Jolt! (9 page)

Early in my life, I learned the power of associating with successful people. I heard a story about a successful businessman who was frustrated that he was only making five hundred thousand dollars a year. By most standards, he was rich, but he wanted to move to the next salary level. At a business conference, he met a highly motivated real estate agent who was making more than one million dollars a year and asked the agent his secret. The real estate agent replied, “It's about association. I decided I wanted access to million-dollar ideas, so I associate with million-dollar people.”

That real estate agent was right. Whatever your salary or career level, if you want to get to the next step, stop spending so much time with people at your level and begin to stretch. Find people at the level you want to reach and begin associating with them. Is this snobbish? Absolutely not. There's nothing snobbish about feeding a champion athlete expensive food because coaches know that what goes into an athlete dictates how well he or she will perform. If you want to perform better in your family, in your company, in your relationships, or in your personal life, start feeding yourself from the riches of successful people.

I believe it would be a safe assumption that the great majority of people work at jobs in which they find very little personal satisfaction. Without proper training on how to make wise choices in one's life, the chances are very slim anyone will make them.
—SIDNEY MADWED, MOTIVATIONAL WRITER

3. MAKE GOOD DECISIONS EVERY DAY.

Start a habit of making strong decisions. Don't begin ordering people around and become a jerk, but stop putting things off or avoiding. Start making good decisions today. You don't have to start out making world-changing decisions about the war on terrorism or world hunger; just start with small things—that pile of papers on your desk, for instance. Just as an athlete trains his muscles for a sporting event, your decision-making muscles need to be trained, and the key is starting slow. When you see what can be accomplished in your life—even by small choices—you'll experience what I call a “decision rush” that will give you the excitement and energy to move to the next level.

Look around. What are the choices you've avoided in your life and the decisions you've been putting off? Nothing is too small or silly to begin with, because the small decisions start training you for the big ones.

Honor isn't about making the right choices. It's about dealing with the consequences.
—MIDORI KOTO,
HIGHLAN DER
CHARACTER

4. MAKE TOUGH DECISIONS ON A REGULAR BASIS.

As you grow in your decision-making skills, don't avoid the big ones. Learn to face one difficult dilemma each day and make a decision on it. Making tough decisions is all about perspective. My daughters, Kelsey and Bailey, wrestle with choices that I wouldn't think twice about because I've had far more experience. Work the decision-making muscle and expand your ability to handle the hardest decisions in life.

5. BEGIN TO GROW IN THE CHOICES YOU MAKE.

Making right choices comes from experience. Every time you make a choice— either wrong or right—learn from it. Start building a “decision data bank” that will help you the next time you're faced with a challenge and need to make a choice. Every choice has a consequence, and we have to learn to live within those decisions. Many people refuse to make choices because of the potential consequences, but thank God for people who have the courage to see beyond potential failure and make the hard choices in life.

Once decision making becomes a habit, you'll begin to enjoy the freedom, accomplishment, and joy it will release in your life. Too many people sit around waiting for other people to make choices for them.

» REAL FREEDOM LIES IN MAKING YOUR OWN DECISIONS, PLANNING YOUR OWN CHOICES, DEALING WITH THE CONSEQUENCES, AND DETERMINING YOUR OWN DESTINY.

Like the rest of this journey of change, making right choices isn't always easy. If you've lived a life of bad decisions, you'll be carrying a lot of baggage that may be tough to lose. It might even shock you to discover that you'll probably have friends who won't like this new person who's taking charge of his or her own life and making positive decisions. Many of your friends and family members will prefer to keep hanging out, blaming society, the government, or their parents for their problems. They won't like someone who suddenly causes them to confront the real problems that are holding them back.

My advice is to be sensitive and gracious to their frustrations, but don't give in. Not for a moment. In fact, let this statement be your first choice:

I can tell you, from living in earthquake country, the most powerful jolts are the ones that happen in contained spaces. Earthquakes have a lot more impact inside a building than in an open field. That's why our next jolt is about boundaries and how drawing lines can increase the intensity and power of your life.

» JOLT #8
BORDERS
The Map of Who You Are

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.
—DR. HENRY CLOUD AND DR. JOHN TOWNSEND,
BOUNDARIES

I
n the age of social media, personal boundaries have become blurred to the point of being erased. People live their lives online and don't think twice about sharing the most personal, intimate information with the world.

As a new generation enters the workforce, they're discovering that living online has its downside. Those pictures of getting drunk during spring break at Daytona Beach seemed cute when posted on their Facebook or MySpace pages. But now, as they start job interviews, they discover the first thing employers do is an online search. Suddenly, pictures of puking on the lawn half-naked don't seem so cute anymore.

While that may seem a comical example, many experts believe the age of privacy is over. I sat on a plane recently with a government analyst whose job is to profile potential terrorists for our military leadership. He explained the irony of privacy advocates getting upset over the Patriot Act, created after 9/11. He said not to worry about the Patriot Act. The
existing
databases are staggering, and if people knew how much personal information is already out there, they would be astonished.

The owner of a data mining company I talked with agreed. His company researches information on consumers for the advertising and marketing industry, and he confirmed that in a connected, online world, there is no privacy anymore. There's even an iPhone app that does online background searches of personal databases—including the criminal activity of anyone you type into the program. Anyone can find out just about anything on anybody.

How do we come to terms with a world where the price of convenience is giving up our privacy?

» WE CAN START TO TAKE OUR LIVES BACK WITH THE ABILITY TO SAY NO.

Where should we create boundaries? Where do we draw the line in saying yes and no? When do others push us too far? How do we know when others are taking advantage of us?

Two issues are at stake here:

1. How much do we reveal about ourselves publicly?

2. Whenever we begin to change, people will notice, and not everyone will be happy with it.

I worked with a television soundman who came from a relatively poor background with little education or training. He had married young, and his wife was in the same situation—no real education, no ambition, and no clear future. Because they were both so much alike, they lived happily together for many years, until my friend attended a business conference that changed his life.

For the first time he realized the potential in the television industry and his own personal possibilities for growth. He went home with a real commitment to change his life. He first decided to enroll in night school so he could get his credentials as an audio engineer. Then he began attending more conferences, spending time with experienced engineers, and expanding his knowledge of the business. It didn't take long for his supervisors to notice. Before long he received a significant raise, was promoted to assistant engineer at the facility, and got a bigger office and more responsibility. He was thrilled. All the hard work, extra effort, and changes he was making were paying off.

His life was fantastic—except for one area.

His marriage.

While my friend had spent the last year learning and growing, his wife had stayed exactly where she'd always been. She wasn't interested in change. She liked life just the way it was and wasn't the least bit interested in this new life her husband was enjoying. That's when they began growing apart. First, they had less and less to talk about over dinner because the new things my friend was interested in didn't interest his wife. When he wanted to travel to workshops and seminars, his wife never wanted to go because she preferred to stay at home. Slowly, their lives began moving in two different directions.

As he grew in the industry, he began taking more care in how he dressed, but she preferred the “old husband,” who wore jeans and T-shirts. She began criticizing him for pursuing new interests, new friends, and his new career.

Then she played the guilt card: “You don't care about our family anymore. It's all about you these days. What happened to the way we used to be?” And the manipulation began to work. He loved her and wanted to stay married, but she gave him no options: “If you want to stay with me, then you've got to stop this nonsense with your career and spend more time with me.”

To make a long story short, her plan worked. Little by little, he stopped learning, meeting new people, and taking on new responsibilities at work. As she manipulated him, he became more withdrawn on the job and stayed mostly in his office. He hung his new suits in the closet and began wearing his old clothes again. His supervisors noticed a change, but he refused to talk about it, and before long, he was his former self once again.

The bright future, unlimited possibilities, and destiny that lay within his grasp had now become an illusion.

Keeping a marriage intact is one of the greatest accomplishments anyone can pursue, but because my friend didn't understand boundaries, he allowed his wife to manipulate and coerce him into becoming someone else. Because he refused to say no and clearly understand his boundaries, he allowed someone else to control and determine his future.

As you make changes in your life, you will encounter many people like my friend's wife. People who prefer their drinking buddy, people who like having someone to gossip with, or who want to keep things the way they've always been.

Even at the highest levels of business, control and manipulation are commonplace. Boards can manipulate CEOs, senior executives can manipulate staff members, and managers can manipulate employees.

That's why you need to understand personal boundaries. We all have friends who tend to be domineering, overpowering, and sometimes obnoxious. It comes from a number of reasons—insecurity, powerlessness, a need to feel as if they're in charge. Whatever the reason, you have to move ahead.

There are some cases where serious psychological and even pathological issues are involved. This sometimes happens in the case of abuse victims, whose lives are manipulated by the abuser to keep them isolated and away from other people. In other cases, I've encountered unhealthy relationships between mothers and sons, where mothers tend to influence their sons to an amazing extent far into adulthood, as if their sons have some type of weird spell cast over them. Those are serious problems that require serious help. If someone is violating your boundaries to that extent or you're experiencing intense manipulation, I would urge you to seek professional advice and counseling.

Most people, on the other hand, just wrestle with people who refuse to honor their decisions and their individuality.

Early in my career, I briefly worked for a television producer who liked to dominate and control his employees. He would carry a gun in his briefcase to intimidate people and would humiliate and embarrass them in front of others at the studio.

I've seen others who used money and salaries to control workers, or used office perks to favor some and hurt others. Even in an age of political correctness, sexual manipulation still happens at the office.

Realize that having strong boundaries helps other people understand who we are.

When we learn to say no, we're helping other people learn where to draw the line in dealing with us. How far they can go with jokes, social matters, romantic notions, appropriate behavior, and more. Although we're often afraid we'll hurt people's feelings by drawing solid lines, we're actually doing them a favor and saving them from embarrassment. It may be awkward and uncomfortable, but it's nothing compared to the potential pain of having to confront them later. Just speak up. Let people know where your boundaries are and how to respect them.

» Boundaries are a critical key to taking ownership of our lives.

More than five hundred years before Christ, Greek philosopher Thales said, “Know thyself,” and his advice is just as important today. Knowing our strengths, weaknesses, gifts, talents, and abilities is an absolute in the journey of change.

Make it thy business to know thyself, which is the most difficult lesson in the world.
—MIGUEL DE CERVANTES, NOVELIST