Joy (27 page)

Within minutes, she was sleeping again. This time, Braxton lay next to her and gently put his head on her chest.

“Oh, God,” he breathed softly. “How am I ever going to deal with this?”

His dreams had been packed with visions of a facelsss man and what had happened in that office. Now he squeezed his eyes, trying to erase the horrid pictures.

The minutes passed, and he began to feel calmer as his head lifted and fell against Anya's chest. But, he still knew he needed help. It was the only way he'd make it through. He would call Pastor Ford the first chance he got. She would know what to do.

At the sound of the bell, Sasha ran to the door. Madear stood stolidly in place, her purse clutched to her chest. With her chocolate tailored pants suit and silver hair tied back in her trademark bun, she looked like she was just going to spend a leisurely day with friends. But what pulled at Sasha's heart was her grandmother's mournful eyes. Her make-up couldn't hide the swelling of her lower lids, which looked like they had tripled in size.

She hadn't seen Madear since that Sunday dinner, but all of that anger was forgotten. Wordlessly, Sasha pulled her grandmother into her arms.

“Thank you for calling me, baby.” Madear's words were muffled into Sasha's chest.

“Of course, Madear.”

Madear held on to Sasha even after they sat down. “Who would do this to my baby?”

“We don't know anything yet, Madear. The doctors said that the police would be in touch.”

Madear was silent for a moment. “Is she asleep?”

Sasha nodded. “Braxton stayed with her last night.”

“Hey, Madear.” Braxton came down the stairs and all three hugged.

“Has Anya said anything about what happened?” Madear whispered.

He shook his head. “She's been asleep most of the time. The doctor said that she had to get some rest because they weren't sure why she was unconscious when she was first found. They're sure it's not a problem. The doctor said that the body goes into shock to protect itself…” His voice trailed off.

Madear and Sasha nodded, not knowing what else to say.

“You know,” Braxton started, his voice quavering, “I don't think I have it in me to talk… about it.” The image of the faceless man seeped into his mind again. “Though I have to talk to this man.” He pulled a card that Dr. Young had given him. “Detective Bush has been assigned to this case.” Braxton shook his head.

Madear took Braxton's hand. ‘You are not going to go through this by yourself.” Madear's voice was suddenly stronger. “We'll get through this with each other and—” she squeezed their hands—”we'll get through this with God.” Still holding their hands, Madear bowed her head and they followed.

Madear prayed, “Heavenly Father, in this time of distress, we come to you with thanksgiving and praises. We thank you for keeping us, and for keeping Anya, and for being by our sides during this time of need…”

As Madear prayed, Sasha opened her eyes but kept her head lowered. How could Madear turn to God, when He had allowed this to happen? God had let her down in so many ways—with Gordon, Hunter, and now this.

But she wasn't going to say anything to Madear. If her grandmother needed her faith, so be it. But
she
was beyond God. She would rely on herself, and make sure Anya could rely on her.

As Madear said, “Amen,” Braxton joined in with his own. Sasha raised her head and said nothing.

Sasha closed the door behind Braxton, just as Madear came from the kitchen.

“Braxton went home to get some clothes, and then he's going to stop by the police station.”

Madear nodded and lifted her purse from the couch. “You children don't have any food. I'll pick up a few things.”

Sasha smiled. “I don't think Anya would want you to do that.”

“Okay.” Madear looked at Sasha for only a moment. Then her eyes turned away as she walked along the couch, fluffing the pillows.

Sasha stood with her back against the door, as Madear moved past the couch over to the plants. She inhaled, taking in their fragrance, then began picking at the leaves.

“Madear, do you want me to turn on some music or do you want to go downstairs and watch television?” Sasha was desperate to end the quiet.

“No, baby,” Madear said, as she leaned over the plants. Her back was still toward Sasha.

Sasha tugged at her sweatshirt and took a deep breath. “Madear, I've been meaning to call…”

Madear straightened and stiffened but didn't turn around.

“I wanted to apologize for… when we were at your house …”

When Madear turned around, a tear was already rolling down her cheek. She brushed a stray hair from her face, and with the slowest steps, moved toward her granddaughter.

She placed a soft palm on Sasha's face. “I’m the one who's sorry, baby.”

Sasha shifted from one foot to the other, opened her mouth, then closed it.

“I love you with everything in me.” Madear's eyes were thin slits, but remained pasted on Sasha. “You know that, don't you?”

It was a weak nod. Sasha barely moved, even when Madear put her arm around her neck and hugged her for what seemed like minutes.

“I love you, baby,” Madear repeated.

Sasha trembled as she thought of how long she had wanted to hear those words from her grandmother.

They were still holding each other when they heard the creak of the stairs. They turned around, and Anya was standing at the bottom.

“Hey,” was all she said.

Madear hesitated, then pulled Anya into her arms.

“How're you, baby?” Madear stepped back and tried not to focus on the scratches on her granddaughter's face.

“I'm fine,” she said. Those words were becoming easier to say. She moved toward the couch.

Madear followed, sitting down next to her.

“Are you hungry, Anya?” Sasha asked.

Anya smiled, then grimaced as the cut on her lip felt like it was going to rip open. She held her hand at the side of her face, then looked at Madear and Sasha who were staring at her. “I don't want you guys waiting on me.”

Madear frowned in doubt. “Braxton said the doctors were still wondering why you were unconscious.”

Anya waved her hand in the air. “Dr. Young said that sometimes our brain will shut down—a protective something-or-other.” She stopped, as the morning's sun shadows on the patio caught her eye. She had wondered last night if she would even see this day and she wanted to drop to her knees right there.

“Well, I don't care what you say,” Madear interrupted her thoughts. “I'm going to take care of you.”

“Me too.” Sasha sounded like she was going to cry.

Anya rubbed Madear's hands, but inside, she wanted to scream. Asleep, she'd been haunted by hollow dreams, but here with Madear and Sasha, reality made her want to flee. Didn't they understand that she needed to pretend this never happened?

She smiled at Sasha. “So tell me about the Victory Awards. I want to hear every detail.”

Sasha sat back, seeming startled.

“You went to the Victory Awards?” Madear asked. “With who?”

“It's a long story,” Sasha said quickly, before Anya could respond. “I don't want to talk about it now.” She turned back to Anya. “I'm just concerned about you.”

Anya shook her head. No matter how much she wanted to forget, all they wanted was for her to remember.

Madear stood. “I'm gonna run home and get some of that chicken I cooked last night. I don't know why I didn't bring it.” She made a face at Sasha. You stay, she mouthed silently.

Madear kissed Anya's cheek, then hugged Sasha before she went out the door.

The moment Madear was gone, Anya reached for the phone. “I need to call my office.”

Sasha frowned. “David said he'd handle things for the next couple of days.”

“He won't have to do that. I'm going in tomorrow.”

Sasha's frown deepened, but she said nothing, as she listened to Anya talk to Dianna. From her end, she could tell that Dianna was asking Anya how she was feeling. But Anya was abrupt, and within minutes, she hung up the phone.

“That's odd,” Anya said, “The police were in my office this morning and then right after they left, David left. Dianna has no idea where he went.” She paused. “I guess I will go back tomorrow.”

Sasha shrugged. “I think David will have things under control for you. But for now, is there anything you want to do?” Sasha asked.

Anya shook her head. “I'm just going to sit down here for a while. I'm tired of laying down,” she said. I'm tired of the dreams, was what she didn't say.

Sasha almost sucked her teeth when Anya picked up the Bible from the table. She bit her lip, fighting to keep the words to herself There had to be something she could do—get Anya to talk instead of reading that Bible. “Anya, do you want to talk about it?” she asked softly.

When Anya looked up, Sasha noticed that the scars on Anya's face seemed to be fading already.

“Not yet.”

Sasha scooted closer to her cousin. “Okay, just know that I'm here when you're ready.”

“That means a lot to me.” Anya smiled, then returned to the Bible.

Sasha glared at Anya as minutes passed, then suddenly she said, “I have one question, Anya. How can you read the Bible after… what happened?”

Anya raised an eyebrow. “That's all I
can
do right now.”

“But—” Sasha stomped across the room. “But how could God let this happen to you?” she almost screamed, finally releasing the question that had been gnawing at her.

Anya nodded. Shed asked herself the same question.

“That's why I don't know if I believe in God,” Sasha continued. “With this kind of stuff going on,” she said, waving her hands in the air, “how can there be a God?”

“Sasha, no matter what happened to me, one thing you can be sure of is that God exists. All you have to do is look around and His creation bombards you from every angle.”

“Well, if he can make all of this, why did he let you get hurt?”

“Being a Christian doesn't mean bad things won't happen,” she said slowly, knowing these would be some of the most important words she would ever say to Sasha. “The only thing that God promised is that He would always be with us.”

“Well, where was He when you were being raped?” Angry tears bit at Sasha's eyes as she fired the words at Anya.

Anya waited a beat. “He was right there—that's why I'm not dead.”

Sasha stared at Anya, as if she couldn't understand what she was saying. “You really believe that?”

“I know it. Sasha, God was there the entire time. He tried to warn me, to get me out of there before—” When Sasha continued her stare, Anya motioned for Sasha to sit down. “When I walked into my office last night, I knew that man was there.”

Sasha's eyes opened wide.

“It was that voice inside of me, God tried to warn me.”

“Well, why didn't God tell you to run?”

“He did.
I
didn't listen. That's how I hold on now. Because even through that darkness, God was there.” Anya took Sasha's hand. “All I have is the Lord and I'm not going to let some… man take away what I know.” Anya's voice shook as she spoke.

Sasha shook her head. “You're unbelievable. You've been through the worst thing that could ever happen, and except for a few scratches, no one would ever know. You're acting normal, like nothing's happened.”

Anya's thoughts returned to the dreams that she knew weren't normal. But that wouldn't help Sasha. “How do you think I should act?” she asked.

Sasha shrugged her shoulders like she was frustrated. “I don't know. It's not like I want you to fall apart, but you should at least be mad!”

Anya held her head. How could she let her cousin know that the fury inside of her was so strong she thought shed explode? “I feel like I'm being held together by paper clips, Sasha. So give me time; I still might fall apart.”

“That's not what I mean. I just think it would be more natural if you were doing something instead of just picking up your Bible.” Her voice was filled with disdain when she uttered the last words.

A few moments passed. “Sasha, when I woke up this morning, I didn't know whether I should cry or jump with joy. So I did a bit of both. But what I need now is to move forward and I will only be able to do that if I have peace. And my peace always comes from the Lord.”

Sasha was thoughtful. “Do you really drink that God was with you?”

“If I were to tell you all that happened, you would
know
that God was there. And that's all I want to remember from last night.” Anya walked to the French doors leading to the patio. She opened them and took a deep breath. “All I'm thinking about right now is that I can see these flowers and that I can smell that grass.” She turned around and faced her cousin. “And that I can talk to you.”

Sasha hugged her. “You make it sound so easy.”

“It's not, but I can't let go now, Sasha,” Anya shuddered into her cousin's shoulder. “Because if I do, I might never come back”

Sasha tightened her arms around Anya. “Your faith is incredible.”

“Even my faith comes from God. I just have to practice it a little and there's no better time than now.”

Sasha shook her head. “Go back to your Bible. I want to take a shower before Madear gets back”

Anya smiled as Sasha trotted up the stairs. She couldn't explain it, but she knew that today, she'd reached her cousin. Maybe now it would just take time.

Words that Pastor Ford repeated over the years came to her mind now. “Sometimes, the only Jesus that people will see, is the Jesus that is in you.”

Anya nodded her head. Just another reason for her to hold on.

Chapter 31

H
e could hear Sean's words clearly. “Never leave scars— that's evidence.”

He sat on the edge of his bed, staring at his shaking hands. Hours had passed and nothing would stop his trembling. He took six steps to the window, then closed the miniblinds, bringing semi-darkness into the room. He returned to his bed, holding his head in his hands. His headache, like the quivering of his hands, would not go away.

The surrounding quiet disturbed him, but it was better than the screams that had taken over his mind. He couldn't get rid of the screams.