Kate Sherwood - Dark Horse 02 - Out of the Darkness (31 page)

He realizes that he’s been looking at his shoes for quite some time, and forces his eyes up to meet Evan’s and then Jeff’s. Then he looks back to Evan. “Taylor’s a good guy, and I know he’s goodlooking. But… I don’t know, man, you being all paranoid about me being a big slut, letting people down, hurting people who care about me, who are trying to see the best in me… it pisses me off, because… because it’s like an insult, you know? You’re not seeing that…. I mean, I used to be that way, I know I did, and I know I let people down, but I’ve really worked hard… Justin worked hard….” And now it’s Dan’s turn to scramble to his feet. “Bathroom. I’ll be back in a minute.”

He’s not crying, but he’s closer than he wants to be. He gets to the bathroom and closes the door behind him, takes a deep breath, and tries to calm down. He almost laughs; the old Dan could take anything with a total poker face, but the new Dan seems to be a bit of a crier. He wonders when that transition occurred and realizes that it’s hard to know, because before Justin’s accident he hadn’t had much to cry about. He pees, more for something to do than because he needs to, and then splashes some cool water on his face. That helps, except that he briefly flashes back to being in the bathroom with Jeff right after he’d gotten the phone call about Justin, and
that’s
not a memory that will help him calm down.

He dries his face on Jeff’s guest towel and takes a quick look in the mirror. He doesn’t want to stay in the bathroom too long, doesn’t want Jeff and Evan to think that maybe there’s a problem, but if he goes out too soon, before he’s got his composure back, then it’s going to be pretty damn clear to them that there
is
a problem….

He takes three deep breaths, like he does before going into the ring at a show, and lets his body relax. He’s not in great shape, and it’s time to get the hell out of there and go home and regroup, but he thinks he can make it out the door without incident, at least. That’s something.

He heads back to the living room and finds Jeff sitting on the floor where Dan had been, leaning back against the couch. He looks up and smiles warmly. “Evan’s calling home, checking on Tat.” He nods to the floor beside him, inviting Dan to sit. “He won’t be long, I don’t expect.”

There’s a significant part of Dan that wants to collapse onto the floor next to Jeff and snuggle in, to bury his face in Jeff’s stubbled neck and—not cry, just… breathe. Be comforted. If it was just the two of them, Dan thinks he’d give in to the urge, and if it led to sex, great, and if it didn’t, that would be fine too. But Dan can hear Evan’s voice coming from the kitchen, and Dan doesn’t know how Evan would fit in to the comforting plan, isn’t sure that he would, really. Dan can imagine Jeff’s body stiffening as he becomes aware of Evan’s disapproval or his hurt at being left out, and Dan doesn’t want to feel that, doesn’t want to feel Jeff pushing him away in order to give Evan his attention. It’s not that Dan thinks Evan doesn’t deserve it; he just doesn’t want to deal with the rejection tonight.

“Well, I think maybe I’ll head out, actually. I’ve got a lot to do tomorrow, and, you know… a good night’s sleep….” Dan knows that not long ago he’d been arguing pretty strongly in favor of the evening continuing, but hopefully Jeff won’t call him on his change of heart.

“Are you sure?” Jeff looks concerned. “Evan was thinking maybe he’d stay over—that’s why he’s calling home.”

Dan nods. “Yeah, well, you know, he can still do that. Obviously….” Dan’s at a loss. He’s beginning to think maybe Jeff has a point about the sex; it makes it seem like they’re closer than they really are. Dan really isn’t comfortable enough with this relationship to be letting them see him when he’s feeling this exposed. He’s already shown more than he’d wanted, and now he needs a little time on his own to regroup. “I’ll wait to say bye to him, I guess. He won’t be long, you don’t think?”

Jeff’s on his feet now, moving toward Dan, and Dan doesn’t think that’s a good idea at all. His composure is a fragile thing, and Jeff’s kindness is surprisingly hard for it to withstand. He backs up a step, trying to look casual, but definitely working his way toward the door. “Or, you know, I’m sure I’ll see him soon….” Jeff stops moving forward, so Dan stops working backward, and he catches himself acting like a scared animal, and he hates it. He wishes he could be calmer or at least be less reactive, maybe be one of those people who gets aggressive and pushy when threatened. He guesses that’s just as much of a reaction, but it
seems
more proactive, making other people worry about themselves instead of about him.

And again, he’s been caught lost in thought while life progresses around him. Evan’s off the phone now, standing in the doorway to the kitchen as if he’s picked up on the dynamic and doesn’t want to scare Dan away. Dan’s tired of being on the defensive.

“So, yeah, I’m thinking Jeff’s probably right about the sex thing. You know, we should slow down.” There, that should shut down any objections from Jeff. “And there’s probably no easy answer for the other stuff, right? I mean, it’s something to think about, and, you know… sleep on, maybe.” He forces himself to stand still and wait for them to say the appropriate things; he’s leaving, not running.

Evan shakes his head. “Are you sure, man? We were thinking we could just kick back a little. Decompress. There was talk of popcorn….”

“Yeah, uh, tempting, but, you know….” Dan decides to try a little more honesty. “It’s already been a pretty intense night, right? Might be good to cool down a little. Just… yeah, cool down.”

Jeff’s watching him closely. “Yeah, that sounds good. But you can’t do that here?”

Huh. That’s a good point. Dan takes a minute to think. “I guess… you know, sometime, sure, I could do that here. But… tonight, I think… you know….”

Evan looks like he’s going to argue, but Jeff talks first. He sounds like he understands. “Yeah, okay. Not tonight.” He reaches one hand out slowly and cups the base of Dan’s head, bringing it forward a bit. He brings his own head toward Dan’s, and Dan anticipates a kiss, but instead Jeff brings their foreheads together, just lightly touching, and somehow it’s more intimate than a kiss because it’s not sexual, it’s just… gentle. Caring. It’s what Dan had wanted and been afraid to take earlier, when Jeff had been sitting against the couch. “You’re all right, though? Not….” He smiles gently. “I was going to say ‘not sad’, but that’s stupid, isn’t it? Of course you’re going to be sad sometimes.”

There’s motion beside them, and Evan’s there. “I’m going to head out, actually. So, Dan, if you want to stay, you know—get some Jefftime… that’s cool.”

Dan is touched but also confused. How can Evan be so suspicious of strangers, so willing to believe that Dan’s going to get sidetracked by one of them, and yet be willing to leave him alone with Jeff? Maybe it’s because Dan and Jeff are allowed to be together, according the rules that have still not been totally figured out for the relationship, or maybe it’s just because Evan trusts Jeff, even if he doesn’t trust Dan. Dan’s strongly tempted to take Evan up on the offer, but he manages to resist. He appreciates that Evan volunteered, but that doesn’t mean that it would be right for Dan to go along.

“No, man, I’m fine. Just gonna go home and get some sleep.”

But Evan’s already halfway out the door. “Dude, stay for a bit. Get him to make you popcorn. He does it on the stove—it’s really good.” Evan gives a half wave and heads out the door, leaving both Dan and Jeff staring after him.

Jeff recovers first. “When he gets the bit in his teeth….” He shakes his head and laughs gently. “So what do you say, want to come back and sit down for a while?” He runs his hands down Dan’s arms, and it’s still not sexual, just warm, and it occurs to Dan that Jeff is seducing him with comfort just as surely as Dan had tried to seduce Jeff with sex. But Dan thinks Jeff is going to be more successful, because now that Evan’s gone, Dan has no reason to resist.

Jeff pulls a little, just a gentle tug on the back of Dan’s neck, and Dan goes along with it, following Jeff back in to the living room. Jeff looks at the empty beer bottles on the table. “Another? Or….” He smiles and crosses over to the antique wardrobe in the corner, and opens it up to show a well-stocked bar. He pulls out a full bottle of Wild Turkey and holds it up questioningly. “Bought it special.”

Dan smiles and nods. It’s nice to think of Jeff at the store, running his errands and thinking of Dan. “Yeah, that’d be great. Thanks.”

Jeff pulls down two glasses. “Ice?”
Dan shrugs. “Whatever. I’m not picky.”

Jeff crosses back over to the couch with the bottle and glasses. “Straight, then. The kitchen’s too far.” Jeff sits down on the couch, and Dan hesitates, then drops to the floor at Jeff’s feet, and leans back against the couch, nestled between Jeff’s legs. It feels a bit safer down there, with an excuse to avoid eye contact, and Jeff doesn’t seem to mind, snuggling his legs in against Dan’s sides.

Dan hears the bottle being opened behind him, and then the quiet gurgle of the bourbon being poured. Jeff’s hand appears from over Dan’s shoulder, and Dan reaches up to take the glass it offers. He takes a sip, and the familiar burn is relaxing.

Dan hears Jeff pour his own drink and set the bottle on the end table, and then Jeff’s fingers are in Dan’s hair, not combing through, just softly scritching, and Dan feels like a cat and wishes that he could purr.

They sit quietly for a bit, and then Dan lifts his glass into Jeff’s line of sight. “Thanks. This was perfect.”

Jeff smoothes his fingers down along the tops of Dan’s ears, as if in acknowledgment. After a moment, he says, “That’s Chris’s drink too, right?”

Dan nods. “Yeah. Him and Justin. That’s where I picked it up.” He’s quiet and then volunteers, “I used to drink tequila. You know, the Texas thing. Didn’t like the bourbon at all, when I first started. But… it was a like a game to Justin.” He thinks for a minute. “No, not a game. It was… I don’t know. A symbol, maybe? When we were first starting, and I’d get… you know… claustrophobic, or whatever. I’d go out and drink tequila. Like I was trying to prove something.” He laughs softly at his younger self. “So maybe it was a symbol for me more than for him, huh?” Jeff doesn’t say anything, just quietly scritches with an occasional soothing stroke for good measure. “So, I don’t know… maybe I should start drinking wine out here? Is there a hard liquor that matches California?”

Jeff’s voice is quiet. “You don’t have to give up your drink, Dan. Before—you wanted to make a change, when you started with Justin. So you changed your drink. That’s fair. You’re right, it’s a good symbol.” He stops for a second, but Dan can tell he has more to say. There’s a nudge at Dan’s back, though, and Jeff mutters, “Scoot forward.” Dan obeys, and Jeff slides down between Dan’s back and the couch so that they’re both sitting on the floor, Jeff leaning against the couch, Dan still nestled between Jeff’s legs but now leaning back against his chest. Jeff pulls gently on Dan’s head, inviting him to lean it back, and Dan resists for only a moment before letting himself relax.

Dan can’t help himself. “Damn, all we need is a roaring fire and a bearskin rug, and we’d be a
total
cliché.”

Jeff rubs his stubbled cheek against Dan’s. “Don’t even pretend that you don’t love it.” He presses a quick kiss to the corner of Dan’s mouth and then leans his head back. They just sit for a minute, Jeff’s hands wrapping around to find Dan’s and twining their fingers together. After a while, he continues with what he’d been saying. “When you started with Justin, you wanted a change, so you left some things behind. We’re not… we don’t expect you to leave anything behind this time. I mean, not more than what you already have. You’ve had a lot of changes in the last couple months, and we shouldn’t be pushing too hard for you to keep adapting. We need to remember to be patient.” He shakes his head. “Really, Evan and I have been a bit selfish with this whole thing. We should have waited, given you a chance to get your bearings… and we’ve got no damn right to get impatient with you for not diving in headfirst, not when we pushed you into it in the first place.”

Dan thinks about that. “No, man, it’s… I mean, yeah, about the getting impatient stuff. I am trying, you know, but… it’s a lot. But getting my bearings or waiting…. I don’t know, I feel like… like I spent most of the last year waiting.” Dan hopes Jeff knows what he’s talking about, because he doesn’t really want to re-open that set of emotions. “And you know, it was stupid, I should have clued in… should have made myself accept that it wasn’t going to happen.” He makes himself say the words. “I should have known that Justin wasn’t going to get better, but you know, after that…
I
was a bit tired of waiting too.” He turns a bit, now seeking the eye contact that he’d thought he wanted to avoid. “It’s been good to have something to keep my mind busy, something to keep me from… wallowing. The horses are good, but… this has been good too.” He smiles a little ruefully. “A bit stressful, I guess, but….” He turns back around, nestles in a little, letting his face find the warmth of Jeff’s neck. “But there are good parts too.”

Jeff presses a gentle kiss to Dan’s temple. “I’m glad to hear it.” They sit like that for a while, long enough that Lou rouses herself from the bed where she’s been sleeping all night and wanders over to investigate and then insinuates herself between Dan’s legs and rests her chin on his thigh, happy to join in the cuddling. Dan thinks about Evan, wonders how he would fit in if he was there. Not just physically, although there would be some challenges in that, but more emotionally. Would his intensity destroy the mellow feeling, or could he find a way to turn it off, to be as focused on relaxing as he could be on everything else? Dan thinks about asking Jeff about it, but he decides not to. Everything’s perfect the way it is, and Dan doesn’t want to disturb anything, not by speaking or even shifting his weight. Right now, he has this, and it’s more than enough. He’ll worry about everything else when he has to.

Chapter 19

D
AN
isn’t sure how long they stay like that, wound around each other on the floor. He thinks maybe he dozes off a little, not far enough to drool or snore or anything, just into that world of half-sleep where dreams seem real and reality seems like a dream. But his relaxed mind takes him in a direction that keeps him from staying relaxed, and he finds the energy to turn his head a little; one of his eyes is blurred from being too close and can only see the tanned skin of Jeff’s neck, but the other one shows him Jeff’s eye, and it’s open, at least.