Kev (7 page)

Looking around my family room, I realized I
needed to clean things up. I needed someone to come in and get rid
of everything, clean the walls, replace the carpet and do something
about the horrible stench.

I made some calls and got everything lined
up, and then checked my messages on the communication device. There
were thousands of messages, far too many to read. I did my best to
scan through them.

One read, “Loved
Cat’s Cradle.
Can you
send more books by Vonnegut?” I dug up a couple of Vonnegut’s books
and sent them over.

Another read, “Are you sure you’re not
lonely? Don’t you think a little intercopulation would cheer you
up? Ruby.” I ignored that, not knowing what intercopulation was,
and not really liking the sound of it.

A third read, “I hear you’re looking for me.
Maybe we should hook up. the girl.” I stopped there. I wasn’t
looking for anyone, or was I? Had I forgotten something important?
I isolated the source of that message to a star some thirty-seven
billion light-years away. I was pretty certain I didn’t know anyone
who lived thirty-seven billion light-years away, but suspected I
might. I wrote back, “Who are you and why am I looking for you?”
She wrote, “Don’t answer the door.” I heard a knock on the door,
but ignored it. “Are you messing with me?” I wrote. “Maybe, but I
was serious about not answering the door.” “Who are you?” I wrote.
“I’m the girl, dummy.” Again, I felt memories stirring, but
couldn’t attach to any of them. “Where are you?” I wrote. “I’m on
Uthio Minor. Does that ring any bells?” It did, but I didn’t know
why. “Go have a green tea,” she wrote. “Do you have a little,
yellow cube?” was my response, wondering why I asked that. “Indeed
I do. Now, go to the bar and have a green tea. If I can break free
I’ll meet you there.” “Are you really thirty-seven billion
light-years away?” “Yes. Now go.”

My mind reeling, and forgetting the girl had
instructed me to go to the bar, I went to the fridge to see if I
had any green tea. Finding none, I went to the market. They were
out. I didn’t feel like driving ten miles to the supermarket right
then, so I went to the bar to have a beer, having completely
forgotten being instructed to have a green tea.

“Hey, Kev,” said Max, the bartender, an
enormous, barrel-chested man with a gray beard and mustache.

“Hey, Max.”

“What are you having?”

“I don’t know. A beer, I guess.”

“You look like you could use a green tea,”
said Max. “What’s on your mind?”

I didn’t know what was on my mind other than
some girl and a little, yellow cube. “I’m not sure.”

“Tell you what. I’ll fix you a green tea.
Maybe that will help you.”

I looked around the bar, seeing the usual
crowd of regulars, most of whom I barely remembered. One of them--I
was pretty sure his name was Barry--walked up to me and said, “Did
you hear the news?”

“What news?” I said.

“The Canadians killed another three hundred
thousand people,” said Barry.

“What do you mean?” I said.

“You’ve forgotten, haven’t you, Kev? Do you
remember me?”

“Yeah, you’re Barry, right?”

“Do you remember when the Canadians killed
Clive?”

“The Canadians killed Clive?” I said, not
remembering the Canadians’ involvement in Clive’s death.

“Oh, brother. Look, the Canadians killed
Clive and then days later they killed another two hundred thousand,
nine hundred, ninety-nine people. Now, they’ve killed another three
hundred thousand. We’re about to go to war.”

I hadn’t been paying any attention to the
news, so this was all new to me. “Why did they do that?” I
said.

“Who knows? There all a bunch of nihilists,
every last one of them.”

“Here’s your tea, Kev,” said Max. “Drink up.
Maybe you’ll get your memories back.”

“You travel in time too much, Kev,” said
Barry.

“What do you mean?” I said.

“You know, you really shouldn’t do that, Kev.
You’ll get time lag,” said Barry.

“What?” I said, forgetting pretty much
everything that had just happened, including the part about the
Canadians pnuking another three hundred thousand people.”

“Nothing, Kev. You’ll figure it out. Anyway,
it’s against the rules to tell you.”

“What rules?” I said.

“I’ve already said too much,” said Barry,
walking away.

I took a sip of the green tea and heard
children laughing and playing. I looked around the bar, seeing no
signs of children. Max noticed this and said, “Don’t worry, Kev. It
always starts off that way.”

“What starts off that way?” I said.

Max laughed.

“Welcome to
The You Have Some Work to Do
Experience,
Kev,” said a woman’s voice.

“Hello?” I said, realizing the voice was
inside my head.

“Now, pay attention, Kev. We have some things
to go over,” she said.

I listened carefully as the woman explained
at least part of the current situation. Of course, she didn’t clue
me in on most things, but gave me enough information to know that
there was a mad Bladrithian named Aputi trying to wipe out
humankind. She also told me I needed to find the girl, but not so I
could get the yellow cube. Instead, I had to make sure Aputi never
got the yellow cube, regardless of whether or not the universe
would end.

The woman finished and I found myself sitting
next to Clive on the couch in our family room. He had a bowl of
cereal in his hand and was laughing.

“We’ll see if he figures it out,” laughed
Clive. “I wonder where he left the black cube? I bet he lost it
years ago. Probably has totally forgotten about it.” Clive
chuckled.

“What are you talking about?” I said, looking
at him.

Clive ignored me and continued, “And what
happened to the red cube and the clear cube? Too funny. Ah, well,
it is clearly a patience game now.”

Clive exploded, and then I found myself
sitting back at the bar, my head spinning. I looked at my glass and
then at Max, wondering if there was some sort of hallucinogen in my
drink. Max looked at me and winked.

I remembered the girl, and vaguely remembered
she had said she might come to see me at the bar. I looked around,
but only saw a bunch of guys hanging around. Maybe she said she
would meet me at my house.

“Hey, Max,” I called out. “What do I owe
you?”

“Nada,” said Max. “Sponsored drink.”

“Oh, okay,” I said, not really processing
what Max had said. I dropped a five on the bar and returned to my
house. I waited for the girl to show up, but she never did.

The next day, two guys from a neighboring
town came over to take away all of the furniture from the family
room. I let them in and they started hauling the stuff out.

The whole house reeked, given that I had not
yet made any attempt to clean up the blood and remaining human
matter on the walls, windows, ceiling and floor. I made a note to
myself to have someone come in and clean the place up, having
forgotten that I had already done just that and that the cleaners
would be there later that day to clean up the mess.

I noticed the blue cube, which I had
forgotten, sitting on the coffee table and picked it up, wondering
what it was, not remembering the pale blue alien that had delivered
it.

“Why hello, Kev,” said a voice inside my
head. “We didn’t think you’d come on The Show. Thought we were
going to have to pay you a visit and convince you to be a
guest.”

“Uh, who is this?” I said.

“You talking to me?” said one of the guys who
was now taking out a chair.

“Um, no,” I said.

“I’m your host, B24ME,” said the voice. “You
remember me, don’t you?”

“No.”

“You don’t need to talk out loud, Kev. People
will think you are crazy.”

“Am I crazy?” I thought.

“That remains to be seen. So, are you ready
for your next challenge?”

“Next challenge?” This reminded me of
something from my past, a game I used to play with Clive.

“Oh, come on Kev,” laughed B24ME. “How could
you forget The Show? How could you forget me?”

I wondered if I was dreaming. “I don’t know.
What is The Show?”

“You should know, Kev. By the way, do you
mind if we give you another name for the duration of The Show?”

“Like what?”

“Turd Fondler has a nice ring to it, don’t
you think?”

“No, it does not. Just call me Kev.”

“But, that is a stupid name, Turd
Fondler.”

“Just call me Kev,” I said.

“Too late, I’m afraid. I’ve already changed
my data banks, Turd Fondler.”

“What the hell is this?”

“The Show. Now, are you ready for your next
challenge?”

I decided that I was dreaming and that the
only way to get through the dream would be to play along. “Sure.
What’s the challenge?”

“You have to save the Nexonians from their
evil dictator. Are you ready?”

“What?”

“You heard me. Are you ready?”

“Who the hell are the Nexonians?”

“They’re on Neta Nexus Nine, about a million
light-years from you.”

“How do I get there?”

“Well, you could just go there in your usual
way, or you could ask the blue cube to take you there.”

One of the guys tapped me on the shoulder and
said, “You okay, buddy? You’re just staring off into space.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said, but I was anything
but fine.

“We’re done,” said the guy.

I reached into my pocket, pulled out a check
and handed it to him.

“You sure you’re okay?” he said.

“Yeah,” I said. “I just forgot
something.”

“By the way,” said the guy. “What happened in
here?”

“My friend exploded,” I said, remembering
what Barry had told me.

“Oh. He was one of them. I’m sorry for your
loss, pal.”

“Thanks.”

The guy left and B24ME said, “Turd
Fondler?”

“What?” I cried out, annoyed and feeling set
upon.

“Folks, I can tell our friend, Turd Fondler,
needs a little push,” said B24ME.

I heard the sounds of what I assumed were
people or maybe aliens, part of some studio audience, some
cheering, and some booing.

The Show

I appeared in a bustling city, surrounded by aliens
of all shapes and sizes, all of them moving with purpose, never
stopping. When their paths crossed, which they often did, they
simply passed through each other. I heard voices, more than I could
possibly count, all saying the same thing, “Time for work, not for
play,” over and over again.

All of the buildings in the city rose to
amazing heights, all drab green, windowless and doorless. I watched
as aliens passed through their walls, coming and going, never
pausing, all continuing the chant.

There were signs everywhere, “Work Now!”
“Time for Work.” “Don’t get recycled.” That sounded ominous.

“Did you overthrow the dictator yet, Turd
Fondler?” said B24ME.

“I just got here.”

“That’s no excuse. Get to work.”

“Where is the dictator?” I said.

B24ME didn’t answer.

Someone or something tapped me on the
shoulder. I turned and saw a seven-foot tall, orange, four-armed
alien with a triangular head, three eyes and two mouths. “Get to
work or you’ll be recycled,” it said, before rejoining the others
on their march to who knew where.

Hands seized me from behind and I blinked out
of and then into existence, finding myself in a small room. Sitting
behind a battered desk I saw an alien, a gray worm-like creature
with a single eye, a beak and tentacles.

“Why aren’t you working?” it said.

“Um, I don’t live here. I don’t work here,” I
said.

“If you don’t live here, why are you here?”
it said, its one eye glaring at me.

“Well, I’m on this show and I have to,
hmm…”

“You have to what?”

Something told me I didn’t want to answer the
question truthfully, but I had no other answer to give, so I
blurted out, “I’m here to overthrow the dictator.”

It blinked. “So, you’re my replacement. What
are you? Class five? You look like a class three. Whatever. I was
getting sick of the job anyway.”

“What?”

“Should I waste my time finding you a new
office, or will this one suit you?”

I looked around the office again and for the
first time noticed that the surface of the alien’s desk appeared to
be covered with fur, purple and orange, fluffy and soft, that that
of a Persian cat. I noticed that there were no doors or windows and
saw a moving picture of someone being chopped to pieces by some
multi-bladed monstrosity. Maybe that was somebody being
recycled.

“I guess this office is fine,” I said.

“Wonderful. Good luck keeping this bunch in
line. Not a single dedicated worker in the bunch.” The alien
disappeared.

I reached out and touched the desk, wondering
who would have a fur-topped desk. The desk bit me and said, “Watch
it, you pervert.”

“Uh, B24ME, I overthrew the dictator,” I
said.

B24ME didn’t answer. I repeated myself a few
times, and then sighed. All I really wanted to do was go home.
Then, I remembered something B24ME had said about the blue cube. If
I asked it to take me somewhere, it would take me there, or at
least I hoped it would.

I pulled out the cube and said, “Cube, please
take me home.” I appeared in my family room, more than a little
confused, immediately went down the street to the bar, ordered a
shot of whiskey and a beer chaser, and sat down to regroup, placing
the blue cube on the bar.

Max noticed the cube and said, “So, you’re on
The Show. Good luck with that, Kev.” This was definitely a
dream.

“Anyone sitting here?”

I turned and saw a young woman, beautiful
beyond my wildest imaginings. She had a smile on her face and green
eyes, electric and ancient.