Julian's Pursuit (32 page)

“I understand,” she said. “But you were always nice to me. Like I said, you’re the only woman in this office who’s never labeled me or called me names.”

I shrugged. “I guess I’ve learned that bringing someone down will never bring you up the way you want it to.”

Riley smirked. “Except when they deserve it.”

I didn’t miss a beat. “You mean Tim Pulaski?”

“Yeah! He definitely deserved it!” She bit back a laugh. “I got him fired, you know?”

She what? I thought it was Simon who got Pulaski fired.

Riley’s lips tugged upward at my stunned expression. “Yep, I got that dick shitcanned.”

I blinked in confusion. “How?”

“Seth Aldridge.” She crossed her legs and winked at me. “My new boyfriend is the head of HR.”

As I reclined in my seat, I couldn’t help but smile at her. Riley might be young, but she was a fighter. Confident, assertive, bold, and ballsy.

Yeah, she was flirty and giggly, but she also had mettle and grit.

I’d seen the steel in her eyes, her spitfire ambition.

And I thought of Rochelle Bendal, how she’d taken a chance on me because she believed in women empowering rather than competing with each other.

This feels right
, I thought.
And it’s time I pay it forward.

“Riley,” I said, my expression turning serious. “There is a vacancy that needs to be filled with Tim’s termination.” I bit down on my lower lip, gauging her receptiveness. “Have you considered applying for the Senior Account Executive position?”

“Well,” she considered. “I’ve certainly thought about it, but I’m not sure if I have what it takes.”

“I think you should apply,” I said. “I have a feeling you are capable of more than you think.”

Her face lit up. “You really think so?”

“I do,” I answered truthfully. “I really do.”

Back when I was a kid, I used to love Saturdays. The hardest decision I ever had to make on a Saturday was what cereal I wanted to eat and what cartoons I wanted to watch. Now I had to think long and hard about every decision I made in my life.

“So what are you going to do?” Mom’s voice pulled me away from my thoughts. “About Evan and Simon?” She paused. “In the long run?”

“I don’t know, Mom.” I set my keys down on the kitchen counter. “All I can do is see how it goes. Take it one day at a time, I guess.”

“And how’d the little man do when you left him with his dad?” Mom looked over her shoulder briefly before turning her attention back to the stove.

“I think it went okay.” I opened the fridge and stood staring at the contents. “E was a little nervous at first, but he warmed up pretty quickly.”

“And what does Simon have planned for the day?”

“He said they’re just gonna take it easy. Go to the park for a nature walk, and then later catch a Giants game.”

“What time is he gonna bring E home tonight?”

“Around nine.” I grabbed some stuff out of the fridge and began assembling a plate of leftovers.

“Hey, I’m making some breakfast,” Mom said. “You want some?”

“Sure,” I said absently. “What-cha making?”

“Eggs Benedict.” She looked over her shoulder again. “In honor of Benedict Cumberbatch.”

Smiling weakly in return, I collapsed into a chair with the grace of a large panda bear and began digging into my limp salad.

Moments later, Mom plated two servings of Eggs Benedict and set it in front of me.

She fell into ponderous silence, watching me as I shoveled food into my mouth. After a time, she said, “You might want to take some cucumbers out of that salad to combat the puffiness under your eyes.”

“Mom, please. Not now.” I forked another mouthful of eggs into my mouth and chewed, eating away the pain. “I’m okay.”

“You’re not okay and you haven’t been okay all week.” She stood with her hands on her hips. “What happened between you and Julian?”

“I’m not sure,” I said without meeting her gaze. “I think I broke things off.”

“You what?” Mom was so incensed it’s a mystery she did not spontaneously combust. “Why?” she demanded.

I pushed the food around on my plate. “I don’t know.” At this point, I was so detached from my own emotions that I truly didn’t know anymore.

“You don’t know?” Her voice pitched higher. “That’s some weak sauce reason!”

I pointedly ignored her. She took a deep breath and tried again. “Sadie…” Her tone softened. “If you build your walls so high you will always be alone.”

Walls.
I almost rolled my eyes. That sounded like something her shrink might have said to her.

“Oh, speaking of walls…” I snorted. “Julian wasn’t just breaking down
my
walls. He was also busy breaking down Riley’s walls, just so you know.” I tried for a hearty smile but it came out hugely sickly. “Vagina walls, that is.”

“What?” Her eyes were wide and incredulous. “Was he cheating on you?”

“Well.” I hesitated. “Technically, no. We weren’t actually seeing each other when he was
schtupping
her.”

Leaning forward, she pressed her hands flat on countertop, and practically yelled in my face. “So how can you blame him?”

I’d asked myself that very same question.

Maybe it was how he’d so callously chucked Riley aside when we got together.

If he could do that to her, what’s to say he couldn’t do that to me?

Is that the crux of my fear?
I wondered.
That if I allow myself to accept the sense of security he offers, the blanket will be ripped off when I least expect it?

“You don’t understand, Mom. And Julian doesn’t understand, either.” I sighed. “I just need someone who understands
me
.”

“Sadie, you don’t need someone who understands you.” Her lips thinned and her nostrils flared. “What you need is someone who can
stand
you.”

I scowled at her. “Whose damn side are you on anyway?”

If she heard my question, she chose to ignore it. “Listen to me, Sadie. Don’t fuck this up because he’s really great.”

“See!” I speared her with an accusing look. “You’re obviously on his side!”

“I’m not on anyone’s side.”

“Yes, you are!”

“I am
not
,” she insisted.

“All right.” I folded my arms across my chest. “Then name me one negative thing about Julian.”

She made a great show of thinking upon the question, her face scrunched up in concentration, one finger placed under her chin. “Well, sometimes I find it kind of annoying when he stares at the menu at brunch for twenty minutes and has no idea what he’s gonna order.”

“That’s it?” Disbelief echoed in my voice. “That’s all you can come up with? He’s not perfect, you know!”

“You’re not perfect either!” she shot back. “You have a temper only Julian can survive. Trust me, anyone with any sense is safer someplace else. And the two of you—you just
work
. You’ve met your match in him. He stands up to you and grounds you. He can always laugh away your bad moods and make you smile. He knows you have a son, and he accepts that. Hell, he even accepts me. Most of all, he accepts you—
you
—with your warts and all. And you’re actually happier with him in your life.”

Saying nothing, I looked down, staring at the scraps of food on my plate.

“Sadie.” She exhaled a clipped sigh. “I hope our greatest love stories don’t stay with the men who left us. I think our greatest love stories are inspired by broken hearts. And those broken hearts help us learn and carry on and find what we
do
want.” When I lifted my gaze, she was smiling at me. It was a smile full of regret, sorrow, and other unreadable things. “It helps us find what we deserve.”

By the time she was finished talking, I was no longer certain who she was talking about. Herself or me.

“Mom…” I spoke carefully. “I’m really sorry about what happened with Dad.”

“I am, too, honey. But the heart is a resilient organ. Too bad the liver isn’t.” She gave a shaky laugh. “Or I’d still be drinking to numb the pain.”

“But, Mom,” I said softly. “You’re doing good now.”

“I don’t know how you can define good. A part of me was hoping that staying sober would solve the rest of my problems. But I’m still a mess. I’m still depressed. And I’m trying my hardest to do something about it.”

She closed her eyes for a moment. At first I thought she was struggling not to cry.

But when she opened them again, I saw that her gaze was clouded with confusion.

And she was studying me as if I were some complicated knot she must untangle. “I think I know why you’re pushing him away,” she said at last. “You’re scared to believe that this might actually be real. It’s like you’re just dying to prove a point.”

I set my fork down on the counter. “And what point do you think I am trying to prove?”

“That you knew this wouldn’t work anyway. It’s almost like you want to say,
‘I knew he’d leave me like the rest of them.’
You’re so afraid of getting hurt that you’re sabotaging this relationship because you don’t want to surrender control. So you end it before he does. You hurt him before he gets a chance to hurt you.” She paused. “But he’s not going to hurt you. What you have with him is real. Why can’t you see that?”

I swallowed hard, blinking back the stinging tears.

How can it be real?

For so long, I’d felt like a stranger on a strange planet when it came to love.

I’d never considered myself particularly lovable, so when Julian offered me his love, it fucking scared me.

It scared me because I’d always gotten the crumbs of a full relationship, the rest out of reach.

So many thoughts raced through my mind. I thought about how my dad and Simon had passed through my life and hurt me and simply moved on.

I thought about how long I’d been trying to hold myself together after they left.

And I wondered… how much longer would I have to feel this way before I felt deserving of love?

When Mom spoke again, her expression softened and there was a look of understanding in her eyes. “And I don’t blame you, honey. After what your dad did to us, I don’t blame you. But don’t let him fuck up your life now. You’ve never let him fuck it up before. You didn’t fall apart when he left. You didn’t check out of Evan’s life when Simon abandoned you. And you raised him all on your own. A single woman being happy seemed to threaten some people, but you never let it affect you. You’ve been so strong, so resilient. You’re the life source of this family, Sadie. You’re
my
life source, my home and my beacon for hope.”

“Stop it, Mom,” I bit out, sniffling back tears. “You’re gonna make me cry.”

What she didn’t realize was that I
did
succumb to self-pity and I
did
fall apart, I just never let it show. I only let myself crumble when no one was watching.

I was always trying to hold it together for her. For us.

All of a sudden, Mom burst into tears, crying like she’d just passed a kidney stone.

And the tears I’d been holding back, the tears that had been threatening to overflow finally did, coursing down my cheeks.

Then the craziest thing in the world happened. Mom walked around the counter and pulled me in for a hug. “I love you, Sadie.” She gave a short hiccupping sob.

Niagara Falls was falling from my eyeballs. “I love you, too, Mom.”

We didn’t have a lot of moments like these… moments when I felt like she loved me.

And hearing her say those things about me—it meant a lot. To have my mom
feel
those things about me was better than a million strangers thinking that about me.

“Don’t harden your heart, Sadie.” She rubbed her hands around my back. “Don’t let it calcify and become an empty, fossilized shell. What you have with Julian is
real
.”

“But…” I spoke through the tears. “How do I know it’s real?”

“Sadie.” She grasped my shoulders and held me at arms length, searching my face with a motherly look. “When a man shows you who he is,
believe
him. And Julian has shown you that he’s a standup guy. Someone who loves you for
you
and does not wish for you to be a different person. Someone you can always count on, who doesn’t run away when the tide gets rough. The whole time Evan was sick and recovering from his complications, Julian was there for you. He was there for all of us. He came to my AA meetings to support me. And he spends time with Evan, quality time. You know that, you
see
that. And he’s crazy about you… I can see it in the way he looks at you, the way he’s always caught on every word you say, his understanding of needing to draw you out and make you feel comfortable. If that doesn’t say he loves you, then I don’t know what does.”

It cut deep because she was right.

Though I’d played my cards close to my chest and it took a lot for me to let my guard down, his patience never faltered.

He always took the time to reassure me, to let me know he had my back, to let me know he was here for me, even when he had his own problems at work weighing so heavily upon him.

And the love he offered, it was the kind of love that fed my soul—encouraging, supporting, and absolute.

The kind of love that sent me off into the world each day and helped me take on whatever came my way.

Meanwhile, after that grandiose speech filled with hearts and flowers, Mom was all gung ho and fired up. “Now don’t mess this up! Go!” She shooed me off. “Go get your man. Grovel if you have to. Even better, have a climatic meeting at the top of the Empire State Building.”

Clearly, she has watched one too many rom-coms
.

“Mom.” I rolled my eyes. “We live in San Francisco.”

“The Golden Gate Bridge then! It inspires romance even on a foggy day. Oh, wait!” she cried as a new idea took root. “We
do
have our very own civic phallus in the bay area—Coit Tower!” When I expelled a weary sigh, she quickly added, “I know, I know… it resembles a fire hose nozzle, but it would be perfect! Coit Tower is
our
Empire State Building.”