Kate Sherwood - Dark Horse 02 - Out of the Darkness (33 page)

Jeff nods toward a beat-up old couch in the corner of the room. “How ’bout over there?” He moves a few steps toward it. “Earlier tonight, in the living room… you were sitting on the floor, leaning back on the sofa, and it just… it just about took my breath away.” His smile is shy. “It was beautiful.”

Dan isn’t sure about this, but he walks over to the couch and sinks to the floor in front of it. “Leaning back… how?”

Jeff doesn’t tell him. Instead, he walks over and sits down on the floor not far away, looking at Dan with soft eyes. “Just relax a little. Just try to be yourself.”

Dan raises an eyebrow. “Myself? Sitting totally still in a strange room while somebody stares at me. Yeah, okay, that’ll be easy.” But horses are sensitive to their riders’ bodies, so he’s used to making himself relax physically even when his mind is racing. He wriggles a little, makes sure his muscles are loose, and then he remembers, and his hands move to the buttons that are still done up on his shirt. “You want this off.”

Jeff’s hand moves quickly, catching Dan’s fingers. “Only if it’s okay. You don’t have to.”

Dan shrugs a little, resting his elbows on the couch and letting his fingers dangle off the edge of it, almost resting against his own sides. “Nah, it’s all right. But I’ll leave it to you. You can take it off or leave it on, whatever catches your eye….” He knows it’s stupid to flirt, just going to lead to frustration when they can’t follow through, but it’s hard to be around Jeff and
not
think about the things their bodies could do for each other.

“That’s it, right there.” Jeff sounds almost smug. “That’s the pose, the look.” He shakes his head. “You look so innocent but so sensual….” He scrambles to his feet. “Just stay like that for a second, okay? We’ll worry about the shirt later.”

“Like this? Seriously?” Dan tries to look at himself without moving his head. “I’m just… sitting here.”

 

Jeff takes time out from whatever he’s doing over at his easel and grins. “Yeah, Dan—that’s it exactly.”

That’s a bit weird. And maybe kind of disturbing. “Wait, so… do you not like it? I mean, when I try harder? Do you….” Dan’s mind is racing. “Do you think it’s….” He can’t find the words. “Crude? Or… you know, stupid? Do I seem… like I’m….” Dan knows what he’s thinking of, thinking of little kids playing dress-up, trying to be something they’re not, but without the playful side that children have. “Desperate?” The next word that comes out of Dan’s mouth is going to be “pathetic,” but Jeff is already across the room and kneeling on the floor next to him.

“No, Dan. No.” He shakes his head. “I think you’re… you’re pretty damn near irresistible when you’re like that.” He smiles ruefully. “As a matter of fact, I think my inability to resist you has been demonstrated at least once. This is just… in terms of art, it’s the tension that makes things interesting, you know?” He smoothes the knuckles of one hand along Dan’s cheekbone and down his jawline. “And with you… you’re so many different people, and I’m telling you straight, there hasn’t been one yet that I haven’t liked, haven’t been attracted to… but I feel like this is the
real
you, you know? So this one is my favorite.”

Dan lets his body relax back against the edge of the sofa. “Well, that’s all right, then. Have you seen Dan-in-the-morning-without-coffee yet? ’Cause not even
I
can stand
that
son-of-a-bitch.”

Jeff grins over his shoulder as he heads back across the room. “I think I met him briefly at Evan’s guest house. I thought he was adorable.”

Dan shakes his head in disgust, and then sits quietly while Jeff does whatever he’s doing. Dan doesn’t see any paint yet; it seems like Jeff’s sketching with a pencil, it looks like. After maybe ten minutes, Jeff comes out from behind the easel. “So, the shirt—it’d be great if it was off, so I could get the lines of your shoulders and your neck, but… if you’re more comfortable with it on, that’s fine.”

Dan doesn’t even hesitate. His shirt is unbuttoned in seconds, then shrugged to the floor behind him while he reaches behind his head and pulls the back of his T-shirt up and off. He gives it a playful twirl in the air before tossing it toward Jeff, being careful that it doesn’t land on any of the tools surrounding Jeff’s work area. Jeff smiles indulgently as Dan gives his shoulders a little roll and then relaxes back against the couch. “Like this?”

Jeff looks from Dan to the easel, and then back again. “Your left elbow out another inch or two from your body… good. Yeah. You’re perfect.” He smiles to make it clear that the compliment refers to more than the pose, and then he gets back to work.

Dan is surprised that he’s kind of enjoying himself. Getting a little turned on, even. He doesn’t think of himself as vain, but it’s kind of nice to have Jeff’s undivided attention, focusing on him, admiring him. Dan catches that thought with a little laugh. Maybe he’s fooling himself with the
admiring
part.

Jeff has noticed his laughter. “You okay? Need a break?” Dan shakes his head and tries to compose himself. “No, sorry. I’m fine.”

Jeff steps away from the easel and then smiles. “Well, I think maybe
I’m
done, for now. I’ve got the basic idea.” He shoots Dan a look. “We can do this again sometime? Sometime soon? I think”—he looks back at the easel—“I think maybe it could be something good.”

“Yeah, whenever, man. Except, hopefully next time we can follow up with, you know… maybe some way to thank me for helping out….” Dan leans forward on his knees and grabs his T-shirt from its spot on the floor. It doesn’t seem right to putting his clothes back on without having had some sort of gratification, but apparently that’s the world Dan is living in.

Jeff takes advantage of Dan’s moment of blindness while the shirt is over his head, moving over to stand in front of Dan, close but not close enough. Dan leans forward a bit, and the kiss is good, but it’s not as much as Dan wants. He feels Jeff’s hand sliding up between them and pushes away before Jeff even exerts any pressure. “Yeah, I know, more talking required.”

“Believe me, Dan, it’s not easy for me, either.”

“Yeah, that’s what you say.” The words are harsh, but Dan’s tone is just resigned, and he hopes his half smile shows that he’s not angry. But he does need to get away from the temptation. “Okay, then, I guess I’d better head out.”

“Yeah? I can’t… I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to stay in my bed, but the guest room’s free….”

“Nah, my place isn’t far, and I’d have to stop there for a change of clothes anyway before going to the barn tomorrow.” Dan really doesn’t trust himself to respect Jeff’s decree, not in the same house as Jeff with only a thin wall between them.

And Jeff seems to understand that, not offering any objections to Dan’s departure. “Yeah, okay. I’ll give you a call tomorrow, okay? Check in, see how you’re doing—you should maybe give Evan a call too.”

Dan nods. Evan. Everything is so easy with just Jeff. Even when they have misunderstandings, things to work out, they manage it without all the drama, the stress that seems to come with every interaction with Evan. Dan likes Evan; he doesn’t want to edge him out, doesn’t think he could even if he
did
want to… but he can’t deny that things are easier without him. Jeff walks him to the door, and they kiss goodbye, and even with the rich underlay of lust and need, the kiss is sweet and gentle. Dan wants that, thinks maybe he
needs
it. And he’s not sure how long he can keep it; he isn’t sure whether Evan will let him.

Chapter 20

D
AN
is keyed up on the drive home, but it’s a pleasant sort of tension, a happy buzz of excitement and anticipation. He’s not sure exactly
what
he’s looking forward to, though; he’s going home to an empty apartment, he has no big plans to see anybody the next day, or, if he’s talking about
plan
plans, ever, really. But he still feels good, and after his efforts at analysis fail, he decides that he doesn’t really need to have a reason, and he just settles back and enjoys the drive.

He’s still in a good mood by the time he’s climbing into his bed, still unmade from the previous night. He reaches over to turn out the bedside lamp, and his eyes fall on the picture on the table, the photo of Justin and him at the beach that day. It strikes him that the pose they’re in isn’t that different from the way he’d been reclining with Jeff earlier that night, and he’s a little startled.

Justin is irreplaceable. Dan knows that, and he’s given it enough thought to know that he’s not being melodramatic or self-pitying, he’s just recognizing that Justin was important to Dan not just for himself but also for the role he’d played in Dan’s life, the way he’d pulled Dan away from his self-destructive patterns and helped him find stability and love. No one else can ever be that important to Dan because Dan will never let himself blow that far off course again; he’s sure there will be storms in his future, and it won’t all be smooth sailing, but Justin had taught him how to steer. Justin hadn’t been Dan’s compass; instead, he’d shown Dan how to navigate by the stars and by his own sense of direction. No one else will ever be that important for Dan, because no one else will ever need to be.

But for the first time, Dan’s starting to think about the difference between needing someone and loving someone. He thinks about Jeff, the way he can be so soft and solid at the same time, and it doesn’t seem wrong, doesn’t seem like an insult to Justin, to think about the word “love” in the same context. He thinks about Evan too. Dan doesn’t get the same instant flash of… whatever feeling it is… when he thinks about Evan. There’s lots of lust, but maybe not much more. But then he remembers Evan talking about his parents and working so hard to be a good guardian for Tat, and the way he throws his head back and laughs with his whole body, open and unashamed. Evan is strong, Dan realizes, strong enough to be himself without Dan’s shield of false indifference. And there’s a stir of the same elusive emotion now for Evan too. Dan rolls over and smiles a little at Justin’s photo. Dan will never have anyone like Justin again, but that doesn’t mean he’ll never have anyone to love.

He drifts off still thinking happy thoughts, and when he wakes up the next morning, his face feels funny, and he realizes that he’d been smiling in his sleep. He stumbles to the bathroom and then to the kitchen to put the coffee on. While he’s waiting for it to brew, he finds his phone and hits Chris’s number.

Chris grunts a response, and Dan thinks maybe he’s reversed the time zone difference again, but he mentally checks and confirms that it’s two hours later in Kentucky. Chris is just a lazy bastard. “You know, if you’re gonna work for Kaminski Enterprises, or whatever the hell they’re called, you’re gonna have to wake up before noon.”

“It’s eight a.m., you bastard, not noon. And I’m up. I’m just not on… what
are
you on, exactly? Coke? Speed? I hear meth’s all the rage these days.”

“High on life, baby.” Dan pulls the carafe out of the coffeemaker mid-brew, pours what there is into his mug, then replaces the carafe. Chris is waiting patiently. Or possibly has fallen back to sleep. Dan charges on regardless. “So, I think I’m gonna ask Evan out on a date.”

There’s a pause. “Evan? Evan Kaminski?” Chris’s voice is high, full of faux energy. “O-M-G! That is so exciting! He’s dreamy, with those dark eyes, and the curly hair… I bet he kisses like a dream—”

“Okay, thanks,” Dan says, cutting him off. “I’m being serious. I wanted to know what you thought about it.”

There’s another pause, and when Chris answers it’s in his normal voice. Unfortunately, his normal voice with Dan is somewhere between mock concern and smug taunting. “You do understand that even if I take the job out there, I’m not gonna be the guy’s social secretary, right? I mean, the details remain to be worked out, but I think I might be looking at something in the legal field….”

“Yeah, that’s what I was afraid was gonna happen. You get one job offer, and all of a sudden your perspective is all messed up, it’s all about you and Evan, you and Evan… how about dragging yourself away from his gravitational pull for a second and thinking about me? Is it a good idea for
me
to ask… some guy… out?”

“Some guy you’re already fucking? Some guy whose
boyfriend
you’re already fucking? ’Cause those little details are kinda important.”

Dan sighs. “Well, not so much with the fucking, apparently. Also, what happened to your threesome language rules? I thought Jeff wasn’t supposed to be referred to as just Evan’s boyfriend?”

“Dude, you wouldn’t let me write up the contract, so those rules don’t exist. I agree, I think it would be better if they did, but, hey, you got all snippy….” Dan can almost hear Chris’s mind snapping to attention. “And, what do you mean, no fucking? What’s going on there?”

Dan sighs again. “Long story. We’re working on our verbal communication… I think. Something like that.”

 

“Jeff is just full of good ideas, isn’t he?” Chris doesn’t bother to hide the laughter in his voice.

“Shut up, man, it was… okay, yeah, it was his suggestion, but it makes sense.” Dan decides that Chris needs a little more background on the “date” thing anyway, so he elaborates. “Evan and I are… kinda butting heads, maybe? He’s getting jealous, and you know, we’ve had a couple fights…. Jeff thinks maybe we should actually try to figure some stuff out instead of just skipping ahead to the make-up sex.”

Chris’s voice is a bit quieter. “Is it serious? I mean, you and Evan fighting? Or is it just… I mean, you can be a bit scrappy, dude… are you just playing with him?”

“No, it’s not… it’s not playing. He’s… I don’t know, the jealousy thing is a bit hard to take. If it’s just the two of us, or the three of us, things are great, but he wants to lock me up in a tower or something.”

“Well, you know
I’ve
always thought you were a pretty princess.” “Yeah, okay. But I thought the date thing might be good. You know, sort of….”

 

“Reinforce the pair bond?”

“Uh… maybe? I don’t know. Maybe it’s not a good idea. But Jeff and I spent some time alone last night, and it was great. So I thought… I don’t know, I thought maybe Evan and I should try the same thing. Or, you know, not exactly the same, but the same idea.”