Kingdom's Dream (14 page)

‘Do you really think that?'

‘Llinos is a complex woman who has done things that I can't condone, but she is an honest soul. Believe me, now that Dafydd is married she will keep away from him.'

‘Thank you, Father Martin.' Jayne hugged him. ‘I feel so much better for talking to you.' She kissed his plump cheek.

He pinched her chin. ‘Now, get on home to your husband and next time I see you I want to know you're happy.'

When Jayne left the manse, all her doubts about Dafydd and Llinos had vanished. If Father Martin was right, she had nothing to fear: Dafydd was her man and, as the vicar had pointed out, she was the one he had married.

She smoothed her hand over her stomach. Soon, very soon, she would be carrying Dafydd's son, and when that day came, he would be bound to her for ever.

CHAPTER TWELVE

In the office Shanni glanced up and saw that the light was going. She was alone in the building but she did not feel lonely: from outside she could hear the voices of the men working on the kilns, which needed to be kept at a constant heat until the pots were baked: the fires around the perimeter of the walls had to be kept burning throughout the night.

Shanni closed the account books and placed them on the shelf behind her with a sigh of satisfaction. She was proud of her work: she had come a long way from the pathetic young girl living in the slums of Swansea. She accepted that her climb up the ladder had been due largely to Llinos Mainwaring's kindness, and she was grateful for all Llinos had done, but Shanni had made most progress through her own intelligence and effort.

Llinos had been given everything in life but had thrown it away to have a sordid liaison with Dafydd. It was true that Dafydd was handsome, and Shanni was attracted to him although she had never made love with him. But would she if he asked her? She pushed away the uncomfortable thoughts and put the rest of the papers in the desk drawer.

A sound in the outer office brought her to her feet. Who could be in the building at this late hour? The door opened.

‘Shanni?' Dafydd's voice was a shock, and Shanni felt his presence as warmly as if he had taken her into his arms. He stood in the doorway, bringing with him a breath of cold air from outside. ‘Why aren't you at home with your husband?'

‘And why aren't you home with your wife?' The minute she spoke she knew she had said the wrong thing.

‘As your employer I don't explain myself to you, Shanni,' he said curtly, and she bit her lip, cursing herself for a stupid, tactless fool.

‘I'm sorry,' she said at once. ‘I was being facetious and I apologize.'

He smiled. ‘Llinos did a good job on you, Shanni!'

‘She helped me, of course, but I had the brains to learn my lessons well,' Shanni protested.

‘Well,' Dafydd came into the room, ‘I should tell you not to lose your temper, but with your red hair and sparks flying from your lovely eyes you look good enough to eat.'

Shanni opened her mouth then closed it again abruptly. He was flirting with her. Dafydd, the man she had loved for so long, was noticing her as a woman not just as an employee. Her nerves were tingling, and she was aware of his scent as he stood close to her.

He sat down on the edge of her desk. ‘I might as well confess that I get bored with my wife sometimes,' he said. ‘I came down to the pottery for something to do that did not involve domestic things.' He smiled. ‘That's my excuse for being here. What's yours?'

‘Pedr is away on pottery business, as you well know, and I didn't feel like going back to an empty house just yet.'

He looked at her seriously. ‘We never have been reduced to talking about domestic issues, have we? You and I were too involved in fighting the injustice of the toll gates while all my wife thinks of is the next supper party and which of her rich, spoiled friends to invite.' He made a gesture of dismissal. ‘I'm being disloyal to Jayne. I'm not saying she's brainless, not at all, but she concentrates on the trivialities of life.'

‘She's been brought up that way.' Why was she defending Jayne, Shanni wondered. She did not even like the girl. ‘I'm afraid her father indulged her too much. She'll grow up, given time, I'm sure.'

Dafydd took her hand. ‘You're a wise owl for one still so young, but you had to fight for survival, didn't you?'

‘I certainly did.' She thought of the slum where she had been born, Fennel Court: a lovely name for a dreadful, poverty-ridden place. ‘And you're right, I should be grateful to Llinos Mainwaring. I'd still be living in squalor if it wasn't for her.'

‘Come here, you look so sorry for yourself.' Dafydd drew her slowly towards him. ‘You're a bright girl and you'd have got out of the slums one way or another, I'm sure.'

He bent forward as if to kiss her but Shanni jerked away from him. ‘I know you're flattering me but you shouldn't, Dafydd. What are you trying to prove to me?'

‘I'm not trying to prove anything.' He pulled her into his arms. ‘I'm just trying to kiss a beautiful woman.'

His mouth was hot and urgent on hers and Shanni's resistance melted. She leaned against him, wanting the moment to go on for ever. She knew it was wrong, but a kiss was not really a betrayal, was it?

His arms encircled her and he pressed her closer to him. She knew he was aroused, and disentangled herself from his arms. ‘We shouldn't be doing this, Dafydd.'

His arms dropped to his sides. ‘You're right, but you look so desirable. And you want me so why fight it?'

He had read her correctly and, anyway, what harm would it do? He was touching her again, his hands slipping from her shoulders to her breasts. Her breathing became ragged, and she stopped thinking about anything except how wonderful it was to be in Dafydd's arms. This was what she had wanted for years.

They did not undress. He drew her onto the floor of the office and Shanni knew there was no turning back, not now. He took her quickly, with finesse, his touch gentle, but Shanni was disappointed: she found herself yearning for her husband's vigorous love-making.

When Dafydd rolled away from her, she began to cry. He cradled her in his arms and smoothed back her tangled hair. ‘What's wrong, little Shanni? Didn't I please you?' He kissed away her tears. ‘I was too eager for you but we can easily put that right.' He touched her breast but Shanni pushed him away.

‘You're playing with me. You've always known I thought myself in love with you.'

‘And now you know different? Aren't you still in love with me just a little bit?'

‘I don't think so.' Now that she had lived her dream and been possessed by him, she was not sure that she had ever loved him. She straightened her clothes. ‘That was the first and the last time, Dafydd. This must never happen again.'

‘But it was so wonderful – how can it be wrong?' He touched her hot face. ‘Don't feel guilty about it, Shanni. What we did was natural and it was what we
both
wanted, wasn't it?'

‘What we did was wrong, Dafydd. We're both married. How can I face Pedr when he comes home?' She pushed him away. ‘Oh, it's all right for you! A man is easily forgiven when he beds another woman, but the womenfolk suffer every time.'

Shanni remembered her mother, poor Dora, victim of an affair with a married man and reviled for it. And Llinos, people talked about her: she was no longer fit company for the respectable matrons of the town. By giving in to her lust for Dafydd, Shanni had become just like them: a harlot. ‘I'll be an outcast in Swansea.' Shanni tried to gulp back her tears. ‘Folk will say “like mother like daughter” and I'll be spat on in the street.'

‘No, Shanni, we won't tell anyone what's happened here tonight. No one need ever know about it.'

Shanni swallowed hard. Could she live with Pedr, knowing that she had been unfaithful to him? She thought of him, dear reliable Pedr. He loved her so much that if he knew she had lain with another man his life would be ruined. Dafydd was talking sense. It was best to keep their indiscretion between themselves.

‘I'd better go home,' she said dully. She needed to bathe, wash away her guilt and cleanse herself for her husband. ‘How could I do it?' Her head rested in her hands. She could not look Dafydd in the face.

‘I'm sorry, Shanni,' he said gently. ‘I'm so sorry. Had I known you would feel like this I would never have touched you.'

Suddenly she was angry. Dafydd had used her to end his boredom and she, like a silly gullible fool, had let him.

‘Do you think me a whore?'

‘Of course not! If I wanted a whore I could buy one for a few pennies down the Strand. I think of you as a beautiful, intelligent young woman and I wanted to make love to you. Is that so wrong?'

‘I'm going home.' She picked up her jacket. ‘I'm taking a couple of days off work while I decide what to do. Perhaps I can find my self-respect again if I don't see you.'

‘I'll walk home with you.'

‘No. Just stay here or go home to your wife – anything. Just leave me alone.'

The air was cold on her cheeks as she set off uphill away from the pottery buildings. She still could not believe what she had done. Then she became aware that her name was being called and turned to look back over her shoulder.

‘Shanni, wait.' Katie Cullen was waving to her. ‘We'll walk with you.' Bull Beynon was with her, his arms protectively round her waist. There was such a sweet innocence about the couple that Shanni felt even more ashamed of her own behaviour. She waited for them to catch up – she could hardly run away from them even though that was what she wanted to do.

‘What are you doing out alone at this time of night?' Katie said.

‘I was in the office. I had some bookwork to finish,' Shanni mumbled, envying Katie her uncomplicated life. The girl was radiant with the first flush of love, and Shanni felt sullied in comparison.

‘Well, Pedr should have come to fetch you, then. Bull met me from choir practice. He wouldn't let me walk home alone. Still, you have us for company now.'

‘I'm all right,' Shanni insisted. ‘Pedr is away, and I'm not afraid of the dark. I can walk back on my own.'

‘We won't hear of it, will we, Bull?' Katie slipped her arm through Shanni's. ‘You must remember how I was accosted by the railway navvies. Do you want the same thing to happen to you?'

Suddenly Shanni felt weary: all she wanted was to get home and crawl into bed.

‘You're very quiet,' Katie said. ‘You're missing your Pedr, aren't you? I can tell by the expression on your face. You two are so happy together it's a pleasure to be in your company.'

It was as if Katie was rubbing salt into her wounds but, of course, she had no idea of what had just happened. Shanni changed the subject. ‘How's the work on the railway going, Bull? I hear there's a bit of trouble on the tracks, is that right?'

‘Some people are objecting to the with of the gauge but Mr Brunel is a brilliant engineer and everything will be sorted out in time,' Bull said.

‘And Bull has some wonderful news.' Katie's face was rosy with pride. ‘Go on, Bull, tell her.'

‘It's just that when my stint on this job is done, and the line is open to Swansea, I'm going to train to be a manager.'

‘That's wonderful, Bull,' Shanni said, trying to sound enthusiastic. ‘You're too good for navvying, I'd say.'

‘Well, nothing wrong with a bit of honest toil.' Bull's eyes gleamed in the moonlight. ‘But I'd rather toil with my brain than with brawn.'

The journey to Shanni's house seemed interminable but at last it came into sight. ‘Here we are, then. You've seen me home safely now. Hadn't you better be getting back to the Morton-Edwards place before you're dismissed?'

Katie laughed. ‘Mr Morton-Edwards is a real gentleman to work for. In any case, he's met Bull and he approves of our . . . our friendship.'

Shanni could not face Katie and Bull any longer. She wanted to get indoors and shut out the world. ‘Thanks for keeping me company, both of you.' She forced a smile. ‘I'll see you again soon, I'm sure.'

‘Shall we come in with you for a while?'

Shanni touched Katie's arm. ‘Thank you but no. I'm not a little girl, I'm an old married woman, remember?'

She watched as Katie and Bull walked away arm in arm along the cobbled road. Then she went inside the warm darkness of the house she shared with Pedr, her haven, her home.

She lit the lamp and the light illuminated the room, throwing the shadowy corners into relief. The fire was almost out but with a little effort Shanni coaxed it back to life. Once the flames were licking up into the chimney, she put the kettle on to boil before dragging the tin bath in from the backyard.

The water just covered the ridged bottom of the tub but Shanni washed scrupulously, trying to flush away the scent of Dafydd that seemed to cling to her. When she had finished she crouched before the fire and closed her eyes. ‘Dear Lord, forgive me for my sins because I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself.' She sank back on her heels and tears filled her eyes. She had judged Llinos Mainwaring and found her lacking, but now she was as bad. For the first time she understood what Llinos must have gone through, especially when she knew she was having a child.

‘Oh, no!' She put her hands over her face. What if she found herself with child over the next few weeks? She would not know who was the father.

She emptied the bathwater into the yard and looked up to see a cold moon glaring down at her. She felt that her guilt must be in her face as well as in her heart, that others would see it as plainly as she felt it. She closed the back door and turned wearily towards the stairs. She wanted to sleep, forget what she had done.