Knowing Is Not Enough (25 page)

“Not that good of an actress? Man, I could have done a Meryl Streep on you and you wouldn’t even know it.”

“I would know if you were faking it.”

“No, dear, I’m sure you wouldn’t know, but it doesn’t matter because I wasn’t faking. I’m surprised. I truly am.”

“I’m glad you are. I wanted you to be. So the chef has prepared us something to eat. I hope you like it. I made some assumptions about what I thought you would like.”

“I trust everything is going to be wonderful.” I pointed in other end of the room. “What are those chairs over there for?”

He smiled. “Maybe I have one more surprise, after all.”

A string quartet with instruments, sheets of music and stands entered the Court: two violins, a viola and a cello.

Easton took my hand. “Karen might have told me how much you really love the symphony. I pulled a few strings—no pun intended, and asked if we could have a performance during lunch. It’s not the symphony, but its classical music all the same.”

“What! Easton, I don’t deserve all of this! We’ve only been dating a little while! This is so much.” I was starting to feel overwhelmed by it all. It was so beautiful, the exhibit, tour, lunch and now a string quartet. I didn’t even know what they were playing, but I felt the musical vibrations in my chest.

This is what I prayed for, always wanted—now it’s here. Enjoy this, don’t analyze it, overthink it, just relish in the moment. You deserve to have someone in your life that treats you better than the men in your dreams. Easton deserves my full attention—and a little something else for later
.

Needless to say, I didn’t go back to work.

Easton changed me from a work-every-second-of-the-day girl to only when necessary. The Art Institute left me high on ambiance, music, food, and wine, and later—on Easton. This time around, we explored each other’s erogenous zones more empathically than the last. Lying in bed, I tried to observe every lash, muscle, and wrinkle as his body slept by my side.

As with most, if not all girls, I flashed the moments of our day together in my mind. It was magical from the second we walked through the door. I know this relationship is not ideal, but Easton wove his way into my heart. After today, there isn’t a doubt in my mind giving him up wouldn’t be easy, and I honestly had no intention of letting him go. Married or not.

Easton stayed overnight again after our date, which was becoming a regular routine for us. I liked that he stayed with me from time to time. It was just mid-week, but I already knew he planned to spend time with his kids this weekend, so I would be on my own. I thought I’d
have time to catch up on my paperwork and make some phone calls as long as I didn’t have any unexpected distractions. The only deviation, if all went as planned, would be catching up with Linda and Tobey. Carving out time for that was right up there with finishing some work.

The next day when I returned, I filled Karen in on my date. I also took time to thank her for the part she played in making sure it was a special day for me. I’m never surprised, but I let her know they got me, and good.

Karen asked if I’d taken any pictures, which I didn’t even think about. Relying on memory wouldn’t capture everything I wanted them to see and share. If I was going to have any chance of convincing them this relationship is good for me, I needed to paint a fuller picture.

I wasn’t thinking on my feet, too busy crying. I took about an hour before work to completely tell Karen everything from start to finish, special touches he threw in she didn’t know about. There were also personal information about Easton and me I hadn’t shared, namely the situation about Easton’s marriage, the kids, and him not wanting to get married again. Unfortunately, her blessing would have to wait. She was on the same page with Linda and Tobey. Great date, but end it before I get hurt, which I had no intention of being. But whoever does?

My conversation with Karen was overdue and long. I valued her opinion, despite it being contrary to mine. One point she did raise was the need for me to find out Easton’s endgame. Getting married wasn’t relevant, but his plans on divorce were. I thought my relationship with Jake proved I was willing to ignore the elephant in the room a really long time.

I wasn’t that girl anymore.

I promised Karen I would have the talk, but before any conversation took place I desperately needed to get my head back into the work game. I was behind and I’m
never
behind. So for the next few days this would be it work, and only work. Karen left me in the office alone for the remainder of the evening after locking up. I got into a rhythm, managing to complete a few plans and write out my notes from my last sessions, which seemed like centuries ago.

The week went by quickly. On Saturday my goal didn’t change. I tried to focus on work and not “other stuff,” no luck there. My mind wandered—reflecting not working. I wanted to get into something, but didn’t have anything to get into. I sat my laptop beside me on the bed there was no sense in going through the motions. I wouldn’t be getting much done. I pulled the pillows from the other side of the bed to prop my head on. Staring at the blank television screen, I wondered what Sanford was doing, whether he was still seeing that girl. For a split second I considered calling him, but no—I’d done enough damage with Sanford. He was doing what he was doing—our time had passed.

It’s like that sometimes—once a door closes it can’t be reopened. It’s a shame it takes us too long to figure that out. I need to figure what’s going on in my own life versus if Sanford would ever return to it. If push comes to shove and I was forced to choose between the two of them, I would go with the memories that don’t hurt me, and right now that’s Easton
.

The worst thing about being single was not creating memories with anyone. I had nothing to recall, and now I
did, but it was with someone who was married. I want somebody in my life where I can say do you remember when this happened? Don’t forget this? Or you remember when we did that the last time? I want Easton. This . . . us, this is what I want. Moments like at the park and the museum those are what I know I need to make it through a lifetime. I had this feeling before and after Jake, but not with Jake. I don’t know if that makes any sense or what it says about my failed marriage. If I sit here and think about all these men in my life I have Jake, who . . . if I’m honest with myself, is trying to get back with me. Sanford, who loves me and isn’t talking to me, and Easton, who likes me, maybe loves me, but is married to someone else. My love life is muddy. To be with Easton, I have thrown my moral compass out the window. I had to break it first then throw it out the window. I’m hiding from heaven. All too soon the day will come when I have to figure all this out. But that wasn’t today. Today I’m going to lie in bed, work and daydream about my non-existent future with Easton. I may be dick sharing, but Easton is mine—for now, and I want make it last as long as I can. Soon realities ugly head is going to put all this to an end.

Instead of just lying there, I decided to pick up my journal and write down some of my thoughts. My first line read, “I’m lying to myself. No matter how much I’m telling myself this is different, it’s not all that different. No matter how much logic you bake into crazy, it still comes out crazy. Trying to make us different doesn’t alter where I am in this relationship or what I’ve been doing. I’ve wrestled with being a causality of war from a broken marriage for so long. I empathize with Easton’s wife. I know how it feels to be powerless in fighting a feeling.”

I put my journal down after a few entries. I wasn’t quite ready to be this open. I opted to watch a movie instead. No romantic dramas for me. I could write my own. I went through my movies to see what I had that was decent and wouldn’t have me making late-night phone calls. I settled on something to take me out of reality. I put in the DVD and had just hopped back into bed when the phone rang. It was Linda.

“Hello.”

“Hey, girl, what’s up with ‘cha?”

“Nothing, just watching
The Matrix
.”

“Again, Alex? Why you watch the same movies over and over?”

“I identify with them, that’s why. Plus it helps to shut my brain down. What are you doing? Where are the kids? I don’t hear them screaming.”

“It’s Sunday, they’re at church with their father.”

“You don’t go to church? Why are you at home?”

She laughed. “Getting some peace and quiet for a minute. Where is Easton?”

“Oh, he and his wife are taking the kids to some show—Sesame Street—something or another, so no Easton for me today.”

She laughed. “Boy, I could go in so many different directions with that, but I’m going to let this one go.”

“Please do, I’m struggling enough with my own thoughts—I don’t need yours in my head, too.”

“Okay, so guess what?”

“What?” I asked.

“I said guess.” She sounded a little petulant.

I wasn’t in the mood. “I don’t want to guess.”

“Girl, just guess.”

“You’re pregnant.”

There was a stunned silence. “How did you guess?”

“For real, Linda—”

“I’m just saying, you got it on the first guess. It took Mama at least a few guesses. Did Tobey tell you?”

“No, Tobey didn’t tell me, I haven’t even talked to Tobey.”

“Oh, well. So that’s it. I’m pregnant with baby number four.”

“Congratulations,” I said.

There was a pause. “Why you sound so dry? What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing, just sitting here thinking too much. You know how it goes—a woman alone with her thoughts can either solve problems or create them, right? Ignore me, I’m just in a mood. I’m happy for you. Is Mitch happy?”

“Mitch is happy with whatever, you know him. I could’ve told him we were having a puppy and he would be ecstatic.”

I cut the volume down on the television. “Have you heard from Sanford?”

“Not since you got back from D.C.,” she said. “Why? What’s up?”

“Nothing,” I said. “I just thought somebody should call him and make sure he’s okay.”

“I’m sure he is,” she laughed. “He just doesn’t want to be bothered with you.”

“Oh, Linda, that’s funny, real funny.”

“It’s the truth, ask Tobey. She talked to him.”

I frowned. “She didn’t tell me she talked to him.”

“That’s because he told her not to tell you he talked to
her.” It actually made sense the way Linda said it.

“Then why are you telling me?”

“He told her, dummy, not me.”

“Oh, I guess that’s true.” I hesitated. “So what did he say?”

“Oh, I don’t know, you have to ask Tobey.”

“Okay, now you’re your just a bad comedy routine.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know. For real, I didn’t ask. Pregnant lady over here.”

“You all with this don’t tell Alex business is getting to be really annoying.”

Linda sighed, “Well—yeah, that’s what happens sometimes.”

“I guess so, do you know how far along you are?”

“Only a few months. I found out this week, but I thought I was sick, a little more bitchy than normal.”

“No, not you!” Two can be sarcastic, I thought.

“Real funny. Okay, I don’t have anything else. Call Tobey and find out what he said.”

“I’m working, I’ll call her later.”

“No, call her now, before you forget.”

“Linda, I’ll call her later. I’m not supposed to be talking to you. I’m trying to get some work done. I’ve been taking to many days off and I’m almost caught up.”

“You said you were watching a movie. What you taking days off have to do with us? Go on and give her a call. I want to know what he said.”

“Then
you
call her.” I cut my volume back up.

“No, I got to get off this phone and clean up before they get back here.”

“You know what—” I started to state my position, but
decidedly didn’t know what the point of that was. I wanted to call her. “Okay, I’ll call her.”

“Call me back and tell me what she said.”

“Girl, get off my phone.”

I didn’t want to admit to Linda I wanted to call Sanford earlier, but chickened out. Her needing to convince me to call Sanford was an act. No one wanted to know what Sanford said to Tobey more than me. I cut down the volume again to call Tobey.

Tobey answered, “Yeah, girl, what’s up?”

“Hey! Linda just told me she’s pregnant.”

“Oh, yeah, she told me. Where you at?” Tobey asked.

“At home. Why you whispering?”

“I’m at work.”

“Oh, I thought you worked afternoons?”

“I do. I’m actually off today, but I picked up another shift since Hunter was working.”

“He’s teaching on a Sunday?”

“No, he had papers to grade, then a meeting at the college.”

“Oh. Anyway, I’m actually calling to find out what Sanford said to you.”

Her tone changed. “What do you mean?”

“Tobey, I know you talked to him. What did he say?”

“He said not to tell you.”

“Girl, if you don’t tell me what the man said—”

“He said he loves you, but things are getting serious with Simone, so he wanted my advice as to what he should do. That’s all.” She made it sound so simple.