Keep Calm and Kill Your Wife (2 page)

H
ART PULLED UP TO 106 N. Hudson Road and parked his ’11 Acura TSX in the cracked driveway in front of his house right next to Summer’s eight year old Hyundai Santa Fe. He looked at the older vehicle and frowned.
No dramatic flair whatsoever
, he thought.

He had been working extra hours of late but had nothing to show for it as his “overtime” was little more than a ruse directed at his wife in order to spend more time with Brandy. In short, his supposed new found work ethic was doing nothing to pay down his gambling debts. But no matter, he assured himself—he would soon be rolling in extra cash.

His wife, Summer, had also been keeping herself busy with extracurricular activities of some sort. Hart didn’t think it was an affair, and didn’t particularly care one way or the other.

As Hart strolled up the path to the front door, he, once again, completely missed the beautiful new stargazer lilies which Summer had recently planted adjacent to the walk.

“Honey, I’m home,” he called out, looking at the local paper he had just retrieved from the porch. No sooner had he shut the door behind him than he felt the paper being swatted from his hand with one fist as another came flying toward his face. He tilted his head, which was unnecessary, as the punch was clearly pulled. In the meantime, the newspaper and all its circulars scattered to the floor.

“Hi-YA!” she screamed.

Hart’s mind quickly groped for order and he held his thumb with a wincing look on his face, a scowl born of irritation and surprise rather than pain.

“Summer? What the hell’s going on?”

“Oh Sweetheart, I’m sorry,” Summer said. “Are you okay?”

Hart looked annoyed as he shook his thumb. “I’m fine, but what the hell are you doing?”

Summer bent down and picked up the paper. “Just what you told me to do. Trying to be more dramatic.”

“I said dramatic
flair
. And you can’t manufacture it. You either got it or you don’t.”

“You’re the one who told me to surprise you with unexpected attacks when I started taking karate. You said I would never be able to catch you off guard.”

“Well the only reason you caught me off guard is that I wasn’t ready for it,” Hart said.

Summer was half-amused and opened her mouth to reply. Only she didn’t talk fast enough.

“Besides, I don’t remember that conversation,” he continued. “It doesn’t sound like something I’d even say.”

“Well, I’m sorry Sweetheart. Are you okay?”

“I didn’t even know you were taking karate.”

Summer shrugged, not wanting to argue. “Well, I did tell you. It was right around the time you told me to surprise you with unexpected attacks.” A joking gleam filled her eyes.

Hart threw his hands up. Then he bit his bottom lip and forced himself to lower the volume. “So, how about if we take a little walk, Honey?”

Summer was a little tired but readily agreed as they rarely did things like that. “Just let me get my coat.” She walked toward the bedroom, just a few feet away from the foray. “So how was your day?”

“Fine,” said Hart, flipping through the newspaper.

“Aren’t you going to ask me about my karate class?” Summer asked, calling from the bedroom.

“I think I get the idea.”

The neighborhood was pleasant enough. Mid-century tract homes dotted the winding streets and most people kept them in reasonably good shape. It was a nice backdrop as they held hands strolling at a relatively slow pace.

“Did you notice the lilies I planted?” Summer asked.

“Beautiful,” he said looking down at her, smiling.

She smiled back. They continued walking in silence for a moment, the cool night air grazing their faces. Hart sneaked a peek at his watch and they began to suddenly speak at the same time.

“You first,” he said.

“Thanks. I just wanted to tell you I’ve been thinking about taking flying lessons.”

“Huh. Sounds expensive.”

“A little, but I’ll be honest, with you working so much overtime, I really need to keep busy and it’s something I’ve always wanted to do.”

“Huh. That’s kind of surprising considering you’re afraid of your own shadow.”

“That’s exactly why I want to do it.”

Hart nodded. “Okay, my turn.”

“Okay.”

“Well, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I really think you’re right. I think we should have a kid.”

Summer’s mouth opened and froze for a moment. “Really?”

“I’m not kidding. I’m really ready now.”

Tears glazed over Summer’s eyes. “Oh my God, I can’t believe this,” she said, leaping into his arms. And then she slowly peeled herself away, thinking it may be too good to be true. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

“I’m sure,” he said as they embraced again.

“This is so wonderful,” she said, and then began giggling through her tears. “And just think, now the Smith name will live on.”

“Hey you know what?” Hart said, in between slurpy bites of cereal.

Summer was sitting down, arranging her vitamins in a perfect row. “What?” she said.

“I just thought of something. You better hold off on those flying lessons.”

“Why? You can fly if you’re pregnant.”

“No, it’s not that. We need to get life insurance now that we’re going to be parents. And they’re going to ask about dangerous hobbies, so you’re just going to have to wait until we’re approved.”

“I’m not even pregnant yet.”

“Don’t worry Honey, we’ll work on that.”

“Oooh, I’m so excited,” she said, scuffling over to where Hart was sitting and embracing him from behind. “Hey listen, seriously, it can take awhile to get pregnant. Let’s hold off on insurance and save the premiums until we really need it.”

“Forget it. I don’t want to wait,” Hart said sharply and louder than he wanted to.

Summer let go. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing, nothing. I’m sorry. I just feel strongly about this.”

Summer went back and sat down.

“It’s just that it can take awhile to get approved, that’s all,” said Hart. He walked over behind her chair and put his hands on her shoulders. “I’m sorry. Hey look at this way, the faster you’re approved for insurance, the faster you can start taking flying lessons. I’ll even help you pay for them.”

“Okay,” she said softly, smiling as he kissed her cheek.

B
RANDY’S APARTMENT building was a couple of towns over from Summer and Hart’s house. The outside was cold and thoroughly lacking in charm, having been stuccoed over and outfitted with vinyl framed windows sitting in walls without sills or shutters. The one advantage was that it was courtyard style. No one shared walls, each unit being its own self-contained structure. It worked out well and had been their regular tryst spot since that first time a few months back.

Hart and Brandy lay naked together under the covers. Her head was propped up on his rising and falling chest, while her fingers traced circles in his ample tufts of hair lying just below her resting chin.

She let their rapid breathing die down before she spoke. “So tell me what’s happening. How are things going?”

Hart smiled. “Well, it was funny at work today when I was dropping off a load of gravel, over at Pacific, Joe told me a great story.”

“Not that,” she said. “I’m talking about with Summer.”

“Oh, oh. Things are going good. We were approved for life insurance, both of us, last week.”

“Were you able to get a million?”

“Piece of cake. Once we mentioned kids, no problem. Those premiums are little steep though. Maybe I should cancel mine soon.”

“Forget it,” Brandy said, bunching up her face. “You’re not going to be paying for very long. Besides, don’t draw any attention to yourself. That’s stupid.”

“Yeah, I guess. Let’s see, what else? Um, she’s not pregnant, so that’s good. I put a pill in her orange juice every morning like you said. One time she knocked over the glass after drinking only half of it. You know what a klutz she can be. Oh, and one time I forgot to slip her one. ”

“Well be careful.”

“Tell me about it. She said she was ovulating that day and she wanted to—ow!”

Brandy lifted her arm and frittered away three chest hairs she had just yanked out.

“Son of a bitch! What’d you do that for?”

“The same reason you were going to tell me about your wife—I’m thoughtless.”

“Yeah, I guess I can be a little thoughtless.” And with that, Hart wiggled back, curled up and catapulted Brandy out of bed with his feet.

Before she even hit the floor, she began hurling a series of obscenities toward him.

Hart laughed. “Hey don’t blame me. I’m thoughtless.”

Brandy wasn’t amused and came tearing at him with fists clenched. She jumped on top of him, arms flailing. Hart just laughed as he grabbed her wrists and flipped her over. On top of her now, they slapped and poked at each other until the absurdity of it all became almost conspicuous. By then they both were laughing so hard they could barely breathe.

“You jerk,” Brandy said, with a half-hearted swipe, calming down.

“You tart,” he said as he attacked her neck with his lips. It only took moments from there before they were in a full embrace, their bodies intertwined in inexorable desire.

The desk, despite the mounds of work, was ridiculously organized. Summer was pounding away on her computer keyboard with an almost imperceptible grin on her face. The only thing that occasionally interrupted her, besides her colleagues, was the slight fluttering of her fingers above the keys that would occur every half page or so. It was a little habit that she had developed when she had first learned to type back in junior high. “Just learn how to type, Summer,” her mother used to tell her, “and you’ll never be out of a job.”

“Summer, could I get the Dockweiler and Hassett files, please?”

Summer stopped typing. “No problem, Mr. Day. Do you want me to bring them to you?”

Robert Day had recently become a partner at the law firm of Grimley, Lockwood and Shapiro. He was 6’2”, had a full head of dark wavy hair, piercing blue eyes and a killer smile. But what really drew people to him was the fact that he didn’t act at all like he possessed the above credentials.

“Nah, I’ll save you the trip. It never takes you longer than ten seconds to find anything anyway. And Summer, please don’t call me Mr. Day. It makes me feel like I’m seventy.”

“Sorry. Old habits die hard.” It was half-true and half-not. Sometimes she just called him “Mister” to tease him.

Summer smiled and leapt into action. Like most of the women at the law firm, Summer harbored a secret crush on Bob. And in her case, it actually had some merit. Early on in her employment at Grimley, Bob had asked her out, which was something he rarely did at the office. Already in love with Hart and just weeks away from getting engaged, she had politely turned him down.

“Here you go, Bob, Dockweiler” said Summer, handing him the first file. “And Hassett.”

“What took you so long?” asked Bob, smiling.

Summer laughed and after a beat said, “Did you need anything else?”

Bob had to consciously break his gaze. “No, no, this is good. Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

Bob patted the files, turned and walked away. “You’re amazing, Summer.” Then he cringed to himself.
That sounded awkward.

Summer immediately hit the keyboard again as Joanna came swooping in.

“I swear Summer, you’re the only one in the office that can turn that man’s legs to jelly,” Joanna whispered with a huge grin.

Summer smiled uncomfortably and then scoffed, “You always say that.”

“Because it’s true. Come on, girl, let’s take a break. It’s 10:30.”

The courtyard of the office complex was large and it struck a pleasant balance between its hardscape and softscape. Giant boulders suggested a solid permanence, while ferns of different varieties infused the grounds with a lush sense of vitality. The paths were comfortably wide, yet small enough that they furnished a certain intimacy and structure. A large fountain in the middle, provided beauty and a perfect, tranquil soundtrack.

It was the ideal place to get away from things, and the one that Summer and Joanna usually picked when they had the chance to take their breaks together.

Joanna lit up a cigarette, careful to blow the smoke away from Summer, as the two women walked at a leisurely pace down the arcing path.

“So tell me what’s been going on. You look really happy lately.”

Summer smiled. “I really am, Joanna. Things are just going so great lately.”

“It shows. Hey, are you pregnant?” She moved her cigarette a little behind her.

“No not yet. It’s only been a few months. But I’m really not stressed about it. It’ll happen.”

“Absolutely,” said Joanna.

“No, it’s just everything. Hart and I have been getting along so well lately, ever since we decided to have kids.”

“Yeah, yeah, that can really change a man.”

“Yeah, I guess so. I think we were in kind of a rut for awhile but lately he’s been so sweet, like when we were first married. And I love the classes I’ve been taking. The flying lessons are incredible.”

“Have you actually been up in the air yet?”

“Yeah, it’s amazing. I honestly never thought I could do it. It scares the hell out of me, but it’s just incredible.”

“Wow, I don’t know if I could do that.”

“Nah, I don’t think you could either. No way.”

Joanna’s face contorted. “What do you mean?” she asked, blowing smoke from the corner of her mouth.

Summer laughed. “I’m just kidding. Of course you could. I’m scared to death of flying. If I can do it, anyone could.”

Joanna smiled and playfully nudged Summer with her shoulder.

“You know what’s funny Joanna? When someone says they can’t do something, it’s fine. But when someone
else
says they can’t, they get offended.”

“I know
I
did.”

They looked at each other and laughed.

“Hey Joanna, what do you want to be when you grow up?” Summer spied a translucent rock and picked it up.

“Rich. Why do you ask that?”

“I’m was just thinking, I love my job but I’m not sure I want to be a secretary my whole life, you know what I mean? I feel like a kid, like I can do anything. You know I might want to be a lawyer one day. Or a pilot.”

“You
sound
like a kid.”

“I mean, why not?”

“No reason. You’re young.”

“You know, I wish I could just take classes all day. When I was a kid I don’t think I really appreciated school. Now I’m loving my paralegal courses, karate, flying.”

“Wow, I don’t know where you get all your energy.
And
you’re going to be a mother?”

“I know, I should slow down,” Summer said. Then she tossed her little rock and hopscotched ahead.

The air-conditioning in his truck was on the fritz. Not a good day for it either. Ninety-five degrees and he was sitting in a parking lot, otherwise known as the 57 Freeway. Maybe he’d call Brandy. He dug into his pocket and grasped the phone. One bar left. It was far from the first time. For some reason he could never remember to juice up his phone. Summer had even given him a charger that could be plugged into the cigarette lighter, but he had somehow managed to lose it.

Sweating profusely, he glanced over at the car sitting next to him which just happened to be his all-time favorite, an Acura NSX. From his vantage point he could only see the passenger—a beautiful red-head with a curvy figure. Her hair was blowing gently, no doubt from the frigid air-conditioning jetting out from the vents. He quickly decided that it made no difference at all what the driver of the car looked like. With money, he could have that car and that girl no matter how ugly his mug might be.
Why does everyone have to have it better than me?

So what else could Hartence Smith III do but look at the red-head sitting in
that
car while he listened to the radio?

After
Hotel California
ended, a lottery commercial came on. Hart scoffed. “You have to make your own luck in this world. I’m not waiting for some stupid lottery,” he said out loud. That didn’t stop him from buying a few tickets a week, however.

He looked to his left. It was her. The red-head. She had seen him talking to himself. He clenched his lips in an embarrassed smile while almost imperceptibly nodding. Then he got the bright idea to pretend he was singing along with the radio. She quickly turned away, her expression unchanged. God, she was beautiful.

“She probably thinks I was talking to myself,” he said out loud, before deciding he better switch to thinking. He wiped the sweat off of his face and pulled his body forward, trying to get some air to his aching back. And then he just sat there for a moment before strangling the steering wheel, shaking his head back and forth and screaming, “I HATE THIS FUCKING JOB!” The red-head looked over at him again. That got her attention.