Joyful (11 page)

“
Danke
. It's my pride and joy.”

Fingering one of the pans above his head, he asked, “How do you keep your pans looking so shiny and clean? I can almost see my reflection in them.”

“I've got some cleanser called Barkeeper's Friend. That and baking soda seems to do the trick.”

“I'll have to give that a try. Ours don't look near as pretty.”

“The trick is to take your time. When you scrub too hard, the stainless steel gets scratched.”

“Ah.”

She smiled softly, making him feel like she'd just given him a hug. “I never thought I'd see the day when we would be talking about cleaning pots and pans.”

He shrugged. “I'm starting to realize that a lot of things have happened that I didn't anticipate. It's taught me to keep on my toes.”

“That is true. The Lord is certainly in charge, ain't so? He throws things in our carefully organized lives time and again.”

“He knows best. But sometimes, well, I wish His lessons weren't always so difficult to learn.”

She nodded in agreement, then looked at him closely. “Why did you come over, Randall?”

“I came to grovel. But I would have thought your grandmother would've told you that.”

“Um, well, she might have.” She pulled out one of the bar stools and sat down primly. “Want to sit down?”

He did, but he feared it would bring back too many memories. “I think it might be better if I stand,” he said, hoping she didn't notice just how much he was staring at her. She looked pretty today in a dark blue dress, the color so rich he might have mistaken it for purple. He wasn't sure what it was about her that had always drawn him. Sure, she was pretty, but other girls were, too.

And her thick brown hair and deep brown eyes were attractive, too.

But, he supposed, other girls had just as pretty features.

But from the first time their teacher had asked them to work together on a project, his heart had been hers. “Hey, do you remember when we championed that auction for the Brown family?”

“How could I forget? What were we? Like twelve or thirteen?”

“We were twelve.”

She shook her head. “We were far too young to be relied on to organize anything, let alone an auction for a family in need.”

“We did it, though. We got volunteers and even asked Mr. Atle to be the auctioneer.”

She tilted her head. “What made you think about that?”

“No reason.” Only that he remembered a moment when they'd been feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated and had gotten a little slaphappy. They'd been in someone's barn, attempting to organize what had seemed like a thousand donated items when half of them had toppled to the ground in a heap. They'd gasped and stared at the mess. He'd uttered a few choice words under his breath.

But Elizabeth? She'd simply stood there and laughed—really laughed. It had been charming.

Elizabeth met his gaze now, and the tension between them rose. Then she hopped off her stool and waved a hand. “Randall, my grandmother told me what she said to you. I promise, there's no need to come here and grovel or beg.”

“I think differently.”

“You'd best get on with it then.” She crossed her arms over her chest and obviously attempted to look mighty put upon.

“Elizabeth, I would like to apologize for my behavior yesterday.”

“I accept it.
Danke.
So, um, are we done now?”

He winced. “Please don't be like this. I know your feelings are hurt, and I know I shouldn't have been so short-tempered with you yesterday. I really am sorry.”

Her gaze softened as at last some of the reserve that had been so prevalent in her demeanor melted away. “Oh, Randall, I know.”

“Danke.”
Some of the tension in his shoulders eased.

“However, if you don't mind me asking, why were you in such a snit? I mean, you had to have known that I was doing the best I could.”

“I know you were.” He'd also thought that her being there in the house had felt right. He'd wanted nothing more than to circle her in his arms and hold her close. Knowing that he'd had a chance to have her in his house as his wife, and had blown that chance to pieces, made his heart heavy. “And that, I think, is why I was having such a difficult time with you at the
haus
.”

“I don't understand.”

“Elizabeth, I am just as aware as you are that we should have been married by now.”

Right before his eyes, twin spots of color appeared on her cheeks. “You are being presumptuous. You never asked, and I certainly never answered.”

“That is true. But I think we both know that I was going to ask. And I, at least, felt sure what your answer was going to be.”

Immediately, she averted her eyes, hiding her pain.

He felt that pain as clearly as if she'd thrust a knife in his heart. He pursed his lips, hating what he was admitting, but seeing no way out. “I broke things off because I felt my family needed me to be there for them. I thought it was my turn to be there for my siblings a hundred percent.”

“Randall, everyone has responsibilities.”

“I know that, but things are different for me.” When she still looked skeptical, he said, “It is. We don't have anyone to lean on, to depend on.”

“But if you truly cared, you could have leaned on me.”

“That's not what I'm talking about. We don't have extended family here to give us guidance, Elizabeth. We don't even have parents.” Thinking about how different and distant their father had been after their mother's death, he added quietly, “Actually, in a lot of ways, we've been raising ourselves for the last nine years.”

He raised a hand so she wouldn't interrupt. “I know that for most of the time Junior bore the brunt of it. So did Beverly and Claire. But when each of them wanted to get married and have a chance to concentrate on their own lives for a change, I couldn't deny them that opportunity. I knew it was my turn.”

“You are doing a
gut
job of it.”

“Maybe, maybe not. All I knew at the time was that Junior had purposely not courted anyone seriously until Miriam, because he felt he had other responsibilities to the family. I was sure I needed to do the same thing. And that is what I am doing.” Hating how weak and ineffective he sounded, he attempted to infuse his voice with a note of confidence. “This is the choice I've made, Beth. I need to stay the course.”

Her brows rose, as did her voice. “You're acting like you ignored your responsibilities before Junior and your sisters got married. We both know that isn't the case.”

“I did do a lot, but it was nothing like what Junior took on. The truth is, I was perfectly happy to let Junior do the hard stuff while I tried to be everyone's friend.”

“There's nothing wrong with that.”

“There was when I knew Levi was acting up, but I let Junior and Claire discipline him. There was when I was content to merely make money for the family, hand it to Junior, then go off to do what I wanted.”

Lowering his voice, he added, “There was when I knew Kaylene was worried about school and I didn't offer to help her out because I knew Junior would help her . . . even if it meant he would have even less time for himself.” Now that his pride was completely on the floor, he said, “Elizabeth, I'm struggling. I need help managing the house so I can concentrate on the finances and running the whole farm. I'm not asking for a second chance with you—I know I don't deserve that. But I can promise that if you do come back to work I'll do my best to be much more kind and appreciative.”

“Because Kaylene needs me?”

“
Jah
. Because I think we all need you. It seems I've got quite a bit to work on. It's also obvious that I'm not going to be able to do it without your help.”

As Elizabeth studied him, he realized how much he'd taken her for granted.

Elizabeth was pretty much perfect, and he'd been too shortsighted to try to keep her. He'd been so intent on being the man his brother was that he'd failed to look around and see everything he was in danger of losing. He hadn't taken the time to ask her to be patient with him.

“So, what do you say? Will you come back to work at our
haus
?”

“I say yes, Randall. I'll come back to work. I'll be there in an hour or so.”

“Really?” Drat that hope that was eking out of his voice. He sounded so desperate. He
was
so desperate.

“Really,” she said around a sigh. And then, thank goodness, she smiled. “I'm glad you came over to grovel. And I'm really glad we talked.”

He was, too. He only wished that he had the courage to also tell her what was in his heart: that he'd made a mistake and he wanted her back.

He was too afraid, though.

He wouldn't have known what to do if she said that could never happen.

T
he moment Randall disappeared from sight, Elizabeth ran up the stairs.

“Lizzy?” her grandmother called out. “Lizzy, what happened?”

The polite thing to do would be to turn around and talk to her grandmother. But she just couldn't. She needed a moment.

Okay, she needed more than a moment to think about what had just happened.

When she got to her room, she closed the door behind her and closed her eyes. Randall had almost seemed flirty with her. Almost.

And she? She'd almost forgotten that he wanted her to cook and clean for him and his siblings.

After rapping on the door twice, her grandmother opened her door. “Elizabeth, what happened?”

“Randall said he was sorry, and so I'm going to go back over there in an hour.”

“You don't fear that you're making a mistake?”

“Oh, I'm fairly sure going back over to the Beilers' is going to be a big mistake. But I'm still going to go.”

“Care to explain yourself?”

“Not really.”

Her grandmother leaned against the doorjamb, her arms folded across her chest. “Care to answer me again?”

“Mommi, the Beilers are paying me good money, and we can use it.”

“No paycheck is worth your heartache.”

“You're a dear, but I need to do this.”

Worry creased her grandmother's brow. “I will write your mother today and explain to her that we still need her assistance.”

“Please don't. It's not necessary.”

“It is, child. I know the reason you aren't working somewhere full-time is so you can look after me.” Her voice started to quiver. “Sometimes I can't even believe how much trouble I've become.”

Oh, but it was hard to hear her grandmother speak like that, especially since she was the one person Elizabeth had always been able to count on. “Don't talk like that, Mommi.”

“It's true.”

“All that's happened is you've gotten older. Never are you trouble.” She sighed, then admitted the truth. “I'm not going back only for the money. I'm going for personal reasons, too.”

“Oh, I am sure that you are.”

Elizabeth really hated when her grandmother was smug. “Randall's little sister is having a time of it, I'm afraid.”

“That girl has a whole lot of siblings to look out for her.”

“All right, fine. Mommi, even though it's going to be difficult, I need to return to their
haus
in order to face things with Randall,” she at last admitted. At last admitted what she didn't even want to admit in her heart. “In spite of everything, I still have feelings for him.”

Mommi sighed and straightened. “I was afraid of that.”

“Why?”

“Because I have a feeling that Randall Beiler still has feelings for you, too.”

Immediately, her cheeks burned. “It doesn't matter if he does or he doesn't. But we need to settle things between us. Become friends again. We can't simply go around avoiding each other for the rest of our lives.”

“If that is why you are going back, then I think you should. As much as I'd like to always protect you from hurt, allowing yourself to confront fears is for the best. We can't move forward if we're always revisiting the past.”

“
Danke
, Mommi. I needed to hear that.” Feeling her eyes tear up, Elizabeth hugged her grandmother. “Now, I really better change clothes.”

“All right. Um, Lizzie?”

She paused.
“Jah?”

“Little girls like heart-shaped cookies. Take the cookie cutter and make some cookies with Kaylene.”

Just thinking about all of Neil's laundry alone made her shake her head. “Maybe another day. Cutouts take a lot of time. . . .”

Her grandmother's tone turned firm. “Elizabeth, listen to what I'm saying. That little girl needs heart cookies more than a clean bathroom. Make some cookies with her.”

“All right, Mommi.” There was no way she was going to argue with her grandmother when she used that tone of voice!

When Elizabeth was alone again, she pulled out her favorite raspberry-colored dress. After unpinning the dark blue one, she slipped on the fresh dress and began fastening it. For some unknown reason, she felt compelled to change dresses before going to the Beilers' house to cook and clean. It was vanity, for sure and for certain.

Definitely a mistake.

But she couldn't deny that looking fresh and pretty while in the Beiler house was important to her.

Five minutes later, Elizabeth had a blue sweater on over her raspberry-colored dress and had one heart-shaped cookie cutter in her hand.

“Lord, I hope you know what you're doing,” she said as she started walking down her driveway. “Right at this minute, I feel like I'm Daniel entering the lion's den. Woefully unprepared.”

“Judith, I have to say that I haven't seen you so blue in months,” her mother said when she bustled into the office at the back of their family's store. “Not since you had your miscarriage.”