Just a Little (5-8) (15 page)

I studied the picture, and it struck me as odd that the woman was Luke’s mother. He’d only ever talked about her once, but he’d described her as nothing but rough, tough, and practically indestructible. I’d always imagined her looking a lot like her son: strong arms, tall stature, and always wearing a stern expression. She was nothing like I’d pictured; she was petite, feminine, and beautiful. She had a soft face, an endearingly crooked smile, and the most gorgeous brown eyes I’d ever seen.

“Is this you?” I asked, pointing at the second picture on the page. It was yet another photo of his mother, but she was a little older and just a bit wider. Bundled in her arms and swaddled in a blue blanket, a plump, pink, newborn slept soundly against her chest.

“That’s me,” he answered, trying to fight a smile. “I was a handsome devil, yeah?”

“Yeah,” I silently agreed that Luke had probably been one of the better looking babies I’d seen in my time. Of course, I wasn’t the least bit surprised. It was hard to imagine that anyone with a face like his could’ve ever been hard to look at, even as an infant.

Luke turned the page to reveal another handful of old photographs. Most of them, as I should’ve guessed, were of his mother. Every now and then a picture would slip by that didn’t feature her front and center, but it was a rarity.

“Who’s this?” I asked after we’d gone through the first five pages. There was a picture in the upper left corner of the page that showed an older woman, probably nearing her sixties, sitting in a swing on the front porch of a log cabin.

“My gran,” he said, and now his smile was wider than it’d been in days.

I studied the picture a little closer and then looked back to Luke. “Is this…” I pointed at the cabin in the picture. “Is this the same place?”

“One and the same. It’s where my mom grew up,” he threw a glance around the cabin. “It’s nothing special, but it worked for the two of them. After Mom moved to Oakland, met Dad, and started a family, Gran thought of selling the cabin and moving south. But Mom wouldn’t let her. It was their home, you know? So, to keep Gran from getting restless and selling the place, Mom brought me up every summer to stay. It gave Gran something to look forward to, and Mom loved coming back just as much. After Mom passed,” his chest rose with a heavy breath, “Gran just had a hard time being alone. There were just too many memories, I guess.”

I studied the woman’s brown-eyed stare in the photograph before I turned back to Luke. “What happened to her?”

He almost laughed, but he was able to restrain it. “Florida happened to her,” he said. “She spends half of her year down south in the company of her friends, and then she comes back every summer. She’s never alone. I try to spend as much time with her as I can afford to.”

“Really?”

“Mmm-hmm,” he ran a finger over his grandmother’s picture.

“That’s really cool,” I looked around the cabin, and it became a little easier to understand why Luke looked at the place the way he did.

He turned the next page as if he was satisfied with where we’d left the conversation. The following page was littered with pictures of him from infancy to childhood. In another photo, around the time he was three, Luke sat wide-eyed and grinning on his mother’s lap. She sat in a rocking chair—the very rocking chair Luke had monopolized since our arrival—and held him against her chest.

“This is my favorite,” he traced his mother’s face with a finger, “Mother’s Day.”

As he ran his finger across the picture, it stopped short just at his mother’s neckline, right where his head rested gently against her skin. I didn’t know if his stop was intentional or if it’d only been an impulse. Either way, both of our eyes studied the picture a little closer, and my heart suddenly felt heavy.

“Luke,” I said, almost breathlessly, and I never took my eyes off of the photograph. In fact, I leaned closer to make sure I was seeing it correctly. “Is that my—”

“Yes,” he said, and before he could turn to the next page, my hand found his and stopped it.

“But I thought—”

“You thought wrong.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t see how it was important,” he tried to turn the page yet again. Though he tried to act as if he didn’t think it was important, everything in his eyes told me otherwise. It was a big deal; it was a
very
big deal. He just didn’t want to be vulnerable enough to admit it.

He hadn’t just made a sweet gesture the night he’d come to my house, made me dinner, and presented me with a late Christmas gift. The night I opened that box—the night he closed the clasp on that necklace around my neck—he’d said a whole lot more than I’d ever really known.

He hadn’t gone out and spent hours looking for the perfect present; he hadn’t been trying to compete with Derek at all. His gift hadn’t cost him a dime, but it had still cost him a lot courage and trust.

He’d trusted me enough to give me his mother’s necklace, and it never came with a list of conditions. He’d never once preached at me the importance of keeping it safe, clean, or properly stored. He’d never given me any indication that his gift had any kind of sentimental value; he’d never even asked for it back after we’d broken up.

“You gave me your mother’s necklace?” I asked, still holding his hand. In that moment, he must’ve realized I still had a firm grasp on his fingers. He looked down and watched as our hands held each other’s, and his face didn’t show the slightest change in expression. “Why?”

“I wanted you to have it,” he said, but he still hadn’t met my stare. “
She
would’ve wanted you to have it.”

“She would’ve hated me,” I tried not to smirk.

I couldn’t imagine a mother liking any girl who was a distraction to her son, and in earlier months, that’s exactly what I’d been. My presence at the station during the job-shadowing program, the early morning runs, the shooting that landed him in the hospital, and everything that had happened since… all major distractions.

“No,” he squeezed my hand beneath his. He shook his head and repressed a laugh. “She always had this crazy notion that I was stubborn.”

“
No
,” I said, and I made sure not to skimp on the over-exaggerated eye roll.

“And if I knew my mother,” he tried not to smile at my sarcasm, “I know she probably would’ve tried teaming up with you to ‘fix’ me.” He smiled, but it quickly faded. “She wouldn’t have hated you at all, Julie. You guys…” He sighed and shook his head, swept away by the memory of his mother. “You would’ve been great friends.”

I smiled, too, and Luke finally turned to meet my gaze.

“She would’ve loved you because you’re as no-nonsense as she was.”

I managed a smile and nodded, but I didn’t say anything else. After a few silent minutes passed and neither of us exchanged another word, I started to pull my hand back, but Luke held it tighter.

“Julie,” he said, and I suddenly sensed his face turning into mine. He inched a little closer and dropped his head. “I’m sorry things have gotten this screwed up.”

“Life happens, Luke,” I felt nervousness creep slowly into my throat.

“You know I could make you happy, Julie,” he brushed a hair from my eyes. “I could give you everything you’ve ever wanted.”

I nodded, but I didn’t let a single muscle on my face move.

I never doubted what Luke could give me. He probably
could
make me happy, but history hadn’t been his best friend. He’d never once proven that he cared about my happiness. He’d lied to me, kept things from me, and acted as though I didn’t have a trustworthy bone in my body. He hadn’t respected me…he hadn’t even tried. It was an intriguing offer, it truly was, but I had to be smart enough to consider the fact that Luke could talk a good game. It was in his carry-through that he always fell short.

I let a few quiet minutes pass before I opened my mouth to respond, still unsure of what I was going to say, but I couldn’t find my voice.

“I know you’re sorry,” I finally said, but it took every ounce of courage I had to say that much.
I knew he was sorry
; I didn’t want to dismiss his regret so easily. I had no doubt that Luke felt terrible for all the pain he’d caused me in the last few months, but I didn’t know where to go from there. I’d become so numb to his apologies that I’d almost given up hope that any ‘sorry’ would ever suffice. But his apology actually meant something this time, and I couldn’t quite figure out why.

After another silent minute, I dropped my head and shrugged. “I want to believe things could change for us, Luke, but I don’t know that they ever will.” I took a deep breath and bit back a wall of tears. “I fought too hard for you when you weren’t ready, and that was my mistake. Now that you’re ready, and now that
you’re
in the fight, I’ve lost hope.”

Luke didn’t say anything; his expression didn’t indicate that he’d registered anything I’d said. To avoid any more hurt or humiliation, I pulled myself off the couch and walked toward the bathroom. As much as I wanted to turn back and steal one last glance at his face before he shut down (as he inevitably would), I couldn’t muster the courage to look over my shoulder.

I didn’t want to see the sadness in his eyes; I didn’t want to give in. I didn’t trust myself enough to stay strong because something about Luke had always made me falter. I had to keep walking.

I retreated to the bathroom and shut the door behind me, taking a deep breath once I had the extra barrier. Turning to the sink, I cupped my hands beneath a cold stream of water and splashed it onto my face. It was enough to wash away the few tears that had fallen, but it did nothing to bring me to my senses.

If I wanted to get beyond this night, I’d have to wash the whole day away. Quickly stripping my clothes to the floor, and thankful that I’d left my suitcase in the bathroom after my morning shower, I turned to the shower and stepped into the tub.

No sooner than I closed the curtain and the hot water began beating down on my skin, the bathroom door creaked open.

A few faint footsteps echoed in the room, and I knew that Luke had only waited to come in so I’d have no choice but to hear him out.

“Luke,” I let out a slow breath, “you have to learn boundaries.”

“Jules,” he said, and his voice was so low that I could barely hear him over the running water, “you told me once that you weren’t going to stop pursuing me until I told you to. Then I screwed up, and I don’t know how else to say I’m sorry.”

Other than the sound of the running water as it pulsed against my skin, the room fell silent.

“You may’ve lost hope, Julie,” Luke said, and his voice was louder and full of confidence, “and that’s all on my shoulders. I’ll gladly take responsibility for every ounce of doubt you feel. But we have to be stronger than this. Give me a chance to make this right; let me prove myself to you.
I’m not going to stop until I’ve tried everything.
Until you tell me that you’re out, until you can look me in the eye and tell me that there’s no future for us, I
won’t
give up on you. I love you, kid. I have a shitty way of showing it, but I’m trying.”

He paused, and I took that pause to mean it was my turn to talk. Like earlier in the evening, my voice failed me.

“You can tell me to stop,” Luke said, no longer waiting for a response, “and I’ll walk away. But until I hear those words, I’m holding on.
I
won’t lose hope.”

CHAPTER SIX

Sunday, April 07 | 11:58 p.m.

I never responded.

I never gave him the answer or the clarification he was looking for. I simply waited for him to walk away—which he eventually did—and I carried on with my shower. Being alone with my thoughts had turned out to be an incredibly dangerous thing.

I had to pass through the living room to get to the stairs, and I was fearful that Luke would hound me for some kind of reaction. Somehow I got lucky when I slipped by without so much as a glance. He never looked up, and I never looked over.

I couldn’t manage to get myself up the stairs and tucked into bed without thinking of what had unfolded in the few hours leading up to the night. It had all started so normally that morning—him hating me, me hating him—and then the day ended in a situation that felt insurmountable.

I closed my eyes a thousand times, but no matter how tight I held them, they always snapped back open. I should’ve known better than to think that my second night in the cabin would go as smoothly as the first. I tossed and turned for hours without any hope of ever falling asleep.

There was too much weighing on my mind.

On top of everything that had happened with Luke, I couldn’t quit thinking of everyone I’d left back in Oakland.

I kept wondering why we hadn’t heard more from Charlie. Surely they’d caught up to Milton by now. It didn’t seem possible that he could stay on the run, or in hiding, this long. I could only assume that, given the circumstances, he had to have someone on the outside helping him hide from the police.

Every time I let the thought cross my mind, I couldn’t help but hear Luke’s voice.

If I can’t make you see what kind of man Derek Milton really is, then I guess you’ll just have to wait and see it for yourself. I just hope that—when that time comes—you’ll be alive to realize that you were wrong.

It couldn’t be; I’d never doubted Derek before, and I didn’t
want
to start doubting him. But there was always a possibility that he’d only gotten close to me to help carry out his father’s plan. All I could do was hope that my irrational thinking was nothing more than Luke’s foolish words going to my head.

I rolled out of bed sometime after midnight. I walked quietly across the second floor and stopped short at the balcony railing. I looked down on the living room and watched as Luke sat—wide awake and alert as always—staring at the same old book of photos.

I turned and walked toward the stairs, taking each one as quietly as possible. Luke looked up and watched as I stepped onto the first floor landing and his brow furrowed.

“Everything okay?”

“Can’t sleep.”

He nodded and shut the book as I came closer. He’d already pulled the sofa bed out, so I took a seat on the corner of the springy mattress and watched him closely.

“Can I ask you a question?”

His lips twitched, but he nodded, “Sure.”

“Will you put your personal feelings about Derek aside for a minute and tell me something?”

“I can try,” he scooted forward in his chair. “What do you want to know?”

“The truth,” I tried not to let my tears surface. “We’ve been through a lot. And I can’t remember a time when we’ve ever seen eye-to-eye, Luke.” He nodded, but his expression didn’t change. “It’s no secret that one of our biggest issues, if not our
biggest
issue, was Derek, right from the very start.” Again, he nodded. I dropped my head and looked at the ground, but only because I didn’t dare look him in the eye when I found the nerve to ask him, “Is he the reason why they haven’t found Conan? He’s helping his father?”

Luke scooted himself to the very edge of his seat, reached forward, and lifted my chin. His touch didn’t linger; he simply pulled his hand back and lowered his gaze.

“No,” he said, and there was more honesty in that one word than I had prepared myself for.

“What?”

“I don’t think Derek knows any more than we do at this point,” he said, and for the first time in months, I actually believed that Luke was being honest with me. “Julie, I talked to Charlie this morning. Bruno’s had eyes on Derek ‘round the clock; that’s why he stayed back in Oakland. He’s watched him day and night since the moment we rolled out. Honestly, kid, Bruno thinks Derek is just as baffled and fearful as the rest of the town.”

It hurt; I’d been trying to tell him for months that Derek wasn’t a problem. I’d tried reassuring him (time and time again) that there was no threat, that he had nothing to fear, but Luke never believed me. The moment Bruno and Charlie tell him—the moment they confirm their beliefs are the same as the ones I’d had for months—
then
Luke was ready to listen?

“You talked to Charlie?” I watched his eyes as they locked on mine. “Did he say… is Derek… is he—”

“He’s fine,” Luke leaned closer. There wasn’t an edge to his voice, or even the slightest bit of hostility. For the first time in a long time, Luke was talking to me as an equal; he wasn’t trying to placate me, or even shut me up. He was trying to give me the honesty I’d been asking for from the very beginning. “They’re going to catch Conan, Julie. They’re going to stop at nothing to make sure he doesn’t hurt a soul, and that includes his son. Derek might not be as safe as you are right now, but he
is
safe. He’s one of the safest people in that town
because
of the eyes that are on him. He doesn’t make a move without us knowing—
not a single move.
”

I nodded and looked down at my feet.

“Julie,” he reached forward to lift my chin again, but this time he didn’t let go, “He’s going to be okay. I promise.”

I let his words sink in before I met his stare, and the sincerity in his eyes trumped all the doubt I’d felt coming into that moment.

He could’ve just sat there and let me fret over the uncontrollable, but he didn’t.

“Thanks,” I said, and I didn’t have to say what for. We both knew that his words meant more than a simple
thanks
could’ve expressed, but it was easier to just walk away and let the silence speak for itself.

I started to stand when Luke reached forward and took my hand.

“One more minute,” he said as if he still had something else to say.

I settled back in and watched as he gnawed on his bottom lip.

“Luke?”

“When I told Derek to leave town,” he said quickly, “it was only
partially
because I didn’t trust him.” He blinked his brown eyes a few times and watched for a reaction, but I didn’t give him one. “There was always something about him that rubbed me the wrong way, yes, but that wasn’t the only reason I didn’t want him around.”

“Okay?” I pulled my feet up and tucked them under my legs. Luke seemed to relax as he saw me get comfortable; he let his shoulders fall, and he eased himself back in the chair.

“In all honesty, Julie,” he said, and this time he closed his eyes for a few deep breaths, “I was jealous.”

I had to watch his lips carefully as he said those three little words; Luke had never been one to show any sign of insecurity, nor had he ever come close to admitting his faults. I didn’t know what to make of his sudden honesty, and quite frankly, it scared me a little. I’d thought I’d known everything there was to know about Luke, and all of a sudden he started dropping bombs left and right.

“He was the one,” he said, not giving me time to respond to his admission. “Your Uncle Charlie doesn’t look at Derek and see the things I see. He sees the individual, and I see the potential. Derek worships you, and that’s just what Charlie wants. He wants you surrounded by people who’ll throw themselves at your feet. He wants you to have an easy life, a life free of risk. Derek is everything he could’ve asked for; there is no question that he could make you happy.
I’m
the risk.
I
want to challenge you, Julie. I want to make you question things. I want to make you smile, make you angry. I want to make you feel more than just content. I’m not going to walk behind you or in front of you. I’m going to stand beside you. And no, that doesn’t mean I’m going to let you skip through life making foolish decisions or ignoring consequences. It just means that I care enough to help you learn… and help you understand that life isn’t always about getting your way. That’s not what your family wants for you, and I struggled to accept that. So, no, I didn’t want you cozying up with Derek. I didn’t want him anywhere near you,” he said, and I finally sensed some finality coming, “ because I didn’t want him to
have
you.”

I watched his eyes as they traced my face, and his hand slowly slipped from my wrist to my fingers.

“Now,” he struggled to clear his throat, “can I ask
you
a question?”

“Sure.”

“Do you love him?” he asked, and it was almost as if he’d lost his voice.

“Luke—”

“Back then, in the months before he left,” he said, “your feelings for Derek were strictly platonic.” I nodded, and he looked as though he’d never doubted that fact. “But things seem different now that he’s home. I just… I want to know what’s changed.”

“I don’t know,” I said. It wouldn’t have mattered what I said. I knew very well what Luke was fishing for. He wanted me to admit that he’d been right. He wanted to hear it—straight from my mouth to his ears—that I had feelings for Derek.

“Julie,” he sat at the very edge of his chair again. His fingers gently traced the naked ring finger on my left hand. “Do you wanna get married?”

“Whoa,” I jerked my hand back. And as soon as I pulled away, his face dropped, and he shook his head.

“No, no, no,” he said, trying to take my hand back, but I kept it far from his reach, “I’m not asking you
to
get married.”

I sucked in a breath and held it for a minute, but the panic couldn’t drain from my face. “Try again.”

“I’m sorry,” he dropped his head as if he couldn’t believe he hadn’t found a better way to phrase his question. I kept my hands planted firmly in my lap as Luke took a few deep breaths to start over.

“When we started dating in December, I was overwhelmed with work and reconnecting with Dad. And then Rebecca and Molly showed up, and all hell broke loose. I lost you, and I’m not really sure I ever had you. We went on what… two dates in a matter of months? I can’t remember spending more than a few hours with you in the time that we were ‘together.’ Like an idiot, I never took the time to ask the questions a boyfriend is supposed to ask. I don’t know what you want from life. Are you going to college in the fall? Have you even applied anywhere? Are you going to strike out on your own and give life a shot?
Do you want to get married?
Do you want to have children? Do you want the same things from life that your parents had? Or are you chasing after something completely different? Who are you? What do you want, Julie?”

His questions were all reasonable, and though I’d never taken the time to vocalize my aspirations, I vaguely knew what I wanted from life.

“I’m not any closer to knowing what I want do about college than I was nine months ago,” I thought back to how much I’d hated the stupid job-shadowing project that’d started all of this. “I loved working on the Fall Ball, and putting the holiday parade together, sure. I think I’m good at executing things like that, but it doesn’t feel realistic enough to work in the long run.” I shrugged my shoulders and tried to think of all the questions he’d asked me. “I don’t even know what dress I’m wearing to graduation, so please don’t expect me to know what I want to do months after I get my diploma. College is probably not going to happen right away. I don’t even know if that’s something I want for myself.” I tried not to smirk as I answered the next question, but it was hard not to considering how he’d first asked. “Yes, I want to get married. I want to experience falling in love to the point of complete bliss; I want to create a happily ever after with someone who loves me as passionately as I love him. I want
everything
my parents had, Luke. I want to marry the man I love. I want to fall asleep in his arms every night. And just like my parents,” I fought my tears, “I want to die in his arms.” A single tear slid down my cheek as I watched his begin to well. “I want a family, Luke;
of course,
I want children. And I’d stay in Oakland forever if it meant that my children got to be loved, hugged, and spoiled by Charlie and Matt.”

Luke simply smirked, so I took that as an indication that I’d answered everything to his satisfaction. I didn’t want to stay up any longer and let the night get any more confusing than it already had. I’d only come down looking for answers about Derek, and somehow I ended up spilling my guts about all the things I wanted from life.

“I think I’ll just go to bed.”

“Julie,” Luke stood up just as I started to walk away. I turned back and watched as he shrugged, “I’m an asshole, I know.”

“Glad we’re on the same page.”

“I’ve made your life hell these past few months, and I’ll never be able to apologize enough. I’m not asking for you to love me, and I’d never
dare
ask again for your forgiveness; I know I don’t deserve it. But I don’t want you to walk away and think that I don’t know just how badly I screwed up. I know, and I have to live with that.”

He smiled, and I couldn’t help but do the same.

“I think Derek’s a good guy,” he said, and I could see that it almost pained him to admit that out loud. “You came down here looking for honesty, and that’s what you’re going to get. I’ll
never
trust him with you, but that’s only because he’s not me. I know he can’t protect you the way I can. And I know for damn certain that he’ll never love you like I do. But I want you to be happy, and if Derek is what makes you happy… tell me, and I won’t stand in your way.”