Lacey Luzzi: Sprinkled: A humorous cozy mystery! (Lacey Luzzi Mafia Mysteries Book 1) (27 page)

Vadim smiled. “Yes, he has you, how you say, wrapped around his thumb?”

“Not exact- okay, yes. Around his thumb, which I would like to stick up his ass. After Michael and his team, including Andrey, nicked the coke, what happened?”

Vadim frowned. “That’s where things become blurry and complicated. Michael took the good stuff to a safe location – alone. Nobody from the team knew where it went.”

“Well, except Michael,” I pointed out.

“Yes, but you see instead, we gave a fake bag of the good stuff to Andrey for safekeeping. It was flour. We knew there was a mole in our middle-”

“Midst-”

“-and we wanted to find out who it was. We thought giving Andrey a fake bag and making it obvious that he had it would make the mole try to break in to steal it. You see, the mole was talking to the police, but our policeman – er, our
friend
, said that the police wanted physical proof that the mole was real and legit.”

“And you figured the decoy good stuff would be proof enough for the mole and the cops, and that he’d try to steal it.”

“Yes, exactly.” Vadim scratched his balding noggin. “But then nobody stole it. After Andrey was killed we went to the location, and is untouched. It’s all there. But just recently I hear Michael say somebody took a portion of the good stuff. The
real
good stuff.”

“Do you know where Michael kept it?” I asked.

“No, I don’t want to know. Michael and I are same level, business wise. I no question him – is disrespectful. He is – how you say? Freelancer. He no work anymore if I mini-manage.”

“Micro-manage,” I corrected. “Makes sense. That’s annoying. I hate when people do that.”

“Yes, yes,” Vadim said. “Michael thought you stole it. He said you are only person who knows where it is.”

“What?” I gaped in sheer awe. “You think if I knew where it is I’d be chasing you, lying here in my swimsuit? I think not.”

Vadim paced back and forth. “Yes, I agree is weird.”

“She’s not lying,” Trina added. “She don’t know.”

Vadim nodded thoughtfully. “So then Michael, does he lie?”

What I wanted to say was:
Uh, duh.
What I actually said was, “Most likely.”

“But I don’t understand.” Vadim sat on a fluffy pink stool and sunk his head into his hands. The lights from a nearby makeup mirror amplified his shininess. “Why? He make lots of money on this job. And he never work again if he steals.”

“How much good stuff was there?” I asked.

“A lot.” Vadim looked up in surprise. “Lots and lots. A gazillion.”

“You know, that’s not like, a real measurement…” I trailed off. “You know what? That’s a shit-ton of good stuff.”

“Yes.” Vadim turned to walk towards the door. “I need to find Michael.”

As if in an answer to his question, the door swung open and Michael stood there, arms crossed, a gun dangling from his waist band, a knife in his hand.

“Michael! I was just go to look for you,” mumbled Vadim.

“So I heard,” Michael said. “Here I am.”

Vadim cleared his throat and puffed his chest out a bit. He tilted his neck back and forth, but it refused to crack. “She knows not where the good stuff is. She didn’t steal it. So who did?”

“Are you accusing me?” Michael took a step into the room. His voice was soft and scary. He approached the bed where I lay, trying my best not to shiver with nerves. Every time I breathed I was uber aware of the knife moving up and down on my chest.

Michael grabbed the hilt of the knife, and for a second I panicked, thinking he was going to push it right between my ribs. Probably sensing the panic in my eyes, he gave me a small wink. “Don’t scare the girl.” Michael picked up the knife and set it on the bedside – out of my reach, but at least it wasn’t threatening to puncture my lungs at the next second.

I kept my gaze on him. Was he here to save me? Or kill me? It was a strange feeling being surrounded by a room of potentially evil people, wondering who wanted to kill you the most at any given second.

“No, I’m simply asking.” Vadim was clearly trying to keep his composure. He was obviously intimidated by Michael, and for good reason – Michael’s expression was unreadable.

“Well it wasn’t me, so if it wasn’t her, who could it be?” Michael asked.

Vadim audibly gulped. “I don’t know.”

“Me neither. Maybe she told somebody?” Michael turned towards me, and I suddenly doubted his wink had been friendly. Maybe they’d all shoot each other and I’d walk out of here a happy camper, I told myself. One could dream.

Michael kissed my forehead, and I was once again conflicted. He whispered against my ear, “Don’t you worry. It’ll be over fast.”

“Uh, okay,” I said, wondering exactly what would be over, hoping very strongly that he wasn’t referring to my life.

“Think hard, Vadim. If it wasn’t her, then who could it be? Your precious Andrey? No, no. You didn’t trust him. Which is quite sad, actually. Since he managed to keep that fake load of flour safe til the day he died, did he not?”

Vadim’s eyes got large. “You killed Andrey for no reason! It’s you, you asshole!”

Michael’s eyes darkened for a second.

Vadim lunged for the knife on the table, but before he got to the foot of the bed two bullets hit his chest and he sank to the floor. I couldn’t see anything, but I didn’t hear movement and the chances of him being alive were slim to none. Probably the same chances I had of leaving this place. My stomach felt uncomfortably queasy, and I nearly upchucked whatever I had inside. But I refrained.

Michael lazily turned his gun to Trina.

“Stop,” I said.

Her eyes swiveled to me. Her big, blue irises didn’t reveal much emotion, but I chalked it up to a difficult life. She didn’t deserve to die.

“She’s a beach,” I said. “She didn’t hear anything important. Just let her go. Who’s she gonna tell? Trina, can you keep your pie hole shut?”

“Yes. Pie hole shut.” She nodded, still smoking.

Michael flicked his gun at the door and Trina stood and wobbled out of the pinkish room.

“You’ve got a kind streak in you, huh? Unfortunate.” He surveyed me.

“Please don’t kill me. We made out,” I offered weakly.

“Also unfortunate,” Michael said.

“Hey, now. I’m not that bad.”

“Just not that good.”

I opened my mouth in protest. “Oh, you asshole. I’ve never had any complaints, and I know how to
not
fuck up every date I go on,” I said hotly. “It’s no wonder you’ll be single for the rest of your life.”

“Excuses,” Michael said. He gestured to the fallen Vadim. “Thanks for taking the blame for me with this whole mess.”

“Yeah, nice of you. So what, you offered to pretend to be Italian to get on the inside with me? What about Andrey – how does he play into this?”

“Andrey is a nice dude. You two would’ve been a good pair. Unfortunately, nice boys don’t do well in our business. He didn’t like the route the Russian Mafia was taking in America. You could say they were getting into some dirtier things and he wanted out. He was going to tell your grandfather that you were in danger and the good stuff had been taken by Michael, the mole, but he wasn’t a fucking rat. I am. All I needed was that shipment, then I’d blame it on Andrey and get rid of him, and bam. I was home free – protected and rich, the Mafia dream. So I had to blow up your car. And shoot at your apartment. But you just didn’t give up. That was your mistake – I mean c’mon, take a hint.”

“You– you blew up my favorite sweatshirt.”

“It’s good for you. You look better in this.” He nodded to my swimsuit.

I opened my eye, but out of the corner of my vision I saw a movement in the hallway. Then I saw two very large people and a head of blond hair. I cut my eyes back to Michael. “Yeah, well, I guess this will be my new uniform.”

“Maybe you’re interested in one last go around before I, uh, finish you off?” He grinned. “No pun intended.”

“Eww, you perv. Get out.” I flicked my eyes towards the door and saw Clay – a lumbering mass of black latex, Meg – a lumbering mass of camouflage that completely made her stick out, and Trina smoking behind them.

Michael raised his gun. “Fine then.”

“Wait, actually – that first option sounds fine,” I said. I opened my eyes super wide, hoping Clay got the picture.

Michael leaned towards my chest with his mouth, as if to untie my suit with his teeth. It was almost a fantasy, if the gun hadn’t been real and Michael hadn’t been a shitty person.

Then, one of Clay’s inventions – at least, that was the only thing I could think of – went off. Smoke enveloped the room, lights flashed and a siren wailed. Nobody could see anything, and all I knew was that for the moment, was that I wasn’t dead.

Gunshots rang out and clinked off every surface in the room.

I held my breath as the black smoke rose to the ceiling.

“You’re a horrible shot,” Meg shouted and burst forward, tackling Michael. He’d been caught off-guard with his gun hand resting on the night table. She sat on him firmly, and I heard the air whoosh out of his chest.

“Hey, can one of you guys help me out?” I asked. I nodded towards my chest where one of my boobs had popped out of the skimpy top.

“I help,” Trina said. Balancing the cigarette between her pink-stained lips. Surprisingly gentle, she stuffed my breast back into its holder.

“I meant untie me,” I said through gritted teeth.

“Nice.” She nodded towards my chest. “Real.”

“Of course,” I said, brightening. “Thanks a lot. I needed that right now. Yours are nice, too. They barely look fake.”

Trina looked down and untied my hands with surprising deftness. “But they are not real. You want to touch them?”

“No, I’m oka-“ I started, but Trina glared at me. “Sure, would love to.”

I squished them between my two fingers very carefully; I was terrible at any sort of water balloon games and I didn’t want to pop her. “Lovely.”

Clay was watching with his mouth open and Meg was nodding in appreciation.

“Don’t stop on our account,” Meg said.

I rolled my eyes. “What are we gonna do with him?”

We all looked at Michael. He was still under Meg’s bum, his face turning slightly purple.

“Maybe give him a little air?” I suggested. “He’s the only person who knows where the good stuff is.”

Meg shifted her weight a bit, but unfortunately she’s not a fast moving mass of human atoms. Michael slipped from under her and rushed towards the door. His gun had been flung under the bed, so he was unarmed. Trina hadn’t run a day in her life, Meg and Clay couldn’t catch a turtle, and I wasn’t going to go bouncing around in public with bare feet. Enough people had seen my boobs for one day.

“Damn,” I said. “That’s annoying. He’s the one that’s trying to kill me.”

“Really,” said Trina.

“Was that sarcasm?” I asked. “Good job.”

She smiled. “I learn.”

“Let’s go home,” I said. “Let me revise that. First, let’s call the police, because we have a double murder to report. Then, I want a sweatshirt.”

** **

“How’d you find me?” I sat in my living room amid beeping monitors and whirring machines, sipping hot chocolate topped with a massive amount of whipped cream and holding a bowl of popcorn bigger than my head.

Clay gave Meg an embarrassed smile. Meg reached over and relieved me of half the popcorn with one handful. I almost complained, but then I remembered they’d just saved my life and deserved some popcorn. I stood up to make another bowl.

“Well, I didn’t
actually
want to work out,” Clay said. “I haven’t been working out, I just thought maybe you should be.”

I gave a mean look to Clay. “Excuse me?”

Clay’s faced turned rosier.

Meg butted in. “He just meant with your new job you should be bulking up those twig arms, skeletor.”

I smiled at Meg. “I appreciate that.”

Clay cleared his throat. “Exactly. So, I just was sitting in my van playing with my equipment…”

His face turned red.

“Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean,” I said.

“Well, then I heard Vadim’s voice talking to some chick with a Russian accent. And from the way they described the unconscious person, I guessed it was you.”

I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the description, particularly since my attire had been a few strings holding my lady bits from being on display to the world.

“I rushed over and picked up this girl on the way.” Clay nodded towards Meg. “And we found that Russian girl outside saying we’d better hurry because there was a beech inside that was going to die.”

“Yeah, there were a lot of beaches,” I said. Meg and Clay looked at me confused. “Never mind.”

“I hadn’t taken off the tracking device from Vadim’s house, and it was almost accidental that I heard the broadcast. I was working on being able to listen to surveillance from far away, since normally I have to be right outside the house. But I think I got it!” Clay’s eyes lit up. “All it took was connecting the transmitter into the battery pack and looping it in the style of-”

“We get it,” I said. “Great job. Then you rescued me. But I have one question left – where was Anthony?”

I looked at the two, who exchanged a glance with one another. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I thought maybe Anthony had been telling the truth and was on my side. But I guess not. It was starting to become such an annoying bummer that
none
of the men in my life were making it past the first date. Or even to the first date.

“I uh, forgot to get him,” Clay said. “When I heard you were in trouble, I zoomed away. Anthony made it to Vadim’s house, but he didn’t come inside since we had the situation under control.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“Well, since he saw Michael sneaking out of the back and we told him you were okay, I think he went after Michael, but I couldn’t say. I haven’t seen either since.”

My heart fluttered a bit. Maybe all men didn’t want me dead – just most of them. But that was okay, I didn’t hold my bar super high.

“Now I’m confused.” I dumped a third bag of popcorn into the large pink bowl. “Where are the drugs?”

I’d filled both of them in on the events of my capture and short imprisonment.