Joyful (15 page)

“You can't do that. You just moved into your new house!”

“Miriam's folks can look after it day to day, and Miriam and I can visit there from time to time.”

“That's a waste of a perfectly
gut
haus
.”

“It would be just for a while,” he said slowly. “You know, until things settle down around here.”

“Because it's obvious I'm not handling things well?” Guilt and disappointment with himself spiraled together in Randall's stomach. Everything that he had feared happening was taking place. It was becoming obvious to one and all that he was never going to fill his brother's shoes.

Junior shook his head. “I didn't say that. I'm offering because it wasn't fair to leave you with everything.”

“You didn't.”

“I pretty much have. Because I left, you had to practically quit your job and take up cooking. Now you're having to see Elizabeth often and having to deal with a grumpy Kaylene. It's too much.”

“Hey. Kay is my sister, too. I want to be here for her. And I'm not alone. Levi has stepped up, and Micah and Neil are doing more than ever.”

“I'm not saying everyone isn't doing their part. But it's still a lot for you to take on. Especially Kaylene. We both know she and I are pretty close.”

A part of Randall was tempted. If he agreed, then he wouldn't have to deal with Elizabeth anymore. He could go back to his construction job full-time.

He could go back to being the way he was.

For some reason, however, he realized that he'd already changed. He liked knowing that he was currently responsible for their younger siblings. But was that selfish? Should he be only thinking of Kaylene?

“I'm not ready for you to move back.”

“Are you sure? I won't think less of you.”

“I know that. And I appreciate you saying that. But I'd like to give it a little longer before I throw in the towel. And let me talk to Kaylene, too.”

“What about Elizabeth?”

“She and I will work things out. We're both adults, you know.”

“Maybe the problem is that you two belong together.”

“I used to think that. But now, I'm not so sure. I'm afraid too much has happened between us. I don't know how things will ever get better.”

“All you have to do is take things one step at a time.”

“You make things sound so easy.”

“They are. I mean, they are if you let them be.”

“Easy for you to say. You're happily married with a baby on the way.”

“It's easy for me to say because Miriam and I had years to make up for. I practically ignored her for ten years straight. That's not easy to overcome, you know.”

“I suppose it's not.”

“Listen, it's easy to let past experiences rule your future. But if you really want to move forward, you need to start trying to make each time you two are together count. Don't simply dwell on the past. Stop and see if there might be a future.”

He hated to admit it, but Randall was beginning to think his older brother made a lot of sense.
“Danke.”

He laughed at Randall's stingy tone. “No problem.”

As Judith and Ben walked through the security checkpoints at the prison, Judith couldn't help but reflect on how different she felt about this visit compared to their first visit.

Now, while she wouldn't exactly call the guards friendly, they certainly didn't look as scary as they once had.

James seemed calmer with each visit, too. Whether it was because James noticed that she wasn't as nervous being around so much concrete and bars or whether he, too, was more accustomed to the routine, he also seemed to take the journey in stride.

After they got settled in the narrow waiting room before being let into the visiting area, Judith propped James on her lap and let him play with the ties of her
kapp
. These days pretty much everything went into his mouth. If it wasn't her
kapp
's ties, it was his fist or a cold washcloth . . . or whatever he could easily grab!

“James is determined to get that tooth,” she whispered to Ben with a smile.

Ben yawned. “I hope he gets it soon so we can finally get some sleep.”

She smiled. Ever since their late-night conversation and the reminders her mother had given her about letting go, she'd been feeling a lot better about everything. No longer did the future sound so scary, because she was trying her best to take her husband's words to heart. “We'll get through it, Ben. As will James.”

“I'm glad you're back, Judith,” Ben said, his gaze warm. “I like this positive attitude of yours.”

“Me, too,” she said softly.

Ben was playing patty-cake with James when a guard opened the door. “Kendra is going to be meeting with you both in a different room today,” she said.

“Oh?”

For once the guard dropped her usual reserve. “We thought holding James might perk her up some. She's been having a tough time of it.”

Judith barely had time to share a worried look with Ben before they were led into a small room with four chairs and a table. Sitting in one of them was a frail-looking Kendra, and to say that she looked far different from the last time they'd seen her was something of an understatement.

Kendra darted a quick smile at them before gazing at James with a look of pure adoration. “Hi, baby,” she said, standing and reaching her arms out.

James's eyes widened, then to Judith's surprise, he tucked his face into her shoulder.

Time seemed to stand still as it became apparent that James felt most secure with Judith and not his mom.

But instead of feeling pleased, the action brought forth a new wave of sadness for Judith. Yes, she loved this baby and she yearned to raise him as her own. But never had she wanted it to be at the expense of Kendra's pain.

“Come here, buddy,” Ben murmured as he pulled James from her arms. “Let's see your
mamm.
I think she could use one of your hugs. Kendra, maybe you should sit down?”

“Yeah. Sure.” Slowly, she walked to the table.

Though the baby didn't complain about going to Ben's arms, he turned his head so he could keep an eye on Judith. When Ben was about a foot away, James jutted out his bottom lip and reached out two chubby arms toward Judith.

Kendra visibly flinched.

And Judith laughed nervously. “You know how he gets, Kendra,” Judith said as she attempted to laugh away the awkward moment. “He probably doesn't know what to think about this new room.”

“Maybe so.” Kendra bit her lip, but smiled when Ben placed the baby in her arms. After a bit of squirming, he settled into her arms at long last. After pressing her lips to his cheeks, she cuddled him closer and murmured something into his ear.

Ben returned to Judith's side. She knew that he was feeling the same way that she did. They could sit in this room for an hour and not say a word. Kendra needed every second with James that she could get.

After five minutes or so, Kendra shifted her attention to them. “Before you tell me about James, I think we'd better talk about things.”

Judith nodded. “All right,” she replied. “Whatever you want to talk about is
gut
.”

“I guess Bernie told you about my health?”

Feeling slightly dizzy, Judith nodded again. “
Jah
. How are you feeling today?”

“As weak as a kitten.” She grimaced. “Sometimes it seems like the treatment is making me sicker than the disease.”

“I am sorry for that.”

“I know you are,” she whispered. “You are a very kind woman, Judith Knox.” After a moment, she said, “Did you also hear that James's father has come out of the woodwork?”

“
Jah
. I mean, yes.” Glad Ben was right by her side, Judith added, “What do you want to happen?”

“I don't want him to have custody of James. I met with my lawyer here and we filled out some paperwork.” She swallowed. “And then there's my older sisters.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Listen, Katherine and Emma are nice ladies. They, ah, are nothing like me. They are married and have jobs. Emma has kids of her own.” After a pause, she added, “Until recently, they'd given up on me ever changing. Now, well, we're a little better but it's probably too late.”

“I'm sorry, Kendra.”

She impatiently shook her head. “This isn't about me. Um, I'm telling you this, because I heard that they now want to see me and see my baby. Now that I'm dying and all.”

Judith's stomach dropped. She knew Kendra was sick, but she didn't know that things had gotten that bad . . . that Kendra felt that hopeless. “You mustn't talk that way, Kendra. We need to keep positive.”

Kendra turned her head so she was focused on James. “You're real sweet, but I'm not just talking. I am dying; it's true. The treatments they're doing aren't doing much good—even the doctors are saying that I don't have much time left on this earth.”

Ben leaned forward. “We are terribly sorry for you, Kendra. We'll pray for you.”

“You know what? Thanks.” As a tear fell from her eye, she squeezed her eyes shut and hugged James tight. He squirmed and started to cry. “Sorry, baby. I think I squeezed you too tight.”

James responded by squirming again and looking at Judith in a pleading way.

Kendra frowned. “I guess he wants you now.”

Judith pretended not to notice. “He'll be all right, Kendra.”

“No. No, he wants you, which is good.” She stood up and, after pressing her face into his neck for a second, handed him back to Ben. “It's better this way.”

Judith felt frozen. She felt so sorry for Kendra and was at a loss for what to do. She wanted to comfort James but she couldn't bear to cause Kendra any more pain.

“Thanks for coming,” Kendra said. “But I just can't do this.” Before Judith had even stood up, Kendra was knocking on the door. “I'm done,” she whispered as she waited for the guard.

Judith shook her head. “Wait, Kendra. Can't we spend a little more time together? We usually have at least thirty minutes, true?”

The door opened.

“I know you mean real well, and I do appreciate it. But I just can't be in here another minute.” As tears rolled down her face, she shook her head slightly. “I just can't,” she whispered, then turned and left.

As they stared after Kendra, James squirmed in Ben's arms. When she caught his eye, he smiled a wet, gummy grin and laughed.

Tears pricked her eyes. “Oh, James. Look at you.”

Today was the first day James had actively reached for her, jas as if she were his mother. It was remarkable.

As she took the baby from her husband's arms and held him close, Judith realized that this was both one of the best and worst days in her life.

S
he was a glutton for punishment. There was no other reason Elizabeth could think of to explain why she was back at the Beiler house.

With an increasing feeling of trepidation, she marched up to the stately front porch and knocked on the shiny black door. Almost immediately, Levi opened the door.

“You're back! Neil and I were thinking you might not come over today.”

If Levi only knew how close she'd come to staying away! She was determined, however, to put her best foot forward. So she opted for teasing. “Why would you say that? Because you all are such a mess?”

“Because Randall can be such an idiot,” he replied baldly. “I'm glad you didn't take him too seriously. None of us do, you know.”

After Levi closed the door behind her, she rubbed her arms with her hands. The warmth of the house felt good after walking in the chilly morning air. “Randall wasn't so bad.”

“Sure he was.” Looking positively gleeful, he folded his arms across his chest. “Micah told him that, too.”

“I can only imagine how Randall handled that.”

Levi's mischievous smile turned into a wily grin. “He hated it. But that's all right.”

“Oh?”

“Sometimes we've all got to hear things that we'd rather not.”

“That's mighty perceptive of you.”

“I'm growing up. Some might even say that I'm fairly grown-up for my years.”

Last Elizabeth heard, Levi had been in the midst of his
rumspringa
and sneaking around a little too much. “Is some girl from the high school telling you that?”

“
Nee
. I'm not interested in English girls.”

“Are you interested in someone special?”

“Maybe.”

“Who?”

“I'll let you know in a couple of days.” After putting his hat on, he handed her a neatly written note. “We weren't sure you'd come back, but we were hopeful. Neil and I went ahead and wrote everything out for ya.”

She scanned the note. “Thank you.”

“See you later.”

Elizabeth walked to the window and watched Levi grab his bicycle and pedal down the driveway. Scanning his note, she saw that he was heading to his job at the construction site.

After studying the note again, she set the kettle to heat on the stove. She washed a few dishes while it was heating, then added a tea bag and took a seat at the table. A hot cup of tea was going to come in handy while she planned her day.

It looked like Micah was at the library studying, Neil had left early to go to an auction, and Randall had left hours earlier for his construction job. Kaylene was at school.

And Randall had left her a hundred dollars in the drawer by the refrigerator so she could do some grocery shopping. Oh, and could she please make another cake or perhaps even a pie?

Walking over to the drawer, she found an envelope with her name on it. Inside were five crisp twenty-dollar bills.

It wasn't an unheard of amount. After all, there were five people to feed, four of them grown men. But after scrimping and saving and watching every penny for the last two years, Elizabeth considered it a small fortune.