Keeping Sam (17 page)

‘He’s just tired,’ Elizabeth said, gathering up her things. ‘He’s a sensitive kid, Kate. I think he’s figured out there’s something going on.’ She shut down the tablet, invoking a cry of protest from Sam.

‘Watch telly!’ he demanded, thrashing his legs on top of the duvet. Elizabeth glanced around the room, then raised her eyes at Kate.

‘I haven’t got around to buying one yet,’ Kate said, feeling her face pink up. All of a sudden she felt completely inadequate – all this time she’d been sitting around feeling sorry for herself, day dreaming about how wonderful it would be to have Sam home with her, making clothes for him, making plans, but she hadn’t done one single practical thing like paint his room or buy a bloody TV.

‘Sure,’ Elizabeth said, shrugging. ‘It doesn’t matter, Kate. He needs love and attention, not to be stuck in front of a screen all day.’ She looked at the small screen in her hand and gave a rueful smile, followed by another small shrug of her shoulders. She said, ‘I’ll be back in the morning to give Sam a ride back to his nana’s, okay?’

‘Not too early,’ Kate called after her. ‘Leave it till lunchtime if you like.’

She shut the door and turned around, her heart beating a fast dance in her chest. Sam was here. Whatever else had happened today, whatever was going on in the rest of the world right now, this was all that mattered.

‘Have you eaten?’ she asked him. He stared back at her, his expression wary. ‘Are you hungry?’ she said, trying again. ‘I have some yummy crisps here, or you could have a cookie if you prefer?’

Thank goodness for her penchant for junk food. Sam nodded and pointed to the packet of cookies, then he nodded again when Kate offered him a glass of milk. She sat at the end of the bed and watched him eat. He kept his eyes averted, throwing quick glances her way every few minutes. What must he be thinking, she wondered? She wished she’d asked Elizabeth a few more questions about where Sam had been, about what the social worker had told him on the way over here.

Sam finished his snack, then swung his legs off the bed and stood, swaying a little, in the middle of the floor. ‘Where’s Nana?’ he asked, gazing up at Kate. She crouched down so her face was level with his, longing to hold him, but holding back just a little longer, some instinct telling her not to crowd him, not to make him feel overwhelmed.

‘Nana’s at the hospital, Sam. With Pops. You’ll see her tomorrow, okay? Tonight you’re having a sleepover with me.’

He considered this for a while, then nodded. But his eyes kept roaming the room. And then Kate noticed that he had one hand pressed against the front of his pyjama bottoms.

‘Do you need the bathroom?’ she said.

Sam nodded.

‘Oh, Sam,’ Kate said, smiling. ‘I’m so sorry. Come on, let’s get you sorted out.’

She led him into the tiny en suite, but once inside she hesitated.

‘Sam, I don’t know if you ... Do you use a potty yet, or ...?’ Her face burned with the shame of it. She was his mother. She didn’t even know this basic fact about her own son.

‘I got big boy pants,’ he told her proudly, dropping his trousers to show her. He was wearing a pull-up nappy, and Kate was relieved to find a stack of spares in his overnight bag, along with a change of clothes, another teddy, a story book and a toothbrush. Elizabeth had thought of everything. She made him laugh while she changed him and brushed his teeth, pulling faces in the mirror and telling him how she’d hated having her teeth brushed too when she was a child.

‘When you were a little boy?’ Sam said, and Kate just grinned and kissed the top of his head.

Back in her bedroom, she surveyed the space, trying to work out how best to set up the sleeping arrangements. She was dragging the duvet off the bed when she heard a tentative knock at the door.

‘Sorry to bother you,’ Marie said, peering around the door, her eyes as wide as saucers. ‘Just that we have a couple of things we thought you might need.’

‘We?’ Kate frowned, but Marie only tapped the side of her nose and then disappeared again. Kate could hear whispering outside on the landing. She sat on the bed with Sam pressed to her side, his eyes like moons in his bewildered face. And then Patrick walked in, throwing Sam a wide smile and carrying … a cot! A beautiful white-painted cot with high sides and a snug-looking mattress.

‘Oh, my!’ Kate exclaimed. ‘It’s perfect.’

‘That’s not all,’ Patrick said. He disappeared again, then came back into the room almost completely hidden behind an enormous box. Kate jumped up from the bed with a delighted cry.

‘Sam, it’s a TV!’

‘He went out to the retail park as soon as Elizabeth arrived,’ Marie said, coming in behind Patrick with a pile of fresh bedding in her arms. ‘There’s a DVD player there too, and some films for Sam to watch. I’ve had the mattress for the cot airing on the radiator downstairs for a bit – it might smell musty after being in the attic for a while but it’s absolutely fine, really, and I’ve got some sheets here, but if he’d rather have a sleeping bag, or if that’s too big then I can –’

‘Marie.’ Kate laid a hand on her arm. ‘It’s perfect. I honestly don’t know how to thank you. And I’ll pay you for the TV,’ she said to Patrick.

‘In buttons, probably,’ he said with a wink. He set the TV up on one of Kate’s spare chairs, then plugged in the DVD player, fiddling with the wires at the back until the screen came on in a burst of colour.

‘Come on, now,’ Marie told him, tugging at his sleeve. ‘Let’s leave them to it.’

‘Thank you,’ Kate said again, joy and gratitude swelling in her throat. Sam waved with one chubby hand, bouncing on the bed in excitement.

‘Telly,’ he said, his eyes gleaming.

Kate closed the door and turned to smile at her son. She looked at her watch, then pursed her lips. ‘Well,’ she said, ‘okay. But only for a little while. And then it’ll be time for you to go to bed.’

***

Sam fell asleep leaning against her halfway through a Winnie the Pooh movie; she carried him carefully to his cot and laid him inside it, covering him with a blanket and laying his beloved teddy by his side. And then she watched him. She sat on the floor and gazed through the bars, her eyes growing blurry with tears. Was there anything so heartrendingly vulnerable as a sleeping child? It was this, Kate realised, that she was missing out on. These moments of everyday joy that parents take for granted: the sight of your child asleep in the back of the car, their heads lolling, their faces perfect in repose; the sounds of laughter as they race around the house with friends, lost in an imaginary world you will never be part of, wouldn’t want to be part of, but can smile and marvel at none the less. Running to you with a cut knee; asking for help opening a packet of crisps; a random hug offered in love, asking nothing in return.

If Kate didn’t get Sam back she would miss out on all of this, no matter how many times she was allowed to visit him. And yet, if she was successful, her mother would be the one to miss out. For the first time, Kate truly understood what that meant.

She watched Sam sleep, and occasionally her own head drooped as sleep crept up on her stealthily. It couldn’t keep her under its spell for long – she was determined not to miss a second of having her son at home, under her own roof. Sitting on the floor in the room that was to be his room, Kate made plans. Her determination grew. And she knew that no matter what, she would have him back.

If she couldn’t have Sam, she would rather die.

Chapter 20

Elizabeth arrived at nine o’clock. Kate heard her talking to Marie, who was no doubt stalling her as best she could, trying to buy Kate a little more time.

‘Sam,’ she said, crouching by his side as he ate his toast and watched children’s TV, his eyes clear and bright after a good night’s sleep. ‘Sam, in a minute or two you’ll be going back to Nana’s house.’

He glanced at her, mid-bite. ‘Stay here?’ he said. ‘Stay with Mummy?’

She smiled and blinked back sudden tears. ‘I wish you could, sweetheart. But you’ll come back soon, right? Come and stay again?’

He nodded, then rammed the rest of the toast into his mouth. Come back soon and stay forever, Kate didn’t add. But she thought it, and she hoped her thoughts would transmit themselves to Sam somehow.

‘Are we all ready?’ Elizabeth stuck her head round the door and raised her eyebrows at Kate. ‘Did you have a good night?’

Kate only nodded. She couldn’t imagine how words could explain the night she’d had, or how Elizabeth could even ask such a question.

‘Give her my .... my best wishes,’ Kate told Elizabeth once Sam was strapped into the car. ‘Tell her I’m here whenever she’s ready to talk.’

Elizabeth nodded once, then started up the engine and drove away.

Marie appeared by Kate’s side. Together they watched the car until it disappeared at the bottom of Bow Hill. ‘How are you bearing up?’ she said.

‘I’m fine,’ Kate told her. ‘Considering.’

‘All set for tomorrow? Painting Sam’s room, remember?’ Marie reminded her gently. ‘If you still feel up to it, that is. I know it’s probably the last thing you feel like now.’

Kate shook her head. ‘No, it’ll be good to be doing something. Something practical. And it’s so lovely of you to offer to help. And Patrick too. I don’t deserve to have friends like you, really I don’t.’

‘Sure you do. You’d do the same, if you were in our position.’

Kate turned to go back inside the house, but then a thought struck her. ‘Marie, is Patrick home?’

‘I think so, why?’

‘I need to ... I’ll see you later. Bye.’

She left her friend open-mouthed on the doorstep and took the stairs two at a time. Once on the top floor, however, her resolve nearly left her. But she raised her hand and knocked sharply.

‘Kate, is everything okay?’

‘I was going to go for a walk and I wondered –’

‘Did Sam like the TV?’

They both spoke at the same time, overlapping, then laughing nervously.

‘You go first,’ Patrick told her.

Kate swallowed. ‘I was just saying that I’m going for a walk and I wondered whether you’d like to come.’

‘Oh. Right.’

‘If you’re busy, it’s no problem. Another time, maybe.’

‘Kate. I’d love to. I’ll get my coat.’

‘Okay, then.’ She smiled at his retreating back. It did feel better to be doing something. Much, much better.

Patrick returned, shrugging on a checked jacket. ‘Off we go then.’

‘Hang on a minute. Not so fast. You didn’t tell me what it was you were going to say. Just then,’ she prompted. ‘When I talked over you.’

‘Oh, right.’ He looked awkward for a moment, and her heart tugged. There was something about this man. Something about the way his hair curled around the tops of his ears, the way he tipped his head down when he was nervous, and then peered out at her from under his furrowed brow. Something she just couldn’t shake. ‘I just wondered how it went with Sam.’

‘I’ll pay you for the TV,’ she said quickly, turning at the top of the stairs to face him.

‘Kate.’ He took her hand and held it to his chest. ‘Please don’t worry about it. Tell me about Sam.’

She smiled to herself and let out a long sigh. ‘Come on, then. Let’s walk and talk. You won’t believe how cute he is when he sleeps.’

***

Marie was waiting for them back at Bow Hill, and Kate’s heart lurched at the sight of her hovering in the hallway, her thoughts turning immediately to Sam. But Marie had no news, was only excited to see them together, as she wasted no time in telling Kate once Patrick had headed out to work.

‘He keeps odd hours,’ Kate observed.

‘He’s his own boss out there in the woods,’ Marie said, sighing with envy.

Marie had a new commission for Kate – another of her friends, a diminutive lady called Janice, wanted a tuxedo-style jacket for the Christmas season. Kate was pleased, if a little bemused.

‘Christmas already? Isn’t it a little early for that?’

‘Kate!’ Marie’s hand flew up to her chest in alarm. ‘I’m shocked at you. It is
never
too early to start thinking about Christmas.’

While Kate worked, Marie asked about Sam and the court case.

‘What will happen now? I mean, does it make a difference to the guardianship thingy? With your dad ... Look, I’m being insensitive. Sorry.’

‘No, it’s okay. I’ve been thinking about that too. I don’t want it to seem like I’m being heartless either,’ Kate confessed, glancing up from her sewing with anxious eyes, ‘but I am genuinely worried about my mother. We might have our differences –’

‘And then some!’ Marie put in.

‘Quite. But she’s not getting any younger. And Sam is hard work – all toddlers are.’

‘She must be overwrought,’ Marie agreed. ‘If she weren’t so hell bent on ruining your life I might feel sorry for her.’

Kate smiled, grateful for the gesture of loyalty. ‘I don’t know, Marie. I can’t see a good ending to any of this. At first I was so upset, I thought that when I got Sam back I might never let her see him again. But I don’t think I could do that to her, not now.’

‘Despite all that she’s done?’

‘Because of all that she’s done!’ Kate sighed, registering the confusion on Marie’s face. ‘How can I hate someone who loves Sam so much she’d sacrifice everything to keep him? What kind of a hypocrite would that make me? I mean, if anyone can understand how she feels it’s me. She deserves a bit of compassion.’

Bending over the sewing machine, Kate tried to hide the prickling of tears in her eyes. She felt the loss of her father like a corkscrew in her soul. She would never have the chance to hear him say sorry; never have the opportunity to heal the wounds that had festered for so many years.

‘Well, she’s lucky to have a daughter like you,’ Marie said with a grimace. ‘It’s not long now, is it?’

‘A week tomorrow,’ Kate said, shaking her head. She glanced at the calendar on the wall, the red crosses marking her progress every step of the way. ‘It still feels like a lifetime.’

‘But it isn’t. Three more visits with Sam, and then he’ll be with you for good. And tomorrow we’ll get his room painted, get those curtains up, make it all perfect for him.’