King of Campus (44 page)

Knowing that Ivy is willing to sacrifice her dreams makes me feel completely unworthy.

I don’t deserve that kind of love from her.

I try hoisting a small smile but just can’t get the edges of my lips to tilt upwards.  It’s too damn hard.  My heart already aches from what I’m about to do.  And I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that everything within me is screaming for me to turn around and leave.

But I have to.  I don’t have a choice in the matter.

“Yeah, I do.  So I can’t stay long.”  I have to clear the thick emotion from my throat just so I can force the rest of the words out before I do something stupid… like swallow them back down and pull her into my arms where she belongs.  “But we need to talk.”

My words have her brows sliding together into a tight line. She purses her lips.  Her eyes suddenly probing mine a little more carefully.  Because she’s so attuned to me, she knows something isn’t right.  I can see it in the way she’s holding herself. “We do?”

A tidal wave of dread washes over me as I give her a curt nod.  “Yeah.”  Feeling jittery, I run a quick hand through my hair.  God this sucks.  Worse, I can’t just come out and tell her I know she’s lying to me.  I don’t want her getting pissed off at Eric.  She needs him in her life.  He’s been her biggest champion in the dance world.  I can’t take that away from her.  Ivy’s already lost enough as it is.  She can’t afford to lose him, too.

“So, you know how I’ve been thinking about putting off the draft for another year and staying at Barnett…”

It’s clear from the confused expression on her face that she doesn’t know where I’m going with this.  What I’m about to say is going to blindside the fuck out of her but I don’t know any other way to do it.  Sitting on her bed, with her legs crossed, she jerks her head into a nod.

Of course she does.  We’ve had many conversations about the ramifications of entering the draft this January or waiting another year and finishing up my degree.  But after talking with Eric, I finally made a decision.  And actually, it feels like the right thing to do.  I just don’t think I can stay here at Barnett without her.  The memories will end up killing me.

“So, I’ve decided to go ahead and do it.  I’m entering the draft in January.”

A big bright smile lights up her face as she jumps gracefully off the bed and bounces right into my arms.  “I’m so happy for you, Roan!  If you think it’s the right decision, then it is.”

I nod.  As much as I want to wrap my arms around her and hold her long lean body close to mine, I don’t.  Because if I do, I’m afraid I won’t be able to walk away from her when I’m done.

“Yeah, I think so, too,” I add softly.

Sensing that something still isn’t right, she pulls away until she’s able to meet my somber gaze.  Any moment I’m going to crack.  I can all but feel it.

“Roan?”

Again I have to clear my throat as my eyes slide away from hers.  I can’t look at her as I recite the words.  I just can’t.  “So here’s the thing- I feel like I need to focus on football right now.  I need to get bigger, stronger, faster.  My agent thinks if I can improve my times at the combine, I’ll generate more interest with the scouts.  Then I’ll have a better chance of going in the first or second round and securing a bigger signing bonus.”

I let those words hang in the air.

For a long painful heartbeat, she doesn’t say anything.  Finally I force my eyes to fasten onto hers.  Still she doesn’t make a sound.  Not one single fucking sound.  All she does is stare at me with big wide eyes that are swimming with both hurt and shock.  Like she can’t quite believe those words just came tumbling out of my mouth.

The look in her eyes is killing me.  I feel like such an asshole right now because I don’t want her to believe for one fucking moment that football is more important than her.

It’s not.

And ball has always been more important than just about anything in my life.

But not Ivy.

Never Ivy.

In the short time I’ve known her, Ivy has come to mean absolutely everything to me.  No one knows me the way she does.  And it’s doubtful anyone will ever know me like that again.  She sees the person I am beneath all the hype, all the bullshit.  It’s going to kill me to let her go.  The only consolation I have is that it would slowly kill her to stay.  To give up this opportunity to dance with the Cincinnati Ballet.  I just can’t allow that to happen.  It’s that knowledge alone that has me following through with this.

“What are you saying?”  Her words sound as if they’re being strangled from her body.

Again I plow my hand through my hair in agitation as I glance away from her right before the words spill from my lips.  “I think it’s best if we take a break right now so I can focus on the draft.  I can’t afford to have any distractions right now.”

She makes a hurt little noise deep in her throat that cuts me to the quick.  “You’re saying I’m a…
a distraction
?”  So much devastation packed into those six little words.

No, god, no!

It takes everything within me not to reach out and grab hold of her, to soothe her with words of love as I wrap my arms around her.  The last thing I want is to push her away.

“Right now- yeah.  I have to give one hundred percent to this.”  I shrug my shoulders.  “All my focus and drive needs to be concentrated on the draft.  On adding muscle and cutting down my times.  And then there’s school…”  I suck in a deep, painful breath of air before adding, “I need to finish strong.  It’s important to me.”

When she slowly untangles herself from me, I know it’ll be the last time I hold her in my arms.  Already they ache from the loss of her.

“How can you say that?  I thought,” shaking her head, her slender shoulders slump before she turns away.  Bowing her head, she buries her face her in hands.  She doesn’t make a single sound.  I really don’t think I could bear to hear her cry right now.  I’m on the verge of crumbling as it is.  One little heartbreaking sound from her and it’ll be over.  I won’t be able to stop myself from yanking her back into my arms and telling her that I didn’t mean one damn word of what I said.

This is so much harder than I thought it would be.

Like a magnet, I feel the pull of her and can’t resist moving closer.  Even though I’m the one bent on inflicting pain, I want to somehow make it better.  Gently I lay a hand on her shoulder.  As soon as I do, it goes rigid.  I hate that what I’m doing will end up tainting our entire relationship.

“It’s just bad timing.”  I gulp, “Maybe after the draft is over and I know where I’m going…”  My words trail off because I have no idea where I’m going.  I could end up in Seattle or Green Bay or Florida, for fuck’s sake.

And she’ll be in Cincinnati.

Trying to make a name for herself.  Just like Eric said.  She sure as hell doesn’t need me anchoring her down.  I don’t even know if we could make it work regardless.  Eric filled my head with so many doubts.

Inhaling a shaky breath, she says quietly, “No.  I don’t think so, Roan.  I think this is it for us.”

Then she turns and I’m once again drowning in those liquid emerald depths of hers as she impales me with them.  They feel like a sword going right through my fucking heart.  “I’m really sorry, Ivy.”  More sorry than she’ll ever know. 
I’m doing this for you,
I want to say
.  Because you deserve this break.  You deserve this chance to be out there lighting up the stage.  And I can’t hold you back from that.  You would end up hating me for it.  And I would only end up hating myself for not being strong enough to let you go.

But I don’t think she sees any of that lurking within my eyes.

Nodding, her gaze never strays from mine.  “I know how much you want this.  And I would never stand in your way or do anything to hold you back from achieving your dreams.”

Her words give me the much needed strength to walk away because she’s absolutely fucking right.  She would never stand in my way.

And I won’t be the one to stand in hers either.

Chapter Thirty-Five

Other than around campus, Roan King sightings have become a rarity…  Apparently someone must be nursing a broken heart.  Who would have thought that our very own campus player had a heart buried beneath all that sexy muscle?  Trust me, I’m just as shocked as the rest of you.  KingOfCampus.com

“I can’t believe you’re really leaving.” Lexie murmurs the words in a wobbly voice near my ear right before crushing me in a tight bear hug.  I can barely breathe.

“I know,” I whisper, “I feel like a real shitbag for baling on you like this.”

As soon as I voice the words, she pulls away until she’s able to meet my watery gaze.  “Don’t you dare say that!  What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t support your dream any way I could?” 

Just as I open my mouth, she cuts me off.

“A pretty damn crappy one!”

Her words have my lips twitching up at the corners.  Lexie is my best friend.  And I think she’ll always be my friend.  There’s no one more supportive than Lexie Abbot.

She gives me a big grin before adding, “Anyway, I’ll be crashing at your new apartment over break.  You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

I roll my eyes.  “You know I’m shacking up with three other girls, right?  It’s just temporary until I can find something else.”  At least I won’t have to look for an apartment right away.  I can take my time settling in, getting acclimated to the company and the city before I start looking for my own place.  But I figure I’ll probably be living there for a good four or five months.  Maybe even longer depending on how everything goes.  After all, from what I hear, I’ll barely be at the apartment.  Rehearsals are long and demanding.

“I don’t care, it’s just so exciting!”

I can’t help but bite back a small smile.  She’s right.  It is exciting.  I just wish things had worked out differently with Roan.  We haven’t really spoken much since he pulled the plug on our relationship about a week and a half ago.  I still see him in class and I run into him in the halls every once in a while but that’s about it.

I guess he’s doing just what he said- working out, playing ball, and studying.

I try not to think about what else he might be doing...

The moment people sniffed trouble in the air between us, it was all over that stupid website.  Although, thankfully, there haven’t been any pictures snapped of him with other girls… not that I’ve been, um, cyberstalking him or anything like that…

Okay, maybe just a little.

Even though I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed with a pint of Chunky Monkey ice cream, I couldn’t.  There was just too much to do.  I had to speak with my professors about finishing out my courses even though I would be in Cincinnati.  Most of them were actually really cool about it.  My guess is that always being in class, participating, as well as being an A student helped with that.  Only one professor gave me a hard time but Eric went and spoke with him.  It’s doubtful he’ll give me an A for the semester, but at least it should be a passing grade.  My plan is to come back for finals in mid-December.  It’s going to be a lot of work with my new rehearsal schedule but I’ve got nothing else going on, so I think I’ll be able to handle it for the next month.

I also had to figure out what to do with all my crap.  Which is, as we speak, being packed up in the small U-Haul truck my dad rented.  I’m going to spend a few days with him and Leah before he drives me to Cincinnati on Saturday.

So, even though I would have loved to wallow, there just wasn’t any time for that.

The fact that Roan considered me nothing more than a distraction that would get in the way of him achieving his goals still hurts like hell.  I just keep telling myself that we weren’t meant to be.  Bad timing and all that other BS. We’re both busy trying to make our dreams come true.  Honestly, I want nothing but the best for Roan.  I’d like to think he wishes the same for me.

“Hey, babe, did you tell Ivy that you already found another roommate?”

Dylan comes up behind her.  There’s a smirk on his face which instantly has me narrowing my eyes at him before they swing back to Lexie.

“You did?”  Wow, that was quick!  She never even mentioned it.  A scalding blush heats her cheeks as one of my brows slowly slides upwards.  Well, well, well… isn’t this interesting.  When she says nothing, I can’t help but demand, “Come on, Lexie, tell me!”

“Go on and tell her, babe.”  Dylan is all smiles behind her.  He’s practically beaming.

Still looking sheepish, she rolls her eyes.  “Dylan and I are going to give living together a test run.”

My mouth falls open.  “Oh my god!”  I pull her to me, hugging her tight.  “That great!”  When she says nothing, I push her away from me.  Still holding her at arm’s length, my eyes search hers carefully.  “This is a good thing, right?”

Her eyes slide to Dylan before her lips pull up into a smile.  “Yeah, it’s a good thing.”

As soon as I let go of Lexie, Dylan wraps his big arms around her before giving me a little wink.

Unable to help myself, I laugh, “Well, isn’t that convenient.”

A huge grin spills across his handsome face.  “Totally convenient.”  It makes me feel so much better knowing that Dylan is moving in here with Lexie.  They’re so perfect for each other.  Even though they spent some time apart, it seems to have been good for both of them.  I may not be at Barnett to see firsthand what’s going on between them, but I know Lexie will give me the lowdown every time we talk.