Last Night at the Blue Angel (33 page)

Not fat. You will have baby
, she said, smiling broadly, patting me again.
Your husband will be very happy
.

She sewed the costume while I stared at her, counting weeks and months in my head. My legs suddenly seemed to be made of ribbon, and as I sat there I began to cry—big, choking, gulping sobs. Hilda knelt beside me and put her arm around me, mumbling in Polish.

Z przyjemnością, she said, touching my cheek.
Be happy
.

I
t took me forever to set my hair that night. I became tired holding my arms above my head for so long and the bulbs made me sweat. I turned the lights out and stood in the dark while the bulbs cooled, my eyes adjusting until I could see faint bits of light coming off sequins here and there, and the cooling filaments in the vanity bulbs. It seemed I stood in the middle of a constellation, suspended in it.

I unscrewed every other bulb at my station and turned the lights back on; there was less heat that way.

Rita showed up and went to work on herself, humming as she did. She bounced when she walked and admired herself in the mirror.

Finally she set down a powder puff and turned to me.
Don't you just feel so excited sometimes?

About what?
I asked.

Oh
,
I don't know. The future
, she said.

I thought of the future then I tried to not think of it.

I have news but there are still a few bits to be ironed out. I cannot wait to tell you
.

I would settle for potentially good news
, I said.

She faced me.
Oh
,
all right. You know Carl? Edie's lover? Well
,
ex-lover
, she said sorrowfully.
He has an annual Christmas party. Anyone who is anyone goes. And I have procured you an invitation
.

How'd you do that? They don't know me
.

I threatened to tell Carl's wife about Edie
, said Rita in a low, slightly ashamed voice.

That's awful. Why would you do that?

You'll sing
,
of course. In front of a real crowd. You can't understand now but trust me
,
it's just the ticket
.

I left her to her makeup and her ridiculous plan, and went out to the bar. Jim stood when he saw me and kissed my cheek. He stirred me, that attention, and his eyes made me feel more substantial than I'd ever felt.

I sat down with him.
I cannot be your girl
, I told him.
Last week. Well
,
it was lovely. It truly was. But suddenly my life is more difficult than it was then and I don't want you to see this. Or expect you to stick around
.

I don't got a say in this?

You just. You don't know me
. At that, I stood to leave.

Maybe you need a friend
, he said, standing with me.
I don't have any ideas about what this is. What we are
.

We'll see
, I said, then left him quickly so he wouldn't see how this bit of kindness brought tears to my eyes.

CHAPTER 45

T
HE NEXT DAY
I gathered all my dresses and costumes to take them to Hilda's apartment so she could let them out.

There was someone at the bottom of the stairs but I didn't really try to see who it was as I went down because my arms were full and my body ached.

You running away again?
the man said.

I peered around the pile of dresses and saw that it was David. He touched his hat as he nodded at me. Some of the dresses started to slip. He helped.

What are you doing here?
I said.

What
,
you act like I'm some kind of criminal. You left me
,
remember?

I looked up at him, let my eyes settle on his features for a moment . . .

He tried to hug me, to kiss me on the cheek, but it was all made awkward by the load in my arms. I stared at his face. It had only been months. How easy it would be to fall into him, his sad eyes, his reach, I had missed the way he wrapped himself around me.

He took the clothes from my arms and looked me up and down, shaking his head.
My
, he said.
You look . . . you look like a woman
.

What else would I look like?
I asked.

I want you back
,
Naomi. I'm here to bring you home
,
where you belong. We let things get complicated
, he said.

I have that effect
,
it seems
, I said, and began walking toward the train.

Listen
, he said, following me.
I'll let you feature at the club and I'll pay you right. I'll even let you work other places
,
see what happens
.

This is my home now. I have work
, I told him.

Singing in some underground joint with a bunch of queers?
he said, laughing.

I stopped and looked at him. The blue striped suit, the shadow of whiskers, the dark eyes, a pile of glitter and sequins, tulle, and lace so easily held by his long arms.

None of whom have tried to have sex with me once
, I said.

This city will turn you hard
, he said.
You don't know
.

The threads between us were tight as ever, and I started to feel myself slipping into him, toward him. As he talked I nearly told him I was pregnant, but something stopped me.

We climbed the platform to board the El and I took my dresses back.

Come on
,
doll
,
give us a chance. Come back with me
.

No
,
David
. All of me was shaking. I just wanted him to wrap himself around me and hold me together.
No
.

The train came then. He took my arm.
We're not going to get this again
, he said.
What we have. There's no man going to love you like I do
.

Let me go
.

He let go of me.

I don't love you. I never did. Believe me
. I rushed on to the train and found a seat, watched him through the window, smiled and waved like I was fine. I waited to cry until we were moving. I cried long enough to miss my stop, the other passengers moving away from me, nobody sitting anywhere near me, my crying, my dresses hanging from my arms like lifeless bodies.

I
cried to Hilda, let myself be overcome with feeling, and in the midst of it all I lied. I said I told David about the baby and that he left me. It seemed the only way, this lie. How could I tell her the truth? That if he had to, David could do the right thing. Marry me. Take care of us. How could I tell Hilda, or anyone, how much I feared such a life, a
normal
life? How much I feared becoming invisible again, powerless, dependent. I wanted to do the right thing but I wanted something else more. To be known. To be loved. How much easier to say,
A terrible
,
no good fella
, tears and all, and be done with it.

She stroked my hair and shook her head, saying,
Men like him
, and I felt lighter on the way home, without the dresses.

W
hen I got back Rita and Sister were home and they threw their arms around me before I was all the way in. Rita touched her hand to her chest and looked at the floor, saying,
Oh
,
thank God you're all right
.

We thought you'd run away
, said Sister.
Where did all your clothes go?

Some man came by the club today asking if you were there. He was very aggressive. I refused to tell him where you were but one of the girls caved and spilled the beans. Stupid queen. Who was he?
Rita said, overwhelmed.
And then I come home to find you gone?

Where have you been all day?
said Sister.

I'm having the dresses let out
.

Rita glanced at Sister.
She's still filling out. Completely normal
.

I'm pregnant
, I said.

They looked at me.

Rita sat. Sister covered her mouth.

David found me. I don't know how but he did. I told him about my condition and he doesn't want anything to do with it
. I was still startled by how easy it was to say this lie, this big lie.

That bastard
, said Rita.

It's okay
.
All he does is confuse me
. I stood up and looked down on them, sitting side by side on the davenport.
I have plans for myself
,
clear plans. I'm a singer. Who needs him? I have you. You love me
.

We do
, said Rita.

Idalia nodded and patted the cushion beside her and I sat.
We're going to be fine
.

Rita rested her hand on my thigh.
I know someone
, she said.

Someone what?

Who can take care of this. Make it go away
, she said gently.

Is that safe?
I asked.

Let's all just slow down
, said Sister.

I don't know
, said Rita.
I think so
.

We're going to be all right
, said Sister, stressing the word
we
, like she wanted me to erase the word
I
from my head. I scowled at her, got up, and walked around the apartment. It felt terribly small.

Rita said,
We have bigger concerns right now
.

What on earth could be bigger than this?
asked Sister.

We just need to get you through the party
, said Rita.

I could not talk about the party. I couldn't talk or think or even stand for another minute.
Thank you both
, I said, and went to bed without eating or taking off my clothes.

CHAPTER 46

T
HE DAY BEFORE
Carl's party Rita took a dress bag from the back of her closet and pulled out a black satin gown, full length, sleeveless, with a matching stole.

I touched it.

I bought it with the intention of modifying it
, she said,
some sort of strap or sleeve
,
but I never got around to it
. She held it up in front of me.
God
,
I hope it fits you
.

It did. We practiced walking in the gown. She frowned and thought with her finger on her mouth.
In this dress you have to walk as though your legs are separate from the rest of you
,
and take close
,
gentle steps. Quick
. She put an empty cup on her head and walked around the room.
You don't walk
,
darling. You glide
. I walked with the cup until I got it.

Then we practiced sitting.

I don't know if I can do this
, I said.

And another thing
, she said.
I‘ve been thinking about your name
.

What about it?

It's horrible
,
kitten. Hutnik
, she spat.

It's Polish
.

I realize
, she growled.
We're going to call you Hill from now on. I've given it much thought. Naomi Hill. Easy
,
memorable
.

I sat there with the big gown billowed around me like a cushion between the world and me and felt tired. Sister watched from her desk as Rita lowered herself behind me and put her dry hand on my bare back.
Darling
, she said gently,
we don't get to live two lives at once. We must choose between who we were and who we would like to be. I know this better than anyone. You can believe me
.

T
he next day Rita transformed me. She put me on a stool by the kitchen sink and saturated my hair with a dark brown solution and let it sit there for a long time. When she finally washed it out, my light red hair had turned to a deep, dark crimson, like cherrywood. After it dried, she mixed another terrible-smelling solution in a bowl and combed it through my hair. I asked her what it was.

Nothing you'll find in a white neighborhood
,
I'll tell you that
, she said.
A queen worth her salt will go to any lengths for beauty
,
mark my words
.

When she rinsed it out, my frizzy curls were nearly gone. My hair was straight, like Laura, like pretty girls. She wound it up tightly in several big rollers. Then she took a damp sponge covered in foundation and patted it over my skin until my freckles were invisible. I kept staring at myself, not believing it was I. But there was another me underneath, safe, hidden. This made me happy. Rita teased, sprayed, and pinned my hair. It was elegant. I was elegant. Naomi Hutnik was gone.

Idalia cried when she saw me.

I'm sorry
, she said,
but you somehow look entirely yourself and not yourself at all. I don't know what to make of it
.

When she was done with me, Rita went back into her room and closed the door. She was in there for a long time. Idalia and I stood in the living room. I was afraid to sit.

I'm nervous for you
.

It's just a party
, I told her.

Not just the party
.

Then I was mad at her for making me remember. I thought of what Rita said.
I know someone
.

I didn't want to go. I didn't want to walk in there alone.

Rita cracked the bedroom door an inch and said, in the rapid-fire voice of a freak-show announcer,
Ladies and ladies! What you are about to behold is a never-before-seen sight for the senses
,
never to be repeated
,
so feast your eyes for this ONCE-in-a-lifetime experience
.

She pushed the door open with a black cane and Rita was, for the moment, erased. This was Richard. Black tuxedo with tails, the slightest bit of sheen from use on it, top hat, beautiful shoes. He stood with his legs slightly apart and his hands resting on the top of his cane, and said, in a deep voice,
Where's my gal?

On the taxi ride to the party, Rita gave me more instructions. She took a deep breath when she was done.
Above all else
,
never lose sight of the vision of your self. Not who you are
,
but who you are becoming
. She smoothed down a stray hair with a light hand and I felt myself blush. Rita, the man, made me dizzy.