sincere. The old adage that confession is good for the soul is correct. The Bible calls it
sin
, and although that word has fallen out of fashion today, it still is the best term I can think of for willful disobedience, cheating, lying, stealing, or compromising our integrity.

» PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON'S PHRASE HAS NOW BECOME IMMORTAL:“I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN.”

When we do make those mistakes, there's something about confession that begins the healing process. Acknowledging our mistakes and sincerely asking for forgiveness will open a door.

In a spiritual sense, God knows we made the mistake, but getting it out in the open is a major step to wholeness.

In her book
The Power of a Praying Woman
, Stormie Omartian said:

Confessing, however, is more than just apologizing. Anyone can do that. We all know people who are good apologizers. The reason they are so good at it is because they get so much practice. They have to say “I'm sorry” over and over again because they never change their ways. In fact, they sometimes say, “I'm sorry” without ever actually admitting any fault. Those are the professional apologizers. And their confessions don't mean anything. But
true
confession means admitting in full detail what you have done and then fully repenting of it. (39–40)

Historically,
repentance
has meant “changing your mind.” It's the idea that you realize your mistakes, confess them openly, and make an honest, heartfelt decision to change. But the fact is, it's a rare event in the lives of most people.

I worry sometimes what that teaches our children. Today we live in a society where an entire generation is very familiar with avoiding responsibility. It's much easier to pass the buck and blame someone else. We cheat, lie, and steal, but it's really someone else's fault.

Accountability is the key to changing the direction of our culture. When you accept the responsibility for what you need to change, when you partner with someone who sincerely wants to help you change, and when you commit to making the change, then real results begin to happen.

Find an accountability partner today and begin the process.

» JOLT #18
THE POWER OF PERCEPTION
Why It Is Just as Important as Reality

Science is nothing but perception.
—PLATO

Ransom stoddard: you're not going to use the story, Mr. scott? Maxwell Scott: No, sir. This is the West, sir. When the legend becomes fact, print the legend.
—
THE MAN WHO SHOT LIBERTY VALANCE

E
arlier I talked about filming at the headwaters of the Amazon River basin in Brazil. What I didn't mention was the trouble we ran into when we attempted to get our film equipment through customs in the Brazilian city of Manaus. The city is located about one thousand miles upriver from the Atlantic and today is a beautiful city of nearly two million people. When we arrived at the airport, which had been literally carved out of the jungle, I had a three-man crew and a number of large cases of film equipment that had to be cleared through customs.

“Can you prove you're a filmmaker from the United States?”

I had my passport, customs documentation, and equipment lists, but I'd never actually been asked to prove what I do for a living. After all, it's not like we carry a membership card or diploma around to prove we're in some type of “filmmaker's club.”

“Well I'm sorry, Mr. Cooke. Until you can prove to me you're actually an official filmmaker from the United States, I can't allow your equipment into the country. You're welcome to come in, but I'll have to keep your equipment locked here in customs until you can provide adequate documentation.”

Official filmmaker? It was insane. It's not like tourists carry nearly a million dollars' worth of film and video equipment on vacation. We argued and argued, but nothing worked. So I took the crew to the hotel, frustrated and upset because we still had airplane flights, boat charters, and numerous other connections to meet, and now everything was being thrown into chaos. We paced the hotel room, thinking, tried to make phone calls, and discussed every possible solution but came up empty.

The jungle heat and humidity didn't help. Every day we would travel back to the customs official and request the equipment, and every day he would turn us down. Assuming he was corrupt, we even quietly offered him a bribe since that technique had worked in similar situations, but no dice—he was an honest guy, but he just wouldn't budge.

After a few days, we considered returning to the United States in failure, knowing we had wasted thousands of dollars to get this far, with nothing to show for it.

The problem was
perception
. No matter how many passports, equipment lists, and travel arrangements I showed the customs official, for some reason he was convinced we weren't actual filmmakers. We argued until we were exhausted, but his
perception
just wouldn't change.

Finally, after four days of haggling and arguing with no success, I walked slowly back to my room, annoyed, knowing we had tried everything and still failed. Getting ready to undress for the night, I pulled my wallet out of my jeans pocket and for some unknown reason decided to flip through the back section, where I kept my insurance cards and driver's license, and that's when the card that changed everything fell out.

Years before, a nonprofit organization in Hollywood began publishing
American Film
, a magazine devoted to filmmaking. It was a wonderful magazine for anyone who truly loved movies, because it wasn't just another trendy publication about movie stars. It featured real articles about the behind-the-scenes process of making films, intimate interviews, interesting stories, and other information about the industry. The magazine was a highly respected division of an organization still in existence today called the American Film Institute, which conducts classes and workshops for serious filmmakers and even sponsors major industry events.

At that time, when you signed up for a subscription to the magazine, you received a membership card into the American Film Institute. It didn't really mean anything more than the magazine subscription, except that it might get you into an occasional film screening.

When the American Film Institute magazine subscription card fell out of my wallet, I had a brilliant idea, and the next morning we were back in the customs official's office.

“You want proof that we are filmmakers from the United States, right?”

“That's correct, and so far, I've seen nothing.”

I whipped out my AFI card—fortunately, the information on the card about the magazine subscription was printed on the back in very small letters, and I hoped he wouldn't notice.

“I'm a member of the American Film Institute.” I pointed at the front. “There, you can see my name printed on my membership card.”

The customs official looked at the card carefully, compared the signature with my passport, and then a light switched on in his head.

“Why didn't you tell me you were a member of the American Film Institute?” He beamed with excitement, as if he'd stumbled on a real celebrity. He had no idea what the AFI was, but it sure sounded impressive.

“Welcome to our country! Please enjoy your filming!”