Kev (33 page)

Clive wore a goofy grin, as did the
others.

I had won the game. I had won for the first
time, and though I knew this was, to some extent, by design, I
realized that these silly beings had allowed me to win, and for the
briefest of moments, I felt something I had not ever felt before in
quite this way. I felt surprise.

I had received a gift, a gift beyond measure,
and the love I felt for these souls swelled, my body threatening to
explode.

“Took you long enough,” laughed Clive.

“Yeah,” said the girl. “I thought we were
going to be playing forever.”

I laughed harder than I had ever laughed
before and said, “So, who wants to play again?”

Everyone present, everyone that ever was,
groaned at the same time, a deafening roar that reverberated
through all existence.

Clive came over, hugged me and said, “I’ll
play if I can make the rules this time.”

“Hey, I want to make the rules,” cried the
girl.

“What about us?” said Ruby, Jesus, Bri and
the sphere.

“You know,” said Aputi, averting his eyes, as
he usually did, “I bet I can make the next game even more
interesting than this one was.”

“I bet I can make the game more interesting
than any of you,” shouted B24ME.

“No way,” shouted every single being
present.

“You can all make the rules,” I said. “This
will be your game, one of an infinite number of games.”

The Rules

1. Thou shalt not tell me the rules, but thou may
reference the rules in such a way as to make it known that there
are, in fact, rules. That should tie me up into knots, right? Also,
thou may at any time cite the rules even when the rules are not
relevant to a given situation. That will be quite fun, don’t you
think? I know you all agree.

2. Thou shalt not ever tell me what the red cube
does under any circumstances. Of course, I say this knowing full
well that at least one of you will break this rule, and I have to
say, you are lucky I will immediately lose the memory of you saying
that.

3. Thou shalt not take the red cube from me unless I
give it to you willingly. B24ME, are you paying attention? Clive?
Aputi? Yes, I’m looking at you, Aputi. Stop averting your eyes. I
hate that.

4. Thou, and now I am speaking only to you, Jesus,
shalt not have any conversation with me in which you do not somehow
let on to the fact that Clive is Satan and that he wants to end all
creation. I know you don’t like lying, but thou shalt not disobey
me. Understood?

5. Thou shalt not explain how the black cube works
or even hint that I should use it in any particular way. Clive,
girl, pay attention. Further, thou shalt not ever tell me that
pressing the button five times on the black cube does not truly
give me all of the memories of all of the beings that ever existed
in all of the infinite universes, with the exception of Clive, the
girl, Bri, the Proth Sphere and Jesus. I know you’re not going to
do this in this game, but I know you will do it in the next one.
What do you think will happen if you tell me that everyone in the
universe knows everything about the game and that those memories
are all hidden from me? Don’t you think letting me know that
everyone is in on this is a huge clue? Just let me believe that
everyone in the universe is aware of the game but not fully aware
of all of the rules. Rule one allows for this, and I have to say,
that rule is far too lenient. Of course, I’m sure none of you will
remember this.

6. Thou shalt not offer any material assistance to
me of any sort that will allow me to escape harm or confusion. I
don’t care how badly you feel for me or how frustrated you are.
Don’t do it. I’m looking at you, girl. Of course, this is an all
encompassing rule, and perhaps the only rule I need make, but I
know if I don’t spell things out you will all claim you didn’t
fully understand this rule.

7. Thou, and this is for you, Clive, shalt not ever
go to heaven. It is strictly off limits. Further, thou shalt not
ever tell me that you are prohibited from going to heaven. Of
course, I know full well that you will tell me just that and will
later claim it was absolutely necessary to move things along. You
are wrong about that. I should know.

8. Thou, you sphere, shall not allow me to use you
in such a way that I will be given the advantage. I know I can
depend on you, you wonderful thing.

9. Thou shalt not ever hint that the clear cube
might be something of great importance to me. It is my
responsibility to discover this. Clive, stop pinching Jesus and pay
attention.

10. Thou shalt not ever mention the simulation or
ever mention anything about free will to me for any reason
whatsoever. If you feel the urge to do this, please remove yourself
from my presence immediately and go dunk your head in a lake or
something. I don’t care what you do; just don’t say a word about
it.

11. Thou shalt not write in my journal. I have said
this far too many times, and each time, one of you misfits writes a
note in my journal that pretty much gives everything away. Clive?
Clive? Yes, I happen to be talking, Clive. Do you want me to repeat
myself or would you prefer to not know this rule?

12. Thou shalt not ever let on to the fact that my
ability to heal rapidly is anything but normal. Clive? Are you
paying attention? I don’t think you are.

13. Thou shalt not ever tell me how to get off The
Show. B24ME, I know you have absolutely no intention of letting me
off the show and I greatly appreciate that. Girl, watch yourself.
You have been guilty of this countless times, and I have to say,
while I love it that you can’t stand seeing me suffer, you have to
accept that this is just part of the game and that it is good for
me. To be quite frank, I enjoy being tormented on The Show. Call me
a masochist if you like, but it is really invigorating.

14. Thou shalt not ever warn me about Ruby. I love
her dearly and would hate for her to be disappointed by any
rejection from me. I know you love me too, Ruby. Such a sweet
thing. Anyway, there is no greater act than creation, procreation
being a type of creation, of course.

15. Thou shalt not allow me to understand the nature
of time travel in the simulation. I know some of you think it is a
silly way for things to work and think it makes things confusing,
but I’m happy with it, so just don’t mention it, please. While I’m
at it, please stop telling me I have time lag all the time. We all
know there is no such thing as time lag. Also, quit telling me I’ve
been time traveling all the time. I will figure it out on my own.
Got that, girl? Clearly, you aren’t listening. I guess telling
Clive I am a poopy head is far more important than hearing the
rules.

16. Thou shalt not tell me I am God, even if I say I
am God. Clive, you look like you have some doubts about that one.
Do I need to explain it in another way for you? No? Good. Give not
into temptation, Clive. Remember that.

17. Thou—Bri this is for you, although I already
know you are going to break this rule, but I want you to feel bad
about it when you do, so don’t forget—shalt not tell me the only
thing I can do to bring back the universe after I have wished the
Proth Sphere never existed is to wish that the sphere exists again.
Thou shalt not say that or confirm it even if I say anything about
it, which I’m not saying I will, but you never know. Do you know?
Do you truly know my mind? Of course you don’t, so don’t do it Bri.
Well, at least feel bad about it when you do it. Understood?

18. Thou shalt not—Aputi, are you paying attention?
Stop averting your eyes. I hate that. There is no good reason you
should avoid looking at me, you silly thing—thou shalt not ever try
to get the yellow cube from me under any circumstances. I know you
think turning the universe into a giant cesspool is a barrel of
laughs, but I have to say, everyone is quite sick of it.

19. Thou shalt not, under any circumstances say
“thirty-seven” to me. Sphere, I know you didn’t hear a word I said,
and I know that even if I repeat myself you will say it anyway.
Shame on you. Girl, Clive, you might think you are pretty clever by
asking me what my favorite number is, but please try to understand
that these types of clues will just give me an advantage. Further,
when I say “thirty-seven” in response to your query about my
favorite number, Clive, you will be directly violating this rule by
asking me what thirty-seven means to me. Further, the whole follow
on about jelly donuts is completely unnecessary. I know for a fact
I would be able to convince Bri and the sphere to connect even when
they are having a terrible row without this sort of help. Something
to keep in mind.

20. Thou shalt not, as a corollary to rule nineteen,
ever tell me how many rules there are, dear sphere. If you have to
ask why, you will never know. Anyway, you should never question the
rules as stated by me. Period. Sphere, quit pestering Bri and pay
attention. I swear you act like a child sometimes.

21. Thou shalt not, and I mean thou absolutely shalt
not ever, under any circumstances, even if I have your feet to the
fire and you are suffering unimaginable pain, say naughty words,
and I am looking at you right now, girl, you potty mouth. I know
most of you think this is a ridiculous rule and that it truly has
no bearing on the game, but you should know that at some point in
the future, there will be others, beings with free will, real
beings, who will read this story. If you use a lot of bad words,
people are going to think you are uncreative and crass, so do try
to express yourselves in the most intelligent way possible. Are you
listening, girl? This applies to you most of all. Of course, I am
exempt from this rule because I will not know the rules, so don’t
think for one second if I utter a profanity that you are somehow
allowed to do the same. Clive, dear boy, you haven’t heard a word
I’ve said, have you?

22. Thou shalt not, Bri, let me believe that you are
me, and by that I mean God. I know you get a kick out of doing
that, but it is really in poor taste, and you should know better. I
am quite certain that will not stop you, but want you to know it is
really less than stellar behavior.

23. Thou shalt not teleport me anywhere with you.
Girl? This is strictly forbidden. I will teleport when I learn how
to teleport and I do not need you to show me it is possible. Of
course, you’re not listening. Ruby, this goes for you too. I can
take that purple cube away from you, you know. Don’t push me. I’ll
do it. Also, and it truly pains me to have to repeat this for the
billionth time, thou shalt not tell me that I have the ability to
teleport and time travel at will. I shouldn’t have to say this, of
course. None of you heard anything I just said, did you?

24. Thou shalt not—you know, I am getting really
sick of this. I mean, why is it that I have to make so many rules?
Why can’t all of you just get it right without me having to tell
you what not to do? Oh, whatever. Thou shalt not kill me. Clive?
Are you paying attention? Why is it you feel the need to kill me
over and over? Don’t you think there might be a better way of
figuring out who I really am at the outset of the game? I mean,
there are plenty of dead giveaways. Do you really think that you
need to kill me? Further, why do you need to keep killing me after
you have already made a positive identification? Don’t answer that.
I know you get a kick out of it, and I have to say that is pretty
sick. You are lucky I love you as much as I do, my lad. Otherwise,
I would have you burning in hell for all eternity. By the way,
B24ME, you are exempt from this rule. I am sure you knew that
already, though. Also, Clive, don’t you think it is time you
stopped trying to kill my parents? There are other ways to get me
to do what you want me to do, you know. Sure, the whole killing my
parents thing tends to push me in the direction you want me to go
in, but I think you’ve done it an inappropriate number of
times.

25. Thou shalt not allow me to send copyrighted
material out to the universe to individuals who have not purchased
the items I am sending. Clive? I’m talking to you. You know I am
going to tell you that I am going to do just that and you are going
to say nothing and let me break the law. Don’t give me any crap
about there being no laws and this just being a simulation. Laws
are laws, Clive, and you should do your best to stay on top of
this. Of course, I know you won’t.

26. Thou shalt not ever tell me to make a wish when
I express concern over some possible negative outcome or when you
just can’t take my ignorance anymore. This is, as you all know, a
new rule, one that I now find necessary, given that every single
one of you has done this at some point or another in the past. You
are risking ruining the game by doing this. You see that, don’t
you? I mean, I know you get bored sometimes and want to move things
along, but this really is a no no. I know two of you will break
this rule this time, and I have to say, I am terribly disappointed.
Look, no matter how screwed up things are for me, you have to keep
in mind that I am God and I can handle anything. Got it? Further, a
little boredom is good for you. It allows you to reflect on your
lives and think about ways you can do wonderful and interesting
things that will bring me great pleasure. You do want to please me
don’t you? Don’t make that face, Aputi, or I will send you back to
your home planet this time. You don’t want that, do you?

27. Thou shalt not ask me if I have the cubes or
what cubes I have or anything like that. Calling attention to them
is tantamount to spoiling the surprise for me. Hello? Girl?