Kev (11 page)

“He did.”

“I think I know how to stop him now.”

“How is that?”

“He has a little brown cube with a yellow
button. I think he used that to pnuke everyone.”

“So, what are you going to do?”

In that moment, I remembered the blue cube
and how I had used it in my green tea experience to go to the
workshop that had the parts for the black cube. “The blue cube,” I
said.

“See, you’re already starting to figure
things out.”

“So, you know?”

“Of course, I know. Are you going to do it
right now?”

“In a bit.”

“Do you want to make love?”

“Absolutely.”

“I’m much better than a Nidian hooker, you
know.”

“Yeah, I know.”

The girl disappeared after we made love, so I
went back to the bar and ordered a green tea.

“By the way,” I said to the bartender,
Trikna. “I haven’t paid you for a single drink.”

“You’ve been drinking green tea, so the
drinks are free.”

“Why?”

“Sponsored drink. You should know, Kev.”

“I take it you aren’t going to explain that
any further.”

“Rules are rules, my friend.”

My green tea experience was
The Valenese
Bull Riding Experience,
a horrifying ride on an eighty-foot
tall monstrosity that would like nothing better than to throw you
off its back and onto the barbed spikes that lurked below. Of
course, I fell off. Following that I witnessed the birth of one of
my Nidian children, something I prayed I would soon forget.

“Hello, Turd Fondler,” said B24ME. “I trust
your visit to Gamma War has been entertaining.”

“Uh huh. So, what’s the next challenge, you
psychopath?”

“Now, now, no need for insults.”

I noticed that Trikna and all of the patrons
of the bar had disappeared and wondered where they had gone.

“Where is everyone?” I said to myself.

“I can answer that question, Turd Fondler,”
said B24ME. “Gamma War is about to be sucked into the black hole
that lurks nearby. Do you want to know what your next challenge
is?”

“What?” I cried, certain that B24ME had
something terrible in store for me, something along the lines of
getting me sucked into a black hole.

“Escape Gamma War before you are consumed by
the black hole.”

“Seriously?”

B24ME didn’t answer.

I pulled out the blue cube and said, “Cube,
take me home.” Nothing happened.

“B24ME, the blue cube isn’t working.” I
received no answer.

I sighed, climbed over the bar and prepared
myself a green tea and a giant screwdriver in an oversized pitcher.
If I was going to die, I could at least be drunk and in the middle
of a green tea experience when it happened.

I remember drinking quite a bit and getting
terribly drunk. I remember the sky growing dark, the ground shaking
and then taking a sip of green tea. I remember hearing children
laughing and playing and then hearing a voice say, “Welcome to
The Nidian Hooker Experience.
” What followed, an alarming
encounter with Ruby, left me dazed. Following that, I found myself
sitting in a conference room, all white with white furniture. In
one corner, floating in the air, I saw a black cube, about a foot
on a side. In another corner, I saw a floating yellow sphere.
Across from me, I saw Clive when he was a kid, a wide grin on his
face.

I heard B24ME’s voice coming from the
floating black cube. “So, it is settled then. I take it you want me
to begin immediately.”

“Kev definitely wants that, B24ME,” laughed
Clive.

“Great,” said B24ME. “Tell you what, Kev. I
will give you a five second head start. Five, four, three, two,
one…”

I woke in a red room, on a red bed, naked and
covered with lipstick kisses. To my right I saw Ruby. In the
doorway to the room I saw three children, three boys who all looked
like I had when I was a child. The youngest had to be at least
three years old. I knew I had three children with Ruby, but didn’t
think it possible that the youngest of them could be that old.

“Did we?” I said.

“No, I thought I’d give you a break. Anyway,
I want our next time to be special.”

I looked at the boys. “Are they mine?” I said
to Ruby.

The boys shouted, “Daddy,” and jumped up on
the bed, tickling me, laughing and screaming.

When things calmed down a bit, Ruby
introduced me to my sons, Kev the first, Kev the second and Kev the
third, confusing, but maybe not so. The oldest was nine years old.
The second was six, and the youngest was three.

“But, I thought you just had Kev the third,”
I said.

“Kev, you were circling a black hole,” said
Ruby. “Time was passing more slowly for you relative to me.”

I should have known that, of course, but in
my befuddled state, I hadn’t thought of it.

“Daddy, will you play hide and seek with us?”
said Kev the third.

“Or Mister Spider?” said Kev the second.

“What’s Mister Spider?” I said.

“Tickle torture,” said Kev the first,
smiling.

I chased the boys around Ruby’s house for
hours, hell bent on being the best father possible. I forgave Ruby
for taking advantage of me, but requested that she not do it again.
She reluctantly agreed, although I believed she would do the same
thing again, if given a chance.

We had dinner together and Ruby explained
what she could, or rather what she was allowed to explain.
Apparently, Ruby was in on whatever game I was playing.

I had last seen Kev the first and Kev the
second four years ago, according to Ruby, although that made no
sense to me at all. Four years prior to this, I had been in
Vermont, had I not? I remembered the girl telling me I had been
traveling in time, and remembered her telling me I was quite old. I
remembered the present year, or at least what I thought it was. I
tried to wrap my mind around things, but found myself too befuddled
to make sense of anything.

I looked at the boys and Ruby, feeling
terrible for not remembering them, offering an apology. Ruby and
the boys took no offense. They knew I had serious memory problems,
and anyway, were just happy to see me.

After dinner, B24ME spoke up, “Having a nice
time with your family, Turd Fondler?”

“Not now, B24ME.”

“Look, Kev, we have a slight problem.”

“What’s that?”

“Do you remember the Proth Sphere?” said
B24ME.

“Yeah, what of it?”

“It was real.”

“What?”

“Because of you, the universe is being sucked
into a giant nozzle, Kev. You have to stop it.”

“Wait a second. Is this another stupid
challenge?”

“Absolutely not, you twisted bastard. Your
nightmares have come true for the entire universe, and that one in
particular is going to be the end of us all.”

“Well, how am I supposed to stop it?” I
said.

“I don’t know, but if you don’t we will all
cease to exist in about thirty-seven hours, your time.” What was my
time? I had heard that before. Wasn’t time the same for
everyone?

“Wonderful.” I thought of the black cube
again, and wondered if I built it and went back in time and
replayed the is it real game would I be able to stop this from
happening if I guessed the Proth Sphere was real?

“B24ME, you have to help me,” I said.

B24ME didn’t answer.

I looked at Ruby and said, “Something
terrible is about to happen.”

“What’s that?”

“The universe is going to end,” I said.

“Oh, that’s nice. I take it you are going to
save the universe.”

“You don’t seem that upset,” I said.

“I’m not worried, Kev. You’ll figure it
out.”

I said my goodbyes to the boys and Ruby, and
then pulled out the blue cube and said, “Cube, take me to a
workshop that has all of the parts necessary to build the black
cube,” praying that it would work.

Sure enough, I appeared in a small workshop,
standing in front of a workbench. On the workbench, I saw a small
black cube with a circular hole on one side and next to that a
cylindrical insert that fit into the hole. I put the pieces
together and stopped. The cylindrical insert had a blue button. On
the cube above the button was a small display that read, 2020. I
assumed that was the present year, at least on Earth, for reasons
that totally escaped me. What was I supposed to do next? I looked
around and found a piece of paper on the edge of the workbench,
instructions of some sort.

Press once and hold to go back

Press twice and hold to go forward

Press three times to go to Peoria

Press four times and you will feel a little
dizzy

Do not press the button five times

Press six times if you’ve pressed the button
five times

Good luck if you press the button more than
six times

Press it seven times. I dare you.

“Cube, take me to the warehouse where I
played the ‘Is it real or is it fake’ game,” I said, appearing in a
large warehouse. In front of me, I saw a table with an assortment
of weapons and a glass filled with greenish fluid. The warehouse
was otherwise empty.

I picked up the glass, wondering if a green
tea experience might reveal something, but then put it back down,
figuring I would get some awful experience.

I looked around the warehouse. When had I
last been here? It was before Gamma War. How long had I been on
Gamma War relative to this place? It had to be over three years. In
fact, I thought it had to be in two thousand, sixteen.

I pressed the button on the black cube once
and held it, watching as the number on the display went down. When
it reached 2016, I let go. Nothing had changed, and of course it
hadn’t. I had to go back down to 2015 and wait to reach the day
that I had done the challenge, but I thought that might be months
in the future. I pressed the button and held it until the number
went down by one. I now stood in an empty warehouse, realizing I
would have to wait for an unknown amount of time for B24ME or
whomever to come and start the challenge again. Was I really going
to stand here in this warehouse for who knew how long with nothing
to do?

I figured I’d go home and come back and check
the warehouse every day. Of course, I had no idea on what date I
had done that challenge, so it was really a guessing game.

“Cube, take me home,” I said, appearing in my
family room, figuring I’d wait it out in Vermont.

“Oh, there you are, you moron. Do you know
what you’ve done?” said Aputi, coming out from the kitchen to the
family room.

“What’s that?” I said, more than a little
surprised to see him.

“Thanks to you, the universe is going to
end.”

“Yeah, but not for five years,” I said.

“Wrong.”

“What?”

“The universe is going to end in less than
thirty-seven hours, your time.”

“But B24ME told me that when I was in 2020,
and we are in 2015, so I have five years. Anyway, how do you know
anything about it, you murderer?”

“What? You don’t think I watch The Show? I
know what you did, you imbecile. You have to fix this immediately
or we are all going to die.”

“Well, I am going to fix it. I’m going to go
back to the warehouse when the challenge began and guess right this
time, so none of this will have ever happened. Then, I’m going to
stop you from killing every living human on the planet.”

“Good luck with that, you idiot. Anyway, you
can’t change anything by redoing the challenge. That time bubble
has long since popped. Further, that happened months from now and,
as I just said, the universe is going to end in thirty-seven hours.
You’re going to have to find another way.”

“Time bubble?” I said. I’ll explain. I
existed only at one point in time at any given time and, therefore,
cannot go back and change my past, so whatever transpired between
the sphere and me was completely irreversible. More on this later,
perhaps, given that this explanation really lacks clarity, although
it is a nice enough hint, don’t you think?

“My God, you are the most stupid person I’ve
ever met. I swear if I didn’t know any better I’d say you have a
class one mind.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Of course you don’t. Now fix this mess
immediately.”

“Aputi, I just want you to know, you are
never going to get the yellow cube, no matter what happens. I don’t
know why you want it, but I know it isn’t for anything good.”

“We’ll see.” Aputi disappeared.

Thirty-six hours later, with no clue how I
could save the universe, I screamed, “I wish the Proth Sphere never
existed,” and found myself floating in empty space, in an infinite,
blue sky.

“Hey, Kev,” said a child’s voice. I looked
around, but saw nothing.

“Who is this?”

“It’s me, Bri. Don’t you remember?”

“No. Who are you?”

“Time lag, huh? I’m the co-creator of the
universe. Well, sometimes I am. Occasionally, you do it yourself,
but you haven’t done that in quite a while.”

“Are you God?” I said.

“I don’t know. Am I?” said Bri.

“Where are we?”

“We’re here, dummy. Isn’t it beautiful?”

“There is nothing here.”

“I know. There is nothing left because of
you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you wished the Proth Sphere never
existed. In doing so, you made it so that the universe, in fact all
of the infinite universes, never existed. Fun, right?”

“I don’t understand.”

“I know you don’t. The only thing I can tell
you is that the Proth Sphere is also a co-creator of the universe.
Together, we create most of the infinite universes. However, now
the sphere never existed, so now none of the infinite universes
ever existed.”

“Well, if they never existed, how is it that
you and I are talking about them?”