Kev (31 page)

The Journal

I believed but did not know my journal held the key
to stopping Clive from ending all creation. I knew within it I
would find answers to questions I could not yet form and prayed
that somewhere within those pages would be clues that would allow
me to stop Clive.

I went into the fort, retrieved the journal
and then went back outside the fort and sat on a nearby rock. In
that moment, I remembered the last time I had come here, how Chit
had been waiting for me. I knew Clive knew about this place and
knew about the journal, and thought it might be a good idea to go
somewhere safe to read it.

I had a memory of a cottage, a cottage I had
back in 1918 in Brimfield, Massachusetts, a cottage on a small
lake, the only cottage on that lake at that time. I knew I had
built it in this life as well as others. I believed Clive did not
know about it.

I teleported to the porch of the cottage and
took a seat on a rocking chair facing out to the lake, the lake
completely still. I had built this place for the girl, our secret
place, a place where we could escape and regroup, at times when I
was more aware of things, fleeting moments in a life full of
confusion. I wondered if she would look for me here but thought she
wouldn’t.

I opened my journal to the first page and
looked at my first entry, which read, “The voice wants me to
remember to never touch the blue cube. What is the blue cube? Why
am I hearing this voice? It is such a pest.”

I turned the page and found, “The voice
believes Clive is Satan and thinks he wants to end all creation.
Who is Clive?”

The next page read, “The voice keeps asking
me how he can defeat the deevil without killing himself. How should
I know?” On the same page I saw, “I tripped and fell and smashed my
head against a rock but it healed right away. I guess I’m pretty
lucky. The voice says this is normal.”

I turned the page, finding, “The voice told
me I am God and then told me to forget he said that. I wish he
would leave me alone.”

Following this came, “The voice, the ever
present voice, the voice I am so sick of, told me Clive is Satan.
Has he told me that before? Who is this Clive?”

I flipped through a dozen or so pages, seeing
much the same. The voice repeated itself quite often, clearly in an
attempt to get me to remember things.

I found a different sort of entry that read,
“I know how to win the game.” Just that. When had I written
that?

The next page read, “Uncle Joe gave me the
most amazing airplane for my birthday. I can’t wait to take it
apart.” I had drawn a picture of an airplane below that.

Many of the pages were just lists of names
with short descriptions, people I clearly wanted to remember,
friends and family, people and characters on TV and in movies,
books I had read. I found Clive, the girl and Jesus many times in
those lists, always with the same descriptions. I couldn’t remember
ever meeting Jesus when I was young, but must have if I had him in
my lists.

On one page I found written, “I have lived an
infinite number of lives. I am stuck in a loop. I am in a loop.
What does this mean?”

Following that, written many times, on a page
with many hearts drawn on it, I found, “I love the girl. She loves
me. I hope I don’t forget her.”

I turned through more pages, finding a wide
variety of things.

“The voice told me I will create a show and
that I will be the contestant on this show. Clive will too, but I
am the real contestant.”

“The voice claims to be me. Is that possible?
If so, what does that mean?”

“Watch out for Aputi. He is evil.”

“Clive has brainwashed the Canadians. He will
use them against me.”

When had I written these things? Was I a
child at the time? I had no memories of coming to this place and
writing in this journal as an adult.

“The voice told me something bad is going to
happen on my ninth birthday but doesn’t know what it is. I wish he
hadn’t told me that.”

“I pressed the button on the black cube five
times today and now I realize I need to press it six times or Clive
will find me and end all creation.”

“I made a wish today and it came true. I
wished that I was at the park near Uncle Joe’s farm and met a girl
and we fell in love. We did amazing things, traveling to other
worlds and even flying. After she left I wished I was home and
there I appeared, just in time for dinner. I am going to wish to be
with the girl forever.”

“The clear cube vibrates every time I ask,
‘Who am I?’ It also vibrates when I say, ‘I am Kev.’ Who gave me
this cube? Was it Aunt Helen?”

“I pressed the button on the black cube five
times today. I have almost infinite knowledge, but know this is
quite dangerous. Clive will get me if I don’t press it six times.
When am I going to meet Clive? Have I met Clive? My memories tell
me I have, but I don’t know if I trust them.”

“I pressed the button on the black cube three
times today and ended up in Peoria. After an hour roaming around, I
found a piece of paper that read, ‘Think 37 and home at the same
time.’ I did that and was back home. After that I thought 37 and
the park near Uncle Joe’s farm and appeared there. I met a girl
there. I am in love. I am going to go back tomorrow to play with
her.”

In the pages that followed, I found many
entries about the girl. Apparently, I had kept hold of the memory
of how to teleport for some time, and I had managed to keep my
memories of the girl. In these pages I detailed a relationship so
profoundly beautiful that it brought me to tears.

“The voice told me I once got sucked into a
black hole. You would think I would remember being sucked into a
black hole. I know he is lying.”

“The voice wants me to write, ‘Beware of
Clive.’ Who is Clive? Why should I beware of him?”

“I just got back from Uncle Joe’s farm. I met
a girl at a park near his place. I am in love. I hope she loves me
too. I can’t remember her name. Does she have a name?”

“The voice told me that Aputi is going to
kill everyone on Earth in the future. I have heard the name Aputi
before.”

“The voice told me the trick to getting
through the Excretorian ant challenge is to teleport right at the
moment I see a flash of light. He says I probably won’t remember
and I will die many times before I figure it out. I thought you
only died once.”

“Aunt Helen told me it’s okay to forget
things as long as you remember them later on. She told me I will
remember everything eventually. I hope she’s right. I’m pretty sick
of forgetting things.”

“I feel like I have written this before.”

“I dreamed that I asked a girl to marry me
last night and that she said ‘I accept.’ I think I’ve seen her
before, maybe in another dream.”

“The voice told me not to fire my gun if I
get stuck in the reenactment of the Battle of Bwar Nit. He says it
will kill me. He also says I will just come right back to life, so
it’s not that big a deal, just a pain in the ass.”

“The voice told me Ceti Margaux is a stinky
place. I have never heard of this place before. Is it in
France?”

“I feel like I have written this before.”

“The voice told me Ruby is actually pretty
wonderful and not to do anything to hurt her feelings. Who is
Ruby?”

“I pressed the button on the black cube three
times today and ended up in Peoria. I walked around for a while
before a found a piece of paper on the ground that read, ‘Think 37
and home at the same time.’ I did that and appeared back in my
bedroom. I tried thinking 37 and the park near Uncle Joe’s farm and
I appeared there. I met a girl who told me she is my wife. She took
me to strange worlds and then to a place she called Uthio Minor.
She told me that is my home, but would tell me no more. I am going
to go to Uthio Minor tomorrow to see if she is there.”

“I met a boy named Clive today. I like him a
lot. I think he is from Hawaii. Not sure what he was doing in my
front yard. He told me next time he visits we are going to play a
game called The Show. I can’t wait.”

There were a few more pages about Clive. I
could tell that Clive had visited me several times before my ninth
birthday, presumably in this life.

“The voice told me I will create a device
that will allow me to talk to aliens. I can’t wait to do that.”

“Tomorrow, I am going to Uncle Joe’s farm
with my parents. My mom reminded me there is a park with a fort
near his farm. She told me that I might find a friend if I go
there. I hope that happens. I hope I can remember whomever I meet
there. I’m pretty sick of forgetting people.”

I noticed the timeline didn’t seem right, at
least not based on the memories I had. Had I gone back and forth
through the pages when I wrote this? Was I remembering this life
correctly?

The next three pages were filled with the
same sentence many times over. “Don’t forget the girl. You love the
girl. She loves you. Don’t forget her.”

Following that was, “I have forgotten
someone. Who have I forgotten? I think it is a girl.”

“The voice tells me the yellow cube can
manipulate matter. He says the girl has it. Which girl? Do I know
her?”

“The voice told me to never give the yellow
cube to Aputi. Isn’t Aputi the one who is going to wipe out
humanity? No clue.”

“I found a piece of paper in my bedroom with
’Make a wish to go to Galthinon’ written on it. Right after reading
it I made the wish and appeared on another planet. At least I think
it was another planet. I don’t know how to describe what I
experienced there. There were places where I could fly, and other
places where I felt like I had eaten the most amazing food ever.
One place was full of statues, statues of people that looked
vaguely familiar. One of the statues was a beautiful girl. I would
love to meet that girl. I also found a shrine or temple. In the
center of it I found a pedestal and on the pedestal I found a piece
of paper that read, ‘You are. You are the one. You are the
everything.’ After I read it, I appeared in my bedroom. I took out
a piece of paper, a strange thought entering into me, and wrote ’37
the park near Uncle Joe’s farm,’ and, what do you know, I appeared
there. I met a girl there who looked like the statue of the girl I
saw, the most amazing girl ever, although she seemed kind of sad.
When I told her I had to go home for dinner she told me to think of
37 and home. I did that and appeared back home. I think I
understand now. Anyway, I am in love. I am going to go back
tomorrow to play with her. Maybe I can cheer her up.”

“I forgot how to get to the park. I hope the
girl won’t be mad at me. I wish I could remember. Why can’t I
remember? I am so sick of this.”

“I wished I could remember everything today.
I know absolutely everything. I am God. I don’t want to end this
right now. I’m going to wipe away my memories again. Having so much
fun.”

“The voice told me I will have six children,
five sons and one daughter. My sons are the five Kev’s and my
daughter is Soph. Soph is a funny name. Is it a real name?”

“The voice told me not to be afraid of Ruby
and not to feel bad about getting her pregnant. I don’t know what
to think about that. I hope that isn’t a bad thing. What will mom
and dad think if I get Ruby pregnant? How do you get someone
pregnant? Who is Ruby?”

The entries went back and forth between
repeats of the voice’s previous statements and entries about going
to Uncle Joe’s farm and meeting the girl at the park. Sometimes she
would try to make me remember her and our life together. Sometimes
she was sad. One time she told me to wish that I remembered
everything and begged me not to be mad at her for saying that. I
made the wish, but nothing happened. There had been other entries
about wishes I had made in the past, usually little things.
Sometimes they came true, sometimes not. I knew this was important,
but couldn’t make the connection. In that instant, I vaguely
remembered B24ME asking me for the red cube once and remembered his
reaction when I hinted that I might know what it did. What did it
do? Why did I remember that? Did the red cube grant wishes? I
reached into my pocket and pulled out the red cube and made a wish.
I wished that I knew how to stop Clive. Enlightenment did not find
me.

“The voice told me that the red cube only
holds five charges. What does that mean?”

I now believed that the red cube did, in
fact, grant wishes, but suspected it had run out of charges. I
cursed silently to myself. What had I wished for? Probably stupid
things, things you would wish for when you didn’t realize you had a
little red cube that could grant wishes. Wishes like, “I wish my
parents would send me to Camp Calistoga,” a wish I remembered
making on my ninth birthday as I blew out the candles on my cake, a
wish that came true, although I did not realize my wish as led to
that at the time, and “I wish I could find the girl,” another wish
I knew I had made that also came true, although I didn’t think much
of it. Then there was “I wish I could figure out how to build a
communications device that will allow me to communicate with anyone
anywhere in the universe immediately.” I realized that wish came
true. There had to have been other wishes or else I would have had
a charge left. I couldn’t remember.

“The voice told me the red cube recharges
only if you make the special wish.”

What was the special wish? I flipped through
the pages looking for this piece of information, but didn’t find
it. As I flipped through the pages I noticed a page written in a
different hand. I turned back to that page and found a note from
Clive.

“Kev, Do you remember Galthinon? I think you
should go there before I make you end all creation. Love,
Clive.”

When had Clive written this? It was buried
about three quarters of the way through the journal. However, I
believed that I had not necessarily written things sequentially. He
could have written it at any time, even recently.