Kissing Maggie Silver (17 page)

“I’m sure you did,” his voice was warm and full of gratitude even while he shook his head. “But I can’t let you do it Maggie, and nor would Mum. You have too much living of your own to do, too many plans.”

“But I told you, even if I find a job tomorrow it will still be months before I can get away.”

He took her free hand in his and although the touch of his fingers sent her heart racing, she still heard the finality in his reply. “That’s not a good enough reason. You need to get on with your own life and stop letting other people get in the way. Your family already runs you ragged. They take it for granted you’ll help out whenever they need you without a thought about what you want for yourself, and as if that isn’t enough, now you’re thinking of adding someone else to your list.”

.
“I…they’re not that bad,” her protest was half-hearted as she remembered how she had poured her heart out to him about that very thing when he first came back into her life.

“Yes they are. I know they don’t mean to be but if you want an honest opinion then
you need to realize that I’d do the same in their situation. If I knew someone who was willing, capable, and good with children, and who was always available to help out, then I’d make sure I took advantage of her. And now you’re proposing to add to your burden by taking on an elderly woman who lives in the middle of nowhere in rural Ireland. It makes no sense. Stop finding excuses to dream dreams while doing nothing about them.”

“That’s not fair!” Two spots of angry color highlighted Maggie’s cheeks as she felt the sting of his remark.

“Maybe not, but it’s what it looks like from here. Get out and live before it’s too late. You’ve escaped one boyfriend who was perfect husband material if I remember rightly, but if you go on like this you might not have the strength to escape another one.”

They stared at one another.
Maggie’s face was full of hurt pride as she heard the rejection in his voice. Coming so soon after he’d kissed her made it doubly hard to bear. Ruairi, for his part, refused to think about what he was doing to her so sure was he that it was for her own good. He had to cut the ties that were beginning to bind them together before he ruined her life however lonely it made him feel. In the silence that followed his words they heard Mark’s feet clattering on the stairs. He released her hand.

“I’m sorry! I had no right. You get enough advice from everyone else,” he whispered the moment before Mark
came into the room waving the take-away menu and asking for orders.

Chapter Thirteen

The rest of the evening passed Maggie by. Although she dutifully ordered from the take-away menu Mark had found pinned to the kitchen notice board, and although she laid the table while the men went off to collect the food, and although she sat and chatted until it was time for Ruairi to go and fetch his mother from yet another set of friends, she had no recollection of anything that had been said.

As she cleared away the various foil dishes and plastic boxes, and washed up the plates, all she could think about were Ruairi’s words.
They went round and round in her head until she thought she might scream, not because she was angry with him, but because she knew he was right. Although she had talked a lot about how she was going to change her job and travel the world, it had remained just that. Talk! She hadn’t done a single thing about it during the long summer vacation, and she could no longer convince herself that it was because Ruairi had come back into her life because, deep down, she knew it wasn’t true. Not really. If she’d really been as serious about travelling as she claimed, then she would have had a definite plan in mind by now. She would have had a job lined up long before her parent’s ruby wedding.

Standing in front of the kitchen sink, her hands elbow deep in soapy water, she stared out of the window into the garden.
Although it was dark, the solar powered lamps Mark had installed the previous summer cast shadows across the lawn and spread little pools of light around some of the flowers. With the children’s toys cleared away and the rickety den Ruairi had built hidden in the shadows, it all looked very peaceful.

Throwing down the dishcloth she went outside and let the night air cool her overheated face. Maybe this was what she should settle for after all because there was nothing wrong with it, not really. June and Mark always seemed so happy, and so did Peter and Andrew
and their wives. Her parents did too. This was the life everyone else in the family seemed to enjoy, so who was she to disparage it? She felt hot with shame as she remembered how often she had criticized everything they had achieved without any thought for their feelings. How could she have been so insensitive? And how could she have forgotten the one thing that made their lives richer by far than anything she might achieve by travelling? How could she have overlooked the love they all had for one another, and which they shared with the wider family? It was the lodestone that kept everything fresh and new, and it was the one thing missing from her own life. She hadn’t found it with Graham, which was the real reason she had turned him down, and she wasn’t going to find it with Ruairi either because he’d just made that very clear. Love! It was the one thing that all the travel plans in the world would never change.

Then she thought of Jo, of her independence, of her ability to make a home out of nothing, of the matter-of-fact way she had flown home ahead of her husband to organize her confinement, and suddenly she felt diminished. Jo was…she hunted for the word and then stopped abr
uptly as it came to her. Brave. That was what it was. Jo was brave. She didn’t just talk about her plans, she did something about them…she put them into action.

The thought brought self-pitying tears to Maggie’s eyes because she didn’t think she was very brave and that was only one of her problems.
She listed the rest on her fingers: lack of insight, lack of adventure, too much talk and not enough action. And on top of all that, Ruairi had made one thing very clear. Despite their one kiss, there wasn’t a place for her in his life, not even via his mother, so she had missed out on love as well. He expected her to live her own life, not follow him, and that was the thought that made her tears flow hard and fast, and which kept her sitting in the garden long after Mark called out that he was off to bed and that she’d better come in before she was bitten to death by mosquitoes.

* * *

Although she had a headache the following morning, Maggie’s manner gave no hint of how she was feeling as she threw herself into the preparations for June’s homecoming.

By the time Ruairi and Mrs
. O’Connor arrived she had already stripped all the beds and the washing machine was chugging away on its third load. Sophie and Amy had helped her to clear away the breakfast things and had then been dispatched to the playroom to tidy away their toys with a promise that they could start cooking as soon as Granny ‘Connor arrived.

Mark, after one horrified look at all the activity going on around him, had fled to the calm of his office saying there were some things he had to do before he started his paternity leave.

“Goodness me, what a hive of activity!” Mrs. O’Connor declared as she dumped her bag on a chair, threw her summer coat over the banister, tied one of June’s aprons around her middle and started searching through the cupboards for pots and pans.

Maggie met Ruairi’s eyes and
, despite everything that had passed between them the previous day, they both burst out laughing as they watched his mother take over the kitchen.

“Come on!
We’re not needed here any longer,” he told Maggie. “Let’s go shopping.”

“I can’t yet,” she protested.
“There’s some more washing almost ready to hang out, and I’ve still got to make up the beds and write a shopping list.”

“I’ll deal with the washing, you sort the beds,” he said.
“And you can write the shopping list in the car.”

“It’s easier to do as he says Maggie because once he has an idea in his mi
nd it’s impossible to shift him. Before you go though, can you tell me where June keeps her flour,” Mrs. O’Connor resurfaced from her search of the kitchen cupboards, wooden spoon in hand.

* * *

Forty minutes later, still not sure how she had been talked into it, Maggie was adding items to a shopping list while Ruairi overtook a couple of drivers who were looking for parking spaces in the town centre, and turned into a side street.

“As long as you don’t mind a short walk there’s bound to be a space down here,” he said.

“Walking is fine,” she stowed the shopping list in her bag. “It’ll be good to move a bit faster than child’s pace for a change.”

He
smiled as he slotted the car neatly into a gap between two parked cars and killed the engine. “Are you getting fed up with your domestic responsibilities?”

She shook her head as she opened the passenger door
. “Not really. I love the children… it will just be good to stretch my legs.”

As they set off towards the town centre her hand brushed against Ruairi’s. Despite all his good intentions
, and without allowing himself to think of the consequences, he seized it and pulled her close to his side. She didn’t look at him as she curled her fingers into his. Instead she tried to make a joke of it.

“I’m not Sophie or Amy you know.
I can walk safely on my own.”

He slowed them both to a stop.
“I’m not in any danger of ever confusing you with Sophie or Amy,” he said quietly, and then he did the one thing he’d told himself he was never going to do again, he kissed her.

It was a tentative kiss, no more than his lips brushing hers, but
this time the connection was immediate. It felt as if a thousand volts had surged through him as she responded, and forgetting they were in a quiet suburban street, he let her soft lips become his whole focus. For what seemed to be a very long time they explored one another’s mouths, their breathing erratic as they pressed against one another, the fact that they were on a public street the only thing that stopped their feverish hands from roaming across bodies suddenly hot with desire. Ruairi didn’t come to his senses until a couple of teenage boys cycling past made ribald comments. When he heard them he drew back from Maggie with a wry smile.

“I’m sorry,” he said.
“I didn’t mean that to happen.”

Her face was flushed, her lips still slightly parted as she looked up at him.

“I know you didn’t,” she said, her voice and her gaze steady. “I know you are going away again Ruairi, and I know there won’t be a place for me in your life when you do but…but can’t we pretend it’s not like that, just for today.”

At a complete loss for words, he stared down at her.
She was keeping whatever was going on inside her head to herself. All he could see reflected in her wide grey eyes were his own feelings of desire and frustration. It brought him to his senses and, his heart heavy, he shook his head.

“You know it doesn’t work like that Maggie.
If we take today, then we’ll want tomorrow too, and the day after that.”

“And would that really be so terrible,” she whispered, her face pale now, her body rigid in the circle of his arms.

“Yes, because then I’d break your heart,” he said, letting his hands drop to his sides. “I’m always on the move, always away. And when I’m home I’m still distracted half the time, organizing new contracts, working on documentaries. I don’t have time for a relationship Maggie. These few days have been a real time out for me, and I’ve enjoyed them and being with you more than I can say, but they’re nearly over. After my meeting tomorrow I’ll probably be away for months and what sort of life would that be for you. You deserve far more than that and I should never have taken advantage of you.”

To his surprise her eyes blazed
gray fire at him. “It didn’t feel to me like you were taking advantage. It takes two you know. If I hadn’t wanted to kiss you then I wouldn’t have.”

He caught her arm as she turned away and began to walk towards the town centre.
“I didn’t mean this...I’m not talking about now. I meant I should have walked away the first moment I knew I wanted you. Instead, I told myself that playing happy families with you for a few days would be fun and that we were both too grown up to get carried away by our emotions.”

“Well now you know you were wrong don’t you!
But if you still want to play happy families and help me finish this shopping, then that’s fine by me. I’ll try not to let my emotions get in the way.” She wrenched her arm away from him and began to stride out in earnest.

He hurried to catch up with her.
“I know I deserve that and worse, and I’m sorry, but please wait Maggie. Let’s talk about this some more. We can’t let our friendship end like this.”

They
reached the end of the street as he finished speaking but whatever Maggie was going to say to him in reply was never uttered because someone called out to them. It was Jenny, Peter’s wife. Barely looking both ways she rushed across the street towards them, dodging a passing car.

“Hello you two.
Mrs. O’Connor said I might bump into you both. She said you had gone shopping when I called to see how you were getting on with the children Maggie.”