Jumping Puddles (26 page)

“I love you too, Blake.”

The words slip past my lips before I realize what I’m saying. It’s the truth, but I wasn’t prepared to tell him. Truthfully, I wasn’t prepared to admit it to myself. I never stopped loving Blake, even while I was with Zach. I ignored my feelings for him, but they were always there.

“Tell me where you are, please,” he begs.

“I can’t. Not yet.” When he doesn’t respond, I say goodbye, hanging up the phone before he can reply. When it rings moments later, I’m not surprised. I can’t talk to him any more right now. I don’t have enough left in me.

Unplugging the phone from the wall, I head back outside. Once I’m safely in my chair, headphones in place, I let it all out. The tears silently fall while I pretend to read. The words blur together as I stare at the page and attempt to push through it unsuccessfully.

THEY FINISHED THE
house last week. I’ve been cleaning up the dust ever since, but it’s beautiful. The outdated interior is now fresh and modern. All four bedrooms have been updated with fresh paint and new carpets. The master bath and guest bath were both gutted and reconfigured.

The kitchen was the biggest overhaul. The wall between the dining room and kitchen was removed, opening up the area, making it feel bigger. Top of the line appliances, modern cabinets, and an island were installed. My favorite part of the kitchen? The new backsplash. John found this unique, two-tone, gray subway tile. I fell in love with it immediately. It’s so pretty I run my fingers across it every morning while I wait for my coffee to brew.

Yesterday all the furniture I ordered was delivered. I needed beds and dressers for each room. The painters accidentally spilled gray paint on my sofa, so I ordered a new living room set. I should have ordered a new dining room table, but I couldn’t bring myself to part with the one my parents had. It’s still in great condition, but it stands out. Everything else in the house is modern.

Now, I’m waiting at the airport for my family to arrive, my leg bouncing with excitement. It’s been five months since I’ve seen any of them. Georgie should be the first to arrive. His plane is landing any minute now. By the time we get his bags, everyone else should be here.

“Charlotte!”

Looking up, I see him walking in my direction. I jump out of my seat and run to him. Picking me up and swinging me around, he engulfs me in a hug. He’s grown since I’ve seen him last. Not in height, in mass.

“Damn, Georgie! Have you been working out?” I ask as he places me back down on the floor and wraps his arm around my shoulder.

“A little,” he replies shyly.

“What’s her name?” I inquire as we head toward the baggage carousels.

Georgie tells me all about his new girlfriend, Bethany, while we wait for his bag to come around. She sounds sweet. He plans to bring her home for Christmas this year, but I won’t get to meet her. I don’t plan to go home for Christmas, but I haven’t broken the news to my family yet.

We’re so engrossed in conversation, I don’t hear anyone sneak up behind me. I almost jump out of my skin when Brenden wraps his arms around me from behind. My high-pitched screech causes everyone to laugh, including me once I realize whose arms they are.

My brothers make the hour drive to my house feel like five minutes as they tell stories non-stop. Georgie tells us more about Bethany, and Brenden teases him relentlessly. I give Brenden less than a year before he finds a girl he’s smitten with. Georgie won’t forget this moment, either, so he’ll tease Brenden when it happens.

For the first time in a long time, smiling feels effortless. I was worried things would be tense when they arrived, afraid everyone would inundate me with questions I wasn’t prepared to answer. The fact that things feel normal as if nothing has changed is a huge sigh of relief.

After everyone gets settled, I give them all the grand tour, explaining all the changes I made. I’m proud of the home I’ve built for myself here. More than anything, I’m excited to share it with my family.

Alice and I spend the rest of the night in the kitchen, getting prepared for dinner tomorrow. I’ve taught myself how to cook over the years, but I’ve never prepared a dinner as extravagant as Thanksgiving by myself. I’m grateful for her help and expertise. This also gives us time together—just the two of us. I miss those days. It almost makes me want to take her shopping. Almost. I’m still not a huge fan.

“So,” Alice begins. The way she says that one little word makes me take notice. She’s hesitant in starting the conversation, and I’m nervous about why. “Have you talked to Blake lately?”

And I have my answer. “Not since Scott called me for him.”

“That’s been months, Charlotte!”

“I know. I’ve been a little busy,” I say, motioning around me with my flour-covered hands. Sprinkles of flour fall on the counter and floor near me, spreading the mess we’ve made a little more.

“Since when are you too busy to talk to your best friend?”

Since I’m scared to call him. That’s what I want to say, but instead, I just shrug my shoulders and go back to rolling out the pie crust.

“You don’t have to listen to me, but I think you should call him. The last time I saw him he looked depressed.”

“I’m sure he’s fine, but if it makes you feel better, I’ll call him while you’re here.”

“It’s not about me, Charlotte. It’s about you and him.”

I nod, knowing she’s right and attempting to end the conversation on that note. It is, it’s about us. It’s about our friendship and our feelings. I should call him, at least to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. I’m sure he’ll be at his mom’s for the holiday. As long as Scott lets me use his cell phone, I’ll call him tomorrow after dinner. Just to say hi. Just to make sure he’s okay. That’s all.

TWENTY YEARS. I’VE
spent the last twenty years without them in my life. It doesn’t seem possible. It still feels like I lost them yesterday. That moment, I still remember it clearly. Maybe it’s because I live in that house again. Maybe it’s because I’ve come back home. It’s been over a year now since I moved here. A year, alone, without anyone.

I haven’t seen my family since Thanksgiving. Scott and Alice were upset I refused to come home for Christmas. They were planning on coming here for my birthday but had to cancel because Scott had to go to a conference for work in Texas that weekend.

There have been so many times I’ve packed a bag, driven to the airport, and bought a ticket. I’ve attempted to talk myself into getting on the plane. I’ve even made it through security twice. As soon as they start boarding my flight, I begin to freak out.

What if I run into Zach or Aubrey in LA?

What if Blake is home when I get there?

I’m not ready to deal with my old life. Which is ironic since today is the one day of the year I attempt to avoid life in general. Not this time, though. This time, I’m going to face everything with my chin up. I owe it to my parents. Hell, I owe it to myself.

I drive past the cemetery twice before I actually pull over and park. I can see their headstone from where I’m sitting. Staring at it for a few minutes, giving myself a much-needed pep talk, I focus on all the good things in my life. Yes, my parent’s death was a tragedy, but if it had never happened, I wouldn’t have the life I do today.

I never would have been as close to my Aunt as I was.

I never would have been placed with Scott and Alice.

I never would have met Blake.

Blake. I miss him so much. More so in the last few weeks.

Sure, there’s a lot that’s happened I wish I could forget about. The best thing that’s ever happened to me, though, is I was given a family I wouldn’t trade for the world. I love my brothers. I love my parents. I love my life. As lonely as it is right now, that’s a choice I made. It wasn’t a life I was forced into. I could have stayed in LA and pushed through. That’s not what I wanted. I wanted to come home. It’s a decision I still agree with, and one I don’t think I’ll ever regret.

Tracing the lettering with my fingers, I remember the morning everything changed. My red rain boots. The feel of the hem of my dress brushing against my skin. It was soaked, but I was happy. I was jumping from puddle to puddle.

My parents, all smiles as they drove away, waving at me and the babysitter. If only I had known I wouldn’t get to see them again. I would have told them I loved them. I would have hugged them tighter. I wouldn’t have let them leave. I would have begged and pleaded for them to stay.

But we didn’t know. No one could have seen it coming. It was a stupid, senseless act of violence that stripped me of my parents and them of the future they deserved. I still don’t understand it, and I probably never will because I don’t want to. I do accept it, however. I have to. I don’t have a choice.

“Hey, Mom. Dad. It’s Charlotte.” Pausing and scanning the area to make sure no one is around to hear, I catch sight of movement across the cemetery. They’re far enough away they shouldn’t be able to hear me. “So, it’s been a while since I visited. A lot’s happened since the last time I was here. So much that I’m not really sure where to start.

“I moved back here. I’m living in the house, our house. I made a few improvements, updated a few things, but it’s still the same house for the most part. I think you’d like the changes I made. I know you’d love the garden tub I put in the master bath, Mom. You loved taking a bath after a long day at work. It’s weird the things I remember, isn’t it?

“Anyway. I’m here now. To stay. I was in New York and LA, modeling. It was fun, but I got royally screwed by my manager. I don’t really want to talk about that, but just know I’m doing okay now. I’m working through it. I’m stronger than I appear to be. I promise.”

I’m starting to get choked up, so I pause, take a seat, and pick at the grass around me. It’s starting to get dry and turn brown. I’m not surprised, especially since this was the hottest summer on record in almost fifty years.

“So, the last time I was here I brought a friend with me, Blake. We ended up dating for a while. It didn’t work out, though. Life got in the way, I guess. We were headed in different directions at the time. I miss him, though. It’s funny, I think he’s the only thing I miss about the life I left behind in LA. Maybe one day, I’ll find the courage to see him again. I’m just so embarrassed. That thing I don’t want to tell you about with my manager, it’s embarrassing. It’s been over a year, and I still feel like an idiot. I know Blake understands, but I also know he feels bad for me. I don’t want to see the look of pity on his face. I don’t think I’d be able to hold myself together.

“It’s funny the way people affect us, isn’t it? I think about Blake, and I can’t help but smile. I miss him, but I won’t allow myself to see him. I think about you guys, and I miss you, too, but it’s because I know I can’t see you. I’d give anything to see you guys again—even for a moment—just to tell you I love you one more time.”

My heart starts beating erratically in my chest. I’m such an idiot. I’m sitting here telling my dead parents I would do anything to be able to tell them I love them one more time. I can’t change that. I have no control over that situation. I do, however, have control over the rest of my life. I can change the rest of my situation.

“I love you guys. I’m sorry I can’t stay longer, but there’s somewhere I need to be.”

Kissing the tips of my fingers, I place my hand on their headstone before walking away. All I can think about it what I’m going to say to Blake when I see him. Will he forgive me for being an idiot for the past year? I have to take the chance. I’ll never know if I don’t.

Running down a list of things I need to do before I head to the airport, I’m lost in my own thoughts as I walk back to my car. I need to pack a bag. I have to lock up the house and call the neighbors to keep an eye on it. I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone. It could be a few days or a few weeks. I won’t leave until Blake forgives me. That may take a while.

Pulling my keys from my pocket, I look left and then right, making sure it’s clear before I cross the road. I take one step into the road and then look up, my keys falling from my hand. Blinking twice to make sure I’m not seeing things, I bend over and pick up my keys.